REVIEW: Spartacus: Blood and Sand - The Complete First Season
Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Betrayed by the Romans. Forced into slavery. Reborn as a Gladiator.
Seriously after reading that do you need to hear anymore? The above statement is so bad-ass that it now adorns the top of my resume, and is the opening pick-up line used when I go hunting for babes at the local high schools (subsequently, I've recently been hired to be the CEO of Microsoft and having lots and lots of sex) .
Getting into episodic television is difficult because of the time it consumes, and the quality is often never high enough to keep my interest from fading like British Petroleum stock. Spartacus: Blood and Sand however, grabbed me by my tiny nuts and dragged me back to the small screen for 13 glorious weeks!
Spartacus: Blood and Sand is a brilliant amalgamation of the best parts of Gladiator, 300, Troy (which blew, but did manage to pull off a few decent combat sequences, plus Brad Pitt in battle armor = masturbation break), Brokeback Mountain, Caligula, and to a lesser extent the HBO series Oz.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand begins by introducing us to a young Thracian soldier, conscripted by the Romans to help spread their love of war. The Romans however, refuse to let their newly acquired mercenaries leave to protect their village when they hear word from scouts that their enemies have out-flanked them and are moving to attack Thrace — which is unprotected and loaded with fresh vagina.
The Thracian soldiers defy the Romans (killing several of the officers and thoroughly embarrassing the main Roman dude) and prance off into the night to protect their village. Arriving just in time, the Thracian dispatches his enemies and rescues his wife... then it's off to the tent for some good ole fashion post-battle coitus.
All seems right in the world for our hero, until the Romans arrive to ruin cuddle time. Beaten and subdued, the Thracian is helpless as he watches his super hot wife get dragged off kicking and screaming (and fabulously nekkid) by a pair of Roman Centurions.... which is actually kind of hot. The Thracian is brought to the city of Capua where he is thrown into a gladiatorial match against 6 combatants after being branded a traitor. Under the watchful eye of his former Roman Commander, he manages to defeat his opponents... and the crowd begins to refer to him as Spartacus.
Spartacus is then purchased by Batiatus (played brilliantly by John Hannah-the brother of Evelyn from the Mummy movies), the owner of Gladiator stable, which houses and trains scores of heavily muscled, scantily clad, and generously oiled men whose sole-purpose is to fight in the arena of Capua. The rest of the series follows the journey of Spartacus through the gladiator lifestyle (one that is filled with training, fighting and having lots of sex... regular or gay, depending on your preference... really it's a great life, the only criteria is that you be a complete bad ass, have great abs, and come equipped with a giant penis... shit) as he fights not only for his freedom but for the promise of being re-united with his wife. During that journey the viewer is visually assaulted with epic combat sequences, evisceration, an intriguing storyline, and Lucy Lawless constantly naked (this is no bullshit... Xena presents her breasts on a weekly basis). Aside from Ms. Lawless' deliciously unclothed form, Spartacus: Blood and Sand is peppered, rather littered with all manner of full frontal nudity... a delicately woven balance of breasts,vagina and cock.
This show is truly a masterpiece. I dare not say anymore because I do not wish to ruin what lies in store for those of you Knights of the Bad Movie who have yet to witness Spartacus: Blood and Sand in all it's glory.... and Xena's boobs.
Hamlin Grade: 9
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,