Flyboys is not an adult feature that celebrates Fletcher's and Duggan's deviant lifestyle, but rather is a Hollywood production that saw the big screen last summer.

Flyboys stars James Franco (you know him as Harry from the Spiderman trilogy) as Blaine Rawlings, one of many young American bucks who wish to join the French military during World War I so they can learn to fly, and become the first fighter pilots. Flyboys is filled with token plots, token stories, a token black guy, and a token white guy that is prejudiced towards him (of course he learns the better of ways and realizes that hey, this black guy is just like me, and I shouldn't hate him just because of the color of his skin(.. you may remember this exact scenario from the Patriot).... if only all the world could watch this movie, we could put an end to racism).

Where Flyboys is weak on story, it is amazingly strong on special effects. The dogfight scenes between the French and the Germans are spectacular. They save this film, and thankfully the director or writer didn't waste too much time getting to the meat of the movie. Why waste time on plot and character development, when you can have air battle, after air battle? Why indeed.

I learned a great deal from this film, some historical notes, some interesting things about planes back then, and of course, the French. The history of French cowardice to be more specific. Apparently their legacy of being a nation of pussies began in World War I (although it could have started sooner). Rather than fly the planes and get killed themselves, the French showed a group of Americans how to fly (the head instructor is played by Jean Reno, who has apparently over the past decade replaced Christopher Lambert as the token 'French guy'), gave them planes, and waved au revoir while they stayed behind and sipped wine, ate baguettes and more than likely sucked each others cocks. Amazing how not one of the pilots in this movie was a French. Or perhaps it's not amazing at all. Good Luck Americans!!!

Flyboys is a pretty kick ass film. If you want to avoid story, and acting, this is the way to do it. Aside from some waste of time romance bullshit between Franco's character and a French whore, this movie is wall to wall action and some damn good eye candy. If you are looking for story (check out Cybernator... oh wait... no really go see it), go elsewhere, if you are looking for fun and another reason to laugh at France.... Flyboys is your flick.

Hamlin Grade: 6

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

In Hollywood, most projects are slung like monkey excrement against the proverbial wall, or in this case we the viewers. Some of these projects adhere, and garner praise, while others more accurately represent the aforementioned simian effluence, and plummet greasily to the deck. The films that recieve acclaim, and achieve a profit are immediately tossed into the whore-machine where they are mass produced into painfully generic dopplegangers and forced fed to the public until we vomit from our eyes.

On the very rare occassion some films manage to produce a sequel that equals the greatness of the first. Highlander 2 is not one of those films.

Highlander 2 is in fact the epitome of sequels. It was made for all the wrong reasons, embraces everything bad about the follow-up feature film business and could very well go down as the most catastrophic second parter to ever be made since the motion picture camera was invented.

The original Highlander, while passed over when it first hit theaters in the United States was met with grand acceptance overseas. It's popularity in Europe helped it eventually gain a cult following worldwide, which invetibaly, and unfortunately lit the fires to produce it's tragic counterpart Highlander 2 (I'm sure those assholes in England had something to do with this.... Christopher Lambert is probably a folk hero over there).

Quick recap for those of you unfamiliar with the original Highlander. Immortals populate the earth and fight from the dawn of time till present day (which when this film was made was 1986, in New York City) in order to win 'the prize', a legendary goal amongst those who cannot die.

Let me describe the evolution from Highlander, to Highlander 2. Imagine if you a will, a smoking hot chick, beautiful from head to toe, flawless, the female equivalent of Patrick Swayze. Now take that same woman, smash her in the face with a shovel, set her on fire, then extinguish her burning flesh by dropping a post White Castle liquid deuce on her.... or just imagine Julia Roberts.

Yes, I know. Truly shocking. Aside from the English culture, nothing has collapsed into utter disgrace more quickly or completely.

So Highlander 2 wastes little time in destroying everything you knew from the first film, and replacing it with.... tragedy. We join an aged Connor Macleod (played by English fan-favorite Christopher Lambert), who has achieved fame and fortune by solving the Earth's depleting Ozone Layer dilema. The prize, which he won in Highlander by cutting off a lot of heads, and banging some marginaly attractive women, gave him the ability to grow old ( I assume, something treasured by those in the Immortality field.... hard to say). The prize also gave him a certain degree of omnipotence, and with that the ability to help all man-kind. So Macleod uses his new gifts to create the 'Shield', a giant blanket of energy designed to protect the Earth from the sun's radiation as the Ozone Layer slowly disintegrates.

While saving the Earth from immediate destruction, the Shield plunges the planet in darkness, and because of this everyone is a little bummed. So the world is dark all the time... oh no, let's drink, and act like assholes.... I digress. So Macleod is now viewed as the man who destroyed the planet, even though he technically saved it..... as if it matters.

Highlander 2 starts with a flashback / dream sequence that tells of the origin of the Immortals on Earth. They are all aliens from the past living on a planet called Zeist (the concept for this movie by the way layed the foundation for Scientology). On Zeist if you are deemed undesirable, you are banished to the future (Earth in this case) where you will live forever..... so on Zeist they torture you with untold blessings of good fortune. And for the record, Zeist looked like a fucking shitty planet (imagine England....but with uglier chicks).... so really being banished to Earth... not so bad.

Enter General Katana (really unique name guys.... let's name the bad guy after a sword! FUCKING GENIUS!! Oh and by the way, here's my second in command Colonel Hand Grenade, Captain Light Sabre, and Special Agent Nun-Chuks! Whoever wrote this should be raped in the eye with a soldering iron) who is played by Bad Movie Knight's own Michael Ironside, and wouldn't you know, he sets the standard for all the thespians in this film and once again proves the theory of the Ironside Agenda. Yes, Ironside out acted everyone in this classic, including Sean Connery who obviously just dropped by this set to pick up his $3 million dollar check (I have coats that are better actors than Christopher Lambert, so not much of a challenge for ole M.I. there). Katana begins by sending some of his henchman to Earth to dispatch Macleod. Clad in black, wearing goggles, and obviously fond of cock, these bad asses attempt to assassinate Macleod. One however accidentally get's his head cut off by a passing freight train (they are fighting in the city.... things have gotten so bad on Earth that whole railway lines now move through busy urban neighborhoods)... and because of this fatal immortal injury, Macleod is transformed back into his young, strapping French, I mean Scottish self. OOOOOooooo! Yeah, whatever, don't try and figure it out, don't try and understand it. Macleod quickly takes care of the second gay bad guy and then hooks up with Virginia Madsen. She portrays an environmental terrorist who is hell-bent on destroying the Shield. After some convincing, and some sex, Macleod agrees to help her with plans. But before they can begin Ramirez (Connery) shows up.

Ok, for you douche-bags who didn't see it, Ramirez was killed (head removed) in the first Highlander and died. Right? WRONG! In Highlander 2, we learn that if you are banished to Earth, and you are killed, you get to return to Zeist. That is some fantastic holiday package they have got going on over there. So the writers found a way to script Connery back into the movie, but because his salary was so off the charts we only have to sustain him for a brief period of time during this already excrutiatingly painful visual rape.

So the gangs back together, and we're off to lay waste to corporate America! Yippeee! The remainder of the movie is like Kung-Fu the video game.... fight some bad guys, advance to the next level, fight more bad guys, next level, so on, and so on, until you reach the top. And waiting at the top level? General Katana of course. He stands between our pair of heroes (Connery died stopping a fan... go figure) and the Shield Generator which they must destroy in order to restore peace to the planet (I swear I've heard this concept before... I just can't place it). Blah, blah, blah, Macleod and Katana have an old fashion 'who has the bigger dick' contest on top of the Shield Corporation building. Predictably Macleod wins, and cuts off Katana's head (yes to some of you I just spoiled the ending... but really if you haven't seen this already, I'm doing you a monster favor), then destroys the shield, and then we have blue skies.

If you haven't figured it out already, Highlander 2 is a complete failure on every level. Never before, and probably never again will I see a franchise destroyed by a sequel (oh wait what about Star Wars?) the way Highlander 2 has. This is a movie that should have ended after the first.... not spawned this or any of the other sequels ( they all suck, but what's funny is that they all ignore the previous thinking they can do better....) or a ridiculously pointless television series (let's face it, if your TV show airs on USA.... it's already failed).

Watching Highlander 2 is like trying to pass a kidney stone through the eyes. Just don't do it. I implore you.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

The fourth film in the Jaws franchise, Jaws: The Revenge personifies the Guttenberg Principle as none of the original cast except for Lorraine Gary has returned to reprise their roles. Unless you count a photo of Chief Brody hanging in the police station. Jaws: The Revenge also completely ignores the 1983 smash hit Jaws 3,(which was in 3-D. Remember our early 80's love affair with this state-of-the-art technology? Don't worry, we will remind you very soon!) which on paper was a brilliant on idea, however in execution it was so poor that if they ever make Jaws 5, they will have to ignore this one too.

Jaws: The Revenge starts off quickly as a young Sean Brody, who is following in his father's footsteps, and is now a deputy of the Amityville Sheriff's Department, has met his match as crisis strikes during this holiday season.... a channel buoy is hung up on a floating log! Who will rescue it? Deputy Brody is on the job, because a tangled channel bouy must be addressed immediately, even on Christmas night. As Deputy Brody frees the buoy a great white shark (hidden below the log, a clever trap setup up by this evil fish and one of the oldest tricks in the book...everyone knows the great white under the floating log gag....but this guys a New Englander so cut him some slack) frees Brody of his arm. Screaming and wailing like a pussy (not that I would be very cool in that situation), the shark eventually tips the boat, sends young Brody overboard and feasts upon him. Que the blood pumps.

Now I'm no Icthyologist but I'm pretty sure sharks are not fond of cold water, especialy Nantucket waters approaching near freezing temperatures during the holiday season. Suspend disbelief.

What follows is scene after scene of Ellen Brody breaking down and crying. Lorraine Gary does such a compelling job of portraying sadness that I can only assume that she was thinking about her movie career during these moments.

At this point, you'd think the Brody family would migrate to Wisconsin, but no, at the urging of her oldest son Michael Brody (brilliantly portrayed by Lance Guest of Superman and The Last Starfighter fame), she moves down to the Caribbean to join his wife and daugher. Smart move, no shark could ever get to you and your loved ones on a tropical island....and thus the plot begins to take shape. This shark that attacked Sean, was apparently related to the shark and or sharks from Jaws 3, oh sorry Jaws 2, since we are ignoring Jaws 3. The attack on Sean was just the first step in a revenge plot against the Brody family!

In the Caribbean, we see Michael Brody, back to work as a marine biologist (studying the migration of conches....could you find a less interesting sea creature to study?) along with his partner Jake (played by the star of Highlander 3, Mario Van Peebles....Van is for Vantastic!) when suddenly the shark surfaces and tries to attack Michael. Jake immediately dismisses his original field work (good move) to begin tagging and tracking the shark (this introduces for the first time, the shark cam, which involves technology that will probably be available in a decade or so).

Meanwhile, Ellen Brody is still crying. Inbetween her bouts of depression she meets the charismatic, drunk pilot Hoagie (played by 2 time Oscar winner Michael Caine...i know, i know...I'm sure he doesn't know why he was in this movie either) who expertly tries to romance her out of her clothing (but thankfully doesn't, no need to show these two raisins bumping uglies).

The turning point of the film, is when the shark (able to sniff out Brody DNA) attacks young Thea Brody (perhaps the most annoying young actress ever prior to the arrival of Dakota Fanning) daughther of Michael (son of Jor-El) and granddaughter of Ellen Brody. Fortnately she is ok and the shark just kills an extra. Suspend disbelief.

Ellen cries.

Realizing that this shark will never leave her family alone unless she faces it (or Hollywood stops funding this shit) Ellen Brody steals her son's research ship and heads out to sea to meet her nemesis. Her concerned family and friends, Michael, Jake, and Hoagie take to the air to find her. Locating the boat, and the shark in close pursuit they land / crash the plane in an attempt to save her. The shark is immediately on the crippled aircraft. Michael and Jake manage to escape to saftey, but Hoagie appears to be trapped in the plane by the shark. The plane explodes. Devestated by the passing of her friend Ellen cries. This is the "I am your father" moment of this movie, and proves that Michael Caine is indestructible. As his friends mourn their loss, Hoagie reappears on the side of the boat. Stunned by his remarkable survival skills, they ask how he made it, and he quickly and clearly explains his escape by saying "It wasn't easy!" Well done Mike!

The three form a plan to kill the shark while Ellen weeps, by tagging the shark with a unique strobe / tracker thing they stole from the set of Star Trek. Heroically depositing the tracker along with his entire body, Jake is taken under by the shark. Ellen cries. Now able to make the shark breach at will, they turn the ships bow towards the shark, hit the strobe button, blah blah blah, shark's midsection is impaled on the front of the boat. Suspend disbelief. Suspend disbelief.

Now just when you thought the surprises were over, this one lands across your face like the back of your drunk uncle's hand. Wimpering, grunting and floating along side the boat is Jake. Not to be outdone by Michael Caine's invinciblity, Mario Van Peeble's is equally shark proof. I can only imagine these two in the casting room...."you aren't killing my character!" "Well my character isn't gonna die either then!". Suspend disbelief.

This movie is no where near our Top 5 worst, but it does illustrate a terrific example of how to piss away millions of dollars. Perhaps I am just bitter, because I was one of 3 assholes who actually saw this mess on the big screen. Perhaps. But now, revenge is mine. By the way, if you don't want the ending of this movie spoiled, don't read the last 4 paragraphs of this review.

Hamlin Grade : 2

Somewhere, Ellen is still crying.

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Dante's Peak is your typical 90's disaster flick that glorifies our destruction at the hands of mother nature. In this case a volcano. The greatest aspect of these films, are the local denizens who provide a never-ending supply of stupidity, and of course primarily to pad the body-count.

Dante's Peak starts off by introducing us to a pre-James Bond, Pierce Brosnan (who for the record is easily the third best James Bond) who plays volcanologist Harry Dalton (no relation to James Dalton... bouncer of the Double Deuce played by the world reknowned and well oiled Patrick Swayze in Road House). The opening of this epic shows us Dalton along with his wife fleeing an eruption, establishing right off the bat that he is serious about his craft. So is his wife, at least for a few minutes until a volcanic rock crashes through the roof of their car, and crushes her skull. The remainder of the opening credits show Brosnan trying to re-enact the Stallone "Don't die Micky" scene from Rocky III.

Years later, Dalton arrives at Dante's Peak with a tune on his lips and a kick in his step. Just kidding he's a dark, brooding asshole, and all he sees are dead people at the bottom of a volcano. While everyone tries to brush off his warnings, call him paranoid, crazy, impatient... the one thing they forget to call him is absolutely right. Here's the conversation between the town council, Harry Dalton, and his boss Paul Dreyfus:

Council: "Do we have a volcano problem?"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "Ok I guess not."
Paul: "There you go... now we're just gonna go camping on your mountain for fun... and bring a few million dollars worth of seismic equipment with us."
Council: "Ok great. Let's discuss the Bake Sale!"

Now most of us with common sense, would never purchase a home within the vicinity of volcano. Now for the rest of you retards, (and I'm speaking to anyone who willingly voted to have George W. Bush run this country for another 4 years), here are a few simple rules to follow:

Rule #1. If you live in a town that is conveniently located on the side of a volcano, and a group scientists show up to study the volcano. LEAVE!!!! What the fuck?! Don't get me wrong, their wouldn't be a film without morons like these, but holy shit, do you have to wait until your family is on fire to seriously consider evacuation?

Rule #2. Ok so a group of volcano experts hanging out in your town, studying your 'volcano', getting shitfaced in your bar, rapping about the last town that mother nature took a shit on isn't enough to raise your level of concern, here are a few other warning signs:

Rule 2a. When the natural hot springs spa poaches a pair of naked tourists to death.... you might have a volcano.
Rule 2b. When wildlife starts to come down with a slight case of death, and it's not due to the business end of a hunting rifle or the heavy duty steel radials on the ridiculously over-sized pick up truck that you fucking red-necks (and Ryan) consider standard accessories.... you might have a volcano.
Rule 2c. When the drinking water that flows from your faucet tastes like shit (people of Gloucester, Massachussetts please disregard this rule, as everyone and everything in your town looks, smells, and tastes like shit... on second thought, perhaps you should evacuate?).... you might have a volcano.

Rule #3. Don't make any attempts to rescue the stubborn senior citizen who is too proud to leave the home they built and lived in for the last half century. Fuck'em. Instead of one asshole dying, who in all honesty, had it not been for the volcano would have been supporting the fertilizer industry in the near future anway, you risk the lives of how many? Why? The old prune wants to suffer an agonizing death while bathing in molten rock... go for it bitch. Remember just prior to Mt. St. Helens erupting, there was an actual guy who refused to leave his home in spite of repeated warnings? No? Don't worry no one else does either. Way to immortalize yourself as the nameless old jackass who pissed his life away. I digress.

Rule #4. When a volcano expert tells you not to get into a helicopter during an eruption... take that very valuable advice and follow it. Unfortunately this helicopter crash didn't have the typical two civilians hanging off of the struts (the ones that eventually plunge to their deaths, but not before bringing down the entire aircraft due to a weight overload... how unselfish of them.... but generous for us!) but it is loaded to the brim with a bunch of rich assholes seeking to avoid bridge traffic... way to go boys, you beat the rush hour commute.

Rule #5. This perhaps the most important of all the rules. When considering a real estate purchase, try and find a home that isn't constructed on a mountain named after Satan's cock? Hmmmmm? Now, I'm sure the real estate agent will try and wooh and wow you with the price, and assuage your fears by telling you not to worry because the volcano is dormant. Dormant implies that it was once active. Guess what ass. Right now my car is dormant. It will become active again when I start it up.

Dante's Peak follows the disaster movie template to the letter. Little to no character development and completely devoid of story (stubborn townies, conflicting professionals, retards, and even a forced romance). Minimal direction (in most cases these movies have no need for a director, unless the crew needs someone to make a coffee run). The star of the movie is a mountain. If it wasn't for the actors, this movie would be 20 minutes long (and I"m being incredibly generous there). When Dante's Peak does finally erupt the movie turns somewhat good. Great effects. Great destruction. The characters that pissed you off all movie die (except Brosnan). What's not to love?

Grab your remote, jump to the eruption scene on your dvd, sit back, and enjoy. Then get up a few minutes later and watch something else.

Hamlin Grade: 4


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace is probably the greatest sequel (yes I know it's a prequel you fucking geeks) fuck up next to Highlander 2: The Quickening. Sadly, the movies following Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace didn't follow the rules of the Quickening and completely ignore this disaster similiar to how Highlander 3: The Sorcerer and Jaws : The Revenge did.

It would be very easy to lay the blame of Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace on George Lucas, but really the finger, and I mean middle, points directly at his staff. Imagine a situation, similiar to the old fairy tale 'The Emperor's new clothes' (if you don't know the story, put down the X-box controller, brush the Funions off your tits and look it up you pale faced losers), and you will have a perfect representation of what goes on over at Skywalker Ranch. George Lucas is surrounded by a staff that is terrified to tell him the truth. When he threw the script for Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace in front of them, all they had to say was....'umm George, this isn't very good' or perhaps 'George, this could use some tweaking...", anything to help make the product better! Holy Shit! I highly doubt that meetings with Lucas are similiar to those with Spectre where individuals not willing to tow the corporate line are electrocuted or dropped from a blimp at the touch of a button! Regardless, their actions(or lack thereof rather) as 'support staff' warrant death by Operation Grand Slam and a generous raping from Grace Jones...Dennis, Rick....Stan.

By itself, Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace would probably be a halfway decent film. However, since it was supposed to be the backstory to possibly the greatest movies ever (yes I will stand by the original Star Wars trilogy as near perfection), the Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was nothing short of a scar on the original franchise.

The focus of Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace is of course Darth Vader. A prototype as far a villians go. So, when we first meet him as a young boy, what better way to portray him than with Dakota Fanning's androgenous evil twin (if you haven't figured it out thus far, I can't stand Dakota....especially since War of the Worlds, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she falls from grace like the rest of her child star peers). Jake Lloyd. Jake you got to play the greatest character in a movie since Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs....and you failed sir, you failed miserably....hopefully after Jingle All the Way we won't ever see you again.

At this point, you probably think I'm going to give George Lucas a pass.....no my friends, I save the best for last. The original Star Wars story he created was without equal, and frankly still is. Even with millions of dollars, unlimited technology, and a plethorough of top rated actors, he could not even come close to the originals. George Lucas has an innate ability to suck the talent out of actors, so their performances become robotic, stiff, and unemotional. One only needs to look at Natalie Portman's portrayal of Padme / Queen Amidalla (wow was I fooled that she played both characters) or Samuel Jackson's performance as Jedi Master Mace Windu. Mr. Jackson is arguably one of the finest actors working in movies today, and George Lucas managed to direct the acting right out of his performance so that we are left with a monotous, boring, and stale Mace Windu. Why ask Samuel Jackson to play the part if you aren't going to let the man act? I envisioned Lucas on the set saying things like: "Sam, what the hell are you doing?".....Jackon would respond "I'm acting George"....which Lucas would say "There's no place for that shit here!"

Dialogue. George, George, George. The 1940's are over my friend. If you are trying to capture an era of film that you grew up with, why didn't you make Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace a silent film? That way we wouldn't have had to listen to Jake Lloyd do his Dakota Fanning impression throughout this fucking disaster.

Jar Jar. Fucking Jar Jar. Obviously this subject has been beaten to death, and called everything from ridiculous to racist. Regardless, this character, along with the Pod Race helped transform Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace into a 2 hour licensing campaign. I understand that one of the goals of Hollywood is to make a profit, but not at the expense of the story. Lucas went to such great lengths to cater this hemmorroid to licensing deals that he may as well have had Yoda drinking a fucking Pepsi. A new generation the choice of is.

Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was also a situation where Lucas went against his own statement "A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing" (I'm paraphrasing from his interview in 'From Star Wars to Jedi'). Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was nothing but special effects...hold the story please! The funniest thing is that I think he got so lost in his own technology that he forgot how to utilize it. Look at the way Peter Jackson and his crew have seemlessly melded miniature models with computer effects in the Lord of the Rings. The architect of the technology has been bested by a student of it. Everything in Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace was over polished, and too perfect. The beauty of the original Star Wars movies is that nothing was perfect, the ships were angular and boxy, and many were unattractive, but that is what made them so attractive. Nothing in life is perfect.....this bad movie more than nails that point home.

Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace opened the doors for the prequels, and just last year the arc was concluded with Star Wars, Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. To this I can only say....Lucas, now your failure is complete.

If you are upset by any part of this review, then you are not a real Star Wars fan.

Hamlin Grade: 1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Megaforce, is an old childhood favorite. I made my mother take me to see this disaster in the theatre when I was just a young buck. Megaforce features an all-star cast, starring Barry Bostwick as Ace Hunter ( I swear it's not gay porn), Michael Beck as Dallas (you may remember Mr. Beck as Swan from the Warriors), the lovely Persis Khambatta as Zara (Persis is famous for her role as Vygr from Star Trek The Motion Picture...as opposed to Star Trek The Coffee Mug? What the fuck was that about?) Edward Mulhare as Byrne-White (Hasselhoff's boss Devin, from TV's Knight Rider) and our own Henry Silva as the evil Guerera (you can learn more about Mr. Silva's exploits in my heterosexual lifemate Fletcher's review of the classic Escape From The Bronx / Bronx Warriors 2).

Megaforce is about an elite special forces group who ride on futuristic motorcycles and dune-buggies, that are equipped with rockets, machine guns, and laser cannons. They are doing battle against the evil tank divisions of Guerera ( the lovely and talented Henry Silva). Their finest weapon however is not their vehicles, but rather their choice in fashion. I was not kidding earlier. The required uniform of the Megaforce Corps is gold sparkling spandex jumpsuits.....and optional headbands. Imagine an army of Bee Gees clones advancing on you....simply put....terrifying ( Barry Bostwick looks more like Barry Gibb in this movie.....but boy do his troops love him...a deep forbidden love).

Ace Hunter (Bostwick), and Dallas (Beck) the leaders of Megaforce take their team (and sweet spandex outfits) up against Guerera and his army of tanks. WIth the help of Zara and Byrne-White, who provide intelligence (and very little acting ability) for the Megaforce unit in their battle against Guerera. There is a really lame and pointless attempt at a love connection between Ace and Zara but it fails miserably, Ace it seems is more focused on riding his motorcycle with his boys through the mountains (can you blame him?). Zara still freaks me out. Even with hair I still see her as the Sinead O'Connor freak from Star Trek. Apparently the robotic monotone voice she used in Star Trek wasn't just for that movie, it's actually how she acts.

The Megaforce unit after several successful battles against Guerera find that he has managed to block them off from their only means of escape ( I guess while the boys of Megaforce were sewing their gold tights together, Guerera was reading up on his Sun Tzu ). Ace, Dallas, Zara, Byrne-White, and the whole (and I mean hole) Megaforce team, come up with a brilliant plan (which involves 'Stealth' mode, oh hell yeah bitch!) to defeat Guerara and escape unharmed. The final escape scene with Ace is nothing short of brilliant. I'm sorry it's been a long day, I'm tired. The end of this movie is like watching any Kevin Costner movie....a complete and utter waste of your time (much like Major League Baseball).

If you like motorcycles, gold spandex, and Barry Bostwick ( be careful before you answer that one)......then Megaforce is the bad movie for you! If you do like all those things, I recommend you also call the police and register yourself as a sex offender.

Hamlin Grade: 5.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Hamlin Grade:5


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Hamlin Grade:8


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Hamlin Grade:4


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

I know the above clip has nothing to do with Contact, but at least it's entertaining. Praise be to Van Damme.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,

Joey

Hamlin Grade: 8


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Before I get into the "story" here's a list of things we've grown accustomed to in our daily lives which you'll be glad to know have survived into the third millennium.

racial stereotypes
pool cues
water bongs
paraplegics
metal lockers like the kind you used in high school
the student lounge from Saved By the Bell
wooden coffins
guns that fire regular bullets as opposed to laser beams
complete idiocy in the face of mortal danger
Tiny Lister's fucked-up eye

Dracula 3000 as you've probably guessed by now follows the time-tested and repeatedly disastrous method of placing a classic movie-monster in a futuristic time and setting, i.e. space circa 3000 ad. The results are pretty much what we've come to expect from these films but I dare say this one stands atop the crap heap. This movie might be the Troll 2 of the new millennium. No joke. It is an utter and complete clusterfuck.

Our so-called story takes place in deep space - the Carpathian system to be precise. Right now if you're familiar with Dracula lore at all you're probably thinking "Carpathian? Wait, that's the name of the mountains from Bram Stoker's novel. Please tell me they're not..." Oh they are. They very, very are. It seems somewhere along the way writer/director Darrell Roodt decided it would be clever to refer to the original novel when naming characters, locations, etc. In keeping with this lame formula our hero is named Captain Abraham Van Helsing. (It seems the name "Abraham" has survived into the year 3000 as well) Van Helsing, played by Casper Van Dien - this should be the first sign the movie is about to suck it hard - is the captain of the deep space salvage vessel Mother III. He and his crew are following up on a tip about a derelict cargo ship named -jesus- The Demeter. I think you know where this is headed. Van Helsing's crew includes former Baywatch star and Playboy Bunny Erika Eleniak as the vivacious Aurora Ash, Alexandra Kamp who also appreared on the cover of Playboy (albeit the less prestigious German edition) as Mina Murry, Tiny Lister and Coolio as Humvee and 187 respectfully (yeah you read those names right) and some guy named Grant Swanby as a wheelchair bound nerd.

All of the performances in the movie are god-fuck-awful (although a special guest appearance by Udo Kier earns him the Ironside Agenda -just barely edging out Erika Eleniak's tits -and the wheelchair guy seemed to be playing his part as if he believed it was something he'd actually want on his resume) and if you thought Coolio was lame as a rapper, wait until you see his acting. His performance when he's in full vampire mode rivals the worst acting I've ever seen. And that includes the films of Matthew McConaughey.

Speaking of vampires, I've neglected to talk about the prince of infinite darkness himself. that's probably because I can't think of a good way to convey to you how laughable and ridiculous this incarnation of the character is. Instead of some suped-up cybernetic or alien version of Dracula that keeps with the futuristic motif what we get is the same, prissy, cape-wearing count. Let's get this straight. Your idea is to take one of the most beloved horror icons in the history of cinema, place him on board a high-tech spacecraft in the future, and you make him look the same as he did in the fucking nineteenth century? You'll really be howling when you learn that the Count hails from the planet of Transylvania.

And this movie was actually made! Somewhere Ed Wood and Bella Lugosi are either whooping it up or weeping inconsolably.

Eventually Van Helsing learns from the Demeter's computer that he is the descendant of the legendary vampire killer. Ya know, the one from the novel. This revelation serves absolutely no purpose at all. It only makes the story more silly if that's possible. So a vampire named Dracula actually walked the earth in the 19th century and somehow mankind has managed to forget about the existence of vampires completely while simultaneously having a database of their history? And the earth vampire was just coincidentally named Count Dracula just like the Dracula on the spaceship? Or is it the same Dracula? Was the Dracula just a test run for a large-scale invasion by multiple Draculas? Did they abort the mission because we had too large a supply of garlic and trees?

How the fuck was this movie made? I mean I can tell from watching it that the budget (not counting Erika Eleniak's tits) was about five hundred bucks, but still those are perfectly good American dollars. There are starving children in the world. People living on the streets. I don't even know how to talk about this. I'm getting drunk. I paid money for this movie. I need help...

So there you have it. This movie sucks. And as we all know, that accolade is not given lightly around here. This piece of shit belongs right up there with Troll 2 and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Examine any aspect of the film if that pronouncement sounds like an exaggeration: acting, plot, the stupid Dracula costume, the fact that the movie's ending comes so abruptly we're left with the distinct impression the people who financed it got a look at the unfinished product and decided not to continue throwing money up a wild hog's ass and mercifully put the kibosh on this miserable failure, and that the actors appeared all too eager to comply...

...with one exception. The strange case of Coolio. He seemed to really relish this role. Never has an actor been given so little in terms of character and dialogue, and turned it into so much less. Take if you will the following exchange between 187 (Coolio) and Aurora (Eleniak):

Eleniak: "Hey...shit for brains...don't move... I said don't move!"

Coolio: "Aurora, baby it's so nice to see you! Did I ever tell you how many times I see you and...want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas?"

And as bad as that probably sounds in your head right now Coolio makes it sound sooo much worse on the screen. Just one more reason why I am bestowing the ultimate Hamlin rating upon this abomination.

Infinite darkness indeed...

Hamlin Grade:10


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Yeah I think you're like, really amazing too. So like, you're still like, gonna meet me behind that old abandoned gas station on the edge of town right? Yeah, it's gonna be so awesome. We'll like talk about Twilight and all the like, hidden messages and stuff... Oh and like make sure you delete my number off your phone and like delete all those emails I sent you and like all traces of communication between us and stuff.... Ok, like, I'll see you then and like don't be afraid. I want you to feel safe with me like Bella did with Edward...

Oh! Hello there. Sorry about that. Christ. The things you have to go through to lure sixteen year old girls into your clutches form a connection with twenty-eight year old women these days.

Well folks, someone around here had to do it. The cultural phenomenon known as The Twilight Saga is just too big, too important, to be neglected here at BMK. So I bit the bullet and watched the first one. That's right. I am gay now, like billions of people around the world who've watched one or more of these movies and been given the dark gift. And please keep in mind that I'm not intending to impune the character of the homosexual community. When I say anyone who's seen Twilight is "gay" I'm talking about a kind of gayness that even Boy George and Tom Cruise would frown upon (although I'm reasonably sure Tom Cruise has seen all of these films repeatedly...with frequent pausing)

To call Twilight a giant cock-block is an insult to cock-blockery. It's more like wholesale castration. This film doesn't suck. More accurately it dons a welders gluff and weakly jacks you off while the video for "What if God Was One of Us?" plays on an endless loop because it was too inhibited to go out and pick up some hardcore pornography and it thought that particular video would excite you for some reason. Shit. Story of my life.

I'm really at a loss for words here. As the vampire in any legitimate vampire movie drains the life from his victim, so too does Twilight drain it's viewer of any impulse towards reflection, critique, conversation...you know all those things that movies should do.

Even if you haven't seen Twilight yet you're doubtlessly familiar with the storyline. But here's a quick rundown anway. Bella goes to highschool with the very gothicly named Edward Cullen who is part of a family of pasty white vampires who've taken up residence in the area and who try to maintain the appearance of normalcy by holding down jobs, going to highschool, etc. This particularly lame coven of bloodsuckers refuses to kill humans and lives instead off the blood of deer and the like. As Edward puts it, "My family, we think of ourselves as vegetarians because we only survive on the blood of animals." Makes perfect sense no?

Anyhow there's a conflict with another group of vampires who don't share the Cullen family's regard for human life which leads to the promise of a big multi-vampire showdown that doesn't come to fruition and one of the bad vampires who looks like what Brad Pitt's stand-in would look like if Brad Pitt's stand-in was addicted to crystal-meth decides he wants to munch on the tasty yet seemingly emotionless Bella. (Seriously, this Kristen Stewart chick acts as if she spent the entire duration of the production on a heroin binge. A likely possibility.)

The Cullen family saves Bella. There's some ridiculous nonsense that involves Edward sucking the "vampire venom" out of her to keep her from turning into one of the children of the -uh- Twilight. Jesus. Does anyone else find it strange that Edward could be able to suck the "venom" from Bella? I mean you wouldn't get a rattlesnake to suck out the poison from the bite of a different rattlesnake right? I guess he did it without teeth? That's way too much thought for this movie. Sorry. Moving on...

Aside from the terrible acting the ridiculous story and the lack of even one jet of arterial spray, the thing I really took note of in Twilight was just how consistently ludicrous and silly the characters and situations were. Edward stalking Bella around highschool to tell her she shouldn't be around him? A family of vampires who don't drink human blood and like to play family baseball games during thunderstorms? The fact that no one in this fucking town seems to notice that the Cullen family members appear to have NO BLOOD WHATSOEVER in their bodies? Once again, I'm wasting energy I could be using for masturbation.

I hate this movie. It's a slap in the face to the genre and a blight upon pop culture. Dracula would be rolling over in his grave if he hadn't been staked by Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder all those centuries ago...

So. What do you call it when you get that awkward feeling from watching actors awkwardly attempt to project awkwardness during awkward situations? Oh right. You call it Twilight.

Hamlin Grade:7


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey

Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey