The only bits of Xmas worth getting out of bed for...
Holy fucking mother of God Xmas movies fucking blow. Seriously has there ever been such a gargantuan shit-shower of a movie genre as the Holiday Special? Elves! Candy! Snow! A fat, bearded, pedophilic foreigner breaking into homes worldwide to leave a 'special gift' for your children! Tim Allen! Vince Vaughn! It's like a yearly rape party to which we are the eternally gimped centrepiece, our hands tied, our mouths clamped open fearfully awaiting another creamy load of Yuletide movie 'magic' to hit the back of our throats. Fuck that shit.
I'm tired of the bullshit, the tinsel, the mistletoe, my chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Screw Nat King Cole. Forget that cheesy crap. I'm 24 years old and I'm tired of being conned; it's about time this tidal wave of toss came to an end. I'm tired of all the movies near Xmas being filled with either Santa surrounded by kids gushing hugs, or serial killers dressed as Santa surrounded by victims gushing blood. When it comes to celebrating Xmas in the TwistedEdge household, the choice of movie is a little less... nauseating. Less bullshit, more action.
So feast your eyes on the tasty morsels below as we describe to you the only Xmas movies that are worth watching. Anything else is for vegetarians, or Communists, or any other brand of human failure that clogs up our shops and our TV screens each December. Hopefully by educating the world as to what Xmas flicks they should be watching, the people will finally stand up and say no to the truckloads of festive wank that invades our lives on a rectum-stretchingly annual basis...
Yeah bitches, you read that right. Lethal fucking Weapon. Forget Rudolph and candy canes and all that toss - that's not what Xmas is about - we shouldn't be celebrating family and togetherness and peace on Earth during this cold, barren and icy time of year!
We should be celebrating Mel Gibson. And his awe-inspiring mullet. And his endless array of guns. And the never-ending pile of bodies that litter the floor whenever he goes shopping or for a walk. And the fact that yes, while this is infact a ridiculously violent, gloriously over-the-top death feast full of nothing but testosterone, bullets, dead whores and suicide, it somehow manages to sum up the real meaning of Xmas perfectly.
It makes sense if you think about it... Christ was born on Xmas... and he famously died for our sins, right? Well what better way of celebrating that than seeing a hundred nameless criminals die for theirs?! Granted the act of celebrating the life of Jesus via a movie starring a man who made a three hour snuff-porn movie about the guy's death might seem a bit strange, but what the hell. Christ was a Jew. Mel Gibson loves Jews. Case closed.
There was a time, way back in the misty lands of yonder, when the 'acting sensation' known as Bill Murray was actually... dare I say it... cool. Yeah I know, sounds kinda farfetched huh?
I refer, of course, to that far-gone glorious age of civilization known as 'the 80's' in which giant, heavily armed cartoon robots ruled the Earth, Gary Glitter was without an internet connection and Madonna was actually still worth wanking over. This was a bizarre and archaic time when caffeine addled crackpots like Murray could command multi-million dollar contracts and ride rivers of cocaine without shitting out their own heart the following morning. This was a time long before the movie train-wrecks like Lost In Translation, an era when movies were FUN. We're talking Ghostbusters. We're talking Caddyshack. We're talking Little Shop Of Horrors. And we're definitely talking what was perhaps the greatest of them all... Scrooged.
Sure the whole movie boils down to what is just a hackneyed re-telling of the Christmas Carol story. Sure Murray's performance is about as convincing as Iran's commitment to peace in the Middle East. Sure it's got that bitch from the Indiana Jones movie who just won't shut the fuck up (the brunette sassy one, not the blonde disposable one).
So what?! Despite such handicaps that would normally render any movie unwatchable, forcing its unfortunate viewers into tedium-induced seizures, this film somehow manages to be... really, really fun.
Because that's what we all need this time of year - something amusingly distracting to remove us from the torment of insane credit card bills, cheap beer hangovers and the night tremors that always accompany the annual office Xmas party. Deep inside us lies the need to see this washed-up 80's has-been running around a city screaming his tits off, pulling his hair out, being stalked by sadistic Xmas fairies and generally causing more chaos than a constipated Godzilla on spring break. Well, that's what I need anyhow - there's nothing better than kicking back with the crack pipe, watching your girlfriend's kids tear the whole fucking house down, all under the warm glow of Bill Murray being held at gunpoint by the legendary Bobcat Goldthwait. That's what Xmas is all about, after all. Well, sort of...
Beavis & Butthead Do Christmas.
Having come down from the animated holocaust that was the 80's, something terrible happened - cartoons became pussified. It was almost as if someone noticed the mouth-watering scale of pure awesomeness eminating from the cartoon world and, in a moment of rabid liberal insanity, pulled the plug. Kids like me had grown up on a constant diet of extreme violence and commercialism with such masterpieces as Transformers (robots blowing shit up, toys in stores now), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (turtles kicking the shit out of everybody, toys in stores now), Thundercats (cats doing genocide, toys in stores now) and He-Man (homo-eroticism, body-oil, massive swords... and loin-cloths... and... mmm... oh, toys in stores now).
However, in the 90's some killjoy bastard decided that TV programmes aimed directly at innocent, vulnerable, susceptible kids should be 'wholesome' and 'educational'. Gone were the intergalactic wars and mass destruction, in were... Chip & Dale: Rescue Rangers. And Goof Troop. And tidal wave after tidal wave of other assorted boring shit that nobody ever gave a flaming crap about. There was a reason for the youthful apathy of the 90's - this bullshit. Why care about life when all you have to guide you is the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air? Why give a shit when every shred of fun and animalistic joy is sanitized with floods of 'parental discression' and 'family values'?
It's no wonder this decade saw record numbers flocking to law school. It's no wonder Cobain shot himself. Why else could heroin have made such a comeback? Why else did Clinton have to make all those worried speeches about the 'generation in crisis'? Simple: YOU TOOK AWAY ALL THE GOOD CARTOONS AND SPOON FED US NOTHING BUT SHIT YOU MEAN, HEARTLESS BASTARDS!!! The 80's had wall-to-wall violence on Saturday mornings and not one bad thing happened during that whole decade. Ever. Not one. The 90's? Gulf War 1 and The Spice Girls. I rest my case.
One cartoon series, however, had balls enough to buck the trend. I refer, of course, to the epic Godsend that was Beavis & Butthead - and their Xmas special DVD should be the boner-inducing jewel in the crown of any collection. It's this simple: either you know who Beavis & Butthead are and bask in the throbbing warmth of their greatness, or you deserve to be dead. That's all there is to it.
Unlike other shit being spoon-fed to the world's children in the decade that brought us the Teletubbies, Beavis & Butthead gave us what we all so sorely missed - mindless, senseless violence. And heavy metal music videos. And violence. And commentary on Pantera. And violence. And boobs. And violence. Beavis getting bitten in the nuts and mauled by a Pitbull? Hell yes. Beavis mutilating himself in woodshop to cure boredom? Damn right. Beavis in a tyre rolling downhill through traffic causing a 62 car pile-up? Damn skippy. So awesome was this show they actually had to run a disclaimer before each episode after the show caused a 5 year old to burn down their house - now THAT'S what a growing child needs.
What other show would greet you with the words: “Beavis and Butt-head are not role models. They're not even human, they're cartoons. Some of the things they do could cause a person to get hurt, expelled, arrested... possibly deported. To put it another way, don't try this at home.” Remove shows like this from circulation and what are you left with? Spongebob fucking Squarepants. Need I say more?
And that's just the TV series - they really let fly for the Xmas special. I'd elaborate but doing so would only spoil the surprise. Besides, I'm almost as bored of typing this shit as you are reading it. Suffice to say, however, that Xmas without this gem would be like Xmas without Santa Claus, or a blowjob without an erection, or Vietnam movies without napalm, or Christian sports not involving lions, or lesbianism without plaid. You need this DVD in your life and in your Xmas. It's your nature. It's in your blood.
The Muppets Christmas Carol.
Having shafted the world into an emotional mire so soul-pissingly depressing that even emergent bands like Nine Inch Nails sounded cheerful, the 90's left the people calling out for a modern day action hero - a champion amongst mortals willing to rise up to The Man and kick his ass until he shat blood. The world needed violence, and fire, and genocidal retribution. Gone were the days of Stallone, Segal, Van Damme and Gary Coleman. In was Hillary Clinton bitching endlessly on national television because her husband got laid. The world needed a real action hero like Fidel Castro needs a shave.
Rambo was an oiled-up, homo-erotic nancy boy with a fixation for hairless Vietnamese boys. BA Baracus loved the kids waaay too much. Luke Skywalker was a crybaby with Daddy issues who definitely ploughed his own sister. Clint Eastwood was spending more time talking to monkeys than kicking ass. And people around this time were just beginning to notice that Chuck Norris was ginger, so he was out of the equation too. The whole planet was crying out for someone who could kick ass, take names and spread the virtues of Democracy and wanton genocide to foreign, infidelic lands. Yet the fall of Communism had stripped us of our heavy-hitters.
There was only one who would step up to the plate, take the mantle and save us from the tirade of 90's bullshit. Our saviour, our hero? Kermit the Frog. Fuck yes. The guy's only 3 feet tall but yet he kicks more ass than King Kong with a wrecking ball attached. He's the same colour as Godzilla, but a thousand times more badass. Don't believe me? See Kermit, pictured here, with a Kalashnikov and sunglasses. Now see Van Damme, pictured here. Which of those would you rather have on your side to save you from an oncoming stampede of flesh-craving zombies, eh? My money's on Kermit. Hell, he's such an American hero he shits bald eagles. I'm so confident in Kermit's ability as an ass-kicker, that I can happily make the following statement:
Had Kermit been enlisted, America would have won Vietnam. In half an hour plus commercials. He'd have burned their trees, raped their lands, enslaved their women, stolen their recipes, smoked their hash, let their dry-cleaning coupons expire and still would have had enough time to come back home and skewer Miss Piggy before the fireworks of 4th July. Shit, he'd probably have ended on a song too. Could John Wayne have ever done that shit? Don't make me laugh.
What's all this got to do with The Muppets Christmas Carol? Bugger all really, other than the obvious fact that Kermit stars in it. As with Scrooged (above) it's yet another re-hashed version of the classic Christmas Carol story, except this time with furry puppets doing the narrative, singing songs, being merry and quite possibly cupping each other's tiny woolen balls. I don't remember really - the details are unimportant. What does matter is that on Xmas day, once all the commotion over presents and Santa and the Grinch and Rudolph and all that other mind-numbingly stupid crap has subsided, you can park the kids infront of the TV, slap this in your DVD player, kick back with a litre or two of vodka, and swoon in the brilliance of the only hero society has left. Plus it has Animal on drums, and that's just fucking awesome.
Oh and did I mention the whole damn thing was filmed here in the UK? Icing on the cake, baby. Icing on the cake.
And finally folks, what would Xmas be without what is unquestionably the greatest festive movie ever made? Think about it: deep down do you really want images of children singing carols, Reindeer prancing about on rooftops, candy and kindness, snowdrops and turkey flying through your mind on the biggest day of the year? Thought so. If you're anything like me (and you must be, given that you've made it this far down the article without buggering off to watch porn) then you'd rather spend your time stretched across the sofa, eating mutilated turkey leftovers with extra Tabasco, watching a man in a vest hunting terrorists.
Sure, in this day and age we live in, seeing that DVD cover with what looks freakishly like the twin towers burning might be a bit weird, especially for Xmas. Forget that. Sure, your woman will bitch at you ceaselessly about the 'real' meaning of this plastic excuse for a holiday season. None of this matters. When the chips are down, as they so often are at Xmas, what you really need is 2 hours of violent police brutality, explosions, gunfire, more explosions and enough dead Germans to make Saving Private Ryan look like a comedy. And that scene with the SWAT team getting mowed down by gunfire infront of the skyscraper is all the yuletide joy one could ever need.
After all, nothing says 'Merry Xmas' like a burned out cop with a temper shooting people in the face! And what most people forget is this movie is actually set at Xmas, complete with snow and everything. Heck it even has Christmas In Hollis by Run DMC on the soundtrack - what more festive family fun could anyone ask for? So take a deep breath, tape the kids' mouths shut and breathe in the gentle, relaxing feeling that can only come from a true cinema classic. Go on... you've earned it!
Somehow through the sands of time and the crushing blows of endless commercialism we have managed to forget what the true spirit of Xmas is all about. It's not about petty arguments around the dinner table. It's not about dry turkey or those funny little sausages you get wrapped in bacon. It's not about mince pies, or Santa, 'Ho Ho Ho' or mistletoe. How did we end up where we are now, queuing until midnight on Xmas eve in some crowded, smelly department store trying to get the last of the gifts just so your family can feign a smile and put that shit on eBay the second you leave? How did we end up sucked into this vacuum of mindless consumerism and decay?
What we need is to go back to basics. It's my hope that in slapping together this festive movie guide, I can maybe remind people of what a good, old-fashioned, meaningless Xmas should be all about - beer, sodomy and violence.
Ho ho ho, Merry Fucking Xmas.
This brilliance brought to you by Twisted Edge. Send all complaints to Part-Time Ninja!