REVIEW: The Rock
The Rock is a near perfect example of dancing that fine line of homosexual cinema by delivering two plus hours of non-stop man on man action, yet managing to never step beyond that boundary. Jerry Bruckheimer, the genius who has produced scores of all out cock action films like Con Air, Days of Thunder, Top Gun, and Pearl Harbor, does it again, by slapping us across the face with the Rock.
Don't get me wrong... The Rock kicks ten kinds of ass, and should have won best picture, director, actor, and hugest fucking cock at the Oscars... sincerely it probably would have had they thrown in a retard (not a full retard however, thank you Robert Downey Jr.), but it falls prey to the same failure that all good action movies do.
It makes me feel like a big fucking pussy.
Granted, some may just call me a realist, but I cannot even imagine the fantasy of standing side by side with Connery and Cage as we take up arms against the evil Ed Harris, and his minions, George Washington, the Candyman, and an L.L. Cool J. look-alike. No. In my fantasy, Connery and Cage halt their attack in order to ridicule my small genitals, and we all end up getting killed by our adversaries.
Allow me to illustrate my point. Watch the clip below:
A solid collection of bad-asses whose cock's far out-measure mine. Now had I been part of Seal Commander Anderson's team, I would have been yelling "Shut the fuck up!" "We Surrender!!" "Here's my weapon!" all while openly weeping, and evacuating my bowels and bladder. Had I been the Commander of that team, we all would have been spared... fuck, we wouldn't have even gotten in that helicopter to begin with.
The Rock is a brilliant film... at making me feel insufficient anyway, and has enough man within it to serve as a homosexuality tester much like the Swayze Guage special Roadhouse. Had it not been for the insecurity, low-self esteem, and drive to suck a cock...this movie never would have been reviewed here... however it did, so it was. Damn you for forcing me into this Jerry. Damn you all to hell sir.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Comments
Wow! you have given the line "Let's go get some rockets" a whole new meaning. The Rock solidifies Sick Boy's theory: The Name of the Rose is a blip is an other words uninterrupted downward trajectory.
Posted by: Fletch | December 1, 2008 11:16 PM
Wow. Witnessing a man emasculated by Ed Harris? Now there's something special.
Props though on missing the appearance of Scrub's own John C McGinley (Dr Cox, however the fuck you spell his real name) as Pissed Of Evil Soldier #7. Truly a fantastic piece of acting. That, coupled with his emotive tour de force in Wild Hogs is truly an inspiration to us all.
Nice YouTube insertion btw.
Posted by: Part-time Ninja | December 2, 2008 04:09 AM
Shit totally forgot that guy! Red from Platoon!
"I got a bad feeling about this one Bob..."
"We all gotta die sometime Red."
Posted by: Pat | December 2, 2008 08:05 AM
Oh and your welcome, Part Time Homo.
I know how you Brits love the tube insertion.
Posted by: Pat | December 2, 2008 08:07 AM
That is wierd how gay this movie is.
What's up with that?
Days of Thunder was sweet though.
I saw that so many times I noticed a part where Tom Cruise is called by his real fisrt name "Tom" and not by his character's name(Cole).
I'll buy a beer for who can describe the scene in Days of Thunder where he is called Tom.
Posted by: Brad | December 4, 2008 01:08 AM
Cruise's character in that movie was called Cole Trickle. Trickle. TRICKLE for fuck sake! What the hell kind of a name is that? Can you imagine if that character had a family? Can you imagine what it'd be like with Dinner With The Trickles?
No wonder they called him Tom.
Posted by: Part-time Ninja | December 5, 2008 04:27 AM
Brad I have no idea what part of the movie that takes place in... but in fairness I never really get passed the opening credits because I climax when I see Cruise's name... the fact that I begin violently masterbating when the film starts doesn't help that much.
Posted by: Pat | December 9, 2008 06:05 PM
I remember that the saddest thing of all about DoT is that Robert Duvall really does try his best in that movie, actually putting in a really good performance. A shame they tarred him with the same brush as Cruise and Kidman in a movie that was, quite frankly, a masturbation festival for retards.
Posted by: Part-time Ninja | December 10, 2008 06:58 AM
Rowdy's wife called him Tom when he came to his house with Kidman.
Maybe we can use some of the feds bailout funds to brush up on your movie knowledge.
By the way, I like Coors Light!@
Posted by: Brad | December 10, 2008 10:29 PM