The Word of Caine
Truth in movies.
The cinema sometimes bends the rules that we cling to for the benefit of enhanced entertainment. In most cases those rules are shattered beyond reason for the benefit of... I have no fucking clue. Below are just a few of the more popular scenarios and archetypes that leave us all bewildered and confused...
..but no matter because thanks to the money you spend to watch this crap I can afford to build another villa in the South of France. Thanks!
Anyone can kick anyone's ass.
It doesn't matter how many years of hand to hand combat training you've logged, or that you are in olympic level athletic condition, on screen the odds are always even, and perhaps slightly stacked against you.
The physics of a fight scene in the cinema are often skewed far beyond what we would deem realistic... and often dance into the realm of completely fucking ridiculous. For example:
An afternoon of karate training under the tutelage of a borderline pedophile plumber is more than sufficient to take on one or multiple individuals who have dedicated their lives to the art of Ninja combat. See Karate Kid.
Physical conditioning, size, weight, and reach are made obsolete on screen, which makes it easy to see why a 110 pound walking penis like David Caruso could easily man handle a fitness addicted actor like Nicholas Cage, as seen in Kiss of Death.
If two combatants square off, and one of them is brandishing a knife or other non-ballistic weapon, the unarmed individual will always win the fight.
Similarly, if one of the two combatants is female, the fighter with the vagina will always win... especially if she is a soccer mom facing off against an ex-Navy SEAL. Unless said Navy SEAL is Charlie Sheen, then they will just have wild, free, unbridled sex.
The Detective.
It's a well known fact that all detectives are sullen, brooding, relentlessly hard-working, alcholic, relationship challenged, avid smokers, addicted to one or more narcotics, currently engaged in some form of therapy (at their Departments request) and always under investigation by the Internal Affairs Department. In fact most of the above are job requirements necessary to make the grade of Detective. Perhaps the most essential part of being a detective is to always be at odds with one's own superior. The best detectives are always fighting with the Chief of Police, often surrendering their shields and piece during investigations ( a motivational tool if you will ) which will of course be returned upon successful apprehension of the suspect and closing of the case with a firm embrace from the aforementioned Chief.
As mentioned before, the most accomplished detectives are unsuccessful at forging and maintaining any sort of relationship. Detectives are always on the verge of a marital collapse, which in most cases is their second or third attempt within the institution. Their ambitious nature coupled with a touch of self absorption and a raging case of alcoholism prevent anyone (other than their partner - who is often killed while working together on the currently unsolvable case ) from getting close to them.
Most often overlooked is the spawn of the detective. Detectives generally have teenage children who have just smashed through the wall of puberty and discovered a whole new range of emotions that include rage, anger, and of course resentment of their hard-working parents. Yes hair on the genitals is a license to be a complete douchebag which in most cases means hating your parent who is employed by the local law enforcement. Fear not however friends.
While the cases these detectives are currently working on may slowly driving them to the brink of madness, and simultaneously destroying their marriage, taking the lives of their partners, and strengthening their dependence with alcohol and narcotics there is a silver lining. Their asshole teenage children, will often be swept up into the case as either a victim and/or suspect and be saved by the parental unit they so despise... thus wiping the slate clean to lay the foundation for a new relationship... which will only collapse again once the detective is assigned a new case.
Nuclear Nautilus.
In post-apocolyptic Earth, after a hard day filled with pursuing gasoline toting refugees, burning villages, and raping everything in site (living or dead), it's difficult to find the time to make it to the gym.
So how is a mutant cyborg barbarian supposed to maintain their peak physical condition while still providing the highest quality murder and rape on the job? Fear not friends.
Fortunately for those of you living in future Earth (the non-Al Gore version... and probably more than likely the more realistic probability), ample radiation, provided by the never-ending nuclear fallout will be all the exercise you will ever need. Just a few minutes of exposure to weapons-grade plutonium is like riding the StairMaster for 15 years.
While this intensive physical regimen does keep today's mutant brigand in Jesus-like shape, it does come with some minor side effects that include, hair loss, tooth decay, the aforementioned blistering flesh, madness, shortened-life span, shrunken testicles, and death. A small price to pay for firm pecs and ripped abs however.
No pain. No gain. No rape.
It went straight through!
There is probably no better way to take down your opponent than with the use of firearms. However shooting a bullet is not always foolproof.
If a bullet strikes an individual in a limb, that appendage is generally rendered useless, and a direct hit to the torso will most certainly fell our hero. However. If the projectile manages to navigate it's way through the flesh, bone, and sinew and emerge on the other side, it's intended target will for all purposes be unharmed. Often these 'straight-through' wounds require little to no medical attention, while a wound that did not exit will bleed profusely until the victim dies of exsanguination.
During a bad movie, the individual who experiences this phenomenon will often exclaim "It went straight through!". This declaration eases the concerns of friends and simultaneously delivers the verbal equivalent of "You missed!" to ones opponent.
This is the word of Caine.
Praise be to Caine.
