If you press the button, two things will happen:

• The first is that someone, somewhere in the world who you don't know will die
• The second thing will be that you will receive a payment of one million dollars

...and if you watch The Box in it's entirety, the following will occur:

• You will throw your own feces at the television screen
• You will want to sue the director for one million dollars for having had to sit through this mess
• You'll want to suck a cock to try and remove the taste now festering in your mouth

To be honest, when I first saw the 90 second preview for The Box, I was sold. A moral riddle delivered by a deformed UPS Man. How could this movie not be brilliant? Unfortunately, the Box continued on for another excruciating 113 minutes went and collapsed like a British Petroleum drilling platform.

The Box, opened well... the mood was somewhat gloomy, the characters a bit sad... both perhaps side-effects of living in Virginia in the '70's (although I couldn't imagine life in Virginia being any less depressing today) and BAM!! A box is delivered to your door. The main characters (played by Cameron Diaz and Cyclops of the X-men) are bewildered by the contents of the package, which is essentially a square black box, topped with a large red button that is secure under a small glass dome.

The following day a gentleman named Arlington Steward (played by Frank Langella of Skeletor fame) arrives at the door to explain the box and it's contents. Apparently, Mr. Langella's character was severely injured after being hit in the head by lightning... leaving him with a huge chunk of flesh missing from the left side of his face which resembled a melted vagina. Steward unlocks the 'button unit' and explains the Deal or No Deal scenario that is now placed before the couple (see above).

Quickly the couple finds themselves distraught over the decision they must make (and their choice must be made within 24 hours, when Pussy Neck will return to retrieve the box). Clearly faced with some financial difficulty, and also met with professional letdowns at work, the one million dollar prize would help assuage their stress. However, causing the death of another individual weighs on their conscience.

Then Cameron Diaz hits the button. To be honest, there was almost no hesitation. Actually, the funny thing about the Box is that of the three couples who we witnessed with 'a box', the wives of each union were the ones who hit the button... proving once again that all women are soulless, money seeking whores who will stop at nothing to advance themselves. But I digress.

Once the moral dilemma portion of the Box ends, the 'what the fuck' portion begins. Steward (Langella) was apparently killed by the lightning that struck him and was reincarnated as the Devil or an alien (we never really find out which). He goes around town dropping off boxes in an effort to determine whether or not the people in this neighborhood are fucking assholes (clearly the wives are). Cunt Face also has the ability to possess anyone he wants which gives him the ability to view his subjects (box possessors) at all times... you know this is happening because when someone is possessed their noses begin to bleed.

As this long dump of movie slowly progresses we learn that Steward's box experiment was designed to determine whether or not the human race should be saved. So now the Box has become the Day the Earth Stood Still, and our fate is linked to a town of douche bags in the South... that seems fair (Honestly if you wanted to take a cross-section of humanity, Virginia is the last place I would begin... those dicks are still pissed we abolished slavery).

The Box spirals out of control and concludes with another decision laid out before the couple. This time they are faced with the choice that Cyclops must kill his wife (with a revolver conveniently provided by ole' labia jaw) or their son will live out the rest of his life both blind and deaf. Since the wife was the one that hit the button, I say double tap the whore in the forehead... but then we wouldn't have the time for the emotional exchanges and goodbyes.... but wouldn't you know... right before Cyclops kacks her... across town, another cunt wife is hitting the button on the box.... then BANG. Cameron Diaz is dead, Cyclops goes to jail, their son can see and hear, and Frank Langella's cheek bone has a yeast infection.

The Box is a terrific example of doing so little (or next to nothing) with so much. This movie is so fucking bad I'm amazed Halle Berry wasn't in it.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat