REVIEW: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
Oh I have been waiting to stick my tentacle into this one. "This one" being Deborah "Debbie" Gibson and/or the ill conceived sci/fi disaster that is Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus.
Word to the wise: any time you see "The Asylum presents" during a film's opening title sequence, settle in and know that what you are about to behold will be nothing short of a masterpiece in cinema suckage. MSVGO doesn't dissapoint! in the suckage department anyhow. Now since the title might be a little cryptic let me take a moment to explain that this movie continues the tried and true scifi/horror formula of pitting two traditionally bloodthirsty creatures against one another in deadly combat. In this case fin on tentacle combat. Sounds fun right?
The action kicks off in arctic waters with a miniature submarine appearing "out of the blue" piloted by (who else?) Deborah "Debbie" Gibson, looking pretty hot for her age and taking in the majesty of the aquatic life surrounding her; apparently from the cheap stock footage inserted here the arctic contains about every species of marine animal known to man, and a couple that have been....forgotten. DUH! DUH! DUH! Debbie notices a herd of humpback whales making a beeline past the minisub and - wouldn't you know it! - the goddamned military is at it again! bombing glaciers for some reason which will never be explained to us. Unfortunately for them (but fortunately for us, otherwise this gem wouldn't exist) their folly releases two slumbering behemoths in the form of - that's right - a giant great white shark (known to scientists as megaladon) and a huge octopus (pussus magnus) Somehow the two titans had managed to get themselves trapped in ice back in the day during an epic battle and once awakened decide to part company for a while and wreak a little havoc upon humanity while gearing up for the rematch.
An oil rig off the coast of Japan is attacked by our massively tentacled friend and our strikingly Japanese male lead - the intrepid Dr. Seiji (played by some guy named Vic Chao) - is brought in to find out what's what. Upon learning of the hideous monstrosity lurking in the Pacific Dr. Seiji decides to pay a visit to San Francisco where it seems other paranormal happenings are afoot. DUH! DUH! DUH! Could it be the work of the same monster? (of course not dickhead. i already told you there were two monsters in this movie, not one and anyway what Emma MacNeil/ Debbie Gibson found while digging inside that bloated whale carcass was tooth, not tentacle) Oh yeah i forgot to mention that part. A giant whale carcass washes up on the California coast and after some clever subterfuge involving a token black cop, Ms. MacNeil retrieves what she learns to be a fragment of a megaladon tooth from it's bloated corpse. She learns this after taking said fragment to her old professor and former U.S. Navy pilot Lamar Sanders (played by some guy named Sean Taylor who's fake Scottish accent makes Brad Pitt's fake Austrian accent from Seven Years in Tibet look Oscar-worthy) The three scientist quickly discover that there are in fact two sea beasts and that we're all in deep shit if they don't act quickly because apparently the U.S. military possesses the technology to vaporize islands, but as for giant marine animals? not so much. Oh I almost forgot to mention that Lorenzo Lamas plays the stereotypical uber government jackass who bitches and cojoles Debbie and co. into saving the world. You would've thought he could've gotten the lead opposite Miss Gibson. I guess he wasn't Japanese enough.
So it's up to our trio of scientists to come up with some solution to the connundrum that is Mega Shark and Giant Octopus. As is often the case with these dilemmas the answer is delivered to our heroes after coitus. Two of our heroes make the Megabeast with two backs (the Scot gets left out) and in the musky afterglow of their love the idea for luring the creatures to strategic spots using pheromones comes to Emma/Debbie. Unfortunately we're left with no shots of the deed itself which would have greatly enhanced this pictures Hamlin rating. Nary a tit nor an asscheek to be seen. We don't even get Van Damned by the Japanese guy. For some reason San Fransisco Bay is chosen as the Giant Sharks trap which doesn't turn out too well for the Golden Gate bridge. Some strategy huh? As for the Octopus and the Japanese, the film mercifully leaves them to focus on Debbie and the Shark.
To make a long story short it eventually occurs to Emma to lure the creatures back into the conflict they were frozen in at the beginning of the movie. The ensuing fight and special effects would've made Ed Wood shoot his wad. Who will win? Who will lose? Can you guess? Yep that's right. They both kill each other. Apparently. I've yet to discern the actual death moves that bring about this dissapointing result. So the movie gives us the dissapointing yet typical-both monsters kill each other off sparing the rest of the world-climax.
What a cop out. No winner. No naked Debbie Gibson. This movie should've ended with the Lorenzo, Debbie, the Jap, and the Giant Octopus all locked in a human/cephalopod orgy (imagine the possibilities) of victory with the Scot watching, an ending which not only would've jacked this movie's Hamlin rating through the roof but would also have made it the greatest movie of all time. For these crimes a Hamlin shall be deducted.
But hark! In what could be the greatest irony of all time the film literally and figuratively "jumps the shark" in a spectacularly conceived and disastrously executed sequence where the Shark launches itself from the ocean to devour a passing 747. (The visual effects are Playstation 2 at best) So for this feat I shall award an extra Hamlin and a half.
Hamlin Grade: 8.5
Everything you ever loved will be sodomized by Michael Bay,