Hamlin Grade:5


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Hamlin Grade:8


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Hamlin Grade:4


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

I know the above clip has nothing to do with Contact, but at least it's entertaining. Praise be to Van Damme.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,

Joey

Hamlin Grade: 8


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Before I get into the "story" here's a list of things we've grown accustomed to in our daily lives which you'll be glad to know have survived into the third millennium.

racial stereotypes
pool cues
water bongs
paraplegics
metal lockers like the kind you used in high school
the student lounge from Saved By the Bell
wooden coffins
guns that fire regular bullets as opposed to laser beams
complete idiocy in the face of mortal danger
Tiny Lister's fucked-up eye

Dracula 3000 as you've probably guessed by now follows the time-tested and repeatedly disastrous method of placing a classic movie-monster in a futuristic time and setting, i.e. space circa 3000 ad. The results are pretty much what we've come to expect from these films but I dare say this one stands atop the crap heap. This movie might be the Troll 2 of the new millennium. No joke. It is an utter and complete clusterfuck.

Our so-called story takes place in deep space - the Carpathian system to be precise. Right now if you're familiar with Dracula lore at all you're probably thinking "Carpathian? Wait, that's the name of the mountains from Bram Stoker's novel. Please tell me they're not..." Oh they are. They very, very are. It seems somewhere along the way writer/director Darrell Roodt decided it would be clever to refer to the original novel when naming characters, locations, etc. In keeping with this lame formula our hero is named Captain Abraham Van Helsing. (It seems the name "Abraham" has survived into the year 3000 as well) Van Helsing, played by Casper Van Dien - this should be the first sign the movie is about to suck it hard - is the captain of the deep space salvage vessel Mother III. He and his crew are following up on a tip about a derelict cargo ship named -jesus- The Demeter. I think you know where this is headed. Van Helsing's crew includes former Baywatch star and Playboy Bunny Erika Eleniak as the vivacious Aurora Ash, Alexandra Kamp who also appreared on the cover of Playboy (albeit the less prestigious German edition) as Mina Murry, Tiny Lister and Coolio as Humvee and 187 respectfully (yeah you read those names right) and some guy named Grant Swanby as a wheelchair bound nerd.

All of the performances in the movie are god-fuck-awful (although a special guest appearance by Udo Kier earns him the Ironside Agenda -just barely edging out Erika Eleniak's tits -and the wheelchair guy seemed to be playing his part as if he believed it was something he'd actually want on his resume) and if you thought Coolio was lame as a rapper, wait until you see his acting. His performance when he's in full vampire mode rivals the worst acting I've ever seen. And that includes the films of Matthew McConaughey.

Speaking of vampires, I've neglected to talk about the prince of infinite darkness himself. that's probably because I can't think of a good way to convey to you how laughable and ridiculous this incarnation of the character is. Instead of some suped-up cybernetic or alien version of Dracula that keeps with the futuristic motif what we get is the same, prissy, cape-wearing count. Let's get this straight. Your idea is to take one of the most beloved horror icons in the history of cinema, place him on board a high-tech spacecraft in the future, and you make him look the same as he did in the fucking nineteenth century? You'll really be howling when you learn that the Count hails from the planet of Transylvania.

And this movie was actually made! Somewhere Ed Wood and Bella Lugosi are either whooping it up or weeping inconsolably.

Eventually Van Helsing learns from the Demeter's computer that he is the descendant of the legendary vampire killer. Ya know, the one from the novel. This revelation serves absolutely no purpose at all. It only makes the story more silly if that's possible. So a vampire named Dracula actually walked the earth in the 19th century and somehow mankind has managed to forget about the existence of vampires completely while simultaneously having a database of their history? And the earth vampire was just coincidentally named Count Dracula just like the Dracula on the spaceship? Or is it the same Dracula? Was the Dracula just a test run for a large-scale invasion by multiple Draculas? Did they abort the mission because we had too large a supply of garlic and trees?

How the fuck was this movie made? I mean I can tell from watching it that the budget (not counting Erika Eleniak's tits) was about five hundred bucks, but still those are perfectly good American dollars. There are starving children in the world. People living on the streets. I don't even know how to talk about this. I'm getting drunk. I paid money for this movie. I need help...

So there you have it. This movie sucks. And as we all know, that accolade is not given lightly around here. This piece of shit belongs right up there with Troll 2 and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Examine any aspect of the film if that pronouncement sounds like an exaggeration: acting, plot, the stupid Dracula costume, the fact that the movie's ending comes so abruptly we're left with the distinct impression the people who financed it got a look at the unfinished product and decided not to continue throwing money up a wild hog's ass and mercifully put the kibosh on this miserable failure, and that the actors appeared all too eager to comply...

...with one exception. The strange case of Coolio. He seemed to really relish this role. Never has an actor been given so little in terms of character and dialogue, and turned it into so much less. Take if you will the following exchange between 187 (Coolio) and Aurora (Eleniak):

Eleniak: "Hey...shit for brains...don't move... I said don't move!"

Coolio: "Aurora, baby it's so nice to see you! Did I ever tell you how many times I see you and...want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas?"

And as bad as that probably sounds in your head right now Coolio makes it sound sooo much worse on the screen. Just one more reason why I am bestowing the ultimate Hamlin rating upon this abomination.

Infinite darkness indeed...

Hamlin Grade:10


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Yeah I think you're like, really amazing too. So like, you're still like, gonna meet me behind that old abandoned gas station on the edge of town right? Yeah, it's gonna be so awesome. We'll like talk about Twilight and all the like, hidden messages and stuff... Oh and like make sure you delete my number off your phone and like delete all those emails I sent you and like all traces of communication between us and stuff.... Ok, like, I'll see you then and like don't be afraid. I want you to feel safe with me like Bella did with Edward...

Oh! Hello there. Sorry about that. Christ. The things you have to go through to lure sixteen year old girls into your clutches form a connection with twenty-eight year old women these days.

Well folks, someone around here had to do it. The cultural phenomenon known as The Twilight Saga is just too big, too important, to be neglected here at BMK. So I bit the bullet and watched the first one. That's right. I am gay now, like billions of people around the world who've watched one or more of these movies and been given the dark gift. And please keep in mind that I'm not intending to impune the character of the homosexual community. When I say anyone who's seen Twilight is "gay" I'm talking about a kind of gayness that even Boy George and Tom Cruise would frown upon (although I'm reasonably sure Tom Cruise has seen all of these films repeatedly...with frequent pausing)

To call Twilight a giant cock-block is an insult to cock-blockery. It's more like wholesale castration. This film doesn't suck. More accurately it dons a welders gluff and weakly jacks you off while the video for "What if God Was One of Us?" plays on an endless loop because it was too inhibited to go out and pick up some hardcore pornography and it thought that particular video would excite you for some reason. Shit. Story of my life.

I'm really at a loss for words here. As the vampire in any legitimate vampire movie drains the life from his victim, so too does Twilight drain it's viewer of any impulse towards reflection, critique, conversation...you know all those things that movies should do.

Even if you haven't seen Twilight yet you're doubtlessly familiar with the storyline. But here's a quick rundown anway. Bella goes to highschool with the very gothicly named Edward Cullen who is part of a family of pasty white vampires who've taken up residence in the area and who try to maintain the appearance of normalcy by holding down jobs, going to highschool, etc. This particularly lame coven of bloodsuckers refuses to kill humans and lives instead off the blood of deer and the like. As Edward puts it, "My family, we think of ourselves as vegetarians because we only survive on the blood of animals." Makes perfect sense no?

Anyhow there's a conflict with another group of vampires who don't share the Cullen family's regard for human life which leads to the promise of a big multi-vampire showdown that doesn't come to fruition and one of the bad vampires who looks like what Brad Pitt's stand-in would look like if Brad Pitt's stand-in was addicted to crystal-meth decides he wants to munch on the tasty yet seemingly emotionless Bella. (Seriously, this Kristen Stewart chick acts as if she spent the entire duration of the production on a heroin binge. A likely possibility.)

The Cullen family saves Bella. There's some ridiculous nonsense that involves Edward sucking the "vampire venom" out of her to keep her from turning into one of the children of the -uh- Twilight. Jesus. Does anyone else find it strange that Edward could be able to suck the "venom" from Bella? I mean you wouldn't get a rattlesnake to suck out the poison from the bite of a different rattlesnake right? I guess he did it without teeth? That's way too much thought for this movie. Sorry. Moving on...

Aside from the terrible acting the ridiculous story and the lack of even one jet of arterial spray, the thing I really took note of in Twilight was just how consistently ludicrous and silly the characters and situations were. Edward stalking Bella around highschool to tell her she shouldn't be around him? A family of vampires who don't drink human blood and like to play family baseball games during thunderstorms? The fact that no one in this fucking town seems to notice that the Cullen family members appear to have NO BLOOD WHATSOEVER in their bodies? Once again, I'm wasting energy I could be using for masturbation.

I hate this movie. It's a slap in the face to the genre and a blight upon pop culture. Dracula would be rolling over in his grave if he hadn't been staked by Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder all those centuries ago...

So. What do you call it when you get that awkward feeling from watching actors awkwardly attempt to project awkwardness during awkward situations? Oh right. You call it Twilight.

Hamlin Grade:7


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

So I did it. I did something really dirty. I took the advice of an American. Despite my better judgement, that's what I did. That's the logical equivalent of having a stranger shit in my pants on my behalf.

But I relented nonetheless.

I watched Spartacus: Blood and Sand, all 13 gory, carefully waxed episodes of the Sam Raimi produced historical fuck-fest. And holy shit what a ride. How to sum it up? The Yanks took Gladiator to pieces, in fear of it being too heavy and intellectual, hammered it down to its component parts, added a lashing or two of pungent homosexuality, shook it up, and let it loose.

I studied Roman history back in the day. It turns out, thanks to this epic little show, that everything I knew was wrong. Turns out that everybody just walked around naked, rubbed oil into each other's shoulders, brooded dramatically in the shadows, wore leather skirts to show off their massive, hairy, muscular thighs, and fucked each other's armpits.

It wasn't just my knowledge of history that was lacking. My knowledge of anatomy got a kicking too. Did you know that if you whack someone gently on the back with the flat, blunt edge of a sword they will literally explode in a tidal wave of blood? I do now. Thank you American TV for teaching me this. Now I shall be more careful in life, wrapped forever in the fearful knowledge that if I ever stub my toe I risk exploding like a retarded suicide victim leaping off the Empire State.

There was also that cowardly chap from The Mummy in it too. And he did some rather good acting. Not that anybody noticed. Because he was surrounded by massive, shiny men beating each other to death with their
wooden blades. They may as well have cast Gary fucking Coleman.





I loved it. I really did. It turns out the inmates have not only escaped, but are running the asylum. It's as if Lost confused too many people, causing a Poll Pott style uproar in which all the smart people were culled, leaving nothing but a trail of ADD-ridden miscreants to run the show. These misfits then did what we all, deep-down, love best - they turned up the volume to 11, killed everything in sight (twice) and paid all the actors extra to yell the word "cunt" at random intervals, for no apparent reason.

I was very pleased with this show - for the above, and for two additional reasons:

1.) I learned a new phrase by watching this show. At some point in this series a conversation takes place that actually allows the actor to say "you'll survive, but you'll be uglier than a whore's gash". "Uglier than a whore's gash" is officially the greatest thing I've ever heard. I laughed so hard at that my friends thought I was having a stroke. I hear season 2 has a whole episode dedicated to one of the gladiators farting, and the rest of them pointing and laughing about it for a whole hour. Magic.

2.) This show is a metaphor of all that we know and love of America. They took the most culturally advanced race in the history of all mankind, stripped it down of all intelligable merit, and pumped it to the gills with tits, blood, inappropriate heavy metal soundtracks and such homo-eroticism that the whole Gay section of extremetube.com has been instantly rendered obsolete.

In years to come, future generations will wonder as to the cultural impact of America upon the world. They need but see Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Just like anything American, it has all the subtlety of a large nuclear war.

Oh, and that bitch from Zena gets her tits out a lot too.

And she has really, really big nipples.

Hamlin Grade: 10


Part-time Ninja

Hamlin Grade:3


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Betrayed by the Romans. Forced into slavery. Reborn as a Gladiator.

Seriously after reading that do you need to hear anymore? The above statement is so bad-ass that it now adorns the top of my resume, and is the opening pick-up line used when I go hunting for babes at the local high schools (subsequently, I've recently been hired to be the CEO of Microsoft and having lots and lots of sex) .

Getting into episodic television is difficult because of the time it consumes, and the quality is often never high enough to keep my interest from fading like British Petroleum stock. Spartacus: Blood and Sand however, grabbed me by my tiny nuts and dragged me back to the small screen for 13 glorious weeks!

Spartacus: Blood and Sand is a brilliant amalgamation of the best parts of Gladiator, 300, Troy (which blew, but did manage to pull off a few decent combat sequences, plus Brad Pitt in battle armor = masturbation break), Brokeback Mountain, Caligula, and to a lesser extent the HBO series Oz.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand begins by introducing us to a young Thracian soldier, conscripted by the Romans to help spread their love of war. The Romans however, refuse to let their newly acquired mercenaries leave to protect their village when they hear word from scouts that their enemies have out-flanked them and are moving to attack Thrace — which is unprotected and loaded with fresh vagina.

The Thracian soldiers defy the Romans (killing several of the officers and thoroughly embarrassing the main Roman dude) and prance off into the night to protect their village. Arriving just in time, the Thracian dispatches his enemies and rescues his wife... then it's off to the tent for some good ole fashion post-battle coitus.

All seems right in the world for our hero, until the Romans arrive to ruin cuddle time. Beaten and subdued, the Thracian is helpless as he watches his super hot wife get dragged off kicking and screaming (and fabulously nekkid) by a pair of Roman Centurions.... which is actually kind of hot. The Thracian is brought to the city of Capua where he is thrown into a gladiatorial match against 6 combatants after being branded a traitor. Under the watchful eye of his former Roman Commander, he manages to defeat his opponents... and the crowd begins to refer to him as Spartacus.

Spartacus is then purchased by Batiatus (played brilliantly by John Hannah-the brother of Evelyn from the Mummy movies), the owner of Gladiator stable, which houses and trains scores of heavily muscled, scantily clad, and generously oiled men whose sole-purpose is to fight in the arena of Capua. The rest of the series follows the journey of Spartacus through the gladiator lifestyle (one that is filled with training, fighting and having lots of sex... regular or gay, depending on your preference... really it's a great life, the only criteria is that you be a complete bad ass, have great abs, and come equipped with a giant penis... shit) as he fights not only for his freedom but for the promise of being re-united with his wife. During that journey the viewer is visually assaulted with epic combat sequences, evisceration, an intriguing storyline, and Lucy Lawless constantly naked (this is no bullshit... Xena presents her breasts on a weekly basis). Aside from Ms. Lawless' deliciously unclothed form, Spartacus: Blood and Sand is peppered, rather littered with all manner of full frontal nudity... a delicately woven balance of breasts,vagina and cock.

This show is truly a masterpiece. I dare not say anymore because I do not wish to ruin what lies in store for those of you Knights of the Bad Movie who have yet to witness Spartacus: Blood and Sand in all it's glory.... and Xena's boobs.

Hamlin Grade: 9


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Double Impact. Mmmmmm. Sounds like the title of a low budget, overly aggressive adult feature, filmed on a garbage skiff off the coast of Brazil doesn't it?

While that is more than likely the case, the Double Impact I am referring to is the 1991 classic starring the incredibly flexible and versatile Jean Claude Van Damme... which is somewhat hotter than it's South American equivalent that showcases a pair of sand whores depositing their own shit on one another... or perhaps not? I digress.

Nearly 20 years ago some Hollywood producer thought it would be a great idea to showcase the acting talent of one Jean Claude Van Damme by having him play two characters in the same film. Utilizing the Belgian superstar's well endowed thespian skills and coupling that with state of the art CGI, the masterpiece that became Double Impact was realized.

For Van Damme, Double Impact was clearly the apex of his career. After successfully displaying his his tight buttocks (shit I actually stuttered... and for the record Double Impact continues to embrace the policy of unnecessarily displaying a pair of Belgian glutes... a term we refer to as Van DAMN!... and Ryan your welcome for the nudy shot of JC... try to keep the little feller in yer pants) in Bloodsport, Cyborg, Kickboxer, and Lionheart (which for the most part are pretty kick ass movies... provided you aren't into any sort of story, plot, or character development), Van Damme was reaching a level of super-stardom shared only by action stars like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, and Emo Phillips.

The story of Double Impact is well... oh fuck it just watch this:

Ok got it? No? Okay, let me sum up. Chad and Alex Wagner (Van Damme, and Van Damme... by the way, how many times did the deep voice guy say Van Damme? ) are re-united in their late twenties by Uncle Frank, the former body guard of their parents, who failed to protect them from getting killed by the Chinese mafia following some shady business investments used to build a tunnel in Hong Kong. After the Wagners are executed by Zang (mafia guy) and Griffith (rich English douche) the twins are separated. The nurse maid drops Alex at a French orphanage and Uncle Frank takes Chad and raises him in France... which is a convenient way to explain Van Damme's truly mind boggling accent. By the way Zang, Griffith, and Uncle Frank don't seem to age even though some 30 years have passed.

After their reunion, Chad and Alex eventually join forces to take revenge on their parents murderers... a prerequisite plot device of any good action film. Their path of vengeance of course takes them through a cadre of subordinates and henchmen ranging from the one-punch-and-die foot soldier to the giant breasted Chinese guy (Van Damme re-unites with the marvelously thick-pec'd Bolo Yeung) which delivers unto us a cornucopia of fight scenes. Van Damme also gets to square off against a dude with knife tipped boots, former Miss Olympia Cory Everson (who for the record I've always had the hots for... perhaps because of her very masculine body... and her penis?) and a Steven Seagal stunt double.

The ending is beyond predictable, after wasting through the collection of bad-asses Chad and Alex make short work of Zang (tossed from the top of a crane) and Griffith (crushed under a shipping container), then hug it out, then Alex makes out with his hot girlfriend (who for the record has the worst breast implants i've ever seen) while Chad stands by uncomfortably close and gives them the thumbs up... and we freeze frame as if we just finished watching an episode of Magnum P.I.

To Van Damme's credit he does manage to create two distinct characters in Double Impact. One is a cultured, well-to-do, metro-sexual (borderline gay), and the other is an emotionless, street-hardened, bad-ass (also gay), both are skilled in the martial arts and neither of them can act. Really the main difference is that Chad smiles a lot and has poofy hair, while Alex frowns constantly and slicks his hair back. Chad enjoys pastels, while Alex prefers an all black wardrobe. Both love the cock.

Thankfully the CGI in this film does a masterful job of placing Van Damme next to himself in this movie. I'm completely bullshitting here. On the rare occasion they are together in a scene (where you see two distinct Van Dammes and not the back of some poor stunt double's skull), the shadows appear not only from different times of the day, but from different times of the year. And forget about trying to match up eye-lines... when they do attempt some kind of connection, Alex appears to be lazy-eye, and Chad can't stop staring at his twin brother's crotch. I exaggerate somewhat (but not really).

While Van Damme will always be considered a marginal (which is extraordinarily generous on my part) at best, he does manage to entertain regardless of the situation (except for JCVD... watching Jean Claude Van Damme attempt to act is like watching Jim Carey trying not to be funny - see the Number 23 STOP YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!!) and Double Impact is no different.

Double Impact offers great fights scenes, full splits, well-oiled, meticulously toned ass cheeks, all mixed with your ability to severely suspend disbelief and you have nothing short of an Am-Track train wreck... I mean a gem of a movie experience.

You are probably thinking right now, 'Hey, didn't you guys already review Double Impact?' , and the answer is yes. The lovely and talented Ryan provided his thoughts on the Jean Claude Van Damme classic a few years back - which you can view here.

So why the re-review? I figured a quality bad movie like Double Impact is more than worthy of the extra attention.

I also thought it deserved a critique by someone who wasn't home schooled and didn't drop-out in the 9th grade to work on his pick-up truck.

Hamlin Grade: 6.5


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

"Only a ninja can kill a ninja."
-Sho Kosugi

Truer words have never been spoken. While it has been some two decades since the ninja has dominated the big screen (remember the 80's when every movie that came out either involved Ninja, or some gay Australian?). The ninja never really went out of fashion, (like cocaine, mullets and gay Australians did) but rather laid waiting for the time to once again take over Hollywood and whip out their fully engorged... swords.

That time is now my friends. I give you Ninja Assassin.

Ninja Assassin is the kind of movie that makes you want to yell out 'Fuck Yeah' every 2 - 7 minutes (which explains why I never saw the movie in it's entirety in the theater... asshole security dicks).

The story is simple, and elegant. We open with a group of gang members, clearly of the bad ass variety, preparing to whoop on an old tattoo artist... but prior to the commencement of said whooping, a gang member get's his head cut in half! Not off, mind you... IN HALF!!! So only the lower jaw remains attached, and the upper part of his skull lands with a plop ( think Bavarian style on a glass table) on the floor. This ninja continues to fillet the gang with his sword and a plethora of other sweet weapons. Chinese stars are tossed in this film as though they are being launched from a Gatling gun (or Richard Gere's colon) and victims struck by these are mercilessly shredded. Oh and for the record, no funds were spared on the blood pumps... there are few scenes in this film where crimson is not showering everywhere.

Okay, back to the tale... it is present day and ninja are now being utilized to dispatch prominent social figures... essentially assassins for hire as they were originally designed centuries ago in feudal Japan. On the case is a female police officer (it really doesn't matter who she or her partner is, because they are almost useless guides that takes us through this world of the ninja... as if we really needed them) who gets to close and draws the attention of the ninja and becomes a target herself.... however she also gains a protector in a ninja who has decided to break free of his programming and fight back (he officially gives his fuck you walking papers to his ninja clan atop a roof in the pouring rain via the help of a bicycle chain whip with a giant fish-hook attached to the end of it - the preferred weapon of this particular ninja) .

Let me explain what I mean by programming. You see, to make a good ninja, you must first kidnap a newborn Japanese child, then train him or her from that early age in a vast array of martial art techniques while simultaneously torturing the shit out of them until they reach adulthood. Then beat the shit out of them some more. Upon graduation from this college of mind fuck, the ninja are place within society unfurnished, air conditioned free, loft-styled apartments where they can train shirtless (for the record, the star ninja in this film is in bath house caliber shape, even for a man of Japanese descent.... as you know the chief export of Japan is great abs) all day long until they receive orders to go out and kill some people.

If you haven't had the urge to yell out expletives thus far then you are probably a homosexual.

Insert Final Battle which includes : Army of Ninjas, Army of Special Forces, all manner of weapons ranging from swords and throwing stars, to fully equipped tactical vehicles and military-grade ordinance, and a final showdown in the Octagon (complete with unnecessary flaming backdrop) between our ninja and the master ninja that trained (mind raped and beat the piss out of for a lifetime) him.

Ninja Assassin ends as it started... with a 'Fuck Yeah''. By the conclusion of this feature, I guarantee that not only will you be screaming the aforementioned battle cry, but you will also be holding your penis in your hands and vigorously masturbating. Women needn't concern themselves, because you aren't allowed to watch this movie anyway. Go back to the Notebook.

Fuck Yeah!

Hamlin Grade: 8


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Hamlin Grade: 7


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey