Vacany. Holy shit what a disaster.

Before I begin my uncontrollable tirade, let me ask a question. What the hell happened to the horror movie genre? Several years ago, Hollywood decided to take a hard left turn (or hard right, if you happen to be one of those toothless warm beer swilling fucks from England) and bring us horror movies that focused on torture. This in turn has brought about an evolution which has left us with nothing more than high priced snuff films. The characters in these films are so fucking inept that they make assholes from Friday the 13th movies look like geniuses. Which brings me to Vacancy.

Vacancy starts with a very unhappily married couple headed inevitably towards the blood soaked battlefield known as divorce court. Their car breaks down on a road (part of a shortcut chosen by Wilson's character that has gone wrong, which of course gives his very understanding cunt of a wife more ammunition to use against him) and they are forced to hoof it to a motel they passed a mile down the road. They are met by the hotel manager played by Frank Whaley (best known as 'Look at the brain on Brad' from Pulp Fiction) who happily accomodates them. Wilson's character (I don't know his or any of the other characters names because, really they aren't that important, and secondly, their was not even a hint of character development) pops a video tape into the VCR and views a couple of half nekkid girls being sliced and diced by some bad men, all the while his very pleasant wife (Beckinsale) complains about the room. He changes the tape to another video, and a similar scene unfolds, this time it is a married couple getting slaughtered by the same masked men... then it hits him. That room in the video looks eerily familiar. Could it be the room we're staying in he wonders to himself (of course this is all acted brilliantly by Oscar winner Wilson.... hahhahhahahhahah). You bet your ass it's the same room.

Vacancy is basically about a motel that baits weery travellers into staying in one of their rooms (outfitted with all manner of video surveillance equipment) and then waylays them in a contemporary manner. Of course this hotel subsidizes this little venture by selling these little home movies to some asshole in a big rig, who apparently drops by once a week, to pick up more tapes. Great premise. Not really. Not at all in fact.

By this point, it's so utterly predictable that they should have either just run the credits, or held the script up in front of the camera. There were no surprises, no shocks, not even some naked Beckinsale.... hell, I would have settled (preferred actually), an unmotivated Luke Wilson ass in the moonlight shot (thank you Emilio). Yes Wilson, and Beckinsale manage to outwit these killers (which is totally believable, because it's not like these guys haven't done this hundreds of times priors, so their skills and murdering unaware idiots wouldn't be honed), call the cops, and eventually kill all of the bad guys. What a treat.

The most stunning feature about Vacancy is the cast. Somehow, Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale were convinced to appear in this pile of shit. My only thought for this inexplicable occurrence is the resurrection of an old glossary term. The Fonda Syndrome. Simply defined, Mr. Wilson, and Ms Beckinsale's families were obducted prior to production, thus forcing this thespian tour de force to do the director's bidding and perform for us. Perhaps that is why their terror seemed so real on screen? I'm just kidding, they were'nt that good.

This movie sucked. Big time. Bad movie yes. Watchable? Absolutely fucking not. This is not a review, it is a warning rather. Don't waste your time. Do something productive like masterbating in public.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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