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« June 2009 |
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| August 2009 »
Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident is an indescribable disaster. Which on this site, is a blessing, but sometimes films just go too far, or not far enough, and pass by the quaint little village of Entertaining, and travel on down the road to the urban renewal failure called Rape of the Orbital Sockets.
Now before I begin, let's break this pile of ass candy down. Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident which seems to be the middle feature of a trilogy... yes it is apparently a piece of shit, literally book-ended by two other pieces of shit... or maybe I'm wrong, and I saw the weakest link in the chain? Probably not. I digress. Now, I'm assuming the catchy title refers to the year in which our plucky band of Recon soldiers has their 'incident'... in this case the aforementioned Mezzo. So the year is 2022. We are living in the year 2009. According to this film, in the next 13 years, we are going to make some spectacular advances in science, military hardware, and inter-planetary travel. I will cut the film makers some slack since they made this feature in 2007... those extra two years make everything seem way more plausible. Of course, Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident opens with the standard sci-fi Star Wars scrolling text sets us up for what will assuredly be an extraordinarily painful 90 minutes. The opening line is 2 decades after the Earth was destroyed (that's 20 years)... huh? Ok... so now we are to believe that this spectacular technology utilized throughout the film was actually created in the 80's? Or did we piece it together as we were floating through space following the Earth's destruction? Granted we humans do adapt well, and sometimes quickly... so maybe I'm the asshole here.
All that aside, Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident is fantastice piece of horse shit. The actors suck, which for a time is entertaining, but the characters are all parodies of previously, and much better crafted films. All of the women, and I mean all try to do horrible Vasquez from Aliens impressions. The men... well, there's the bad ass LT... who has flashbacks (I assume from the first film, which I have absolutely no intention of viewing), there's a science officer who's accent is so bad, you can barely understand him... not that you'd want to... the horny new recruit who goes about sexually harassing all of the Vazquez's... and a few other dudes who are peppered throughout the squad just to help pad the body count.
Quick rundown of the story (cuz there really isn't one)... Troops hang out at a bar, talk shit, flirt, a few pair off and bang (several gratuitous boob scenes- which was a lovely touch) and then we set off on our mission to Mezzo.... or a ski resort in Canada... your call. We watch as our heroes march endlessly through the snow, occassionally firing their weapons at strange snow creatures and a few of the enemy, till they finally reach their objective (which was definitely not making a good movie). The enemies' (I keep saying enemies' because there were several different kinds of aliens, and cyborgs, so it was difficult to keep up) fortress was clearly the basement of a water treatment plant that allowed the filmmakers to rent out for the day... but it worked... nothing screams evil like raw sewage being processed into potable water. The firefights between the Recon team and cyborgs are fantastic. I'm fucking with you they are terrible. Most of these skirmishes occur in narrow hallways with the combatants several feet apart... yet they fire round after round and never hit a thing. Finally the Recon team plants it's explosive charges, defeat the big boss, and run out of long tunnel before the giant explosion (you know the slo-mo run where everyone jumps at the last second... yeah that one). Unfortunately only 3 of our team survives the Mezzo Incident. I say unfortunately, because 3 of them survived and there will be a sequel. How do I know? The movie stops mid frame and the title for the third feature appears on the screen encouraging you to go back for more!
The special effects are video game quality at best (which isn't really bad for a sci-fi epic... really), the costumes look like they went to a Starship Troopers garage sale, and the makeup effects can probably be purchased at your local 99ยข store. All of that lends to a steaming pile of corn-filled... you got it.
I'm actually amazed that someone agreed to fund three of these movies. But if it wasn't for individuals like that... we wouldn't have Bad Movie Knights... which frankly would be a blessing. Perhaps one day I will be able to push my keyboard aside and enjoy every film I view.... perhaps in the year 2022?
Hamlin Grade: 2
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
The Day the Earth Stood Still. Doesn't this occur anytime a Keanu Reeves movie is released?
As much as want to bash Keanu (which is incredibly easy sometimes), I really can't. He was actually pretty decent in this film. Reeves stars as Klaatu, the alien ambassador who arrives on Earth to tell us that unless we change our ways, we will be annihilated. Klaatu, is cold, emotionless, and completely wooden... just like Keanu. I guess I did just bash him.
Jennifer Connelly plays Dr. Helen Benson... a scientist assigned to study Klaatu that eventually helps him escape when she realizes that government planned on hiding him in away in secrecy and interrogating him. Allow me to go off on a tangent here... this is probably one of the most annoying things about the movies... Scientists that are hot enough to be models? Connelly is hands down one of the finest pieces of stuff to ever walk this planet... in The Day the Earth Stood Still
Connelly is paired with Michael Granier (played by Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame... also one of the finest pieces of stuff to ever walk this planet) and John Driscoll (played by the very handsome Kyle Chandler from King Kong). Had it not been for Kathy Bates dragging the sex appeal factor down this group of alien-autopsy investigators would have been completely ridiculous. I'm sure there are attractive scientists out there, but let's be honest... most of these brains sit in front of computer terminals and experiments 28 hours a day, probably surviving on a diet of caffeine, never seeing the sun, or engaging in any sort of physical activity. Would these circumstances truly breed a Jennifer Connelly? Most certainly not.
Ok back to the movie... Klaatu arrives on the planet, in Central Park in a giant glowing sphere, with his 5 story tall robot. His mission as I mentioned before was to tell the people of Earth to stop being dicks, or the aliens he represents would wipe them out. After consulting with an alien who had been on planet for 70 years, he determines that we aren't fit to survive and activates the spheres and his giant robot to bring about our demise.
Of course Connelly attempts to change his mind, by bringing him to see her Nobel prize winning friend played by John Cleese, who actually does a good job of explaining why Earthlings are such douchebags, but in the end Klaatu is moved by seeing Connelly hug her stepson (played by Will Smith's kid) and decides to stop the destruction... then he flies off in his giant orb. That's it. That's the whole fuckin' movie.
There were a couple of cool scenes when the giant robot turned into a mist of tiny little metal insects that began eating everything in site... which gave the appearance of things being dissolved... but ultimately if you saw the trailer for The Day the Earth Stood Still then you saw every scene where this occurred. Essentially an 18 wheeler, and Giants Stadium get destroyed. That was all we got. They could have at least taken out the Jets too... but no.
The Day the Earth Stood Still sucked. I never saw the original, and frankly if the 1951 feature was the inspiration for this piece of shit, the chances of me watching it are as good as me viewing Roadhouse and being sexually aroused throughout... oh wait...shit.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
The 2009 celluloid masterpiece, Driven to Kill, re-unites us with Bad Movie Knight favorite Steven Seagal.
Like most Seagal films (if not everyone of them), he plays a character whose family is the victim of some form of crime (kidnapping, assault, murder... pick your poison), then wades through scores of bad guys (not unlike the 80's video game Kung Fu), and finally meets up with the main villian or perpetrator of the aforementioned indiscretion against his family, and delivers a 10 minute ass kicking.
In recent years, Seagal has let himself go to such a degree, that stunt men had to perform his fight scenes, but in Driven to Kill, he managed to whip himself into shape (that's a stretch, but go with it... for the record, I'm sure he could beat me to death with his penis) and perform some of his more classic moves... hammer fists, throws, kicks and the ever popular arm break.
Seagal plays Ruslan Drachev, former Russian mobster turned author who returns home after many years to see his daughter get married. Much to his dismay, his daughter is marrying Stephan, the son of his old rival Mikhail. Stephan however, much to his father's dismay, wants nothing to do with the family business, and his intentions are pure. There is much dismay here... until Russian mobsters kill his ex-wife, and nearly kill his daughter hours before her wedding. This of course sets the stage for Ruslan to go on a classic Seagal ass kicking spree.
Teamed with Stephan, Ruslan follows leads, and beats the shit out of everyone in his path. He also goes to town on the Russian mob with an assortment of firearms and explosives, which is a lovely change of pace.
Driven to Kill ends with a typical battle of one against many, until Ruslan is pitted against Mikhail in hand to hand combat. The outcome of course is never in question. Perhaps the biggest annoyance in any Seagal movie is that no matter how bad ass the villain he is paired with, he may as well be fighting a punching bag. Seagal's fight scenes are so one sided it's like watching Tom Cruise at an all you can eat cock buffet.
Much to my disappointment Driven to Kill was not as awful as I had hoped it would be. Seagal managed to put on a good show, and as I said before did return to his roots and hand out some great beatings. Driven to Kill was also one of his more violent movies. No expense was spared on the blood pumps in this one, which is bordering on hilarious considering how many guys he filleted with a knife during the feature, he never had a drop of blood on him (very convenient when being questioned by the police moments after killing a handful of thugs). The two cops who are on the trail of the murder spree (and completely useless, both as characters and actors) are practically rooting for Ruslan throughout the movie.
If you are looking for a throw back to classic Steven Seagal, then Driven to Kill definitely delivers... however if you are really looking for classic Seagal... then you really should seek professional help.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Yeah, I know it's been a while since my last review... so I figured what better way to jump back into the deep end of shitty cinema than by browsing the extensive Dolph Lundgren collection.
Finland's number one son never fails to deliver... especially when we order up one of the worst piles of shit put on screen. Throughout this and every other movie Dolph stars in he still has that uncanny ability to keep a straight face for 90 plus minutes. I guess it's called acting. Or a paycheck?
Dolph's latest endeavor is the sci-fi epic Retrograde. The giant Norwegian plays John Foster, leader of a team of men and women who are genetically enhanced... and from the future (bad movie knight rule #1... if the budget for your film is under $10,000 avoid setting said movie in any place or time that isn't a few blocks from your present day house) on a mission to save the Earth (Earth of the future) from a deadly virus. Let me simplify the plot for you. Take 12 Monkeys... remove the story, script, direction, actors, acting, food and beverage service, and anything else that made it a great film... and you have Retrograde.
Foster and his team travel back in time to prevent a research vessel in our time from discovering a meteor in Antarctica that carries the virus that will eventually kill everyone. Of course the trip hits a snag when one of his team members, Dalton (played by Joe Montana... I know I thought this was a huge score when his name was in the credits, but instead of seeing a Hall of Fame Quarterback in a shitty movie, we are just left with a shitty actor in a shitty movie) tries to mutiny and stop Foster's mission for his own greed... not sure how much profit there is in letting everyone on Earth die... but hey, bio-terrorist / entrepreneur I am not. So the future ship / time machine crash lands in Antartica, precariously close to where the research vessel is exploring.... actually unearthing the meteor they were attempting to prevent from being found.... hmmmmmm.
Perhaps the greatest thing about Retrograde is the relationship between Schrader, (played by the brilliantly awful Joe Sagal) the rich business man who chartered the vessel, and Captain Davis ( portrayed by the equally terrible Ken Samuels), the man in charge of piloting the ship. For no apparent reason, these two characters hate one another. The dialogue and acting when the pair are on screen together is nothing short of fantastic. Sagal, is one of those actors who looks as though he's uncertain where is hands should go when he speaks, so they fall uncomfortably at his sides at all times as he rapidly spits out his lines. Davis and Schrader bark at each other throughout, and continously remind each other (and us) who chartered the ship... and who's in charge of the ship.
After the crash, Foster is brough on board by an away team of sorts, who also manage to recover some of the virus carrying meteor. Awaking from a brief coma, Foster begins to salvage his mission by taking out the research vessels infected crew and also battling with the mutineers from his space craft that manage to find their way on board.
As age has apparently caught up with the Austrian Kickboxer, Dolph's fight scene's are no longer the glorious battles we once viewed in Universal Soldier and The Punisher but now resemble the stunt man replaced fights of a fat, aging Steven Seagal... but to Dolph's credit, at least he still does his own fight scenes... or they couldn't find a 7 foot tall Dutch man to replace him.
Some of the finer points of Retrograde include the costumes of the future, where the privileged apparently get to wear the finest in motorcycle racing gear. Retrograde also made note of an unknown geological fact that Antarctica is actually not covered in ice and snow, but rather generously blanketed in fine beachfront sand. As with just about everyone of Dolph's cinematic masterpieces, he is once again in class by himself when it comes to acting... forever embracing the Ironside Agenda.
To this day, I'm amazed that I haven't appeared in one his films. There is still time... because while Dolph Lundgren is still alive... he will continue to spray high definition shit in your eyes.
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
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