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« November 2007 |
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| January 2008 »
Don "The Dragon" Wilson came to fame by making almost a hundred Bloodfist movies, he also was in a bunch of PM movies like Cyber Tracker, Out For Blood and uh, Cyber Tracker 2. Anyway things have gotten fairly quiet for our favorite WKA kickboxing champion. Olivier Gruner came to fame by ripping off Jean-Claude Van Damme and becoming the guy they hired when Van Damme (And Sasha Mitchell) said no. His output included the watchable likes of Nemesis, Angel Town, Mercenary,Savage and Automatic before hitting the skids with duds like TNT, Velocity Trap and well basically anything that I didn't mention as being watchable. Gary Busey was once nominated for an oscar and now picks up easy paychecks in straight to video crap. Also aboard is Martin Kove and Fred Williamson who are way too old for this type of thing. Anyway this brings us to Crooked a generic cop flick which was made on the cheap and features many sequences guaranteed to baffle your mind with such a display of unconvincing acting.
It's really something else. Let me put it to you this way, Gary Busey gives a performance that most likely was conducted while he was stinking drunk, and yet his drunken stubor of a performance is easily the best one in this utterly hopeless movie. Fred Williamson is barely in it and Martin Kove makes no impression, it's as if they asked Kove to be in this movie for no other reason but to add a name to the movie. Anyway a movie like Crooked is to be expected awful, but such can be forgiven, (I mean for an audience like me.) proivided there is tons of ridiculous action, well staged martial arts and a big bodycount. Here is what makes Crooked such a disaster, it contains barely any action, and what little action there is barely rivals a sub-par episode of the 60's Batman. It really is an awful film.
The plot for what those who care, is basically teaming up Don "The Dragon" Wilson with Olivier Gruner. The Dragon is a straight and arrow cop who is seriously by the book, Gruner is a play by his own rules cop who sometimes operates outside the law to enforce it. (See how original this movie is?) Anyway The Dragon and Gruner end up protecting a hooker who saw a mobster hit go down (How many times have we seen this?) and the tedious running time is taken up with a group of anonymous thugs chasing our heroes and the girl, ad nauseum. It's become obvious by the look and the overall feeling surrounding this borefest that nobody involved with this was having any fun with their roles, it's the type of paycheck movie that involves the actors giving the most minimal of effort. When it comes to the market such as this, straight to video movies live and die by how much energy are put into the action sequences and how much effort the cast puts into the movies, and Crooked contains little effort in either category.
Of course the biggest disappointment are the action sequences. Like I said, these action sequences are all really lame. The action consists of feeble shootouts, where bullets spark off of cars and consist of the good guys picking off stuntment while said stuntmen (Supposedly bad guys) return fire and barely hit air. The fight sequences are even worse since the camera somehow manages to distance itself at the worst moment and indeed most of the martial arts is filmed from the waist up. Also the editing is so haphazard and just plain bad that even if the choreography wasn't so boring, things would be just as dull.
And then one came to the conclusion about the stars of this worthless film, both Don 'The Dragon' Wilson and Olivier Gruner were at one time great martial artists and terrible actors, now years later they're too old to do martial arts and are still bad actors. (Though to be fair, as I alway am, they're better actors now then when they began.) And as such they just don't have the chops to play anything but dull as dishwater, the problem this time is that they no longer have their martial artistry to fall back on and without that, they have nothing of merit.
And that in the end is why Crooked is a bad movie of the worst kind. The type of bad movie that is as dull as it is ridiculous. As lifeless as it is dopey and as unwatchable as it is cliched. Crooked is truly a waste of time.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
 10 Worst Bruceploitation movies.
When it comes to movies there are good, there are bad and then there are the ones that are just ugly. Most bad movies can be sort of fun, and some bad movies are even indispensible (Godzilla movies, martial arts movies and Jean-Claude Van Damme movies to name but a few.) but then there are those movies that are just so dreadful that they require nothing but the msot hateful feelings inside and here is the list of pain. Of course because i'm a huge Bruce Lee fan i've suffered through many bombs that promise Bruce but fail to deliver. This is the list of movies that couldn't even entertain me in a silly way.
10.The Clones Of Bruce Lee- Bruce Le and Dragon Lee were cloned from Bruce Lee,to work for the CIA, and then are turned on against each other at the end by an evil scientist. Oh boy, aside from really lame choreography, ridiculous plot and horrible dubbing, the worst thing of all was that the clones of Bruce Lee didn't fight anyone all that interesting making it very damn boring.
9.Dragon:The Bruce Lee Story- By all accounts Bruce Lee was obviously an arrogant son of a gun, he had most likely numerous affairs on his wife (He died in the apartment of a Chinese actress that worked in adult films.) he got into lots of fights with people as a kid and best of all he never apologized for it. This is why we love Bruce Lee. However his presence here turns Bruce Lee into a whitebread, christ-like figure who had to face demons. Jason Scott Lee also bares no look to Bruce Lee, and indeed the only thing worthwhile about the movie is when Lauren Holly sits in very tight black panties and bra. For wasting an oppurtunity to give us the real Bruce Lee, this will always be in my mind as one of the worst movies ever. I mean Bruce Lee was injured in a weight lifting accident which put him in a wheelchair, and not from a fight. In anycase the biggest tragedy is that they completely wussed out Bruce Lee.
8.Bruce Lee,The Man, The Myth-The other Bruce Lee biopic (Well actually there was another one with Danny Lee but I never saw it.) that nobody remembers. This one offers up the theory that Bruce Lee might return in 1983 to civilization, another theory was that he was killed by knife wielding thugs and basically through out Bruce Li isn't doing a lot of fighting and because this was made in Chinese, the dubbing is so awful you can't critque acting. I wouldn't have minded so much if Bruce Li had a pack of ninjas to fight but frankly this biopic has no worth for fight fans or Bruce Lee fans.
7. Chinese Connection II-Bruce Li plays the brother of Bruce Lee, who comes back to teach those damn dirty Japs a lesson in manners. One fo those standard "The Japanese" are evil movies with old school action, bad dubbing and cheap production values, made worse by the fact that you literally can't understand why the fights are happening or even why they started. Dreadful to the extreme.
6.No Retreat No Surrender- The ghost of Bruce Lee teaches some wimpy feather haired teenager how to fight a pre-stardom Jean-Claude Van Damme. One of the biggest surprises in this flick is that Van Damme was easily the best actor in the movie, the fights at the end are decent but seriously there are two breakdancing sequences and never should breakdancing (Also Gymnastics) be near something as cool as the martial arts. Although I did like the line "Beat it Brucey, go home and play with your wooden dolly."
5.Bruce Takes The Dragon- So bad was this movie that it didn't even star Bruce Le that we were promised, but rather we get the hero Daredevil Alan who is old and can't fight. So bad that the screen turned blue a couple times. (Seriously, when they recorded this on the tape, you can see the blue screen.) The blue screen were the best parts of the movie.
4. Enter The Fat Dragon-A much overrated and dreadful attempt to parody Bruce Lee. Sammo Hung is certainly a cool enough actor but come on what the hell is this crap? The parody angle doesn't work and the fight sequences are surprisingly few and far between. Sammo Hung would fare much better in the 80s with his works with Jackie Chan and Yuen Biao.
3.Half A Loaf Of Kung Fu- Hey even Jackie Chan jumped on the Bruce Lee bandwagon (Well actually it was the producers trying to turn Chan into the next Bruce Lee) but somehwere along the way he made this and while technically it isn't Bruce Lee exploitation, it may as well have been. Being that it contains some of the worst action, worst atttempts at comedy and worse of all Chan being turned into a Bruce Lee like fighter. A complete disaster with the worst credits in history. Also of note what the hell is that title supposed to mean anyway?
2.Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave- I love the premise, Bruce Lee comes back from the grave to fight satan, sounds like a great premise for bad movie nuttiness, right? Wrong. Turns out Bruce Lee comes back from the grave to avenge his friend and then fight said friend. The lead actor is Bruce K. Lea and he centers the lame fights and frankly what gives not giving us what it promised. Thankfully in 1991 The Story Of Ricky would give us a similar premise that it followed up on.
1.Fist Of Fear, Touch Of Death-This movie is a fairly easy target, but one must say something about a movie that claims that the Bruce Lee's grandfather was a samurai (despite the fact samurais were Japanese and Lee was Chinese.) but also so we can get stock footage from some Samurai movie. Also which takes place around an event to find the successor of Bruce Lee. Fred Williamson looking confused, Bill Louie looking ridiculous dressed as Kato and a baffling explanation that it was a death touch that killed Bruce Lee. What makes matters worse is that even though this should be funny, it's not. Rather it's just one of the most painful movies ever made.
And there you have it the Bruceploitation movies ever. Their kung fu is no good and it is wise to avoid them grasshopper.
Vacany. Holy shit what a disaster.
Before I begin my uncontrollable tirade, let me ask a question. What the hell happened to the horror movie genre? Several years ago, Hollywood decided to take a hard left turn (or hard right, if you happen to be one of those toothless warm beer swilling fucks from England) and bring us horror movies that focused on torture. This in turn has brought about an evolution which has left us with nothing more than high priced snuff films. The characters in these films are so fucking inept that they make assholes from Friday the 13th movies look like geniuses. Which brings me to Vacancy.
Vacancy starts with a very unhappily married couple headed inevitably towards the blood soaked battlefield known as divorce court. Their car breaks down on a road (part of a shortcut chosen by Wilson's character that has gone wrong, which of course gives his very understanding cunt of a wife more ammunition to use against him) and they are forced to hoof it to a motel they passed a mile down the road. They are met by the hotel manager played by Frank Whaley (best known as 'Look at the brain on Brad' from Pulp Fiction) who happily accomodates them. Wilson's character (I don't know his or any of the other characters names because, really they aren't that important, and secondly, their was not even a hint of character development) pops a video tape into the VCR and views a couple of half nekkid girls being sliced and diced by some bad men, all the while his very pleasant wife (Beckinsale) complains about the room. He changes the tape to another video, and a similar scene unfolds, this time it is a married couple getting slaughtered by the same masked men... then it hits him. That room in the video looks eerily familiar. Could it be the room we're staying in he wonders to himself (of course this is all acted brilliantly by Oscar winner Wilson.... hahhahhahahhahah). You bet your ass it's the same room.
Vacancy is basically about a motel that baits weery travellers into staying in one of their rooms (outfitted with all manner of video surveillance equipment) and then waylays them in a contemporary manner. Of course this hotel subsidizes this little venture by selling these little home movies to some asshole in a big rig, who apparently drops by once a week, to pick up more tapes. Great premise. Not really. Not at all in fact.
By this point, it's so utterly predictable that they should have either just run the credits, or held the script up in front of the camera. There were no surprises, no shocks, not even some naked Beckinsale.... hell, I would have settled (preferred actually), an unmotivated Luke Wilson ass in the moonlight shot (thank you Emilio). Yes Wilson, and Beckinsale manage to outwit these killers (which is totally believable, because it's not like these guys haven't done this hundreds of times priors, so their skills and murdering unaware idiots wouldn't be honed), call the cops, and eventually kill all of the bad guys. What a treat.
The most stunning feature about Vacancy is the cast. Somehow, Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale were convinced to appear in this pile of shit. My only thought for this inexplicable occurrence is the resurrection of an old glossary term. The Fonda Syndrome. Simply defined, Mr. Wilson, and Ms Beckinsale's families were obducted prior to production, thus forcing this thespian tour de force to do the director's bidding and perform for us. Perhaps that is why their terror seemed so real on screen? I'm just kidding, they were'nt that good.
This movie sucked. Big time. Bad movie yes. Watchable? Absolutely fucking not. This is not a review, it is a warning rather. Don't waste your time. Do something productive like masterbating in public.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
10 Worst Post-Apoclypse Movies ever made.
10.Class Of 1999 II:The Substitute- Talk about let downs, this movie is merely a second rate flick, but being that it's a sequel to one of the absurdly enjoyable post apoclypse movies and adding in the fact that it has Sasha Mitchell, a perfectly agreeable action star adapt at kicking ass, and what went wrong? By turning it into a sitcom about teachers who spent more time fucking, than our hero Sasha Mitchell does killing asshole teens. I remember being 13 and completely disappointed by this and even though it's well made, it's manages to be so damn boring it's unforgivable.
9. Warriors Of The Wasteland- It's no wonder, when considering you can share in this little adventure for only One fucking dollar! Fred Williamson is sort of a cool actor but he plays second fiddle to Timothy Brent and what makes this movie so hilariously awful is that the bad guys are homosexuals who actually rape our hero at one point. Add in the fact that the good guys are named with biblical names and you have symbolism at its most obvious. However what makes this movie so awful isn't the, ah interesting set up, is that the action sequences. Action sequences staged as if the choreographers were comatose, drunk and high at the same time. Awful to the extreme.
8. Hands Of Steel- I have a great idea, let's mix The Terminator and Mad Max. And say let's throw in some Over The Top in the mix. I'm not even kidding, 40 minutes to this atrocious movie is dedicated to arm wrestling and are we supposed to get all excited and in suspense when our put upon hero is a cyborg. Also of note is John Saxon who is given star billing on the DVD despite having like 4 minutes of screen time. Italy might have the best wines (I wouldn't know, wine is for pussies) but they have the worst movies.
7. Radioactive Dreams- No worst post-holocaust movie would be complete without a (dis)honorable mention from Albert Pyun. What makes this move so baffling is that it has mutant frogs, midget gangsters that swear a lot, Michael Dudikoff, mutants, George Kennedy and hippy cannibals and yet it's all fucking boring. Literally this movie goes nowhere for hours. Worst of all is that this meant as a comedy and hence Pyun is hopelessly in over his head.
6.The Postman- In a time where civilization has collapsed and people need a symbol of hope, the first thing I think of as hope is a post office worker. What makes said things even worse is that our postman never goes on a shooting spree, which is frankly quite the letdown. Plus it's three hours of endless Costner ego and face. Let's not even get into the fact that the thing that inspires hope among the damned in our future, isn't a cop, a soldier or even a hot chick with really big boobs, a postman.
5. Bronx Executioner- Another one of those buy for one dollar giveaways. Oh boy, where do I start with this one? Um the best actor in it is Woody Strode, the dubbing is awful, the production values worse and it's about a cop who helps good cyborgs against bad ones. No hot looking chicks and not even the Michael Dudikoff intro I was so promised, which indeed was the thing that tipped me over the edge to buy such. Also an action sequence should contain more than bad guys kicking ass on the shootout, until the hero arrives which then switches to the good guy's favor.
4. Omega Cop- Ron Marchini looks like Jeff Wincott, and of course has less acting ability and far less martial artistry skills. The only redemption from this film is Adam West's brilliant performance as Marchini's cop boss. Seems that there is a plauge going around, and the cops in the future are failing to quell gangs. Suffice to say the budget was so low, they didn't even provide bullet squibs.
3. Karate Cop-The sequel that nobody knew about, and for those who did, didn't want. Marchini returns as the last cop on earth and David Carradine appears for maybe 3 minutes (And yet still effortlessly outacts everyone!) and is of course headlined as the star. Marchini plays a cop who knows karate and of course has to protect children and not very attractive chick from mutant bikers. Acting is often hilariously awful, but what makes this one of the worst post apoclype movies, is the casting of Ron Marchini. Marchini doesn't seem to know martial arts and once again the movie didn't have blood squibs.
2. TC-2000- Matthias Hues bad guy from I Come In Peace, Blackbelt, Kickboxer 2, Mission Of Justice and No Retreat No Surrender II. Billy Blanks the Tae Bo guy from Expect No Mercy, Tough and Deadly, Bloodfist and Balance Of Power. Jalal Merhi of Tiger Claws 1-3, G.O.D, Operation Golden Phoenix and Expect To Die fame (?). Bolo Yeung of Bloodsport, Double Impact, Enter The Dragon, Legacy Of Rage and numerous Bruce Le, Bruce Li and Dragon Lee movies all joined forces in 1993 to give us, get this, a Shakespeare like martial arts fest that takes place in the future. I don't think I need to say more about this one.
1.R.O.T.O.R- This movie is so bad that it barely fits the bill as a post apoclypse movie, indeed the beginning headlines speak of how society is tearing itself apart and hence a robot was called for, but through out the movie all we see is what looks like a normal city (Dallas) and the movie itself is so badly made, that the robot in question can apparently see things he wasn't there to witness by pulling off his glasses (Indicating time travel, perhaps.) Also don't miss the scene where our idiotic robot walks through a row of chairs while our texas hero shoots literal fireballs from his colt python. Also, while using a newspaper as a weapon. ROTOR is hands down the worst post apoclypse movie ever made. It's also hands down one of the worst movies ever made and hence why it tops my list.
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