REVIEW: Twilight
...So like, um, don't you like think Twilight was really all about like, our pain as human's and stuff? and like being different and like, you know? .....Yeah it was way kick-ass like um, how Edward was all glittery in the sunlight and stuff. I was like, woah! ....Yeah I agree it was totally awesome after they like, made out and stuff how Edward didn't like vamp out on Bella and instead of like, doing it they just like talked and got to know each other, Sooo cool...
Yeah I think you're like, really amazing too. So like, you're still like, gonna meet me behind that old abandoned gas station on the edge of town right? Yeah, it's gonna be so awesome. We'll like talk about Twilight and all the like, hidden messages and stuff... Oh and like make sure you delete my number off your phone and like delete all those emails I sent you and like all traces of communication between us and stuff.... Ok, like, I'll see you then and like don't be afraid. I want you to feel safe with me like Bella did with Edward...
Oh! Hello there. Sorry about that. Christ. The things you have to go through to lure sixteen year old girls into your clutches form a connection with twenty-eight year old women these days.
Well folks, someone around here had to do it. The cultural phenomenon known as The Twilight Saga is just too big, too important, to be neglected here at BMK. So I bit the bullet and watched the first one. That's right. I am gay now, like billions of people around the world who've watched one or more of these movies and been given the dark gift. And please keep in mind that I'm not intending to impune the character of the homosexual community. When I say anyone who's seen Twilight is "gay" I'm talking about a kind of gayness that even Boy George and Tom Cruise would frown upon (although I'm reasonably sure Tom Cruise has seen all of these films repeatedly...with frequent pausing)
To call Twilight a giant cock-block is an insult to cock-blockery. It's more like wholesale castration. This film doesn't suck. More accurately it dons a welders gluff and weakly jacks you off while the video for "What if God Was One of Us?" plays on an endless loop because it was too inhibited to go out and pick up some hardcore pornography and it thought that particular video would excite you for some reason. Shit. Story of my life.
I'm really at a loss for words here. As the vampire in any legitimate vampire movie drains the life from his victim, so too does Twilight drain it's viewer of any impulse towards reflection, critique, conversation...you know all those things that movies should do.
Even if you haven't seen Twilight yet you're doubtlessly familiar with the storyline. But here's a quick rundown anway. Bella goes to highschool with the very gothicly named Edward Cullen who is part of a family of pasty white vampires who've taken up residence in the area and who try to maintain the appearance of normalcy by holding down jobs, going to highschool, etc. This particularly lame coven of bloodsuckers refuses to kill humans and lives instead off the blood of deer and the like. As Edward puts it, "My family, we think of ourselves as vegetarians because we only survive on the blood of animals." Makes perfect sense no?
Anyhow there's a conflict with another group of vampires who don't share the Cullen family's regard for human life which leads to the promise of a big multi-vampire showdown that doesn't come to fruition and one of the bad vampires who looks like what Brad Pitt's stand-in would look like if Brad Pitt's stand-in was addicted to crystal-meth decides he wants to munch on the tasty yet seemingly emotionless Bella. (Seriously, this Kristen Stewart chick acts as if she spent the entire duration of the production on a heroin binge. A likely possibility.)
The Cullen family saves Bella. There's some ridiculous nonsense that involves Edward sucking the "vampire venom" out of her to keep her from turning into one of the children of the -uh- Twilight. Jesus. Does anyone else find it strange that Edward could be able to suck the "venom" from Bella? I mean you wouldn't get a rattlesnake to suck out the poison from the bite of a different rattlesnake right? I guess he did it without teeth? That's way too much thought for this movie. Sorry. Moving on...
Aside from the terrible acting the ridiculous story and the lack of even one jet of arterial spray, the thing I really took note of in Twilight was just how consistently ludicrous and silly the characters and situations were. Edward stalking Bella around highschool to tell her she shouldn't be around him? A family of vampires who don't drink human blood and like to play family baseball games during thunderstorms? The fact that no one in this fucking town seems to notice that the Cullen family members appear to have NO BLOOD WHATSOEVER in their bodies? Once again, I'm wasting energy I could be using for masturbation.
I hate this movie. It's a slap in the face to the genre and a blight upon pop culture. Dracula would be rolling over in his grave if he hadn't been staked by Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder all those centuries ago...
So. What do you call it when you get that awkward feeling from watching actors awkwardly attempt to project awkwardness during awkward situations? Oh right. You call it Twilight.
Hamlin Grade:7
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey
