Ahhhh Dolph Lundgren. Is there anything you can't do old friend?

Oh yeah! Act!

In all fairness, Lundgren once again outshines his cast in the 2007 classic Diamond Dogs. Our Norwegian Kickboxing Champion stars as Xander Ronson, former Green Beret Commander (who lost every single one of his men during a mission... hmmmm) who has retreated to Mongolia where he scrapes out a living as a security specialist by day (even though he hasn't been hired in months) and an underground pit fighter during the evenings, while simultaneously drinking and whoring (not meaning he is selling his penis to the highest bidder but rather he generously distributes his aforementioned genitals to the female Mongolian community).

Now, rarely do I ever do this, but I actually found the trailer for this piece of... work. Please enjoy:

Now if the trailer Diamond Dogs doesn't entice, perhaps my brief summary of it will... who the fuck am I kidding right? Outside of myself, the director and the editor (although the jury is out on that prick) I don't think anyone has seen this film.

Ronson, as I said earlier is trying to make ends meet and pay off his sizable debts by gambling and fighting. Diamond Dogs starts off with a half-way decent Bloodsport rip-off in the beginning, pitting Dolph against some local giant... which of course is peppered with scores of lines and moments pillaged from other successful features (see Enter the Dragon, Bloodsport.... actually any Van Damme will do... you really have to be hitting rock bottom to be stealing ideas from JCVD no?). Ronson also picks up a few bucks in the Mongolian underground wrestling circuit... the man is versatile what can you say?

Following a run in with the local law enforcement, Ronson is given two weeks to pay off his debts (which exceend $20,000 in American dollars) or face imprisonment. Lucky for him, his services as a security guard / guide are required by a rich, treasure-seeking, adventurer. Chambers, the rich Indiana Jones wannabe (who does his best version of a gay, pony tail wearing Ben Kingsley), along with his step daughter Anika, and their entourage, seek an ancient Buddhist tapestry, which is for arguments sake worth untold fortunes (for the record... if a fortune is untold... how would anyone know about it... or perhaps, being that it is a fortune that is untold... it could be worth $5... a fortune to perhaps a Mongolian citizen working in the local Nike factory?).

Ronson, Chambers, Anika, and crew brave the rough Mongolian terrain (which is probably filmed on location in Staten Island) as well as ample obstacles that include highway bandits and booby traps that line the tomb which holds their coveted prize. Upon reaching their goal, the groups translator decipher's an inscription on the tapestry's case that tells of a curse that will 'bring death' to anyone who removes the sacred item. Generally, I think the rule is that if there's a curse involved... death is usually a major ingredient within it's recipe. There's never a curse that just gives you a rash, or messes with your cell phone reception... nope, just death. Of course Chamber's greed keeps him from heeding the warning, and he starts them on a path for the remainder of the film that will seal their fate.

Seriously, they all die.

A group of Russian's who also want the tapestry / riches / glory and the two groups trade gunfire and bad words until there is literally no one left but Dolph. Fortunately for our giant French friend, the final battle occurs outside a Buddhist temple... which allows him to return the tapestry to it's rightful owners, thus making himself curse-free. Dolph walks off into the sunlight.

All in all this movie sucked ten kinds of cock. Aside from a few random fight scenes, gun battles, and explosions... Diamond Dogs is nothing more than a retelling and mash up of about 20 other movies that were done previously and way fucking better. Had it not been for my ever loving man-crush on Dolph Lundgren, there is little chance I would have viewed this... but shit... I'm totally gay for the man. So what can I do?

Hamlin Grade: 2


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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