Swapping oiled buttocks for anything is never a fair trade... unless you are receiving multiple oiled buttocks in return.

Even more famous than the whole movie Total Recall is the legendary Chick With Three Boobs. You know the one I mean.

Does this mean though that on the mutant reservations of Mars, there's people with three buttocks also?

Ponder that.

Indeed, I didn't even question my sexual orientation after this movie. What gives?

Also when did Van Damme start looking like Jim Varney?

Dolph Lundgren filmed his role in this movie in under 5 days. Yes, really. That tells you much about the film.

Am I right in saying that at the end of Unisol 1 that Dolph got put through a threshing machine? If so, I'd have expected at least an unconvincing scar and an eyepatch for his dramatic return in this installment.

Dolph looks pissed off in this movie. Probably due to the fact his charachter has spent many years living in a large freezer bag. No, I'm not making it up.

This film is self-consciously pointless. If there is any doubt, Dolph dispels it during his death scene. An instant before Van Damme dispatches the sullen one, Dolph declares that he "remembered" what he wanted to say. Van Damme apparently does not want to hear it, and Dolph gets drilled with a projectile to the head.

What was he going to say? The mystery gets even more compelling because Dolph appears in only about 7 minutes of this film, so there's got to be some reason they pulled this pseudo badass back from the dead and waste him before his lack of any martial arts skill can be displayed. What was he going to say?

It's a trick question, because the real question is: what does it fucking matter? If you spent more than two seconds wondering what Dolph was going to reveal, you got suckered in precisely the way I imagine this director wanted. This is metashitting at its finest: Who gives a flying fuck about what ANYBODY had to say in this hollow piece of loosely armed MMA sparring bout: it doesn't matter! AND LEAST OF ALL WHAT DOLPH WAS GOING TO SAY!

I believe the sole purpose of the scene is to see who will actually ask this question in public, thus revealing [1] that you actually watched this colon-buster; [2] that you actually thought there was a story; and [3] that you are likely to be a source of endless amusement for people who like to pick on others with disabilities.

BTW: who is the actor next to Busey at the top of the page?

Quite why Dolph is in the movie at all is unexplained, as is why he is undamaged after being literally pulped in the first movie, or how a bent scientist got hold of him, or why he spends his time sleeping in a large freezer bag.

There's actually a really good performance by Lord Dolph in there somewhere, the bit in particular where he murders his creators for asking lots of questions and being foreign. You must remember, after all, that out of the whole cast Dolph is the only one who actually went to acting school.

Dolph should make his return in Unisol 6. And why not? Yes, he gets most of his head blown off point blank with a shotgun. Yes, his brain matter ends up decorating the camera lens. So what? If a ride through a threshing machine doesn't stop him, mere 12 gauge would barely make a dent.

This review is unquestionably the greatest we have ever posted in the history of this website. I'd like to take a moment to especially thank Part-time Ninja for writing it, he is truly a genius and we are honored to have his God-like presence amongst us. He is better than any of us. We swoon.

Part-time Ninja brings nothing to the table, other than recycled dick jokes, an overblown sense of self-worth and a razor sharp arsenal of grammar.

Oh and he likes it when I suck his dick in the back of my pickup.

It's true. I remember when I filmed that shit. I had to buy a new zoom lens.

I wasn't shocked that I found you two blowing each other in a pickup though. I just was shocked you could afford to rent one.

England sucks.

Just needed to get that off my chest.... really just to make room for the stool this Dutch whore is about to drop there.