REVIEW: The Rock
The Rock is a near perfect example of dancing that fine line of homosexual cinema by delivering two plus hours of non-stop man on man action, yet managing to never step beyond that boundary. Jerry Bruckheimer, the genius who has produced scores of all out cock action films like Con Air, Days of Thunder, Top Gun, and Pearl Harbor, does it again, by slapping us across the face with the Rock.
Don't get me wrong... The Rock kicks ten kinds of ass, and should have won best picture, director, actor, and hugest fucking cock at the Oscars... sincerely it probably would have had they thrown in a retard (not a full retard however, thank you Robert Downey Jr.), but it falls prey to the same failure that all good action movies do.
It makes me feel like a big fucking pussy.
Granted, some may just call me a realist, but I cannot even imagine the fantasy of standing side by side with Connery and Cage as we take up arms against the evil Ed Harris, and his minions, George Washington, the Candyman, and an L.L. Cool J. look-alike. No. In my fantasy, Connery and Cage halt their attack in order to ridicule my small genitals, and we all end up getting killed by our adversaries.
Allow me to illustrate my point. Watch the clip below:
A solid collection of bad-asses whose cock's far out-measure mine. Now had I been part of Seal Commander Anderson's team, I would have been yelling "Shut the fuck up!" "We Surrender!!" "Here's my weapon!" all while openly weeping, and evacuating my bowels and bladder. Had I been the Commander of that team, we all would have been spared... fuck, we wouldn't have even gotten in that helicopter to begin with.
The Rock is a brilliant film... at making me feel insufficient anyway, and has enough man within it to serve as a homosexuality tester much like the Swayze Guage special Roadhouse. Had it not been for the insecurity, low-self esteem, and drive to suck a cock...this movie never would have been reviewed here... however it did, so it was. Damn you for forcing me into this Jerry. Damn you all to hell sir.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,