Valkyrie is the true story of a group of Nazi assholes who attempt to take down the supreme Nazi asshole Hitler himself.

Much like the plan, Operation Valkyrie, the film Valkyrie failed miserably.

First allow me to get something off my chest... aside from the giant corn riddled turd I requested be curled there by the $5 whore I picked up behind the Javitz Center. I'm tired of the phrase that seems to preface many of today's Hollywood wannabe epics... 'Based upon a true story'. Perhaps, one time this tag line held some credibility, but now it serves to add undeserved value to films that have little to none. If the true story that a film is based on sucks a bag a smashed monkey balls, then won't that same film suck that same rotting package of simian genitals? The answer my friends is clearly fucking yes.

Unless you are retarded, failed history, a holocaust denier, or all of the above it's hard to watch a movie about the plan to kill Hitler when we all know it already failed. I mean seriously, this is like watching a Sharon Stone movie and not seeing her vagina (not that anyone would want to bear witness to that dried up boot heel these days).

The biggest misconception I had about Valkyrie prior to viewing it was that I thought Tom Cruise played an American spy who infiltrated the German ranks in an effort to kill Hitler. Why would I think this? Because Tom Cruise made no attempt whatsoever to play his character with even the slightest hint of a German accent. Blame cannot be reserved for Cruise alone however, because every actor in this cast put forth the same lack attention of detail, in fact most used their natural British accents including the douche who played Hitler. Perhaps the director was trying to say something about the English and Americans? Or perhaps the director just sucked. I'm leaning heavily towards the latter.

Valkyrie opens in Northern Africa with Tom Cruise portraying a Nazi douche named Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, who is chronicling his disappointment with the German army and their lack of honor. While trying to persuade other officers who he believes are also unhappy with Hitler and his fascist outlook, Stauffenberg is injured by an American air-raid. Actually, injured is a massive understatement, he is fucked up. Stauffenberg loses a hand, and eye and two fingers.

After donning an eye patch (which for the record is a really cool look... and it can even turn a man who prefers alternative lifestyles like Cruise into an instant bad-ass) Stauffenberg continues his campaign to take down Hitler and is eventually welcomed within a secret inner circle of anti-Nazi's that consisted of politicians and high ranking military... however they were nothing more than a collection of pussies who lacked the balls to act.

In any case, they spend more than half the movie formulating a plan based on Operation: Valkyrie, which was a fail-safe put in place if the Fuhrer was to ever be killed... essentially dictating that the reserve army would take control of the capital and make sure his policies were carried forward. Then like most managers who spend endless hours talking rather then doing attempt to execute their plan, and fail at just about every phase of it. Let's break it down:

- Hitler was to be killed with the use of a plastic explosive device planted within a briefcase, during a meeting in his bunker. Also the Fuhrer was to be assassinated only if his second in command, Dr. Joseph Goebbels was in attendance at the aforementioned meeting.

- As soon as the word was received that Hitler was killed, the new Operation:Valkyrie was to be put into effect... immediately.

- The new political regime would take control of Berlin, and Germany through the use of Hitler's reserve army by arresting all of the high ranking SS and restore the honor of their country... and more than likely begin sucking some major Allied ass to avoid being executed.

Easy as 1, 2, 3, right? Sure, if you weren't an incompetent collection of assholes. Firstly, Hitler's meeting wasn't held in his bunker, which probably should have called for an immediate abort. The reason the bunker was essential was that it was a concrete structure several feet thick that would have contained the initial blast, and essentially amplified it, thereby incinerating the occupants within. So the meeting is moved to his cottage outside the bunker. ABORT!!! Oh and wouldn't you know it, Dr. Joseph Goebbels isn't at this meeting. ABORT!!!! ABORT!!!! Now why is this so important? Dr. Goebbels is such a major league douchebag, that he actually makes Hitler look like a nice guy... what's more, is that the man was supposedly intelligent and would have run the German army much more efficiently... perhaps one of the reasons Hitler was never assassinated was because everyone knew he was retarted? So Stauffenberg, ignores the advice of his associates and goes for it anyway... and manages to blow up a table (one of those giant Jesus looking things that could probably deflect a nuke... fortunately for the Fuhrer, Stauffenberg's explosives were placed underneath this giant forcefield of oak).

In any case, Stauffenberg assumes that he has killed Hitler,and thus calls Berlin and tells his cohort General Friedrich Olbricht to initiate the plan. Olbricht, giant vagina that he is, does not act for another three hours... in fact Operation:Valkyrie does not begin until Stauffenberg returns to Berlin. However the lack of action allows Hitler to reveal to his subordinates and eventually the German people that he his very much alive and that Tom Cruise is gay.

The coup lasts a few hours, but is eventually put down, and the entire gang is rounded up and executed. I couldn't believe it! Operation: Valkyrie didn't succeed? You mean Hitler wasn't killed? Oh yeah I read that in my fuckin' 3rd grade Social Studies book (under the tutelage of the very lovely Mrs. Filose).

Again, my 'based on a true story' theory is holding a lot of water (consisting of mostly raw sewage and AIDs). Why would you make a movie about something that everyone clearly knows the ending of? Seriously, it's like watching the Crying Game and being shocked that there's a cock swinging between that thing's legs... unless you are English and hoping for said cock. Here's a list of some other great movie ideas that I have... and of course they are all 'based on true stories:

John and Jacqueline go to Dallas

Micky Mantle - My Liver. My Enemy.

I think I could go on forever... although it would be funny to watch the Brits kick the shit out of the Argentinians (the Argentine army still uses the blow gun) for 2 hours (3.5 hours if Costner directs it), I think we all get the point. If you are looking for shitty movie based on a true story... Valkyrie is your film! If you are looking for excitement, drama, and unpredictability... go elsewhere my friends. Go elsewhere.

Hamlin Grade: 3


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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