Are we that hard up for entertainment while simultaneously having run out of ideas for new films that we need to make a movie about this fucking island paradise?

Seriously?? A movie that celebrates a group of marsupial-raping rednecks whose only real claim to fame is that they weren't good enough to be English? Australia?!? A country whose only real export is a 65 year old Jew hating director that enjoys drinking and driving late night on California highways, and molesting female patrol officers upon his apprehension for the aforementioned act.

Hollywood what the fuck??

Oh and all you Naomi Watts fans out there ready to lash out because she's Aussie... go fuck yourselves! Yeah I'm back.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

I'm tired of the bullshit, the tinsel, the mistletoe, my chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Screw Nat King Cole. Forget that cheesy crap. I'm 24 years old and I'm tired of being conned; it's about time this tidal wave of toss came to an end. I'm tired of all the movies near Xmas being filled with either Santa surrounded by kids gushing hugs, or serial killers dressed as Santa surrounded by victims gushing blood. When it comes to celebrating Xmas in the TwistedEdge household, the choice of movie is a little less... nauseating. Less bullshit, more action.

So feast your eyes on the tasty morsels below as we describe to you the only Xmas movies that are worth watching. Anything else is for vegetarians, or Communists, or any other brand of human failure that clogs up our shops and our TV screens each December. Hopefully by educating the world as to what Xmas flicks they should be watching, the people will finally stand up and say no to the truckloads of festive wank that invades our lives on a rectum-stretchingly annual basis...

Lethal Weapon.
Yeah bitches, you read that right. Lethal fucking Weapon. Forget Rudolph and candy canes and all that toss - that's not what Xmas is about - we shouldn't be celebrating family and togetherness and peace on Earth during this cold, barren and icy time of year!

We should be celebrating Mel Gibson. And his awe-inspiring mullet. And his endless array of guns. And the never-ending pile of bodies that litter the floor whenever he goes shopping or for a walk. And the fact that yes, while this is infact a ridiculously violent, gloriously over-the-top death feast full of nothing but testosterone, bullets, dead whores and suicide, it somehow manages to sum up the real meaning of Xmas perfectly.

It makes sense if you think about it... Christ was born on Xmas... and he famously died for our sins, right? Well what better way of celebrating that than seeing a hundred nameless criminals die for theirs?! Granted the act of celebrating the life of Jesus via a movie starring a man who made a three hour snuff-porn movie about the guy's death might seem a bit strange, but what the hell. Christ was a Jew. Mel Gibson loves Jews. Case closed.

Scrooged.
There was a time, way back in the misty lands of yonder, when the 'acting sensation' known as Bill Murray was actually... dare I say it... cool. Yeah I know, sounds kinda farfetched huh?

I refer, of course, to that far-gone glorious age of civilization known as 'the 80's' in which giant, heavily armed cartoon robots ruled the Earth, Gary Glitter was without an internet connection and Madonna was actually still worth wanking over. This was a bizarre and archaic time when caffeine addled crackpots like Murray could command multi-million dollar contracts and ride rivers of cocaine without shitting out their own heart the following morning. This was a time long before the movie train-wrecks like Lost In Translation, an era when movies were FUN. We're talking Ghostbusters. We're talking Caddyshack. We're talking Little Shop Of Horrors. And we're definitely talking what was perhaps the greatest of them all... Scrooged.

Sure the whole movie boils down to what is just a hackneyed re-telling of the Christmas Carol story. Sure Murray's performance is about as convincing as Iran's commitment to peace in the Middle East. Sure it's got that bitch from the Indiana Jones movie who just won't shut the fuck up (the brunette sassy one, not the blonde disposable one).

So what?! Despite such handicaps that would normally render any movie unwatchable, forcing its unfortunate viewers into tedium-induced seizures, this film somehow manages to be... really, really fun.

Because that's what we all need this time of year - something amusingly distracting to remove us from the torment of insane credit card bills, cheap beer hangovers and the night tremors that always accompany the annual office Xmas party. Deep inside us lies the need to see this washed-up 80's has-been running around a city screaming his tits off, pulling his hair out, being stalked by sadistic Xmas fairies and generally causing more chaos than a constipated Godzilla on spring break. Well, that's what I need anyhow - there's nothing better than kicking back with the crack pipe, watching your girlfriend's kids tear the whole fucking house down, all under the warm glow of Bill Murray being held at gunpoint by the legendary Bobcat Goldthwait. That's what Xmas is all about, after all. Well, sort of...

Beavis & Butthead Do Christmas.
Having come down from the animated holocaust that was the 80's, something terrible happened - cartoons became pussified. It was almost as if someone noticed the mouth-watering scale of pure awesomeness eminating from the cartoon world and, in a moment of rabid liberal insanity, pulled the plug. Kids like me had grown up on a constant diet of extreme violence and commercialism with such masterpieces as Transformers (robots blowing shit up, toys in stores now), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (turtles kicking the shit out of everybody, toys in stores now), Thundercats (cats doing genocide, toys in stores now) and He-Man (homo-eroticism, body-oil, massive swords... and loin-cloths... and... mmm... oh, toys in stores now).

However, in the 90's some killjoy bastard decided that TV programmes aimed directly at innocent, vulnerable, susceptible kids should be 'wholesome' and 'educational'. Gone were the intergalactic wars and mass destruction, in were... Chip & Dale: Rescue Rangers. And Goof Troop. And tidal wave after tidal wave of other assorted boring shit that nobody ever gave a flaming crap about. There was a reason for the youthful apathy of the 90's - this bullshit. Why care about life when all you have to guide you is the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air? Why give a shit when every shred of fun and animalistic joy is sanitized with floods of 'parental discression' and 'family values'?

It's no wonder this decade saw record numbers flocking to law school. It's no wonder Cobain shot himself. Why else could heroin have made such a comeback? Why else did Clinton have to make all those worried speeches about the 'generation in crisis'? Simple: YOU TOOK AWAY ALL THE GOOD CARTOONS AND SPOON FED US NOTHING BUT SHIT YOU MEAN, HEARTLESS BASTARDS!!! The 80's had wall-to-wall violence on Saturday mornings and not one bad thing happened during that whole decade. Ever. Not one. The 90's? Gulf War 1 and The Spice Girls. I rest my case.

One cartoon series, however, had balls enough to buck the trend. I refer, of course, to the epic Godsend that was Beavis & Butthead - and their Xmas special DVD should be the boner-inducing jewel in the crown of any collection. It's this simple: either you know who Beavis & Butthead are and bask in the throbbing warmth of their greatness, or you deserve to be dead. That's all there is to it.

Unlike other shit being spoon-fed to the world's children in the decade that brought us the Teletubbies, Beavis & Butthead gave us what we all so sorely missed - mindless, senseless violence. And heavy metal music videos. And violence. And commentary on Pantera. And violence. And boobs. And violence. Beavis getting bitten in the nuts and mauled by a Pitbull? Hell yes. Beavis mutilating himself in woodshop to cure boredom? Damn right. Beavis in a tyre rolling downhill through traffic causing a 62 car pile-up? Damn skippy. So awesome was this show they actually had to run a disclaimer before each episode after the show caused a 5 year old to burn down their house - now THAT'S what a growing child needs.

What other show would greet you with the words: “Beavis and Butt-head are not role models. They're not even human, they're cartoons. Some of the things they do could cause a person to get hurt, expelled, arrested... possibly deported. To put it another way, don't try this at home.” Remove shows like this from circulation and what are you left with? Spongebob fucking Squarepants. Need I say more?

And that's just the TV series - they really let fly for the Xmas special. I'd elaborate but doing so would only spoil the surprise. Besides, I'm almost as bored of typing this shit as you are reading it. Suffice to say, however, that Xmas without this gem would be like Xmas without Santa Claus, or a blowjob without an erection, or Vietnam movies without napalm, or Christian sports not involving lions, or lesbianism without plaid. You need this DVD in your life and in your Xmas. It's your nature. It's in your blood.

The Muppets Christmas Carol.
Having shafted the world into an emotional mire so soul-pissingly depressing that even emergent bands like Nine Inch Nails sounded cheerful, the 90's left the people calling out for a modern day action hero - a champion amongst mortals willing to rise up to The Man and kick his ass until he shat blood. The world needed violence, and fire, and genocidal retribution. Gone were the days of Stallone, Segal, Van Damme and Gary Coleman. In was Hillary Clinton bitching endlessly on national television because her husband got laid. The world needed a real action hero like Fidel Castro needs a shave.

Rambo was an oiled-up, homo-erotic nancy boy with a fixation for hairless Vietnamese boys. BA Baracus loved the kids waaay too much. Luke Skywalker was a crybaby with Daddy issues who definitely ploughed his own sister. Clint Eastwood was spending more time talking to monkeys than kicking ass. And people around this time were just beginning to notice that Chuck Norris was ginger, so he was out of the equation too. The whole planet was crying out for someone who could kick ass, take names and spread the virtues of Democracy and wanton genocide to foreign, infidelic lands. Yet the fall of Communism had stripped us of our heavy-hitters.

There was only one who would step up to the plate, take the mantle and save us from the tirade of 90's bullshit. Our saviour, our hero? Kermit the Frog. Fuck yes. The guy's only 3 feet tall but yet he kicks more ass than King Kong with a wrecking ball attached. He's the same colour as Godzilla, but a thousand times more badass. Don't believe me? See Kermit, pictured here, with a Kalashnikov and sunglasses. Now see Van Damme, pictured here. Which of those would you rather have on your side to save you from an oncoming stampede of flesh-craving zombies, eh? My money's on Kermit. Hell, he's such an American hero he shits bald eagles. I'm so confident in Kermit's ability as an ass-kicker, that I can happily make the following statement:

Had Kermit been enlisted, America would have won Vietnam. In half an hour plus commercials. He'd have burned their trees, raped their lands, enslaved their women, stolen their recipes, smoked their hash, let their dry-cleaning coupons expire and still would have had enough time to come back home and skewer Miss Piggy before the fireworks of 4th July. Shit, he'd probably have ended on a song too. Could John Wayne have ever done that shit? Don't make me laugh.

What's all this got to do with The Muppets Christmas Carol? Bugger all really, other than the obvious fact that Kermit stars in it. As with Scrooged (above) it's yet another re-hashed version of the classic Christmas Carol story, except this time with furry puppets doing the narrative, singing songs, being merry and quite possibly cupping each other's tiny woolen balls. I don't remember really - the details are unimportant. What does matter is that on Xmas day, once all the commotion over presents and Santa and the Grinch and Rudolph and all that other mind-numbingly stupid crap has subsided, you can park the kids infront of the TV, slap this in your DVD player, kick back with a litre or two of vodka, and swoon in the brilliance of the only hero society has left. Plus it has Animal on drums, and that's just fucking awesome.

Oh and did I mention the whole damn thing was filmed here in the UK? Icing on the cake, baby. Icing on the cake.

Die Hard.
And finally folks, what would Xmas be without what is unquestionably the greatest festive movie ever made? Think about it: deep down do you really want images of children singing carols, Reindeer prancing about on rooftops, candy and kindness, snowdrops and turkey flying through your mind on the biggest day of the year? Thought so. If you're anything like me (and you must be, given that you've made it this far down the article without buggering off to watch porn) then you'd rather spend your time stretched across the sofa, eating mutilated turkey leftovers with extra Tabasco, watching a man in a vest hunting terrorists.

Sure, in this day and age we live in, seeing that DVD cover with what looks freakishly like the twin towers burning might be a bit weird, especially for Xmas. Forget that. Sure, your woman will bitch at you ceaselessly about the 'real' meaning of this plastic excuse for a holiday season. None of this matters. When the chips are down, as they so often are at Xmas, what you really need is 2 hours of violent police brutality, explosions, gunfire, more explosions and enough dead Germans to make Saving Private Ryan look like a comedy. And that scene with the SWAT team getting mowed down by gunfire infront of the skyscraper is all the yuletide joy one could ever need.

After all, nothing says 'Merry Xmas' like a burned out cop with a temper shooting people in the face! And what most people forget is this movie is actually set at Xmas, complete with snow and everything. Heck it even has Christmas In Hollis by Run DMC on the soundtrack - what more festive family fun could anyone ask for? So take a deep breath, tape the kids' mouths shut and breathe in the gentle, relaxing feeling that can only come from a true cinema classic. Go on... you've earned it!

In conclusion...

Somehow through the sands of time and the crushing blows of endless commercialism we have managed to forget what the true spirit of Xmas is all about. It's not about petty arguments around the dinner table. It's not about dry turkey or those funny little sausages you get wrapped in bacon. It's not about mince pies, or Santa, 'Ho Ho Ho' or mistletoe. How did we end up where we are now, queuing until midnight on Xmas eve in some crowded, smelly department store trying to get the last of the gifts just so your family can feign a smile and put that shit on eBay the second you leave? How did we end up sucked into this vacuum of mindless consumerism and decay?

What we need is to go back to basics. It's my hope that in slapping together this festive movie guide, I can maybe remind people of what a good, old-fashioned, meaningless Xmas should be all about - beer, sodomy and violence.

Ho ho ho, Merry Fucking Xmas.

This brilliance brought to you by Twisted Edge. Send all complaints to Part-Time Ninja!

Don't get me wrong... The Rock kicks ten kinds of ass, and should have won best picture, director, actor, and hugest fucking cock at the Oscars... sincerely it probably would have had they thrown in a retard (not a full retard however, thank you Robert Downey Jr.), but it falls prey to the same failure that all good action movies do.

It makes me feel like a big fucking pussy.

Granted, some may just call me a realist, but I cannot even imagine the fantasy of standing side by side with Connery and Cage as we take up arms against the evil Ed Harris, and his minions, George Washington, the Candyman, and an L.L. Cool J. look-alike. No. In my fantasy, Connery and Cage halt their attack in order to ridicule my small genitals, and we all end up getting killed by our adversaries.

Allow me to illustrate my point. Watch the clip below:

A solid collection of bad-asses whose cock's far out-measure mine. Now had I been part of Seal Commander Anderson's team, I would have been yelling "Shut the fuck up!" "We Surrender!!" "Here's my weapon!" all while openly weeping, and evacuating my bowels and bladder. Had I been the Commander of that team, we all would have been spared... fuck, we wouldn't have even gotten in that helicopter to begin with.

The Rock is a brilliant film... at making me feel insufficient anyway, and has enough man within it to serve as a homosexuality tester much like the Swayze Guage special Roadhouse. Had it not been for the insecurity, low-self esteem, and drive to suck a cock...this movie never would have been reviewed here... however it did, so it was. Damn you for forcing me into this Jerry. Damn you all to hell sir.

Hamlin Grade: 6


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

When I first viewed Apocalypto, my first thought was here we go again, Mel Gibson in another 3.5 hour epic. I couldn't have been more incorrect.

Mr. Gibson seems to have left the comfortable surroundings provided by the Costner Club and rather than make movies that star just his face and ego, has moved on to projects with more substance, and (dare I say?) story. Also, rather than position himself as the centerpiece of these films, Mr. Gibson has moved behind the camera to direct and in many cases, successfuly piss off entire religious sects.

Apocolypto delivers a snapshot of indian life in South America when the Mayans reigned supreme. The movie focuses on a small tribe and their daily efforts to cultivate a living from the rain forest. That is until the Mayan's arrive, disrupting nearly every aspect of their lives. Many are killed, most enslaved, and the children are left behind orphaned. Very uplifting.

The story while brutal at times, is beautifully crafted, as are the sets, effects, and the acting... everything meets to bring you an amazing window into this world of the past. So why is it on Bad Movie Knights?

My social studies teachings and my pedestrian, 3rd grade brain had painted a visual of a world of happiness, honey and blow jobs that was the Mayan community. The Mayans, in my mind, were a wonderful, peace-loving people who sang songs, made love with each other and the land. Then those bastard explorers and conquerers arrived! Oh how I loathed what they did to my friends the Mayans!

Then I watched Apocolypto.

Who the fuck were these douche-bags on screen? Sitting atop their temple, covered in jewelry, cutting the hearts out of everyone... including me when I learned the horrible truth. The Mayans were not who they claimed to be. No my friends, they lied to me and every other third grader who believed in their goodness.

Ummm, maybe Mrs. Filose (who was a total babe for the record) could have mentioned "class... the Mayans were the largest collective of fucking assholes in South America... if not the world"? Be-headings, torture, killing for sport, sacrifice, buying, selling and trading of humans as slaves.... the Mayans sucked! Why didn't you tell me Mrs. Filose? Why? If only Mel Gibson had been my teacher (almost as hot as Mrs. Filose by the way).

I haven't been this devestated since those dickhead scientists declared that Pluto was no longer a planet.

Apocolypto while delivering this heart-breaking message unto me, did redeem itself. The finale of the film shows the Conquistadors making their initial landing on the Mayan beaches (very similar to D-Day at Normandy, but the Mayans didn't fortify quite as well). Nothing like a case of swine-flu and some religious conversion to help adjust a personality I always say.

Hamlin Grade: 7


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Does Matthew McConaughey own a shirt?

This is the word of Caine.

Praise be to Caine.

Billy Ocean was right... when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

This is the word of Caine.

Praise be to Caine.

Dante's Peak is your typical 90's disaster flick that glorifies our destruction at the hands of mother nature. In this case a volcano. The greatest aspect of these films, are the local denizens who provide a never-ending supply of stupidity, and of course primarily to pad the body-count.

Dante's Peak starts off by introducing us to a pre-James Bond, Pierce Brosnan (who for the record is easily the third best James Bond) who plays volcanologist Harry Dalton (no relation to James Dalton... bouncer of the Double Deuce played by the world reknowned and well oiled Patrick Swayze in Road House). The opening of this epic shows us Dalton along with his wife fleeing an eruption, establishing right off the bat that he is serious about his craft. So is his wife, at least for a few minutes until a volcanic rock crashes through the roof of their car, and crushes her skull. The remainder of the opening credits show Brosnan trying to re-enact the Stallone "Don't die Micky" scene from Rocky III.

Years later, Dalton arrives at Dante's Peak with a tune on his lips and a kick in his step. Just kidding he's a dark, brooding asshole, and all he sees are dead people at the bottom of a volcano. While everyone tries to brush off his warnings, call him paranoid, crazy, impatient... the one thing they forget to call him is absolutely right. Here's the conversation between the town council, Harry Dalton, and his boss Paul Dreyfus:

Council: "Do we have a volcano problem?"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "YES!"
Paul: "NO!"
Harry: "Ok I guess not."
Paul: "There you go... now we're just gonna go camping on your mountain for fun... and bring a few million dollars worth of seismic equipment with us."
Council: "Ok great. Let's discuss the Bake Sale!"

Now most of us with common sense, would never purchase a home within the vicinity of volcano. Now for the rest of you retards, (and I'm speaking to anyone who willingly voted to have George W. Bush run this country for another 4 years), here are a few simple rules to follow:

Rule #1. If you live in a town that is conveniently located on the side of a volcano, and a group scientists show up to study the volcano. LEAVE!!!! What the fuck?! Don't get me wrong, their wouldn't be a film without morons like these, but holy shit, do you have to wait until your family is on fire to seriously consider evacuation?

Rule #2. Ok so a group of volcano experts hanging out in your town, studying your 'volcano', getting shitfaced in your bar, rapping about the last town that mother nature took a shit on isn't enough to raise your level of concern, here are a few other warning signs:

Rule 2a. When the natural hot springs spa poaches a pair of naked tourists to death.... you might have a volcano.
Rule 2b. When wildlife starts to come down with a slight case of death, and it's not due to the business end of a hunting rifle or the heavy duty steel radials on the ridiculously over-sized pick up truck that you fucking red-necks (and Ryan) consider standard accessories.... you might have a volcano.
Rule 2c. When the drinking water that flows from your faucet tastes like shit (people of Gloucester, Massachussetts please disregard this rule, as everyone and everything in your town looks, smells, and tastes like shit... on second thought, perhaps you should evacuate?).... you might have a volcano.

Rule #3. Don't make any attempts to rescue the stubborn senior citizen who is too proud to leave the home they built and lived in for the last half century. Fuck'em. Instead of one asshole dying, who in all honesty, had it not been for the volcano would have been supporting the fertilizer industry in the near future anway, you risk the lives of how many? Why? The old prune wants to suffer an agonizing death while bathing in molten rock... go for it bitch. Remember just prior to Mt. St. Helens erupting, there was an actual guy who refused to leave his home in spite of repeated warnings? No? Don't worry no one else does either. Way to immortalize yourself as the nameless old jackass who pissed his life away. I digress.

Rule #4. When a volcano expert tells you not to get into a helicopter during an eruption... take that very valuable advice and follow it. Unfortunately this helicopter crash didn't have the typical two civilians hanging off of the struts (the ones that eventually plunge to their deaths, but not before bringing down the entire aircraft due to a weight overload... how unselfish of them.... but generous for us!) but it is loaded to the brim with a bunch of rich assholes seeking to avoid bridge traffic... way to go boys, you beat the rush hour commute.

Rule #5. This perhaps the most important of all the rules. When considering a real estate purchase, try and find a home that isn't constructed on a mountain named after Satan's cock? Hmmmmm? Now, I'm sure the real estate agent will try and wooh and wow you with the price, and assuage your fears by telling you not to worry because the volcano is dormant. Dormant implies that it was once active. Guess what ass. Right now my car is dormant. It will become active again when I start it up.

Dante's Peak follows the disaster movie template to the letter. Little to no character development and completely devoid of story (stubborn townies, conflicting professionals, retards, and even a forced romance). Minimal direction (in most cases these movies have no need for a director, unless the crew needs someone to make a coffee run). The star of the movie is a mountain. If it wasn't for the actors, this movie would be 20 minutes long (and I"m being incredibly generous there). When Dante's Peak does finally erupt the movie turns somewhat good. Great effects. Great destruction. The characters that pissed you off all movie die (except Brosnan). What's not to love?

Grab your remote, jump to the eruption scene on your dvd, sit back, and enjoy. Then get up a few minutes later and watch something else.

Hamlin Grade: 4


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Hamlin Grade: 2.5

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer

If Hollow Man 2 had a subtitle, it would have been "Christian Slater makes an ass-load of money for 5 minutes worth of work".

Not since No Retreat. No Surrender. have I seen such blatant exploitation of an actor's marketability (i know that is a stretch for both Slater and Van Damme) for a minimal amount of screen time. Slater appears in Hollow Man 2 for little more than 5 minutes of this film, in two separate scenes. After that the rest of the movie is his voiceover. Even on the making of Hollow Man 2 (yes I sat threw the special features... Bad Movie Knight Note: The 'Making Of's" or "Bonus Materials" on some of these gems are even funnier than the shitty movie themselves. Is there anything better than listening to a group of untalented assholes talk about how they made a horribly unwatchable piece of crap film? Certainly not!) there is a guy wrapped up in typical Invisible Man garb (face wrapped, sunglasses, gloves) with Slater's voiceover. I don't think he even spent the time to sit through the special edition, so he voiced it in! How great is that. Again. Slater = genius.

Hollow Man 2, attemptes to take off from where the original left off, which is to say, the main character is invisible, and typical of all transparent man, he's an asshole. No origins or genesis set-ups in the sequel however as we jump right into the action and see (or dont see rather) Christian Slater's character, Michael Griffin attacking an intoxicated man at a black tie affair. The attack is the bench mark for special effects in this film as we see a guy essentially throw himself around a room ala Bruce Campbell in the Evil Dead (which was top notch for the record). Griffin carries the man into a bathroom and attempts to glean information from him through force. The intelligence he is attempting to gather is how to obtain a medication that keeps our invisible friend from dying. Griffin learns that he can obtain the formula from Dr. Maggie Dalton, and quickly dispatches the drunk by slashing his throat with a cell phone chip... huh?

The police act rapidly to stop Griffin, by sending a capable pair of officers to the residence of Dr. Dalton to protect her from Griffin. Detective Frank Turner (played by Peter Facinelli... I've seen this dude around before, he kinda looks like a cross between Tom Cruise and that dork turned bad-ass driver in Christine) and his partner (her name is irrelevant, as I have no idea who she is, and more importantly dies 3 minutes into this gem) are on a stakeout / mission to serve and protect. Griffin shows up, and is unsuccessful in his bid to capture the doctor, but doesn't leave her home without killing the female detective. Her death turns into the standard plot point that drives all of these shitty bad movies.

"He killed my partner. It's personal now!"

Insert the plot from Terminator here. The remainder of Hollow Man 2 is Griffin hunting down Turner and Dr. Dalton. I shit you not. After several failed attempts, Griffin finally captures the doctor and forces her to recreate the medication he needs to survive. Unbeknownst to him Detective Turner got a hold of the invisibility formula and decides to use it on himself to battle Griffin. THis for the record is the dumbest part of the movie. How does turning invisible help you fight a guy who is invisible? You still can't see him jackass. That's like firefighters showing up to a four alarm call with flame throwers.

In any case, Turner and Griffin do battle in an action packed finale. Griffin is tricked by the good Doctor however, and rather than receiving his medication was dosed with rat poison (available in most medical laboratories by the way).... and in case you didn't know.... rat poison makes you visible. Yes! We finally get to see Slater! He actually is in this film (he did appear briefly in the beginning of the film, when they showed him receiving the iinital injection to become invisible. Turner's invisiblity final proves worth something, and after exchanging blows, he cuts off his head with a shovel.... the only way to kill an invisible man.

Hollow Man 2 is a bad movie, but not as bad as I would have hoped. It's somewhat entertaining, and as much as his career has fallen apart, Slater can still act. Everyone else in this movie... not so much. The 'Making of Hollow Man 2' in the special features section is outstanding however, and is a must see. Get it see?! See! Invisible? I'm here all week!

Hamlin Grade: 4


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

"Cheerio mate, I'll have me a Beowulf!"

"Would you like shit in the mouth with that sir?"

"Would I! Soil me like a set of unbrushed dentures lad!"

"Right away sir!"

"Top Notch! TOP NOTCH I SAY!"

So what is Beowulf really? Beowulf is a giant German queen that enjoys shitting in the open mouths of English queens!

Ok seriously. Beowulf, is one of the earliest tales ever written. The original sword and sorcerery fantasy (not counting the Bible of course) that weaves a yarn about a legendary warrior, called on to save a Kingdom from a monster named Grendel. The story is actually half-way decent (I'm referring to the written work in this case), if you can manage to get past the Old-English it's written in.... man you guys talked like douches back in the day.

Director Robert Zemeckis, chose to bring the story of Beowulf to life through animation rather than live-action. An unusual tactic, but with the state of computer graphics being what they are these days, perhaps he could pull it off (after all he did bring us never-ending joy through the on-going adventures of Marty McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy).... or perhaps not.

While the CGI in Beowulf is pretty good, it's still a bit off. What really confuses me, is why spend all the time and money to create this feature through animation, if you were going to make the animated characters look exactly like the individuals that were providing the voiceover. Beowulf sports an impressive cast as well. SIr Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Angelina Jolie and Brendan Gleeson (he played Hamish, the giant red headed fella in Braveheart, who tossed rocks at Mel Gibson..... unfortunately for us, he stopped). Amazing actors all that provide ample support for the star of this film.... Ray Winstone. Huh? Yeah, let that sink in real good for a minute.

Who the fuck is Ray Winstone? That is the million dollar question. We may never know, however I will let you know what Mr. Winstone isn't. A competent actor, who's career is largely one of voiceover work, and is unable to command the presence necessary to stand side by side with an Anthony Hopkins or John Malkovich, nor is he able to carry a film as the leading role. In Beowulf, Winstone is terrible. Wooden, stiff, unemotional. Yes there are those who would say this personified the character Beowulf, and his true nature, but you are assuming that Winstone made these choices. I think rather this was all he could muster in his limited acting abilities.

You would think I would pan this film for such a casting choice, but rather that do so, I celebrate. Beowulf is borderline bad movie magic. One shitty actor, surrounded by amazing actors. Can you do better than that? Yes you can, because the acting of Beowulf was so poor, that the animators actually had to animate the character to match the thespians skills (or lack thereof) as well. Brilliant. Just brilliant!

The animation in Beowulf is really top notch. Aside from the intial wierdness at seeing famous actors as video game characters in medieval clothing, it's an entertaining film. Throw in the lead actors shitty acting and an awesome battle scene with a giant dragon (which they stole directly from the Bible... remember when Jesus slayed the dragon and saved the Jews?) and you have a bad movie worthy of your viewing.

Hamlin Grade: 6


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

When an amazingly gifted writer scripts a near perfect collection of words, and they are delivered by an actor of the same level of skill as the aforementioned scribe.... we are blessed with an epic movie quote. These cinematic lines, regardless of their length, often become larger than the movie they appeared in, and resonate for decades.

The same can be said for the Bad Movie Line. The exact opposite of the above. Take a horrible writer, have that individual scribble an unreadable and grammatically imperfect sentence then hand it off to an actor unworthy of starring in a Romanian snuff film and you get.... perfection.... but of a different sort. You see, sometimes the stars and moon align, and give us something uniquely special. I myself have been fortunate enough to forge a few epic lines.... and countless bad movie lines, thus I deem myself an expert. That being said, I nominate the following bad movie lines as a few of the greatest of all time.

"So. It is you. The son. Is it not?"
No Retreat, No Surrender
I could have taken any line from this classic and thrown it against the wall and it would have stuck like a corn-riddled dump. No Retreat, No Surrender is Hollywood magic at it's finest, even though it was filmed in a shitty little suburb of Seattle. The marketing for this film is brilliant. Jean Claude Van-Damme as the star. Like I said brilliant. One small flaw in that plan. Van-Damme is hardly in this film. If you get up to take a piss while watching it, you will miss him. However if you are able to sustain that desire, you will hear Van Damme's epic quotation. Actually it is Van Damme's only line in the feature. Barely able to speak English, he takes a break from kicking the shit out of a teenager to deliver his bad movie rhetoric.... "So. It is you. The son. Is it not?" It's difficult for me to cast aspersions at Van Damme because I probably couldn't have spoken that line much better myself. If anything I would have added a few more pauses.... for dramatic effect.




"What does God want with a starship?"
Star Trek IV: The Final Frontier
What list that celebrates bad movie lines would be complete without one of my legendary utterances? This line of course has a special place in my cholestrol clogged heart as the film it appeared in was my directorial debut..... it also slammed the coffin closed on that chapter of my professional career as I was never allowed to sit in the director's chair again.... but who need's that seat when you command a Starfleet Vessel? Exactly. In any case, this bad movie line is when yours truly threw down his verbal chops and debated God, or what we thought was God. If not for a sizeable pair of nuggets swinging between the shaven thighs of one Captain Kirk, the Enterprise and all hope would have been lost. "What does God want with a starship?" What indeed.

"SLAVES are made in such ways!"
Braveheart
Yes even the defender of the Jewish faith, Mel Gibson drops a bad movie line from time to time. Granted, not all bad movie lines appear in bad movies, or are delivered by bad actors. On occassion one of these gems get's past everyone. Fortunately, Mel directed Braveheart and naturally assumed that all his lines were beyond criticism, or revision and we couldn't agree more. During a lovely tent scene with the future Queen of England, a negotiation has gone sour with William Wallace (Gibson). The Princess offers Wallace gold, and titles, and declares that "Peace is made in such ways", to which Wallace retorts sharply "Slaves are made in such ways!" If only he had reviewed his dailys a second time and seen how ridiculously over the top he shoved that line down the audience's throats we wouldn't be here now. Thankfully, Mel's ego came through for us.

"Turn your key sir! Turn your missile key now sir!"
War Games
Ahhh the threat of Nuclear War! Remember the 80's when doom was just around the corner? War Games was one of many films that tried to cash in on our fear by giving us a 'what if' glimpse at World War III. Nestled within War Games is a beauty of bad movie line, that appears in the opening minutes of the film. Deep within an underground missile silo, to military men, sit at the controls of a nuclear arsenal, when all hell breaks loose. Flashing sirens and bells alert the men that it's time to launch some rockets (thank you Nick Cage! bad movie line from Con Air.... tons within that piece of shit by the way)! In order to successfully launch a nuclear weapon (this information has been gleaned from countless years of acting), two men must simultaneously turn an ignition key to effect the start of World War 3. At the moment of truth the elder silo occupant is having second thoughts about bringing about the end of the world... of course the younger douche bag is all to happy to accomodate his superiors. The young man in this instance is Michael Madsen, appearing in his first ever Hollywood feature. He draws his side arm and levels at his partner while announcing..."Turn your key sir! Turn your missile key now sir!" Brilliance.... it's no wonder Madsen has achieved such greatness.

"How about I take you home and eat your pussy?"
Shark Attack III - Megaladon
This movie is so bad, I'm still shocked I wasn't in it. Imagine the movie Jaws, if you will, without the story, plot, direction, cinematography, special effects (yes I know, this film arrived some 20 years later and still can't compete in this department) and most importantly, actors. The writing is horrible. The actors are worse. Put them together.... and magic. Essentially a resort community is under seige by a prehistoric shark called a Megaladon and it is up to a local sheriff (heard that one before, god speed Roy), an old asshole in a wet-suit that drives a submarine, and some whore who fancies herself a National Geographic Reporter. The trio join forces, but it's the duo of the sheriff and whore that bring us bad movie gold. A relationship that has been brewing for close to 60 minutes is finally consummated on the wings of a pick-up line, so out of line, I doubt even a sexual ninja such as myself could pull it off. The sheriff announces "How about I take you home and I eat your pussy?" Now on planet earth, such a question would be followed up with a slap across the face, and a strike to the groin.... but not in the world of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. A pussy is in fact dined upon (actually we are expected to suspend disbelief here as this bad movie line is followed by one of the most tepid love scenes I have ever witnessed). Let's be honest here, you pull off a gem like that, the only thing that should follow is non-stop, hardcore sex, with farm tools, pirates, and a wheel barrow full of STP High Viscosity Motor Oil.... and a wet-nap.




"This is my church."
Some Kind of Wonderful
Before he made the transition to cool, Jesus-looking, drug dealer, Eric Stolz was often cast as the geek, or social outcast in films. In Some Kind of Wonderful, he played... an asshole for lack of better description, who was in love with the hottest chick in school, and decided to use his artistic prowess to paint a picture of her.... and upon her viewing of it her panties would disintegrate and her vagina would jump directly on to his orange speckled, alabaster meat sword. His best friend is also an artistic asshole, a musician, and she is madly in love with Stolz.... but the dumb cunt never speaks up.... so no penis for you. I digress. This movie is a painful piece of shit, and should of been titled Some Kind of Awful, but the final moments of the film, Stolz delivers this award winning line. Walking through a museum with the hot chick at school late at night (this is step one of the panties removal plan) and while tourning the moonlit art, he utters to her "This is my church." It still sends chills up my spine, and through my hair implants.

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer

Hamlin Grade: 3

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer

Dragon Wars - D-War as I did state above is blessed with some terrific computer graphic special effects. For most of the film a giant cobra terrorizes Los Angeles as it chases a pair of young adults. In fact the movie's only focus was this serpent, and it's army of followers, which consisted of a wide variety of dinosaurs with missile launchers attached to their asses. Now as off the wall as all of this sounds it actually does look pretty sweet. The sweet however ends there.... unless you are a fellow connoisseur of the bad movie.

At some point during the production one animator must have turned to another animator and said "Hey what actor's are starring in this?", to which the other most certainly responded..."Holy shit! There are actors in this?" I did recognize some old dude in the beginning of this (who set up the story through some very drawn out narration... sadly his explanation as to why I was watching this movie did little to clear things up) but after that the cast is essentially as famous as my mailman..... but without the same level of talent. The cops in this movie are terrific, and I mean that they are brilliantly awful actors. There is one scene in particular when the cops, and the chick are driving in their SUV in an attempt to evade the serpent chasing them.... the guy driving the car is expressionless while his passengers are screaming their heads off..... the director forgot to tell him to act I guess.

The most unusual thing about this movie is the title. Dragon Wars - D-War ? What the fuck is D- War? Dragon Wars I kind of get, except for one thing. There are no dragons in this movie till the final moments of the movie, and there is only one. Granted it's pretty cool, but if you were going to call your movie Dragon Wars, wouldn't you pack it full of them? And seriously.... what the fuck does D-War mean?

Dragon Wars - D-War is actually a pretty decent bad movie. The bad acting is amazingly bad, and the special effects are amazingly good. This film will be one of many that footnote this decade as a time when producers spent their entire budgets on CGI, and payed everyone else involved with their feature in kind words.... or a diet coke.

Hamlin Grade: 5


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat