REVIEW: Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness
In space there is no daylight.
Thus reads the tag line for Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness. Think about that for a moment... Done? Good.
I was raised religiously and as a young child I fervently believed in a higher power. Somewhere along the way I lost my faith. But alas, my belief has been restored. That's right, I now know that there is a god. And he is one evil bastard. And the proof of his existence is Dracula 3000. Only the influence of a truly malevolent entity can explain how such an atrocity as this film could come into fruition.
Before I get into the "story" here's a list of things we've grown accustomed to in our daily lives which you'll be glad to know have survived into the third millennium.
racial stereotypes
pool cues
water bongs
paraplegics
metal lockers like the kind you used in high school
the student lounge from Saved By the Bell
wooden coffins
guns that fire regular bullets as opposed to laser beams
complete idiocy in the face of mortal danger
Tiny Lister's fucked-up eye
Dracula 3000 as you've probably guessed by now follows the time-tested and repeatedly disastrous method of placing a classic movie-monster in a futuristic time and setting, i.e. space circa 3000 ad. The results are pretty much what we've come to expect from these films but I dare say this one stands atop the crap heap. This movie might be the Troll 2 of the new millennium. No joke. It is an utter and complete clusterfuck.
Our so-called story takes place in deep space - the Carpathian system to be precise. Right now if you're familiar with Dracula lore at all you're probably thinking "Carpathian? Wait, that's the name of the mountains from Bram Stoker's novel. Please tell me they're not..." Oh they are. They very, very are. It seems somewhere along the way writer/director Darrell Roodt decided it would be clever to refer to the original novel when naming characters, locations, etc. In keeping with this lame formula our hero is named Captain Abraham Van Helsing. (It seems the name "Abraham" has survived into the year 3000 as well) Van Helsing, played by Casper Van Dien - this should be the first sign the movie is about to suck it hard - is the captain of the deep space salvage vessel Mother III. He and his crew are following up on a tip about a derelict cargo ship named -jesus- The Demeter. I think you know where this is headed. Van Helsing's crew includes former Baywatch star and Playboy Bunny Erika Eleniak as the vivacious Aurora Ash, Alexandra Kamp who also appreared on the cover of Playboy (albeit the less prestigious German edition) as Mina Murry, Tiny Lister and Coolio as Humvee and 187 respectfully (yeah you read those names right) and some guy named Grant Swanby as a wheelchair bound nerd.
All of the performances in the movie are god-fuck-awful (although a special guest appearance by Udo Kier earns him the Ironside Agenda -just barely edging out Erika Eleniak's tits -and the wheelchair guy seemed to be playing his part as if he believed it was something he'd actually want on his resume) and if you thought Coolio was lame as a rapper, wait until you see his acting. His performance when he's in full vampire mode rivals the worst acting I've ever seen. And that includes the films of Matthew McConaughey.
Speaking of vampires, I've neglected to talk about the prince of infinite darkness himself. that's probably because I can't think of a good way to convey to you how laughable and ridiculous this incarnation of the character is. Instead of some suped-up cybernetic or alien version of Dracula that keeps with the futuristic motif what we get is the same, prissy, cape-wearing count. Let's get this straight. Your idea is to take one of the most beloved horror icons in the history of cinema, place him on board a high-tech spacecraft in the future, and you make him look the same as he did in the fucking nineteenth century? You'll really be howling when you learn that the Count hails from the planet of Transylvania.
And this movie was actually made! Somewhere Ed Wood and Bella Lugosi are either whooping it up or weeping inconsolably.
Eventually Van Helsing learns from the Demeter's computer that he is the descendant of the legendary vampire killer. Ya know, the one from the novel. This revelation serves absolutely no purpose at all. It only makes the story more silly if that's possible. So a vampire named Dracula actually walked the earth in the 19th century and somehow mankind has managed to forget about the existence of vampires completely while simultaneously having a database of their history? And the earth vampire was just coincidentally named Count Dracula just like the Dracula on the spaceship? Or is it the same Dracula? Was the Dracula just a test run for a large-scale invasion by multiple Draculas? Did they abort the mission because we had too large a supply of garlic and trees?
How the fuck was this movie made? I mean I can tell from watching it that the budget (not counting Erika Eleniak's tits) was about five hundred bucks, but still those are perfectly good American dollars. There are starving children in the world. People living on the streets. I don't even know how to talk about this. I'm getting drunk. I paid money for this movie. I need help...
So there you have it. This movie sucks. And as we all know, that accolade is not given lightly around here. This piece of shit belongs right up there with Troll 2 and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Examine any aspect of the film if that pronouncement sounds like an exaggeration: acting, plot, the stupid Dracula costume, the fact that the movie's ending comes so abruptly we're left with the distinct impression the people who financed it got a look at the unfinished product and decided not to continue throwing money up a wild hog's ass and mercifully put the kibosh on this miserable failure, and that the actors appeared all too eager to comply...
...with one exception. The strange case of Coolio. He seemed to really relish this role. Never has an actor been given so little in terms of character and dialogue, and turned it into so much less. Take if you will the following exchange between 187 (Coolio) and Aurora (Eleniak):
Eleniak: "Hey...shit for brains...don't move... I said don't move!"
Coolio: "Aurora, baby it's so nice to see you! Did I ever tell you how many times I see you and...want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas?"
And as bad as that probably sounds in your head right now Coolio makes it sound sooo much worse on the screen. Just one more reason why I am bestowing the ultimate Hamlin rating upon this abomination.
Infinite darkness indeed...
Hamlin Grade:10
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey
