REVIEW: Halloween II
Authors Note: While attempting to write a review of Rob Zombie's disasterous sequel to his equally disastrous 2007 miscarriage Halloween, I was subject to a series of bizarre dreams and hallucinations. These experiences were sparse in ocurrence and faint in effect at first, so I simply chalked them up as the result of a healthy alcohol diet,combined with the lingering effects of drug experimentation from my college years. But soon the images became more frequent and intense until I found myself wandering through desolate fields at twighlight following a bearded man in a white dress. He resembled a young Jerry Garcia or maybe Al Jourgensen in drag. And he spoke terrible and perverse things to me.
After dispelling the notion that I had been drugged and seduced to the woods by some deluded whino in heat, I became consumed with the notion that someone - or something - was attempting to possess my very body, mind and soul; to speak through me. What follows is a brief journal excerpt in which I managed to document the revelation I received from this dark, malevolent force.
My name is Robert B. Zombie. And I am a genius. In fast I might be the most geniusest genius to ever walk this earth and certainly the most geniusest to ever make a movie. I also make music. Remember that song "More Human That Human"? The one with the awesome slide riff? Yeah that was me. My slutty-looking wife's name is Sherri Moon Zombie and although she's not a genius like me she is a respectable piece of ass and the greatest actress in the world. That's the kind of tail you can pull when you're a genius, or in a band.
I have just completed my epic reimagining of the horror classic "Halloween" which took two parts to realize and -like my music- made me all kinds of teenage money. I don't mind telling you that my genius has made me filthy rich. And my Halloween films are clearly superior to the John Carpenter ones that came before. They were all like, build up and tension. Not enough stabbing. Worse yet, they didn't even explain why this dude in the mask went around totally shredding hot babes and their geeky boyfriends. And so one day while swimming with Sheri through our giant piles of money I had my genius idea to remake that movie and explain why the little Myers kid was all fucked up. This gave me a chance to display my geniusy film making skills, which I had already perfected in "House of 1,000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects."
Can you believe some people thought it was wrong of me to show Michael's backstory? My Halloween didn't even get any Academy Awards; not even one for Sheri who clearly should've gotten the nod for Best Actress. What total fucks! Most people don't understand genius, but alot of the ones that do left their trailer parks and showed up in droves to see my movie and they loved it. They loved it so much that Dimension films wanted -no begged- me to do a follow up. HA! Suck it Ebert!
I think I'll do a re-reboot of the Batman franchise next. I mean I know people slobbered all over that Nolan guy's balls for his Batmans, but let's not kid ourselves here; the man is no genius. And I've already got the most geniusest idea for my re-reimaginings. Instead of Bruce Wayne being some spoiled rich kid who's parents get murdered by a thief I'm gonna have him born in a trailer park, the son of an abusive stepdad who dresses up like a clown and makes little Bruce dress up like a Bat while he does things to him. This is a way cooler origin story than those other stupid movies and comic books. Sheri can even play Cat Lady or Poison Oak or whatever her name is. Oh and I won't spoil it for you but there'll be a way cool suprise when people find out who The Joker REALLY is! And there'll be a scene where he stabs this hot topless stripper like, A THOUSAND TIMES! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND....ahem.
And if those mpaa faggots have a problem with it, they can suck on my big genius!
The Zombie hath spoken.
Hamlin Grade: .5
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,