Transmorphers. Holy shit where do I start with this one?

Ok, well, according to the deep voice guy we discovered alien life on a planet in the year 2009 (hey that's this year! NICE!). Being the friendly citizens of the universe that we are, we sent a 'Hey how are you?' message to them, and 10 years later they came to Earth and fucked us up. I believe the deep voice guy said 95% of life was destroyed, so we had to retreat underground.

This begins the Matrix Part 2 (Reloaded, or Revolution, or Revolutions... not that it matters they both sucked buffalo penis) portion of Transmorphers... we get a lovely matte painting (that is re-used over and over again) of the underground city Earthlings live in... and have been living in for over 400 years. We haven't fared well against our alien vistors... who are giant robots that can... ahem... transmorph into big guns, tanks, planes.... yeah, the Transformers portion of Transmorphers. The aliens black out the sky (what's that from?) so it's always night on the surface and of course always raining.

After yet another failed mission (this war has progressed for 400 years, so failure is somewhat of an option), one of the Commanders (some rent-a-porn star chick... seriously I'm not doing any research on this one... not that you really give a shit what this actress's name is anyway) petitions for the release of Warren Mitchell. This request is met with a chorus of negativity... Warren Mitchell is a bad man you see.... but he's so bad, that he can stop the machines. After much debate, Mitchell is granted release from his... ready for this?... Cryo-Prison. Introducing the Demolition Man portion of Transmorphers.

Mitchell now free, begins recruiting soldiers for his platoon that will ultimately save the day (if only they were in my living room to rescue me from watching the rest of this crap). The plan is to reprogram the fuel cell in a captured Alien soldier (Transmorpher... they really didn't even try with that name did they?)
with a virus of sorts that will be uploaded to the main frame and trickle down to the rest of the army commanding them to shut down.... ala Independence Day. Sadly their plan goes South when the alien robot dies during the reprogramming. Shit now what will we do?

No worries, cuz as it turns out Mitchell is actually an android... but he didnt' realize until the doctor who created him tells him (Blade Runner?), even though he says he's always known.... oh whatever. Mitchell ends up being the carrier of the newly reprogrammed fuel cell that will take out alien robot machine transformers... sorry transmorphers.

Insert giant ridiculous battle. This actually could have been a lot worse. Given the budget constraints this film was obviously under (the only real actor they got was Mitchell... he was an extra in Pirates of the Carribean... but to be fair the guy wins the Ironside Award... however saying that doesn't mean much, because every actor in this film is awful) I have to give them some credit. The special effects and cgi approach video game levels... but never quite reach, however this only adds to the beauty of this bad movie.

Mitchell makes it to the main frame and knowingly sacrifices himself to deliver the fuel cell and wouldn't you know, just like in the last shitty Matrix movie, Mitchell saves the day, dies, brings down the alien robots... and the clouds lift to reveal a blue sky.

My only real advice when viewing this movie on your next Bad Movie Night would be to make sure you have ample alcohol to consume during it, and have at least 4 or 5 replacement films. I defy you to sit through it in it's entirety. In fact my real advice would be to watch the Matrix Trilogy, Blade Runner, Independence Day, Transformers and every other movie that essentially rented out their plots for Transmorphers (except for the Matrix Trilogy... the last two anyway).

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat