Lost Boys: The Tribe is the long awaited sequel (I don't know if anyone was really 'awaiting' especially for any great length of time for a follow up to the original) to the 1987 cult classic The Lost Boys. That may also be a stretch... I'm not certain if the original is considered a cult classic but I must admit that I held this movie in high regard during my youth. The Lost Boys was gospel to me, so much so that I actually spent a year dressing like Kiefer Sutherland. Black trenchcoat, bleached hair, boots, and an insatiable craving for cock.

When the credits rolled on The Lost Boys it also did likewise for the careers of many of the actors and actresses that starred in the film. Aside from Sutherland who continues to climb Hollywood's penis, the rest of the cast's movie careers spiraled towards irrelevancy. This similiarities between the cast of Star Wars and The Lost Boys are eerily similar. Harrison Ford goes on to superstardom, and Mark Hamil and Carrie Fisherl are reduced to selling corn dogs at the local flea market.

Let's take a look:

Jamie Gertz who played Star, the main love interest to Michael (Jason Patric) went on to jerk Andrew McCarthy off in Less than Zero, then bounced around in a bunch of forgettable features before reappearing with massive jug implants in the critically acclaimed disaster flick Twister.

Alex Winter starred as Marko, one of David's (Kiefer Sutherland) vampire gang, landed the choice gig shortly after starring opposite Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure... as Bill. He reprised his role as the lovable Bill several years later in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey and was never heard from again.

Corey Feldman and Corey Haim who played Edgar Frog and Sam respectively, decided that their chemistry on and off the screen was too great not to cash in on.... so the pair spit out movie after movie that featured them taking turns on and/or simultaneously banging the hot chick from Charles in Charge... not Scott Baio, the other hot chick Nicole Eggert.

Jason Patric starred as Michael, then later went on to play the highly acclaimed role of Officer Alex Shaw in Speed 2: Cruise Control. He has since left the acting business and now manages a P.C. Richard's on Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn, N.Y.

Admittedly, the real draw of Lost Boys: The Tribe was to see the Corey's together again after nearly two decades of separation. Since the original feature, the pair retreated from the public eye (not so much by choice) to pursue other passions... in the case of Corey Haim that was to sample every known narcotic on the planet and get really fat.... and for Feldman he (and his mouth) found peace between the alabaster thighs of a new deceased rock star / sex offender.

Lost Boys: The Tribe for the most part is the same film as the original Lost Boys. Rather than being a 90 minute music video about motorcycle riders... the sequel is a 90 minute music video about surfers. Yep, we've shifted focus somewhat... but not a whole lot.

The movie opens with Chris and his sister Nicole moving out to Luna Beach, to live with their Aunt. The siblings have recently lost their parents to a car accident and are met with truck loads of passion as their Aunt forces them to pay rent to live in a spare broken down apartment. Chris a former pro-surfer (it's hinted at that he lost is pro status and was kicked off the surfing circuit because of his parents death, and his temper... sounds like he was a bit of a cock) begins to look for work as a board shaper... and wouldn't you know the only one who does shaping in the area, and that would be looking for shapers would be Frog Surfboards.... perhaps some relation to Edgar Frog? OH YEAH!

Following an unsuccessful attempt at contacting the Frog's (Chris is forced to leave his address for them on a piece of note paper), Chris and Nicole bump into Shane Powers (played by Angus Sutherland...yes, he is related to, and is in fact the step-brother of Keifer Sutherland... a man way to famous and intelligent to appear in this shit)... another surfer, whose pro status has been revoked (either cuz he was a big cock too, or cuz most surf competitions are held during the day, and because he's a vampire... you get the idea... big cock). Shane invites the brother and sister to his house for a beach party while clearly giving off the 'I'm gonna bang your sister and turn her into a vampire" vibe.

Chris and Nicole arrive at the sprawling vampire campus which is in full party mode. Shane and his vampire gang (which spend most of the moving playing practical jokes on another, which, for the most part involves gutting each other with knives and swords) welcome the brother and sister... well not so much Chris who apparently has some history with one of Shane's surfing buddies. In order to seduce, bang, and turn Nicole into a vampire, Shane runs interference on Chris by showering him with vagina and tits. Once alone, Shane plays the standard, 'I'm too cool for the room', vampire guy that essentially knocks every prepubescent teenage girl right out of their panties. He of course has a flask that he offers her and the stupid bitch drinks it with little to no objection. BAMM Vampire. Starting to sound familiar?

Nicole complains the entire way home of feeling sick, but Chris assures her she's just drunk... which much to his dismay is not true as she vamps out in their living room and begins to strangle him before being thwarted by a surfboard delicately placed across the back of her skull. Enter Edgar Frog.

Now my first question was, where's Alan Frog? Which I'm sure has you asking who the fuck is Alan Frog? He was of course the other dick who played Corey Feldman's brother. Long story short... all his scenes were deleted... one of the many mysteries of this gem. For the remainder of the film, Edgar (Feldman) drops several hints and comments about losing loved ones and empathizing with Chris' plight... that she is now a vampire... or will be once she sucks a cock... I mean blood. So as I said earlier... pretty much the same movie as the original yes? Chris teams up with Edgar Frog - Surfboard Shaper / Vampire Hunter / Former Comic Book Store Manager (that is one hell of resume douchebag) to save Nicole for an eternity of undead living, while continuously repeating lines he made famous from the original movie that do little more than provide douche chills and feelings of deep shame.

So what's the plan? Chris will infiltrate the vampire gang, befriend Shane, drink the blood within the flask, turn into a vampire, find out where they live, kill all the vampires, cut Shane's head off and save his sister Nicole and himself. This plan is carefully layed out and of course executed in a timely manner by Chris. So that's it. Or is it.

Big time what the fuck here. Where is Corey Haim? He practically has top billing on this piece of shit and he's nowhere to be found. That however is not entirely accurate.

Haim does appear in a very brief ( I am talking brief like intercourse with me... seconds at most) cameo midway through the credits. He reprises his role as Sam Emmerson... but instead of the cute adorable, comic book toting, Tean Beat star we saw 20 years ago, he is now a fully armed and operational vampire. He and Edgar Frog and a heated exchange before charging one another and the screen goes black. That was it!

What's really fascinating about this movie... I'm kidding there really isn't anything fascinating about the movie... what's interesting is all the shit behind the scenes. According to rumors (I did some searching and consulted a buddy who actually watched the Corey's reality show... I know the guys a jackass and definitely gay) Haim fell off the wagon hard and started back down the road to Heroinville... and whatever other drugs he enjoyed... which affected his performance (not sure how) and eventually he was either removed from the production, or removed himself. The Alan Frog deleted scenes is bizarre. I found a few interviews with the guy but he refused to offer much I guess because he's holding out hope that he'll be cast in Lost Boys 3... and perhaps didn't want to burn any bridges?

To be honest the only interesting parts of Lost Boys: The Tribe were the Corey vs. Corey scene post credits. As short as it was, in that quick 30 seconds it offered a way more compelling story than the previous 90 minutes did, and the potential of what could come... limitless (well limited to the extremely limited acting abilities of our friends).

Lost Boys: The Tribe while essentially a duplicate of it's predecessor does offer the viewer some new treats. The violence and gore factor is kicked up 10 notches, and there was a fine selection of scantily and sometimes unclad women throughout... if yer into that sort of thing. For the most part though this movie will have you scratching your head and saying huh?

Hamlin Grade: 2


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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