After watching D-Wars: Dragon Wars I thought I'd seen the most expensive turd the film industry had to offer...

and then along came Michael Bay and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Not only does Bay manage to churn out the biggest waste of money and time in the history of cinema with this film, he once again accomplishes the utter desecration of yet another beloved franchise. Michael Bay is not satisfied with simply raping your childhood. He seeks to inflict puncture wound after puncture wound with the sole intent of savagely violating the highest amount of orifices (orifi?) possible in one sitting. Not since Ronald Reagan has a man done so much damage with so large a budget. (not counting Bush. It's too soon... Actually, no it isn't.)

To be honest, I've blocked so much of this film from my memory that I really don't recall exactly how it begins. Some nonsense involving Transformers and natives. Soon enough we are plunged into our first action sequence and it doesn't take long to realize that not only has the visual incoherence that the first film was criticized for not been remedied. It's actually been ramped up about eleven notches. Optimus Prime gets in a fight with a Decepticon that resembles some kind of giant mechanical doughnut (I mean, what the fuck is this thing?) - and who informs him that "The Fallen will rise again..." right before Optimus caps him. Ominous right?

Enter our human hero Sam Witwicky who, not content to stay home and stick his dick in the ultimate piece that is Megan Fox, decides to head off to college because as we all know a sound education is the bedrock of a successful adult life. I mean, don't get me wrong, riding around in a brand-spankin' new Camaro that turns into a giant robot ready to do your bidding at any given time is alright if you want to just coast in life...anyway Sam goes to college. His mother eats some hash brownies. Megan Fox walks in on him just as he is about to be pleasured by some other babe (who turns out to be a robot in disguise) Oh, and he also picks up an annoying, hallucinogenic tic that causes him to draw mysterious symbols on chalkboards, his dorm room, the ground, etc.

Somewhere along the way Megatron gets revived, shoots off into space and we learn that he actually answers to a robot superior known as "The Fallen." There's another big battle scene where Optimus takes on two or three or four Decepticons at once and (spoiler alert) dies. At this point in the budget approximately two or three third world country's could've been delivered from famine.

The death of Optimus Prime makes it possible for The Fallen to return to earth since he is a member of the Prime family and, for some feebly explained reason, only a Prime can kill him. Too bad for earth since The Fallen intends to use some device called the Sun Harvester to blow up the sun and hence the entire solar system. Why The Fallen wants do to this is unclear to me, sinse ostensibly he would be condemning himself to destruction as well. But hey, this is a Michael Bay movie so lets cut the film some slack when it comes to things like character motivation, plot points, or anything else that typically constitute a good movie.

As offensive as the plot to this abomination is, old Mikey caps it off with two of the most racially offensive characters since those crows from Dumbo. Two twin transformers with buck teeth and uber urban dialects. Stay classy Michael. Add to this ridiculousness a transformer who is so old he actually has to use a cane to walk about. That's right. A robot. With a walking cane. What the fuck?

Optimus is revived in the climax (of course) as is Sam, who at this point I was kind of rooting to be crushed by one of the numerous insignificant giant robots tramping around destroying pyramids and such. After destroying the Sun Harvester Optimus simultaneously whips both Megatron and The Fallen's metal asses. He kills the latter and tada! We're saved...until next time.

Are you kidding me? I could shit a better movie than this. In fact I have. For reference, see my last shit.

My advice for anyone intending to experience Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - just fast forward to the scene of Megan Fox wearing extremely short denim cutoffs resting in a hot doggy position atop a suped-up hog (that's a motorcycle.) Press pause. Masturbate repeatedly. If need be you can lubricate yourself with your own tears as you consider the hideous reality that Michael Bay is still allowed to make films. In fact a third Transformers is already slated for release.

Bay must be stopped.

Hamlin Grade: 7


Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,
Joey