Mel Gibson may hate the Jews. He may have no respect for women. He may also harbor a rabid disdain for California's law enforcement. He may be the largest asshole to ever walk this planet Earth. But. This son of a bitch makes some great fucking movies.

When I first viewed Apocalypto, my first thought was here we go again, Mel Gibson in another 3.5 hour epic. I couldn't have been more incorrect.

Mr. Gibson seems to have left the comfortable surroundings provided by the Costner Club and rather than make movies that star just his face and ego, has moved on to projects with more substance, and (dare I say?) story. Also, rather than position himself as the centerpiece of these films, Mr. Gibson has moved behind the camera to direct and in many cases, successfuly piss off entire religious sects.

Apocolypto delivers a snapshot of indian life in South America when the Mayans reigned supreme. The movie focuses on a small tribe and their daily efforts to cultivate a living from the rain forest. That is until the Mayan's arrive, disrupting nearly every aspect of their lives. Many are killed, most enslaved, and the children are left behind orphaned. Very uplifting.

The story while brutal at times, is beautifully crafted, as are the sets, effects, and the acting... everything meets to bring you an amazing window into this world of the past. So why is it on Bad Movie Knights?

My social studies teachings and my pedestrian, 3rd grade brain had painted a visual of a world of happiness, honey and blow jobs that was the Mayan community. The Mayans, in my mind, were a wonderful, peace-loving people who sang songs, made love with each other and the land. Then those bastard explorers and conquerers arrived! Oh how I loathed what they did to my friends the Mayans!

Then I watched Apocolypto.

Who the fuck were these douche-bags on screen? Sitting atop their temple, covered in jewelry, cutting the hearts out of everyone... including me when I learned the horrible truth. The Mayans were not who they claimed to be. No my friends, they lied to me and every other third grader who believed in their goodness.

Ummm, maybe Mrs. Filose (who was a total babe for the record) could have mentioned "class... the Mayans were the largest collective of fucking assholes in South America... if not the world"? Be-headings, torture, killing for sport, sacrifice, buying, selling and trading of humans as slaves.... the Mayans sucked! Why didn't you tell me Mrs. Filose? Why? If only Mel Gibson had been my teacher (almost as hot as Mrs. Filose by the way).

I haven't been this devestated since those dickhead scientists declared that Pluto was no longer a planet.

Apocolypto while delivering this heart-breaking message unto me, did redeem itself. The finale of the film shows the Conquistadors making their initial landing on the Mayan beaches (very similar to D-Day at Normandy, but the Mayans didn't fortify quite as well). Nothing like a case of swine-flu and some religious conversion to help adjust a personality I always say.

Hamlin Grade: 7


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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