Somewhere, perhaps at this very moment, a Welshman is slipping a copy of Vision Quest into a DVD player, kicking up the feet, nosing a room temperature Penderyn, and unrolling a steaming pile of unclipped cock.

It is a little known fact that Matthew Modine is a nationally celebrated icon in Wales, much in the same way that David Hasselhoff is revered in Germany and Patrick Swayze is worshipped here in the States. Since his starring role in the 1985 classic Vision Quest, Modine's character, Louden Swain has become a more important figure in Wales than Jesus himself... that's to say, the way Catholics worship Jesus... the Welsh pleasure themselves with violent enthusiasm to the likeness of Modine. True story.

Vision Quest is the story of senior wrestler Louden Swain (played by the aforementioned Matthew Modine) who decides to challenge himself and also achieve glory by dropping a few weight classes in order to wrestle Shute of Hoover High... apparently a juggernaut wrapped in tights.

Much to Louden's dismay, everyone is against and unsupportive of the goals he has set for himself... hence the term 'challenge', dick face. At every turn, Louden discovers obstacles in the form of a disapproving coach, angry teammates, an unsupportive father, skeptical teachers, disinterested co-workers, and even a very distracting pair of supple breasts supplied by Linda Fiorentino. Does this stop Louden? Fuck No!!!

Frustrated by the opposition, Louden, during a practice attempts to climb a peg-board type apparatus (available only in gay wrestling training centers), which the user must scale using only small handheld posts (seriously, if you don't understand what I mean, watch the fucking movie) which are inserted into the peg holes. While ascending this ridiculous device, the coach and every teammates attitude is instantly changed and they all begin to cheer for our young hero as he finally reaches the summit. By this point in the film a good Welshman would have achieved orgasm at least 4-6 times (while this movie is just north of an hour and a half long, in Wales it takes over 2 days to watch).

The added twist of Vision Quest, is Carla. An angry young woman who while making her way across the country to become an artist in San Francisco (which is presumably her church - see Shatner on this) but her car breaks down in Louden's town... and his father attempts to fix her car. Louden suggests to his dad that she should stay with them, because she has no place to go and because he'd like to fuck her. His dad readily agrees. Like all women, Carla systematically begins to destroy Louden's motivation with the power of her evil vagina.

Fortunately Louden overcomes (literally), the evil of Carla and gets his focus back which is to be in a scissors lock with the well muscled Shute. After several months of training, running, starving and bleeding profusely from the nose (seriously, Matthew Modine bled more from his nasal passages than Lorraine Gary cried in Jaws: The Revenge... nah I'm just kidding... he would have died if he bled that much), Louden just makes the necessary weight by standing buck-ass nekkid on the scale... in front of all his buddies by the way, who immediately embrace him upon his success even though his cock is clearly bouncing freely off of their thighs. If you were to rent this movie from a Welsh Video Store this scene would probably be blurred out entirely due to the number of times the tape had been paused, rewound and replayed.

The big finale. Louden and Shute on the mat. The culmination of all his hard work coming down to this one final moment. Is there really any question what happens next?

Louden wins.

What I don't understand, is what the parents were thinking when they named their children. Louden? Shute? Were they expecting their children to be retarded? What's worse is Louden is surrounded by a host of assholes with names just as bad, if not worse than his. Kuch, Elmo, Otto, Schmoozler, and Balldozer (played by Forest Whitaker by the way... what in the hell did he have to do to earn that monicker?).

Vision Quest probably would have been a cooler and much more effective movie had it just focused on the wrestling and training sequences... which is to say remove all the scenes with the really hot chick and just focus on the gay shit. Then this movie would probably become a Welsh National Sport.

Hamlin Grade: 4


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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