Sometimes words utterly fail me. Sometimes just sometimes you watch take place what is one of the worst ideas ever and you watch in horror as you witness a 2 hour attack on one of your favorite horror movies of all time. Indeed this is the only horror delivered in this complete fiasco. Halloween as directed by Rob Zombie sports some of the lamest ideas, (and I mean to the tenth power) I give credit for trying something new with a remake but I detract said credit by just how bad Zombie does it.

Rob Zombie's big touch here is that we learn Michael Myers was a serial killer in the making. He carved up animals and even killed bullies but we find out why he does so. It's because his white trash family is abusing him mentally. You see his mother is a stripper (And call me crazy but Shari Moon Zombie is hot, but then again i've always been attracted to insane women) and although she loves him she's not home enough. Michael's stepdad is an alcoholic loudmouth who constantly makes fun of Michael's creativity calling it "Faggotity" and his sister promises to take him trick or treating but instead decides to shack up with her greasy boyfriend. The only family member Michael likes is his mom and his little sister Laurie so after not getting to go trick or treating he proceeds to kill his stepdad, his older sister and her boyfriend and then takes the baby Laurie out of the house, to which one figures that had he not killed said family he would've started molesting his younger sister as soon as she got older. (Seriously Zombie's new version gives this vibe off a lot, I mean Michael only tries to escape the mental home after being asked to partake in a rape of a female patient, to which he resists and then goes to town to find his sister.) If not him, then certainly the stepdad, I mean geez nothing is above trailer trash stepdads.

However back to the movie we get Malcolm McDowell as the sympathetic Dr. Loomis who stops seeing Michael because he deems it that Michael is unreachable and so he writes a book about it. We also get Brad Dourif as the sheriff in the town who helps McDowell track the newly escaped Michael Myers down. The worst part of this movie is that Rob Zombie uses no subtleness to his monster. John Carpenter made Michael Myers memorable because we didn't know why he was so evil.

Let me ask you a question, what is scarier? A kid who kills his sister despite a normal upbringing, or a children driven to slaughter because his mom was busy stripping and his stepdad was a drunk? I mean what is more interesting? Psychos in films like this are only as good as the set up of the psychology that the director sets up. Silent Night, Deadly Night's mean spirited traumatization of a child witnessing his mother and father murdered by a guy dressed as Santa was interesting because that exploitation pulled no punches. Here though Zombie offers up a laughable pretense to obviously sway the audience. In the Halloween the best of these slasher pics, Michael Myers was given a brief beginning of a boy who was a cold hearted bastard who just liked to kill. Like a movie like the excellent Hitcher (the 80s one, the remake blows too and i'll review it soon as well.), it's always more frightening or scary when the killer is given no motivation and it becomes fascinating as we want to learn why the bad guy is doing this.

However when Zombie spoils it, there is no surprise or suspense to it. Actually his beginning sequences setting up the situation is actually the best thing about it (which frankly isn't saying much) as when Zombie gets Michael Myers killing the good people of Haddonfield such sequences are so long and drawn out you keep wondering when Zombie is going to finally get it over with and kill said character off and not in a good way, more like "alright let's go already" Also because there is no plausibility set up, we figure Michael Myers has a pyschic link to his sister Laurie as he finds her despite the fact that only the sheriff and the Strodes are the only ones who know that Laurie moved in with them. How Michael finds out is never explained, he just knows. He also knows where Laurie's friends are without any information. Sure it could be argued Michael was stalking but how can you stalk two people at the same time, watch one person who is like 5 houses away and then somehow teleport in time to watch another person going into 6 houses away from your sister, while of course keeping an eye on your sister and such. Once again it's probably because Michael is psychic because there is literally no logical explanation. (In the original, you had the benefit of seeing the stalking scenes so you saw Michael see which houses everyone was going into)

Of course then we have the escape from the mental home, Malcolm McDowell (In the great Donald Pleasance's shoes) and Brad Dourif after Michael Myers and scenes of them driving around, that McDowell and Dourif don't know where Michael Myers is headed despite the fact that McDowell should've told Dourif earlier to get ready for Michael, or that he's after his sister or what not is a great example of lethally bad scripting.

That none of the characters have depth is even worse since Zombie labors to set up Michael Myers as sympathetic with a tragic past. Malcolm McDowell's Dr. Loomis is no longer a tight lipped and obsessed madman who knows what Michael Myers is capable of is now a caring shrink who wants to help and seems to care for Michael Myers. When the main selling point of Halloween was that Michael Myers was so evil that even his shrink cited him as the most evil thing ever, such a change is horrible indeed. Plus how many times have we seen psychologists have sympathy for their patients as opposed to citing them as "just plain evil" McDowell tries his best and McDowell is a great actor. Problem is that his character is written as boring and wimpy leaving no room for McDowell to do anything with such. Brad Dourif is another great actor but is so underwritten and played as such a sympathetic and scared wimp we lose any sense of how relentless such two people should be to bring in a mad dog killer. As Laurie we have Scout Taylor-Compton who is hot and is nowhere near the normalness represented by Jamie Lee Curtis (Who for the record was hot back in the day as well.) Compton isn't bad in the role, I mean she even handles some of the lines okay, problem is, is that the 18 year old actress comes off as too hot for the part. I mean when she says she doesn't have a boyfriend, one is unconvinced since , I mean look at her, if this Laurie Strode went to my high school, she would've been the prom queen, and I would've been the awkward kickboxing tough guy making obnoxious advances and being told we should be just friends, but enough about my pitiful high school days, for a girl like Laurie to indeed be an everyday girl, one must note a lack of high maintence and such down to earthiness that is lacking. Compton tries but she looks too much like a model at times.

Last but not least is that Zombie pretty much removes anything from the original that worked so great. The music score is lacking, the basic plausibility is not there, Michael Myers is now a troubled pyscho and Laurie is a high maintence beauty queen and worst of all Dr. Loomis is sympathetic to Michael Myers and his killing disease. In other words why this movie is such a failure is that Zombie indentifies with the killer so much that he labors to make him sympathetic but then tries to have his cake and eat it too by having us afraid of him as well. It doesn't work and really it's one of the most misguided remakes i've seen in a long time.

Is it worth seeing? Not really. Especially if you've seen the original. I mean this movie isn't demented, scary or all that entertaining. It's all pretty lame and Zombie has an obsession with Jerry Springer like antics and frankly such doesn't mix with Halloween. The movie though is completely redundant and dull. So unless you go in wanting to see Shari Moon Zombie do a striptease or stare at Scout Tyler-Compton for two hours there you go.

I personally recommend revisiting Halloween 1, where this thing is done extremely well. Where Michael Myers was scary, Dr. Loomis was just as entertaining and suspense was actually there. Plus Jamie Lee Curtis while out of my (and yours) league still had the acting chops to convince you that she was a regular teenager and not a high maintence beauty queen. Plus at the time Jamie Lee Curtis was hot and seemed down to earth enough to settle for a guy 4 or 5 camps beneath her league. Now that's the kind of woman I like.

Hamlin Grade: 3

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer