After dispelling the notion that I had been drugged and seduced to the woods by some deluded whino in heat, I became consumed with the notion that someone - or something - was attempting to possess my very body, mind and soul; to speak through me. What follows is a brief journal excerpt in which I managed to document the revelation I received from this dark, malevolent force.

My name is Robert B. Zombie. And I am a genius. In fast I might be the most geniusest genius to ever walk this earth and certainly the most geniusest to ever make a movie. I also make music. Remember that song "More Human That Human"? The one with the awesome slide riff? Yeah that was me. My slutty-looking wife's name is Sherri Moon Zombie and although she's not a genius like me she is a respectable piece of ass and the greatest actress in the world. That's the kind of tail you can pull when you're a genius, or in a band.

I have just completed my epic reimagining of the horror classic "Halloween" which took two parts to realize and -like my music- made me all kinds of teenage money. I don't mind telling you that my genius has made me filthy rich. And my Halloween films are clearly superior to the John Carpenter ones that came before. They were all like, build up and tension. Not enough stabbing. Worse yet, they didn't even explain why this dude in the mask went around totally shredding hot babes and their geeky boyfriends. And so one day while swimming with Sheri through our giant piles of money I had my genius idea to remake that movie and explain why the little Myers kid was all fucked up. This gave me a chance to display my geniusy film making skills, which I had already perfected in "House of 1,000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects."

Can you believe some people thought it was wrong of me to show Michael's backstory? My Halloween didn't even get any Academy Awards; not even one for Sheri who clearly should've gotten the nod for Best Actress. What total fucks! Most people don't understand genius, but alot of the ones that do left their trailer parks and showed up in droves to see my movie and they loved it. They loved it so much that Dimension films wanted -no begged- me to do a follow up. HA! Suck it Ebert!

I think I'll do a re-reboot of the Batman franchise next. I mean I know people slobbered all over that Nolan guy's balls for his Batmans, but let's not kid ourselves here; the man is no genius. And I've already got the most geniusest idea for my re-reimaginings. Instead of Bruce Wayne being some spoiled rich kid who's parents get murdered by a thief I'm gonna have him born in a trailer park, the son of an abusive stepdad who dresses up like a clown and makes little Bruce dress up like a Bat while he does things to him. This is a way cooler origin story than those other stupid movies and comic books. Sheri can even play Cat Lady or Poison Oak or whatever her name is. Oh and I won't spoil it for you but there'll be a way cool suprise when people find out who The Joker REALLY is! And there'll be a scene where he stabs this hot topless stripper like, A THOUSAND TIMES! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND....ahem.

And if those mpaa faggots have a problem with it, they can suck on my big genius!

The Zombie hath spoken.

Hamlin Grade: .5


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Hamlin Grade: 7.5

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer

Hamlin Grade: 8.5


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Much like the plan, Operation Valkyrie, the film Valkyrie failed miserably.

First allow me to get something off my chest... aside from the giant corn riddled turd I requested be curled there by the $5 whore I picked up behind the Javitz Center. I'm tired of the phrase that seems to preface many of today's Hollywood wannabe epics... 'Based upon a true story'. Perhaps, one time this tag line held some credibility, but now it serves to add undeserved value to films that have little to none. If the true story that a film is based on sucks a bag a smashed monkey balls, then won't that same film suck that same rotting package of simian genitals? The answer my friends is clearly fucking yes.

Unless you are retarded, failed history, a holocaust denier, or all of the above it's hard to watch a movie about the plan to kill Hitler when we all know it already failed. I mean seriously, this is like watching a Sharon Stone movie and not seeing her vagina (not that anyone would want to bear witness to that dried up boot heel these days).

The biggest misconception I had about Valkyrie prior to viewing it was that I thought Tom Cruise played an American spy who infiltrated the German ranks in an effort to kill Hitler. Why would I think this? Because Tom Cruise made no attempt whatsoever to play his character with even the slightest hint of a German accent. Blame cannot be reserved for Cruise alone however, because every actor in this cast put forth the same lack attention of detail, in fact most used their natural British accents including the douche who played Hitler. Perhaps the director was trying to say something about the English and Americans? Or perhaps the director just sucked. I'm leaning heavily towards the latter.

Valkyrie opens in Northern Africa with Tom Cruise portraying a Nazi douche named Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, who is chronicling his disappointment with the German army and their lack of honor. While trying to persuade other officers who he believes are also unhappy with Hitler and his fascist outlook, Stauffenberg is injured by an American air-raid. Actually, injured is a massive understatement, he is fucked up. Stauffenberg loses a hand, and eye and two fingers.

After donning an eye patch (which for the record is a really cool look... and it can even turn a man who prefers alternative lifestyles like Cruise into an instant bad-ass) Stauffenberg continues his campaign to take down Hitler and is eventually welcomed within a secret inner circle of anti-Nazi's that consisted of politicians and high ranking military... however they were nothing more than a collection of pussies who lacked the balls to act.

In any case, they spend more than half the movie formulating a plan based on Operation: Valkyrie, which was a fail-safe put in place if the Fuhrer was to ever be killed... essentially dictating that the reserve army would take control of the capital and make sure his policies were carried forward. Then like most managers who spend endless hours talking rather then doing attempt to execute their plan, and fail at just about every phase of it. Let's break it down:

- Hitler was to be killed with the use of a plastic explosive device planted within a briefcase, during a meeting in his bunker. Also the Fuhrer was to be assassinated only if his second in command, Dr. Joseph Goebbels was in attendance at the aforementioned meeting.

- As soon as the word was received that Hitler was killed, the new Operation:Valkyrie was to be put into effect... immediately.

- The new political regime would take control of Berlin, and Germany through the use of Hitler's reserve army by arresting all of the high ranking SS and restore the honor of their country... and more than likely begin sucking some major Allied ass to avoid being executed.

Easy as 1, 2, 3, right? Sure, if you weren't an incompetent collection of assholes. Firstly, Hitler's meeting wasn't held in his bunker, which probably should have called for an immediate abort. The reason the bunker was essential was that it was a concrete structure several feet thick that would have contained the initial blast, and essentially amplified it, thereby incinerating the occupants within. So the meeting is moved to his cottage outside the bunker. ABORT!!! Oh and wouldn't you know it, Dr. Joseph Goebbels isn't at this meeting. ABORT!!!! ABORT!!!! Now why is this so important? Dr. Goebbels is such a major league douchebag, that he actually makes Hitler look like a nice guy... what's more, is that the man was supposedly intelligent and would have run the German army much more efficiently... perhaps one of the reasons Hitler was never assassinated was because everyone knew he was retarted? So Stauffenberg, ignores the advice of his associates and goes for it anyway... and manages to blow up a table (one of those giant Jesus looking things that could probably deflect a nuke... fortunately for the Fuhrer, Stauffenberg's explosives were placed underneath this giant forcefield of oak).

In any case, Stauffenberg assumes that he has killed Hitler,and thus calls Berlin and tells his cohort General Friedrich Olbricht to initiate the plan. Olbricht, giant vagina that he is, does not act for another three hours... in fact Operation:Valkyrie does not begin until Stauffenberg returns to Berlin. However the lack of action allows Hitler to reveal to his subordinates and eventually the German people that he his very much alive and that Tom Cruise is gay.

The coup lasts a few hours, but is eventually put down, and the entire gang is rounded up and executed. I couldn't believe it! Operation: Valkyrie didn't succeed? You mean Hitler wasn't killed? Oh yeah I read that in my fuckin' 3rd grade Social Studies book (under the tutelage of the very lovely Mrs. Filose).

Again, my 'based on a true story' theory is holding a lot of water (consisting of mostly raw sewage and AIDs). Why would you make a movie about something that everyone clearly knows the ending of? Seriously, it's like watching the Crying Game and being shocked that there's a cock swinging between that thing's legs... unless you are English and hoping for said cock. Here's a list of some other great movie ideas that I have... and of course they are all 'based on true stories:

John and Jacqueline go to Dallas

Micky Mantle - My Liver. My Enemy.

I think I could go on forever... although it would be funny to watch the Brits kick the shit out of the Argentinians (the Argentine army still uses the blow gun) for 2 hours (3.5 hours if Costner directs it), I think we all get the point. If you are looking for shitty movie based on a true story... Valkyrie is your film! If you are looking for excitement, drama, and unpredictability... go elsewhere my friends. Go elsewhere.

Hamlin Grade: 3


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Hamlin Grade: 7


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Transporter 3 is similar to The Transporter and Transporter 2... in that it kicks 15 kinds of ass... literally. Jason Statham returns as the very cool, very ripped, and very fast driving Frank Martin and does just that... kick ass, and lot's of it.

Frank Martin, now retired from the delivery business is forced into doing one more job for a very bad man (Johnson- an American (rule of the bad movie here.... when in the United States, the most effective villains are from Europe, preferably of the former Eastern Bloc region... when in Europe... the opposite holds true... the villain should be played by an American) who is trying to blackmail some French politician into changing his policies on garbage dumping in his country. Johnson has kidnapped the politicians daughter, an overly clubby looking Ukrainian chick and tossed her into an Audi being manned by the aforementioned Frank Martin, and through his GPS system keeps the pair in transit for most of the movie. Stir in a variety of car chases, some overly mismatched fight scenes, Statham nekkid, a few explosions, random breasts, a knife fight on board a moving train finale and you have the foundation for an epic feature.

When it comes to car chases scenes... I have to give the nod to you Europeans. There is probably nothing cooler than watching an ultra-modern sedan tear ass through an aged country side peppered with 18th century architecture as it scares the shit pebbles out of a herd of sheep being shepherded by some out of time old fuck by the non-environmental caring engines that whine like an Englishman at the dentist. The audio that these smog rockets produces is outstanding ... it sounds like they never shift from first gear. The mechanical screams of these cars is constant fuck you to all of those 'green' planet, conservationist, dick-sucks who think we should all be driving tiny futuristic bubble cars powered by cooking oil and chicken cum.

Perhaps the greatest feature of Transporter 3 and really any Jason Statham movie is the fact that it caters to everyone. I know what you are thinking, "Pat you are so full of shit and you love the cock", and you would be totally wrong (unless it was a Saturday night, then you'd be half right). While watching this movie with my lady friend ( Fletch ), some 25 minutes, while in a car shop, Martin begins to size up his opposition in preparation for a little full contact action.... the opposition in question is of course a dozen or so assailants brandishing the full spectrum of available garage implements. At this point Fletch sighs, due to his disappointment of the unrealistic nature of the upcoming fight scene ( or perhaps in the unrealistic nature of his own deviant lifestyle?), but quickly changes his tune as the Transporter disrobes prior to battle, revealing layers of heavily chiseled muscles than have been appropriately man-scaped and well-oiled. Statham has mastered the art of 'time' versus 'need for pecs and abs' so that it is now a scientific formula. I myself, was so moved, I transported my penis from my pants into my hand so I could violently masturbate to his shirtless form as he dispatched this cadre of villains with a variety of unorthodox fighting moves.

Martin and his passenger (the Ukrainian chick) are imprisoned within the car, or rather a 50 perimeter surrounding it because they have been outfitted with bracelets that will detonate if the wearer exceeds the minimum safe distance. Which is pretty fucking cool, especially to the unlucky bastards who experience the beauty of this 24k Semtex jewelry. With that in mind, Martin must find a way to rescue this young woman (from her panties), while not leaving his car.

Imagine if you will, that James Bond was a heterosexual... and you would have Frank Martin in Transporter 3.

Hamlin Grade: 8


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Swayze is perhaps Bad Movie Knight's most beloved Hollywood actor and icon... and gay fantasy. Word's cannot express the sorrow we feel this evening.

With that allow us to leave you with a review of Swayze's legendary masterpiece.... Roadhouse.

Patrick you will be missed sir.

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Pat

For the record, Fortress, the original feature was a pretty good movie. Set in a post-apocalyptic world where breeding is outlawed unless you are granted a license by the current government... violators of this policy are sentenced to lengthy prison terms in a maximum security underground facility where they will enjoy all the amenities which include rape, harassment, physical abuse, more rape, shitty food, and intestination ( electronic devices are implanted into the prisoners stomachs and when they misbehave are met with severe stomach cramps... similar to the ones experienced following a meal at White Castle... but not quite as harsh). Of course with any prison film we await the ever predictable finale which sees our heroes escaping.... which beautifully sets up the very unnecessary sequel Fortress 2: Re-entry.

Christopher Lambert reprises his role as John Brennick, in Fortress 2: Re-entry and we now find him living in secrecy with his wife Karen (who was pregnant in part 1) and their young son Danny. Secrecy is a relative term, since he is easily found first by a group of rebels (who he fought alongside in previous campaigns... presumably prior to being imprisoned in the original feature), and of course moments after his former colleagues leave, he is visited by a group of soldiers representing the Men-tel Corporation. Brennick helps his wife and son escape but is eventually captured... and sent back to prison. Didn't see that one coming did you?

Fortress 2: Re-entry steps up the game slightly. In stead of a giant underground prison, Brennick is now held captive within a prison which orbits the Earth 26,000 miles above. Also, the prison Lo-Jack devices are no longer deposited orally, but instead they are injected into the blood stream via the artery in the thigh, and like the original version can cause discomfort to any prisoner acting out of order. However, these new devices can also turn the prisoners eyes into video cameras which allow the warden the ability to see what they are seeing, thus severely inhibiting the ability of the inmates to again, act out of order. Aside from that, this movie offers nothing new from the original Fortress.

Brennick befriends a bunch of other assholes, and then leads us through a very laborious 60 minutes of preparation towards what will prove to be his eventual escape. Fortress 2: Re-entry, is littered with typical prison situations that range from abusive guards who swell at the opportunity to abuse their guests, to your standard asshole inmate hell-bent on just being a douche-bag, right onto a completely incomprehensible cameo by Pam Grier... who must have really needed a pay-check to show up in this one.... talk about falling from grace... didn't she work with Tarantino recently? The Warden who oversees the facility, is practically a copy of the warden in the original movie in almost every way. Physically he looks like the guy (Kurtwood Smith the actor who played the dad on 'That 70's Show', and totally kicked ass as Clarence Boddicker in Robocop), and goes way beyond the call of duty in attempting to act like the man. The more I write, the more I wonder why I even wasted my time?

Christopher Lambert. The man is somewhat of an anomaly. He landed some pretty choice roles back in the day... well Highlander... Highlander 2... not so choice. For some reason, I'm compelled to watch his films. Perhaps it's because I know a car-wreck is inevitable... which in the case of Fortress 2: Re-entry, we are delivered a pile-up that even Ponch and John would weep over.

While I can't recommend that you put this on your bad movie night viewing list... if you do find yourself in the undesirable position of watching Fortress 2: Re-entry... I recommend you fast forward to the prison shower sequences. As I said before... pretty standard stuff, but holy crap there are some really hot naked guys in this movie. I mean women... really hot women.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

It is a little known fact that Matthew Modine is a nationally celebrated icon in Wales, much in the same way that David Hasselhoff is revered in Germany and Patrick Swayze is worshipped here in the States. Since his starring role in the 1985 classic Vision Quest, Modine's character, Louden Swain has become a more important figure in Wales than Jesus himself... that's to say, the way Catholics worship Jesus... the Welsh pleasure themselves with violent enthusiasm to the likeness of Modine. True story.

Vision Quest is the story of senior wrestler Louden Swain (played by the aforementioned Matthew Modine) who decides to challenge himself and also achieve glory by dropping a few weight classes in order to wrestle Shute of Hoover High... apparently a juggernaut wrapped in tights.

Much to Louden's dismay, everyone is against and unsupportive of the goals he has set for himself... hence the term 'challenge', dick face. At every turn, Louden discovers obstacles in the form of a disapproving coach, angry teammates, an unsupportive father, skeptical teachers, disinterested co-workers, and even a very distracting pair of supple breasts supplied by Linda Fiorentino. Does this stop Louden? Fuck No!!!

Frustrated by the opposition, Louden, during a practice attempts to climb a peg-board type apparatus (available only in gay wrestling training centers), which the user must scale using only small handheld posts (seriously, if you don't understand what I mean, watch the fucking movie) which are inserted into the peg holes. While ascending this ridiculous device, the coach and every teammates attitude is instantly changed and they all begin to cheer for our young hero as he finally reaches the summit. By this point in the film a good Welshman would have achieved orgasm at least 4-6 times (while this movie is just north of an hour and a half long, in Wales it takes over 2 days to watch).

The added twist of Vision Quest, is Carla. An angry young woman who while making her way across the country to become an artist in San Francisco (which is presumably her church - see Shatner on this) but her car breaks down in Louden's town... and his father attempts to fix her car. Louden suggests to his dad that she should stay with them, because she has no place to go and because he'd like to fuck her. His dad readily agrees. Like all women, Carla systematically begins to destroy Louden's motivation with the power of her evil vagina.

Fortunately Louden overcomes (literally), the evil of Carla and gets his focus back which is to be in a scissors lock with the well muscled Shute. After several months of training, running, starving and bleeding profusely from the nose (seriously, Matthew Modine bled more from his nasal passages than Lorraine Gary cried in Jaws: The Revenge... nah I'm just kidding... he would have died if he bled that much), Louden just makes the necessary weight by standing buck-ass nekkid on the scale... in front of all his buddies by the way, who immediately embrace him upon his success even though his cock is clearly bouncing freely off of their thighs. If you were to rent this movie from a Welsh Video Store this scene would probably be blurred out entirely due to the number of times the tape had been paused, rewound and replayed.

The big finale. Louden and Shute on the mat. The culmination of all his hard work coming down to this one final moment. Is there really any question what happens next?

Louden wins.

What I don't understand, is what the parents were thinking when they named their children. Louden? Shute? Were they expecting their children to be retarded? What's worse is Louden is surrounded by a host of assholes with names just as bad, if not worse than his. Kuch, Elmo, Otto, Schmoozler, and Balldozer (played by Forest Whitaker by the way... what in the hell did he have to do to earn that monicker?).

Vision Quest probably would have been a cooler and much more effective movie had it just focused on the wrestling and training sequences... which is to say remove all the scenes with the really hot chick and just focus on the gay shit. Then this movie would probably become a Welsh National Sport.

Hamlin Grade: 4


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

That's the whole movie.

The best part of Seven Years in Tibet is Brad Pitt's attempt to pull off an Austrian accent. The worst part of Seven Years in Tibet? Brad Pitt's attempt to pull off an Austrian accent. He sounds like a homosexual Arnold Schwarzenegger for most of this movie.

The most amazing thing about this movie, is that the Dalai Lama actually put up with this bag of ass for seven minutes, let alone seven years. That man truly is a wonder and deserves a Nobel Peace Price and a blow job for the effort.

Fans of Seven Years of Tibet will chastise me for not getting it, and not seeing the bigger picture, and to that I say what's not to see? A man, faced with adversity, learns the error of his ways and grows from the challenges he experienced? That's called life. We all go through it, and for most of us, it doesn't take the better part of decade under the guidance of one of the world's most influential religious figures to do it. So kiss my ass.

One other thing. The next time I hear someone say a movie was lavishly shot I'm going to hurl feces at them. Any movie shot in the Himalayan Mountains is going to be lavish jackass. I could have duct taped a camcorder to a blind baboon's ass, set it on fire and punted the fucker off of Everest and wound up with a lavishly filmed picture. Are you kidding me? Go film lavishly in Detroit if you want to impress me.

Perhaps the greatest aspect of Seven Years in Tibet... is that the film only chronicled seven years of this dick head's adventures in Tibet. Holy shit, imagine if this movie was called Ten Years in Tibet? Fifteen? How about Two Weeks in Delaware? Three Days in Newark? Five minutes on the 'G' Train? Fuck me.

The Dalai Lama is fortunate that Pitt was not riding shotgun to Angelina Jolie at the time they filmed this mess or he and every other Tibetan would have been consumed by her insatiable lust for adoption.

Hamlin Grade: 3


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Enter The Vanguard.

Firstly, allow me to thank Netflix's 'More like this feature'! If you watch one pile of dick film... Netflix will recommend that you watch hundreds of other similar movie that suck just as much if not more cock ... and far be it from me to turn down such generosity. Secondly, for kicks, I rate these movies as if I just watched Citizen Kane (which for the record sucked too, but it is generally considered a great film so fuck you) and brand them with 5 stars... which helps Neflix to filter through the bowels of it's movie collection and deliver unto me the worst Hollywood has to offer.

Enough about my sorry life... let's get on with this sorry ass movie. The Vanguard is apparently an independent movie which does have a fair following judging by the reviews I've read. I occassionally check out what people have to say prior to viewing a bad movie to see if the caliber of said film is worthy of devoting my time (which in most cases they are and aren't if you know what I mean). The Vanguard received both praise and outright hatred from it's viewers which leads me to believe that the people who loved it were somehow connected to the film, or it's participants, or were having their families held hostage while writing their conclusions (see The Fonda Syndrome to understand this phenomenon). In any case I was inclined to believe the haters of this film... and after viewing this tragedy I am now fully prepared to join their cause.

Much to the dismay of the fans of The Vanguard, there is nothing original about this movie. First off it's about zombies, a genre which has been over-mined, especially within the last decade. To pull off an original zombie flick is difficult if not completely impossible (unless you are Zach Snyder... that mother fuckers kung fu is strong). Instead of creating something new, The Vanguard takes the backstory of the Resident Evil series, and mixes it with 28 Days Later.

The Vanguard starts off with some scrolling text to help set the table (and save tons of money and time developing the story through direction and acting). However, rather than being a brief paragraph starting with the standard 'In a world...' bullshit, we are force fed an essay about society on the brink, a corporation infecting humans with a virus (which makes you a zombie), and a military hell bent on destroying everything.

From the start we are led through this paradise, and I do mean paradise, by Max - a spear and hatchet toting man who runs through the woods dispatching Biosyns (zombies) in his all black pajamas. Let me point out that this movie is 89 minutes in length, and 80 of those minutes are of Max running through the forest. I wish I was kidding. When Max isn't running he rides a bicycle... which always up the bad-ass level of any character. We are also treated to Max's inner monologue throughout The Vanguard, which is predominantly an exchange with his dead father... who never provides any answers to Max or us.

Roughly halfway through this pointless effort, Max, while on one of his endless skipping episodes through the woods, crosses paths with one of the many soldiers out to destroy the Biosyns. Max takes the soldier out thinking he is a zombie, then realizes his mistake and nurses him back to health. When the soldier regains consciousness we learn that Max is actually deaf and can't (or doesn't speak). This is probably the dumbest point of The Vanguard. For a deaf man, Max has amazing hearing ability which he utilizes throughout the film, and in one scene actually gags a captured zombie with barbed wire because he is tired of hearing him scream... but he's deaf so let's suspend disbelief.

We also learn shortly after that Max is also a carrier of the cure! How you ask? Max is jumped by a zombie and is bitten, which as you know in zombie rules that you will become a zombie soon after. Not in this case however. The offending zombie is dispatched by the soldier and upon his death transforms back into a human. Another interesting feature is The Vanguard are the makeup effects. The zombies all wear Halloween store quality contact lenses, and have veins running through their faces that have been carefully applied with the help of a sharpie marker.

The soldier learning of Max's unique gift decides to disobey his orders and protect him. They eventually run into another pair of assholes who also enjoy prancing through the woods. A female doctor / scientist and an older man. Here we learn more about the Resident Evil subplot, and some more tension is introduced... just what we needed.

What follows are more random zombie attacks, the female doctor turning zombie then turning back thanks to Max, and a group of soldiers (a death squad) hunting them all down. Everyone dies but Max, cuz he is a pure, un-cut, unadulterated bad ass. After Max finishes killing all of the soldiers, which seems completely plausible... a platoon of soldiers packing automatic rifles versus a deaf man in pj's weilding hatchets... Max finds himself surrounded by dozens of zombies. Rather than attack Max they all circle him and bow down... the Christ figure moment of The Vanguard. What better way to top off this pile of horse shit than with a brief oration by Max through his inner monologue about how he is their Vanguard. Yep he used the title of the movie.

How this movie found any fans is truly beyond me, but as I stated above they were clearly not of sound mind and body when they stated their opinions. The Vanguard does little to entertain even from a bad movie perspective... unless you are into men in their evening wear sprinting through the woods.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Savate is about a French soldier, named Joseph Charlegrand who travels the Old West on a mission of vengeance. Essentially this movie is nothing more than Bloodsport with Old West Dudes.

Charlegrand is looking for the man responsible for the death of his friend (presumably to kick his ass to death) and during his search winds up in the middle of a land war between poor farmers and a wealthy merchant, centered around a town that holds a Tough Man contest that will pay the winner $500. I bet you can't imagine what happens next.

Blessed with the previously mentioned amazing set of abs and his expertise in Savate, a French form of Martial Art (no seriously), Charlegrand (Olivier Gruner... no clue who he is... I checked his filmography, and didn't recognize a single picture... which means I'll be watching them all very soon) sets out to help his new found friends Cain (played by Ian Ziering, the blond haired douche from Beverly Hills 90210) and May Parker (Ashley Laurence from Hellraiser fame)... siblings who refuse to sell to Benedict (played by R. Lee Ermey - the Drill Sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, who for some unknown reason is uncredited in this film, which is strange since he is one of the major characters). Unfortunately for the Parkers, and the rest of the poor farmers, they have to pay a tax instituted by the government in order to retain their land... the total damage tipping the cash box at $1000. Sadly they only have $200 between them? What to do?

Cain Parker to the rescue! Cain plans to fight in the tournament and asks the farmers to wager on him to win, thus securing enough capital to pay the taxes they owe. Cain undergoes a rigorous afternoon of Savate training under the watchful eye of Charlegrand to prepare for his upcoming fight, but is cut down in a duel later that evening. OH NO!! Now what will the farmers do?

Luckily Charlegrand agrees to fight in his place... perhaps a notion he should have considered originally being that he is a 'fighter'? As luck would have it, the murderer of his friend arrives in town to compete in the same competition... the evil Ziegfield Von Trotta (played by the Beastmaster himself Marc Singer). Talk about convenience! Charlegrand can now fight in the tournament, defeat and kill his nemesis, avenge his friends death, quench his bloodlust, give into his homosexuality, and save the farmers from getting kicked off of their land.

No seriously that's pretty much what happened.

Savate is actually a pretty decent movie... if you are blind and deaf. Seriously, some of the fight scenes are decent. Clearly Gruner can kick some ass, and when throwing down with a well muscled and tightly clothed Marc Singer... well it's just magic. Savate also managed to collect a halfway decent cast... by that I mean that most of the actors are recognizable (except for the star of course). Donald Gibb of Revenge of the Nerds fame, and also a Bloodsport alumnus carries the burden of several lines of dialogue and the great James Brolin (Mr. Barbara Streissand) makes an appearance as an asshole colonel... fortunately his speaking role is kept to a minimum. There's this old dude too, who I've seen in just about every movie I've ever watched... he's the old guy who always plays old guys.

If you are looking for a shitty Western that combines martial arts (that's never been done before), then Savate may be the film for you. But really, why on earth would you be looking for a movie with such original criteria?

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

When the credits rolled on The Lost Boys it also did likewise for the careers of many of the actors and actresses that starred in the film. Aside from Sutherland who continues to climb Hollywood's penis, the rest of the cast's movie careers spiraled towards irrelevancy. This similiarities between the cast of Star Wars and The Lost Boys are eerily similar. Harrison Ford goes on to superstardom, and Mark Hamil and Carrie Fisherl are reduced to selling corn dogs at the local flea market.

Let's take a look:

Jamie Gertz who played Star, the main love interest to Michael (Jason Patric) went on to jerk Andrew McCarthy off in Less than Zero, then bounced around in a bunch of forgettable features before reappearing with massive jug implants in the critically acclaimed disaster flick Twister.

Alex Winter starred as Marko, one of David's (Kiefer Sutherland) vampire gang, landed the choice gig shortly after starring opposite Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure... as Bill. He reprised his role as the lovable Bill several years later in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey and was never heard from again.

Corey Feldman and Corey Haim who played Edgar Frog and Sam respectively, decided that their chemistry on and off the screen was too great not to cash in on.... so the pair spit out movie after movie that featured them taking turns on and/or simultaneously banging the hot chick from Charles in Charge... not Scott Baio, the other hot chick Nicole Eggert.

Jason Patric starred as Michael, then later went on to play the highly acclaimed role of Officer Alex Shaw in Speed 2: Cruise Control. He has since left the acting business and now manages a P.C. Richard's on Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn, N.Y.

Admittedly, the real draw of Lost Boys: The Tribe was to see the Corey's together again after nearly two decades of separation. Since the original feature, the pair retreated from the public eye (not so much by choice) to pursue other passions... in the case of Corey Haim that was to sample every known narcotic on the planet and get really fat.... and for Feldman he (and his mouth) found peace between the alabaster thighs of a new deceased rock star / sex offender.

Lost Boys: The Tribe for the most part is the same film as the original Lost Boys. Rather than being a 90 minute music video about motorcycle riders... the sequel is a 90 minute music video about surfers. Yep, we've shifted focus somewhat... but not a whole lot.

The movie opens with Chris and his sister Nicole moving out to Luna Beach, to live with their Aunt. The siblings have recently lost their parents to a car accident and are met with truck loads of passion as their Aunt forces them to pay rent to live in a spare broken down apartment. Chris a former pro-surfer (it's hinted at that he lost is pro status and was kicked off the surfing circuit because of his parents death, and his temper... sounds like he was a bit of a cock) begins to look for work as a board shaper... and wouldn't you know the only one who does shaping in the area, and that would be looking for shapers would be Frog Surfboards.... perhaps some relation to Edgar Frog? OH YEAH!

Following an unsuccessful attempt at contacting the Frog's (Chris is forced to leave his address for them on a piece of note paper), Chris and Nicole bump into Shane Powers (played by Angus Sutherland...yes, he is related to, and is in fact the step-brother of Keifer Sutherland... a man way to famous and intelligent to appear in this shit)... another surfer, whose pro status has been revoked (either cuz he was a big cock too, or cuz most surf competitions are held during the day, and because he's a vampire... you get the idea... big cock). Shane invites the brother and sister to his house for a beach party while clearly giving off the 'I'm gonna bang your sister and turn her into a vampire" vibe.

Chris and Nicole arrive at the sprawling vampire campus which is in full party mode. Shane and his vampire gang (which spend most of the moving playing practical jokes on another, which, for the most part involves gutting each other with knives and swords) welcome the brother and sister... well not so much Chris who apparently has some history with one of Shane's surfing buddies. In order to seduce, bang, and turn Nicole into a vampire, Shane runs interference on Chris by showering him with vagina and tits. Once alone, Shane plays the standard, 'I'm too cool for the room', vampire guy that essentially knocks every prepubescent teenage girl right out of their panties. He of course has a flask that he offers her and the stupid bitch drinks it with little to no objection. BAMM Vampire. Starting to sound familiar?

Nicole complains the entire way home of feeling sick, but Chris assures her she's just drunk... which much to his dismay is not true as she vamps out in their living room and begins to strangle him before being thwarted by a surfboard delicately placed across the back of her skull. Enter Edgar Frog.

Now my first question was, where's Alan Frog? Which I'm sure has you asking who the fuck is Alan Frog? He was of course the other dick who played Corey Feldman's brother. Long story short... all his scenes were deleted... one of the many mysteries of this gem. For the remainder of the film, Edgar (Feldman) drops several hints and comments about losing loved ones and empathizing with Chris' plight... that she is now a vampire... or will be once she sucks a cock... I mean blood. So as I said earlier... pretty much the same movie as the original yes? Chris teams up with Edgar Frog - Surfboard Shaper / Vampire Hunter / Former Comic Book Store Manager (that is one hell of resume douchebag) to save Nicole for an eternity of undead living, while continuously repeating lines he made famous from the original movie that do little more than provide douche chills and feelings of deep shame.

So what's the plan? Chris will infiltrate the vampire gang, befriend Shane, drink the blood within the flask, turn into a vampire, find out where they live, kill all the vampires, cut Shane's head off and save his sister Nicole and himself. This plan is carefully layed out and of course executed in a timely manner by Chris. So that's it. Or is it.

Big time what the fuck here. Where is Corey Haim? He practically has top billing on this piece of shit and he's nowhere to be found. That however is not entirely accurate.

Haim does appear in a very brief ( I am talking brief like intercourse with me... seconds at most) cameo midway through the credits. He reprises his role as Sam Emmerson... but instead of the cute adorable, comic book toting, Tean Beat star we saw 20 years ago, he is now a fully armed and operational vampire. He and Edgar Frog and a heated exchange before charging one another and the screen goes black. That was it!

What's really fascinating about this movie... I'm kidding there really isn't anything fascinating about the movie... what's interesting is all the shit behind the scenes. According to rumors (I did some searching and consulted a buddy who actually watched the Corey's reality show... I know the guys a jackass and definitely gay) Haim fell off the wagon hard and started back down the road to Heroinville... and whatever other drugs he enjoyed... which affected his performance (not sure how) and eventually he was either removed from the production, or removed himself. The Alan Frog deleted scenes is bizarre. I found a few interviews with the guy but he refused to offer much I guess because he's holding out hope that he'll be cast in Lost Boys 3... and perhaps didn't want to burn any bridges?

To be honest the only interesting parts of Lost Boys: The Tribe were the Corey vs. Corey scene post credits. As short as it was, in that quick 30 seconds it offered a way more compelling story than the previous 90 minutes did, and the potential of what could come... limitless (well limited to the extremely limited acting abilities of our friends).

Lost Boys: The Tribe while essentially a duplicate of it's predecessor does offer the viewer some new treats. The violence and gore factor is kicked up 10 notches, and there was a fine selection of scantily and sometimes unclad women throughout... if yer into that sort of thing. For the most part though this movie will have you scratching your head and saying huh?

Hamlin Grade: 2


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Ok, well, according to the deep voice guy we discovered alien life on a planet in the year 2009 (hey that's this year! NICE!). Being the friendly citizens of the universe that we are, we sent a 'Hey how are you?' message to them, and 10 years later they came to Earth and fucked us up. I believe the deep voice guy said 95% of life was destroyed, so we had to retreat underground.

This begins the Matrix Part 2 (Reloaded, or Revolution, or Revolutions... not that it matters they both sucked buffalo penis) portion of Transmorphers... we get a lovely matte painting (that is re-used over and over again) of the underground city Earthlings live in... and have been living in for over 400 years. We haven't fared well against our alien vistors... who are giant robots that can... ahem... transmorph into big guns, tanks, planes.... yeah, the Transformers portion of Transmorphers. The aliens black out the sky (what's that from?) so it's always night on the surface and of course always raining.

After yet another failed mission (this war has progressed for 400 years, so failure is somewhat of an option), one of the Commanders (some rent-a-porn star chick... seriously I'm not doing any research on this one... not that you really give a shit what this actress's name is anyway) petitions for the release of Warren Mitchell. This request is met with a chorus of negativity... Warren Mitchell is a bad man you see.... but he's so bad, that he can stop the machines. After much debate, Mitchell is granted release from his... ready for this?... Cryo-Prison. Introducing the Demolition Man portion of Transmorphers.

Mitchell now free, begins recruiting soldiers for his platoon that will ultimately save the day (if only they were in my living room to rescue me from watching the rest of this crap). The plan is to reprogram the fuel cell in a captured Alien soldier (Transmorpher... they really didn't even try with that name did they?)
with a virus of sorts that will be uploaded to the main frame and trickle down to the rest of the army commanding them to shut down.... ala Independence Day. Sadly their plan goes South when the alien robot dies during the reprogramming. Shit now what will we do?

No worries, cuz as it turns out Mitchell is actually an android... but he didnt' realize until the doctor who created him tells him (Blade Runner?), even though he says he's always known.... oh whatever. Mitchell ends up being the carrier of the newly reprogrammed fuel cell that will take out alien robot machine transformers... sorry transmorphers.

Insert giant ridiculous battle. This actually could have been a lot worse. Given the budget constraints this film was obviously under (the only real actor they got was Mitchell... he was an extra in Pirates of the Carribean... but to be fair the guy wins the Ironside Award... however saying that doesn't mean much, because every actor in this film is awful) I have to give them some credit. The special effects and cgi approach video game levels... but never quite reach, however this only adds to the beauty of this bad movie.

Mitchell makes it to the main frame and knowingly sacrifices himself to deliver the fuel cell and wouldn't you know, just like in the last shitty Matrix movie, Mitchell saves the day, dies, brings down the alien robots... and the clouds lift to reveal a blue sky.

My only real advice when viewing this movie on your next Bad Movie Night would be to make sure you have ample alcohol to consume during it, and have at least 4 or 5 replacement films. I defy you to sit through it in it's entirety. In fact my real advice would be to watch the Matrix Trilogy, Blade Runner, Independence Day, Transformers and every other movie that essentially rented out their plots for Transmorphers (except for the Matrix Trilogy... the last two anyway).

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Oh yeah! Act!

In all fairness, Lundgren once again outshines his cast in the 2007 classic Diamond Dogs. Our Norwegian Kickboxing Champion stars as Xander Ronson, former Green Beret Commander (who lost every single one of his men during a mission... hmmmm) who has retreated to Mongolia where he scrapes out a living as a security specialist by day (even though he hasn't been hired in months) and an underground pit fighter during the evenings, while simultaneously drinking and whoring (not meaning he is selling his penis to the highest bidder but rather he generously distributes his aforementioned genitals to the female Mongolian community).

Now, rarely do I ever do this, but I actually found the trailer for this piece of... work. Please enjoy:

Now if the trailer Diamond Dogs doesn't entice, perhaps my brief summary of it will... who the fuck am I kidding right? Outside of myself, the director and the editor (although the jury is out on that prick) I don't think anyone has seen this film.

Ronson, as I said earlier is trying to make ends meet and pay off his sizable debts by gambling and fighting. Diamond Dogs starts off with a half-way decent Bloodsport rip-off in the beginning, pitting Dolph against some local giant... which of course is peppered with scores of lines and moments pillaged from other successful features (see Enter the Dragon, Bloodsport.... actually any Van Damme will do... you really have to be hitting rock bottom to be stealing ideas from JCVD no?). Ronson also picks up a few bucks in the Mongolian underground wrestling circuit... the man is versatile what can you say?

Following a run in with the local law enforcement, Ronson is given two weeks to pay off his debts (which exceend $20,000 in American dollars) or face imprisonment. Lucky for him, his services as a security guard / guide are required by a rich, treasure-seeking, adventurer. Chambers, the rich Indiana Jones wannabe (who does his best version of a gay, pony tail wearing Ben Kingsley), along with his step daughter Anika, and their entourage, seek an ancient Buddhist tapestry, which is for arguments sake worth untold fortunes (for the record... if a fortune is untold... how would anyone know about it... or perhaps, being that it is a fortune that is untold... it could be worth $5... a fortune to perhaps a Mongolian citizen working in the local Nike factory?).

Ronson, Chambers, Anika, and crew brave the rough Mongolian terrain (which is probably filmed on location in Staten Island) as well as ample obstacles that include highway bandits and booby traps that line the tomb which holds their coveted prize. Upon reaching their goal, the groups translator decipher's an inscription on the tapestry's case that tells of a curse that will 'bring death' to anyone who removes the sacred item. Generally, I think the rule is that if there's a curse involved... death is usually a major ingredient within it's recipe. There's never a curse that just gives you a rash, or messes with your cell phone reception... nope, just death. Of course Chamber's greed keeps him from heeding the warning, and he starts them on a path for the remainder of the film that will seal their fate.

Seriously, they all die.

A group of Russian's who also want the tapestry / riches / glory and the two groups trade gunfire and bad words until there is literally no one left but Dolph. Fortunately for our giant French friend, the final battle occurs outside a Buddhist temple... which allows him to return the tapestry to it's rightful owners, thus making himself curse-free. Dolph walks off into the sunlight.

All in all this movie sucked ten kinds of cock. Aside from a few random fight scenes, gun battles, and explosions... Diamond Dogs is nothing more than a retelling and mash up of about 20 other movies that were done previously and way fucking better. Had it not been for my ever loving man-crush on Dolph Lundgren, there is little chance I would have viewed this... but shit... I'm totally gay for the man. So what can I do?

Hamlin Grade: 2


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat