REVIEW: Command Performance
Die Hard at a rock concert directed by Dolph Lundgren. How could I say No?
Dolph Lundgren stars as Joe, an ex-biker in a shitty rock band who ends up having to save The Russian President from a Jason Statham look-a-like. Meanwhile The Dolphster kills a guy with a drum stick and an electric guitar and is squeamish about guns for ridiculous reasons until finally being convinced that bringing a guitar to a gun fight is a dumb idea. With Dolph as an ass-kicking biker/drummer we are supposed to believe that Dolph can somehow save the day and that Venus played by Melissa Smith of the Pussycat Dolls (!) In other words it's what you would expect from your premise, and it certainly is the wackiest Die Hard rip off since Sudden Death.
That said, Dolph looks uncannily like Kris Kristofferson in his older age especially when he winks at the pussycat doll and puts a mack on the little philly. After years of seeing our action stars turn into pussies, it was nice to see that Dolph could woo a pop princess young enough to be his daughter without even speaking a word. This is probably because high maintence babes need a bad boy prick to treat them like whores and if there's one thing we know about bikers and male rock stars is that they like to treat their women like whores. Indeed the finale finds The Pussycat Doll putting her head on Dolph's shoulder, and we just know Dolph is but two minutes from receiving a blow job from the pussycat doll lead singer. It's even more telling in how aiding Dolph in battle she shoots one guy in the whole film, who was already wounded. But she's a woman so what do you expect?
This also marks the debut of Dolph Lundgren's daughter, and she's about as good as Jean-Claude Van Damme's son was in Derailed. Which is to say not very. Indeed the next Universal Soldier movie which brings back Van Damme and Dolph has JCVD's son. Which kinda pisses me off. It's sort of like how cool Ozzy Osbourne was before his damn family got on our nerves. We like Ozzy but not his family. Ergo we like Van Damme and Dolph, because they kick people's asses, however we do not want to see their sons or daughters in roles that could've gone to someone better (or worse) for both Van Damme and Dolph earned our love (and attraction) and by no means will we accept their offspring just because of who they're related to. You don't see fan clubs for Mike Norris or Chad McQueen do you?
Anyway Command Performance, it's a great bad movie, and worth seeing merely for the most hilarious death scenes in a while. I mean not since Van Damme used a turkey bone to kill, has there been a more enjoyable Die Hard rip off. Indeed, if only Eric Roberts had played the villain like he was supposed, then this would've been a classic for the ages. Now it's just worth seeing as a hilarious portrayal of Dolph Lundgren and his effortless attempts to sodomize Pussycat doll singers. Personally, I think there's a movie right there.
Hamlin Grade: 7.5
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
