REVIEW: Ninja Assassin
"Only a ninja can kill a ninja."
Truer words have never been spoken. While it has been some two decades since the ninja has dominated the big screen (remember the 80's when every movie that came out either involved Ninja, or some gay Australian?). The ninja never really went out of fashion, (like cocaine, mullets and gay Australians did) but rather laid waiting for the time to once again take over Hollywood and whip out their fully engorged... swords.
That time is now my friends. I give you Ninja Assassin.
Ninja Assassin is the kind of movie that makes you want to yell out 'Fuck Yeah' every 2 - 7 minutes (which explains why I never saw the movie in it's entirety in the theater... asshole security dicks).
The story is simple, and elegant. We open with a group of gang members, clearly of the bad ass variety, preparing to whoop on an old tattoo artist... but prior to the commencement of said whooping, a gang member get's his head cut in half! Not off, mind you... IN HALF!!! So only the lower jaw remains attached, and the upper part of his skull lands with a plop ( think Bavarian style on a glass table) on the floor. This ninja continues to fillet the gang with his sword and a plethora of other sweet weapons. Chinese stars are tossed in this film as though they are being launched from a Gatling gun (or Richard Gere's colon) and victims struck by these are mercilessly shredded. Oh and for the record, no funds were spared on the blood pumps... there are few scenes in this film where crimson is not showering everywhere.
Okay, back to the tale... it is present day and ninja are now being utilized to dispatch prominent social figures... essentially assassins for hire as they were originally designed centuries ago in feudal Japan. On the case is a female police officer (it really doesn't matter who she or her partner is, because they are almost useless guides that takes us through this world of the ninja... as if we really needed them) who gets to close and draws the attention of the ninja and becomes a target herself.... however she also gains a protector in a ninja who has decided to break free of his programming and fight back (he officially gives his fuck you walking papers to his ninja clan atop a roof in the pouring rain via the help of a bicycle chain whip with a giant fish-hook attached to the end of it - the preferred weapon of this particular ninja) .
Let me explain what I mean by programming. You see, to make a good ninja, you must first kidnap a newborn Japanese child, then train him or her from that early age in a vast array of martial art techniques while simultaneously torturing the shit out of them until they reach adulthood. Then beat the shit out of them some more. Upon graduation from this college of mind fuck, the ninja are place within society unfurnished, air conditioned free, loft-styled apartments where they can train shirtless (for the record, the star ninja in this film is in bath house caliber shape, even for a man of Japanese descent.... as you know the chief export of Japan is great abs) all day long until they receive orders to go out and kill some people.
If you haven't had the urge to yell out expletives thus far then you are probably a homosexual.
Insert Final Battle which includes : Army of Ninjas, Army of Special Forces, all manner of weapons ranging from swords and throwing stars, to fully equipped tactical vehicles and military-grade ordinance, and a final showdown in the Octagon (complete with unnecessary flaming backdrop) between our ninja and the master ninja that trained (mind raped and beat the piss out of for a lifetime) him.
Ninja Assassin ends as it started... with a 'Fuck Yeah''. By the conclusion of this feature, I guarantee that not only will you be screaming the aforementioned battle cry, but you will also be holding your penis in your hands and vigorously masturbating. Women needn't concern themselves, because you aren't allowed to watch this movie anyway. Go back to the Notebook.
Hamlin Grade: 8
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,