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Sometimes words utterly fail me. Sometimes just sometimes you watch take place what is one of the worst ideas ever and you watch in horror as you witness a 2 hour attack on one of your favorite horror movies of all time. Indeed this is the only horror delivered in this complete fiasco. Halloween as directed by Rob Zombie sports some of the lamest ideas, (and I mean to the tenth power) I give credit for trying something new with a remake but I detract said credit by just how bad Zombie does it.
Rob Zombie's big touch here is that we learn Michael Myers was a serial killer in the making. He carved up animals and even killed bullies but we find out why he does so. It's because his white trash family is abusing him mentally. You see his mother is a stripper (And call me crazy but Shari Moon Zombie is hot, but then again i've always been attracted to insane women) and although she loves him she's not home enough. Michael's stepdad is an alcoholic loudmouth who constantly makes fun of Michael's creativity calling it "Faggotity" and his sister promises to take him trick or treating but instead decides to shack up with her greasy boyfriend. The only family member Michael likes is his mom and his little sister Laurie so after not getting to go trick or treating he proceeds to kill his stepdad, his older sister and her boyfriend and then takes the baby Laurie out of the house, to which one figures that had he not killed said family he would've started molesting his younger sister as soon as she got older. (Seriously Zombie's new version gives this vibe off a lot, I mean Michael only tries to escape the mental home after being asked to partake in a rape of a female patient, to which he resists and then goes to town to find his sister.) If not him, then certainly the stepdad, I mean geez nothing is above trailer trash stepdads.
However back to the movie we get Malcolm McDowell as the sympathetic Dr. Loomis who stops seeing Michael because he deems it that Michael is unreachable and so he writes a book about it. We also get Brad Dourif as the sheriff in the town who helps McDowell track the newly escaped Michael Myers down. The worst part of this movie is that Rob Zombie uses no subtleness to his monster. John Carpenter made Michael Myers memorable because we didn't know why he was so evil.
Let me ask you a question, what is scarier? A kid who kills his sister despite a normal upbringing, or a children driven to slaughter because his mom was busy stripping and his stepdad was a drunk? I mean what is more interesting? Psychos in films like this are only as good as the set up of the psychology that the director sets up. Silent Night, Deadly Night's mean spirited traumatization of a child witnessing his mother and father murdered by a guy dressed as Santa was interesting because that exploitation pulled no punches. Here though Zombie offers up a laughable pretense to obviously sway the audience. In the Halloween the best of these slasher pics, Michael Myers was given a brief beginning of a boy who was a cold hearted bastard who just liked to kill. Like a movie like the excellent Hitcher (the 80s one, the remake blows too and i'll review it soon as well.), it's always more frightening or scary when the killer is given no motivation and it becomes fascinating as we want to learn why the bad guy is doing this.
However when Zombie spoils it, there is no surprise or suspense to it. Actually his beginning sequences setting up the situation is actually the best thing about it (which frankly isn't saying much) as when Zombie gets Michael Myers killing the good people of Haddonfield such sequences are so long and drawn out you keep wondering when Zombie is going to finally get it over with and kill said character off and not in a good way, more like "alright let's go already" Also because there is no plausibility set up, we figure Michael Myers has a pyschic link to his sister Laurie as he finds her despite the fact that only the sheriff and the Strodes are the only ones who know that Laurie moved in with them. How Michael finds out is never explained, he just knows. He also knows where Laurie's friends are without any information. Sure it could be argued Michael was stalking but how can you stalk two people at the same time, watch one person who is like 5 houses away and then somehow teleport in time to watch another person going into 6 houses away from your sister, while of course keeping an eye on your sister and such. Once again it's probably because Michael is psychic because there is literally no logical explanation. (In the original, you had the benefit of seeing the stalking scenes so you saw Michael see which houses everyone was going into)
Of course then we have the escape from the mental home, Malcolm McDowell (In the great Donald Pleasance's shoes) and Brad Dourif after Michael Myers and scenes of them driving around, that McDowell and Dourif don't know where Michael Myers is headed despite the fact that McDowell should've told Dourif earlier to get ready for Michael, or that he's after his sister or what not is a great example of lethally bad scripting.
That none of the characters have depth is even worse since Zombie labors to set up Michael Myers as sympathetic with a tragic past. Malcolm McDowell's Dr. Loomis is no longer a tight lipped and obsessed madman who knows what Michael Myers is capable of is now a caring shrink who wants to help and seems to care for Michael Myers. When the main selling point of Halloween was that Michael Myers was so evil that even his shrink cited him as the most evil thing ever, such a change is horrible indeed. Plus how many times have we seen psychologists have sympathy for their patients as opposed to citing them as "just plain evil" McDowell tries his best and McDowell is a great actor. Problem is that his character is written as boring and wimpy leaving no room for McDowell to do anything with such. Brad Dourif is another great actor but is so underwritten and played as such a sympathetic and scared wimp we lose any sense of how relentless such two people should be to bring in a mad dog killer. As Laurie we have Scout Taylor-Compton who is hot and is nowhere near the normalness represented by Jamie Lee Curtis (Who for the record was hot back in the day as well.) Compton isn't bad in the role, I mean she even handles some of the lines okay, problem is, is that the 18 year old actress comes off as too hot for the part. I mean when she says she doesn't have a boyfriend, one is unconvinced since , I mean look at her, if this Laurie Strode went to my high school, she would've been the prom queen, and I would've been the awkward kickboxing tough guy making obnoxious advances and being told we should be just friends, but enough about my pitiful high school days, for a girl like Laurie to indeed be an everyday girl, one must note a lack of high maintence and such down to earthiness that is lacking. Compton tries but she looks too much like a model at times.
Last but not least is that Zombie pretty much removes anything from the original that worked so great. The music score is lacking, the basic plausibility is not there, Michael Myers is now a troubled pyscho and Laurie is a high maintence beauty queen and worst of all Dr. Loomis is sympathetic to Michael Myers and his killing disease. In other words why this movie is such a failure is that Zombie indentifies with the killer so much that he labors to make him sympathetic but then tries to have his cake and eat it too by having us afraid of him as well. It doesn't work and really it's one of the most misguided remakes i've seen in a long time.
Is it worth seeing? Not really. Especially if you've seen the original. I mean this movie isn't demented, scary or all that entertaining. It's all pretty lame and Zombie has an obsession with Jerry Springer like antics and frankly such doesn't mix with Halloween. The movie though is completely redundant and dull. So unless you go in wanting to see Shari Moon Zombie do a striptease or stare at Scout Tyler-Compton for two hours there you go.
I personally recommend revisiting Halloween 1, where this thing is done extremely well. Where Michael Myers was scary, Dr. Loomis was just as entertaining and suspense was actually there. Plus Jamie Lee Curtis while out of my (and yours) league still had the acting chops to convince you that she was a regular teenager and not a high maintence beauty queen. Plus at the time Jamie Lee Curtis was hot and seemed down to earth enough to settle for a guy 4 or 5 camps beneath her league. Now that's the kind of woman I like.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
Frankly i'm surprised this isn't as highly regarded as Executive Target, in that the movie is about the same (though at least there is more to laugh at here.) and it features Gary Busey as the hero (named Plato!), Steven Bauer (Remember Scarface?) as Busey's sidekick and Jeff Speakman (Come on you know you loved The Perfect Weapon!) as the karate expert who saves Busey and Bauer when the going gets rough. Indeed given the look of who they cast one is almost sure they wanted Dolph Lundgren in Busey's role and Lorenzo Lamas in Bauer's role, this would've of course been a legendary bad movie. However we instead of the team up of the century we got Busey, Bauer and Speakman joining forces to bring down a cuban druglord played by Roy Scheider. (You just have to love the guy, especially when Scheider looks about as cuban as Gary Busey.) I want to first get off my chest that Roy Scheider gets the Ironside agenda because his character is so cheesy and hilarious, and it's because Scheider puts in so much hamminess that it becomes the best thing about the picture.
As for this movie, oh boy, where do I start? Gary Busey looks noticably overweight in this movie. I mean the man wears Hawaiian shirts and all kinds of baggy stuff to hide the fact that time has caught up with the man. There is still no doubt my mind that Busey in real life could kick lots of people's asses as he even stood his ground against Seagal, to which Seagal backed down, and of course the fact that Busey has biker connections which would indicate he's a tough mother but let's face it, as a hero with a hot teenage daughter no less (What did he become a father at 50?) he is out of his element. I would've figured they would've cast Speakman in such a role but that was until I saw the guy as well. Dear god, I know you're the perfect weapon and Expert, but it's obvious the only perfect weapon you've become the expert on is that of an all you can eat buffet. I mean the man looks puffy, bloated and rivals Busey in beer belly stakes.
Steven Bauer looks about the same as he did in Scarface, though his acting talent is wasted on a sidekick role, plus with no martial arts ability, he just basically shoots guns and makes wisecracks. He comes off the best of three only by the default that he is the most convincing because he doesn't sport such a belly. Also is it just me or wouldn't make more sense to cast Bauer as the cuban bad guy? I mean after all Speakman, Busey and Scheider could pass as soldiers of fortune (the former who just ate too many ham snadwiches) I mean who cast this thing?
The movie is basically about Busey's daughter being kidnapped and him, Bauer and Speakman going after the Cuban gangsters who did it, and that leads us to a sequence where Bauer and Busey have to walk through a mindfield as Scheider cackles the whole time. It's a movie full of camp, (You just have to see Busey and Speakman do fight scenes despite their guts) mis-casting and ridiculousness. In other words a great night for those who love something hilarious to laugh at.
Hamlin Grade: 5.5
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
Dragon Wars - D-War is a prototypical example of a film that embraces the CGI era we now live in. Like many of it's predecessors, Dragon Wars - D-War is loaded with ridiculous special effects.... and little else. Story, plot, direction, acting, or actors themselves rather, are nowhere to be found in this bad movie.
Dragon Wars - D-War as I did state above is blessed with some terrific computer graphic special effects. For most of the film a giant cobra terrorizes Los Angeles as it chases a pair of young adults. In fact the movie's only focus was this serpent, and it's army of followers, which consisted of a wide variety of dinosaurs with missile launchers attached to their asses. Now as off the wall as all of this sounds it actually does look pretty sweet. The sweet however ends there.... unless you are a fellow connoisseur of the bad movie.
At some point during the production one animator must have turned to another animator and said "Hey what actor's are starring in this?", to which the other most certainly responded..."Holy shit! There are actors in this?" I did recognize some old dude in the beginning of this (who set up the story through some very drawn out narration... sadly his explanation as to why I was watching this movie did little to clear things up) but after that the cast is essentially as famous as my mailman..... but without the same level of talent. The cops in this movie are terrific, and I mean that they are brilliantly awful actors. There is one scene in particular when the cops, and the chick are driving in their SUV in an attempt to evade the serpent chasing them.... the guy driving the car is expressionless while his passengers are screaming their heads off..... the director forgot to tell him to act I guess.
The most unusual thing about this movie is the title. Dragon Wars - D-War ? What the fuck is D- War? Dragon Wars I kind of get, except for one thing. There are no dragons in this movie till the final moments of the movie, and there is only one. Granted it's pretty cool, but if you were going to call your movie Dragon Wars, wouldn't you pack it full of them? And seriously.... what the fuck does D-War mean?
Dragon Wars - D-War is actually a pretty decent bad movie. The bad acting is amazingly bad, and the special effects are amazingly good. This film will be one of many that footnote this decade as a time when producers spent their entire budgets on CGI, and payed everyone else involved with their feature in kind words.... or a diet coke.
Hamlin Grade: 5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Executive Target is a movie that has a high reputation for fans of Grade B action flicks. Indeed this is often considered one of PM's best titles, the action sequences (like all PM movies) are all spectactular and the cast features Michael Madsen, Roy Scheider, Angie Everhar,Keith David and Matthias Hues (Think of him as the European version of Bolo Yeung as MPM from City On Fire put it so well) So with all said and done why is this movie still a disappointment?
Cause Michael Madsen is just not a very good action hero. Sure the man was good in Reservoir Dogs, plays a great villain and can hold his own with hollywood greats but he just doesn't have the look of a hero, he's just too mean looking and thugish to really work in a role. The part needs someone like Van Damme or Chuck Norris, someone who's lack of acting ability actually passes as impassive charisma and screen presence. Indeed Michael Madsen is a decent actor he just approaches the role the way a good actor would, the problem with this is that it starts to feel as if he actually believes without any trace of humor that what he is doing is plausible and with no sense of irony or indeed humor, you have a guy who has the acting down but none of the charisma and indeed he feels invincible at times.
Then there's Keith David who is almost never a good bad guy, David is likewise a good actor who works best in sidekick or mentor roles, in fact he could probably play a good hero as well, but as a villain he just seems too nice of a guy. It's like the same problem Madsen has, except with David it's in reverse. The less said about Angie Everhart the better and Roy Scheider pretty much accomplishes the Ironside agenda without even trying. Seriously this guy barely talks, basically doesn't care about the movie and pretty much treats the whole project with contempt and still manages to outact his fellow cast members.
The movie itself has some good action, but the production values went only into these action sequences because the bad guy's main hide out is really cheeseball. And the story grows frequently more absurd as it goes along. The story is as cliched as it is routine, basically is about bad guys hiring a stock car racer (Madsen) to abduct the president (Scheider) and kill him, then blame the assassination on terrorists who will then increase military spending in anti-terror programs, keeping jobs safe and keeping the country safe in the process. Once again such a plot has been done to death and here the variation isn't much better than the usual output. Executive Target is basically routine movie without enough soul or indeed depth to fling it into the guilty pleasure section for bad movie fans, it is simply a string of admittedly good action sequences strung together with very boring plot elements which get in the way of the action. It's all obvious and stale material but done with no real sense of joy by the cast.
Outside of the director who stages some good car chases and lots of fireballs. In that regard it does its job but I personally wanted to see something more, at least something to laugh at. Just something other than the usual tired cliches.
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
 Happy Valentines Day....cunts.
That pretty much says it all. Now go back to squandering your time and tax dollars needlessly on congressional hearings designed to determine the credibility of a junkie, ex-constable turned atheletic trainer, and a half simian, half roid raging Cro-Magnon-esque monster.... while your poor and needy fight and die to make the super rich white assholes of your country just a touch more wealthy. Well done America. Well done indeed.
This is the word of Caine.
Praise be to Caine.
The Peacekeeper stars Dolph Lundgren, Roy Scheider, Michael Sarrazin and Montel Williams (!) in an admittedly pretty solid little B.movie which gets by on its talent of the cast. (well aside from Montel Williams...) This take on Die Hard features Dolph Lundgren as a soldier who is assigned into holding a "black bag" which holds all the secret codes to shooting of nukes, when said bad guys get the black bag the demands are simple, that the president (Played by the always great Roy Scheider) commit suicide on live TV, thankfully humanity's hope lies within Dolph Lundgren and (less so) with Montel Williams who are the two men standing between annhilation.
The Peacekeeper is one of Dolph Lundgren's better movies. (Alongside The Punisher, I Come In Peace, Bridge Of Dragons and Universal Soldier) It features him in a more playful form and his one liners work fairly well and although The Peacekeeper is largely implausible I must admit that the overall quality, suspense and fast pace got me into the movie a lot more than I expected to. The special effects in particular are well done and the action sequences (including a car chase by roof top) are all first rate. Indeed for a B.movie you will not see a better showcase of taking a movie to its limit and trying extremely hard to deliver the goods. Indeed The Peacekeeper in retrospect often reminds me of a PM movie with it's action drenched story that despite being routine works because the action and movie is so well done. In fact even though I knew Lundgren would save the day watching the clock go to 1 admittedly had me on the edge of my seat. In all respects The Peacekeeper is as well made as die hard rip offs get.
Also good is Michael Sarrazin who makes a great villain, as expected he's better than Lundgren. (Let's face it Lundgren can sorta act but he's always at his best when surrounded by better actors.) His villain manages to find a humanity that we actually understand and his reasons aren't all that far fetched, in that he is simply upset with the fact that he was given cancer by the friendly fire on the president's orders. He's willing to nuke the world because he learned he was expendable and so he wants to see if the president is willing to kill himself to save the country, indeed even in the ending it's only because of Sarrazin that Lundgren is able to save the day. As no fight takes place as Sarrazin tells Lundgren if he wants to be a hero he's running out of time. He's a good villain and makes almost steals the movie, if not for Roy Scheider.
What renews such interest is that this is Roy Scheider's last good movie and the only movie worth watching in which he plays the president. Here Scheider easily gives the best performance, that's not say that Lundgren and Sarrazin are bad (they're actually pretty good) but none of them can match the epic performance from Scheider who's scenes actually make us give a damn whether he commits suicide on TV or not. (Something of course totally unrealistic, I mean nobody would care ifour president commited suicide, in fact many would cheer.) But because of the quality that Scheider invests into his character he makes what could've been a silly Die Hard clone into a movie that shapes up into a suspenseful outing.
However this thing is flawed. For instance what makes this fit in the category of Bad Movie Knights, is Montel Williams and his "performance" Montel Williams (who stepped in for Louis Gossett Jr, who would've been much better.) is not at all different from his TV show and watching him talk tough, fight it out with bad guys and use profanity is hilarious. This is Montel Williams a guy who's talk show was like Dr. Phil when this came out. Montel Williams' seriously bad performance makes one wonder why on earth such a guy was cast. I mean couldn't they have gotten Fred Williamson, Richard "Shaft" Roundtree or Ice-T? Someone who can exhibit the notion that he could kick ass and not ask everyone for a hug afterwards?
Also some of the bad guys are pretty lame as they can't act worth a damn, and Lundgren's personal life with his hot blonde girlfriend and irritating kid all seems like filler to give Lundgren's character depth but all things considered such flaws are forgiven (Though not Williams' casting) and The Peacekeeper is pretty good as straight to video action flicks go. In fact The Peacekeeper is much better than The Rock, Con Air and Air Force One which came out around the same time. I think the reason remains in the fact that this tries hard, delivers the exciting punch one would expect and features Roy Scheider in his best performance in ages. Lundgren himself has rarely done better than this movie and I think most will find this effort quite enjoyable on most levels.
If only they had cast someone other than Montel Williams.
Hamlin Grade: 7
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
 Hollywood lost one of the great's this week, as two time Oscar nominated actor Roy Scheider passed away on Sunday at the age of 75.
Scheider is without question most famous for his role as Chief Brody in the 1975 summer blockbuster Jaws, and for reprising his role as Brody in the sequel Jaws 2. However he is hailed at Bad Movie Knights for embracing one of our most cherished philosophies.... that of Guttenberg's Principle. Rather than dilute his credibility, Scheider bid farewell to the Jaws franchise after the second installment, and forever ingratiated himself in the hearts of the Bad Movie Knights. To view what Mr. Scheider saved himself from, check out our reviews of Jaws III, and Jaws : The Revenge.
After assisting at the helm of the Orca in Jaws, Scheider went on to pilot a fully armored, and weapons tricked helicopter in 1983's Blue Thunder, a year later he was needed to help command a Soviet - American spacecraft to Jupiter in the 2010 ( think in just two years we will be able to travel to Jupiter! Sweet!), and in 1993, in perhaps his greatest role ever, he commanded a super submarine in the television series Seaquest DSV. These are just a few of the many thespian works of art this great actor delivered unto us.
Regardless of the challenge, Scheider was their to meet it head on and act his way through it, and that is why we honor him. Roy Scheider, we at Bad Movie Knights salute you. You will be missed.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 Stupid Teenagers.
I know what you're thinking. America's deadliest enemy would have to be Osama Bin Laden. Nope. George W. Bush? Nope. Cheney? Nope. Nancy Grace? Nope (though you're getting warmer.) Uwe Boll? Nope, close but no cigar. Who then, you ask. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer? You're getting very, very close. But the answer is teenagers. Teenagers are the greatest threats to the country. Well Mr. Bronson what brought you to this conclusion? 3 reasons. Date Movie. Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans. All of them were awful (Well I haven't seen MTS but the trailer indicates its as bad as the others) but teenagers made them box office sensations. If this isn't a call to install battle royales I don't know what is.
In a time when movies like actual quality movies are out (No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood) people elect to see these moron's attempt at stupid, uh, hmm I can't come up with the word but I know it's not Comedy. However what is quite weird is that people are electing to see this type of garbage in favor of quality popcorn entertainment such as Rambo and Cloverfield. Sure that abomination named Ryan has his flaws (That guy likes really bad kung fu movies, far too much, I mean did you see his update on his equally embarrassing site, he actually recommended a couple Bruce Li flicks!) but as a teenager at least he had the sense and balls to sneak into R rated action movies. Ones that made this country the cultural bad ass it is. I mean you look at the Bruce Lees (American, born in this country, so there!) Arnold Schwarzeneggers, Sylvester Stallones, Van Dammes, Dolph Lundgrens and of course yours truly and you see the type of cinema that symbolized the good old days. When men kicked ass, took names and killed anything that moved. Nowadays this country has their womanfolk being the action stars (Ultraviolet, Aeon Flux and The Brave One) and is it now any wonder why homosexuality has gone up? The poor male teens are just confused on what their place is in this world and with Nancy Grace more powerful than Opie and Anthony, our political correctness says it is so very bad to see a man save the day and save his girlfriend from the train that approaches from the distance. Perhaps the death of us is all political correctness.
And the teenagers are falling for it. And with a good old fashioned blood orgy that was Rambo (And last year it was the very fun Grindhouse) and this has paled in comparison to fuckin Meet The Spartans. How can you teenage males see yourself as anything but less than a man? I mean sure you may have girlfriends, and that's no accomplishment, since that frankenstein of a man (Think of a weary looking black haired Dolph Lundgren without the looks or muscles but with a paunch and you have Ryan) Ryan is dating a 19 year old chick (What's the matter Ryan? Is the fact that you're a couple years from 30 keeping you up at nights. Is this your way of trying to hold onto your youth? I take it the endless kung fu movies are your way of making you forget that damn paunch you've grown since your kickboxing stat championship days!) so women aren't nearly as picky as they used ot be but come on, even Ryan went to Rambo on opening night. Are you disgraces for men that pussy whipped?
Or are you this stupid to accept this quality of shit as actual humor. Let me first off report on the targets that Meet The Spartans hits. Rambo as a midget complete with a rip on Scarface complete with the worn out "Say hello to my little friend!" Are you laughing yet? Because Rambo is a midget, Ha Ha! The other targets are Britney Spears (Her lack of hair, because she's so crazy!), Donald Trump (And his hair, because his hair looks so funny.) The American Idol Judges, Lindsay Lohan and of course the spartans singing "I Will Survive" because nobody at all made fun of 300's gayness. In other words all the hard ones to parody are finally parodied. Of course for those who don't get my sarcasm will note that even Pat (And don't get me started on that guy...) made fun of 300's homoeroticism. As did millions. All the targets are so damn easy to make fun of, one wondered how they forgot to make fun of Paris Hilton or Larry Craig.
And yet teenagers are dangerous because they like this horse shit. These kids will be running your country tomorrow and you've seen a president who liked Chuck Norris movies (George W. Bush) and his reign of terror. The people of tomorrow are looking at a reality where a nuclear holocaust takes place because The President hits New York after getting the longitude and lattitude mixed up with New Zealand and his apology speech will contain "I'm sorry but hey I was close they both had the words "New" in them) I mean there are some smart people left, but the fact that guys like Part Time Ninja, Ryan and Pat symbolize the smarter people in the world you as a nation are in for some serious hard times.
With teenagers armed with Cell phones, parents who could care less and an I.Q span that wouldn't rival a tapeworm, these are the kids of tomorrow and with Japan and China producing the smartest people (Also weirdly enough the kids there watch tons of bloody action movies, gore fests and make our 80s Action stars popular still) it's only a matter of time before Japan tricks us into signing over our country for the price of knowledge on how to turn on the air condition.
You guys should be afraid. Be very afraid because the kids who make Meet The Spartans # 1 at the box office today are the ones with the nukes tomorrow, so take my advice and start the battle royale process now. Otherwise you'll be sorry, we'll all be sorry.
England is also a country of stupidity (Seriously, banning Bruce Lee's use of Nunchucks?) but even they have in their favor that they never made Meet The Spartans # 1 in their ridiculous country.
Wow what a piece of crap this movie is. And by a twist of fate this somehow became fondly remembered as a "fun popcorn movie" and for what? What makes this movie so fun? Let's see here you have a movie about a cross country race and yet there is no suspense in seeing anyone racing the other. You have the world's most annoying sidekick played by Dom DeLuise who calls himself Captain Chaos, you have a slew of stars who were now on the has-been list. (Poor Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.) And much much worse is that the race in question is so unbelievably stupid in how its set up. This movie is truly as awful as the worst movies in the world get. Indeed this rancid fiasco is on the list of worst movies ever made. (On a list with Kids, King Solomon's Mines and Forrest Gump) and to this day i'll never understand what made people actually like this crapfest.
And of course at the time of its release you have Burt Reynolds, a sex symbol in a time that must've obviously been hard pressed for such he wasn't much of an actor. Sure Reynolds did do well in roles such as Boogie Nights, Deliverance, Sharky's Machine and made the occasional fun movie (Smokey and The Bandit his only decent good ole boy movie, thogh I also remember Part 2 being tolerable.) most of the time Reynolds was stinking up the multiplexes with dreadful trash like this, Stroker Ace, Rent-A-Cop,Physical Evidence, Cop and a 1/2 and of course the sequel to this awful crap. (Actually all said titles are actually better than this stinkbomb.) This movie I blame the most because it was made with pure ego and all it consists of is a top hollywood actor making a complete ass of himself for 90 minutes. This movie is a real nugget of turd and people who like this (even if they love laughing at bad movies such as I) are settling for 8th rate materal.
I mean kung fu movies have hilarious dubbing and tons of goofy action with goofy sound effects, horror movies have the hilarity of seeing a non-too convincing chick run from a non-too convincing monster equaling laughs. It all goes to prove that one cannot simply make a movie such as this with big names basically doing nothing for 90 minutes, I mean there has to be some ambition and intention to make a coherently bad movie about a big race. I mean the least they could've done is make it into a Death Race 2000 rip off, at least that would've been funny. I mean at least funnier than this.
So my advice with this terrible clinker, is to proceed with caution. Remember i'm a professional and I watch kung fu movies in my free time and still couldn't mine for any bad movie gold in this sewer of crapfest.
As far as i'm concerned this movie is a complete and utter crime against humanity. Fuck this movie, and fuck that annoying jackass Captain Chaos.
P.S: This movie started the Jackie Chan curse, as in Chan has tried for almost thirty years to make a decent American movie, and 27 years after this worthless crap, he still has yet to do such.
Hamlin Grade: 0
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
How the fuck did this film actually make it to the big screen? We'll get to the why shortly, but the how is almost as stunning a quandary. In this current era of political correctness where most individuals are so morally hand-cuffed by society that their ability to harvest an original thought is completely suppressed, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry does a rain dance across many of the topics that would have these same assholes tightly gripping their vaginas as they flee screaming in terror.
Now should I commend the studio executives for having the stones to broach topics that most in today's society would state are offensive (this is a contradiction of course as being 'politically correct' is as popular as saying you are a Patriot's fan,... those that are the most outspoken about the offensive nature of anything, are usually the same lot that enjoy masterbating to lovely young South American ladies and their adventures with a polymer-based grail, and their excrement,.... this however is a discussion for a later date)? Perhaps, but I won't, because I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry aside from being a truly shitty film, takes few steps towards being bold, and even when the picture does attempt to dance near that line of offensive humor, it quickly back peddles, throws its arm's up in surrender and wraps it in a 'just kidding' and 'we're sorry' candy coating.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is about two firemen played by Adam Sandler and Kevin James, who pretend to be gay, and get married so they can reap the rewards of domestic partner benefits. James is most famous for his portrayal of a United Parcel Service worker on the comedy sitcom 'King of Queens' (a program I've never seen, mostly because I recieve more comedy than I can handle on a daily basis when my UPS guy drops by to deliver a package. Nothing says funny like 'sign here sir'. ) and Adam Sandler who if it weren't for Ben Stiller, would have the glossary Stillered named after him, for his uncanny knack to never turn down a script.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is non-stop hilarity. Yeah! Adam Sandler is following the Eddie Murphy formula to a tee. Starting out as a comedian who was once able to laugh and poke fun at himself, he has transformed into a thespian who can only be the 'cool' guy in a film. It worked out great for Ed, so by all means, keep moving forward! Sandler's character is the good looking, sex-crazed, Mr. February fire-fighter. Kevin James is a widower, who is in danger of losing his pension and benefits (apparently he forgot to fill out some forms during his mourning period) but comes up with a brilliant plan to pretend to be gay and designating his 'domestic partner' (Sandler) the beneficiary and all is good. However faking gayness is a heinous crime, and perpetrators of said act will face jail time. UH OH!! Enter the gay inspector. This individual's job is to authenticate the gayness of couples in a domestic partnership, by carefully monitoring their activities, behaviors and even their trash to make sure they are of the highest quality gay standards. My thought here is that, Sandler could have dropped to his knees and orally cleansed James's U.P.S. package in front of the inspector, and all would have been cleared up. Yes perhaps my solution is gay, but pretending to be gay for a few minutes is far better fate, than being forced to be gay for several years in prison. Besides they are best friends.... and if we can't blow our best friends then what's the point of living right?
So we enter the mysterious homosexual underworld, thanks in part to their legal advisor (played by a smoking hot Jessica Biel) who's brother is a member in good standing (much like Fletch), and act's as a guide through this evil and treacherous landscape of moral deviance. The film does a wonderful job of painting the gay community as hard core party going rockstars that attend masquerade balls on a nightly basis. Truly ground breaking.
The only positive in this film. Jessica Biel prancing around like a gazelle in a bra and panties too small to accomodate an action figure. This delicious, visual flesh-fest is rapidly cancelled out by the fully nude, and freshly soaped Ving Rhames during an uneccessarily long shower sequence.
Getting fucked by a horse in the orbital sockets would have been a much preferred visual treat than sitting through I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. If you've seen the trailer, then you've seen the movie. If you do happen to find this movie in your dvd player, just skip ahead to the aforementioned Biel in panties scene, then pause, rewind, and play again. Otherwise avoid this movie as if it were English cuisine.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
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