If you have any question on why John Woo was once considered the greatest action filmmaker and a said filmmaker with a future, is no longer spoken off in such high regard. One can only look at his venture into the dreadful sequel to Top Gun (I believe this is part 6 or 7?) John Woo made A Better Tomorrow, The Killer, Hard Boiled and A Bullet In The Head. All of which are among the greatest action or war movies ever made. His other works such as Last Hurrah For Chivary, Hard Target, Broken Arrow, Face Off and Blackjack are all good movies all worth seeing at least once. His only mild slip up prior to this crapfest was Once A Thief (Both versions) and then John Woo did the impossible. He agreed to make a Top Gun sequel.

Like Don "The Dragon" Wilson in the Bloodfist series, Tom Cruise has continued to play the same character who is one minute a race car driver, another second a lawyer and of course let's not forget Maverick as a samurai, a gesture so ungodly in its ineptitude that it actually made samurai movies UNCOOL for two years. (Well until they released Shogun Assassin on DVD.) This time Maverick is a secret agent who is sent on a mission to keep a deadly chemical agent from getting into the wrong hands. Of course such things would be easy to recant if I cared enough to repeat them, but frankly i'm not and the only notable thing about this piece of garbage is that Maverick seems to flaunt his gayness in this movie.

John Woo can make one look cool. He managed to make Van Damme look sort of cool with that power mullet and even succeeded in making Travolta seem cool as well. Truly if Woo can make a stuck in the closet flamer like Travolta (Woo must like a challange.) cool, he might succeed in bringing in a shade of masculinity to Cruise? Not a chance. My whole theory on why Chow Yun Fat stopped wearing a black trench coat and shades is after he witnessed said garb on Tom Cruise and hence hung up his coolness to trade it in for lazy roles such as Bulletproof Monk. Tom Cruise sports a ridiculous haircut that makes him look like a frisco bathhouse boy. I mean has it ever been mascuine to wear that much hair gel, even when you were 14? I thought not.

Worst of all is that Woo tries extremely hard to make the action spectactular, to make Cruise's ridiculous poses cool and indeed try and make Maverick somehow different but he fails, and fails hard. People often site the fact that Woo was so brilliant because he overcame Jean-Claude Van Damme, John Travolta (Twice), Dolph Lundgren and even Christian Slater. But Woo meets his match in Cruise, where as the others were never as cool as Chow Yun Fat, going from CYF to Tom Cruise is like starting with Charles Bronson (Hands down the coolest actor ever.) and ending up with Asthon Kutcher.

Also as gay as Cruise looks, it's worth noting that I thought the love interest was a drag queen for about 15 minutes, only to find out that Thandie Newton is just a really unattractive chick. My mistake. Suffice to say though it's this movie that started the jokes about Cruise's credibility in the heterosexual stakes and since then he's never recovered. This made Cruise a laughable folly for hilarious gay jokes across the country, so for that I give this credit.

Sadly it's just too bad John Woo had to give up his talent, or perhaps he left his talent back in Canada on the set of Blackjack. I'm not sure.

So for Top Gun:Mission Impossible 2 I give it a two, because if not for this movie, we people wouldn't mock Tom Cruise and his joke of a religion. Without that we never would've gotten one of South Park's masterful episodes, where Scientology was brilliantly slammed up the ass. Much like Cruise wishes he would be now and again.

As for the movie itself, it sucks chunks. But you knew that. Oh and uh, Johnny, get your ass together and make a movie with CYF. What are you waiting for?

Hamlin Grade: 2

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer

Posted by Patrick at 12:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

What can I say that I didn't say about in my review for the epic sequel to this movie? Well aside from the fact my mom and aunt protested this thing in Chicago and got their panties in a bunch over the depiction of Santa Claus as an axe murderer. The fact of course that it's not Santa but some nutcase dressed as Santa failed to go unnoticed. Also the whole fact that Santa Claus's garb was invented by coke cola and we have what is probably the most controversal film on this site. (Basic Instinct aside)

The film itself is nothing but a slasher with hokey (though strangely credible, depressing and ultimately shocking) psychological depth. Indeed if you read the back of the cover you'd think that this was a character study. Well the story goes like this a little kid is terrified by his grandfather (In an admittedly hilarious sequence) in which the warning "You see Santa Claus tonight, better run boy, YOU BETTER RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" Then we witness a guy in a santa suit (Who just got done robbing a store and shooting the clerk dead.) pulled over at the side of the road, of course the kid's parents stop being that it's Christmas. The santa claus shoots the dad dead and then cuts the mom's throat while trying to rape her. Then the killer calls out for the boy since he's next. Imagine, if Santa would've been successful 12 people would've been spared. So anyway the kid is sent to the orphanage and is abused by the mother superior (Who doesn't bleed at the end of part 2) and so one night after the kid becomes 18, he knocks back a few drinks, thinks he's Santa and basically goes banannas. The 18 year old hangs a guy with christmas lights (I'm still surprised he didn't say "Lights Out fatso!" I mean that would be great) stabs his love interest in the movie, kills his boss, kills more people and basically all in all a true classic for the holidays.

So among the outrage all we have is a slasher flick. A slasher flick which is better than most, and indeed has its moments of power (Santa killing and raping a woman while her son watches is indeed quite disturbing.) but one still doesn't understand why people protested the Santa suit. Indeed had anyone saw the movie, they would've had a lot more to protest.

Still as one of the youths that was meant to be protected from the horrors of this movie (My mom picketed this movie, but still couldn't stop me from seeing this at 12.) we have a movie that puts the ick back in St. Nick and I personally thought this was a perfectly acceptable movie for the family although be prepared to explain to your kids why all the women in this movie wear no bras. Not that i'm complaining.

Also the soundtrack is among the worst ever. Example lyrics? "There are always people who love you and want to kiss you and hug you, and it's always christmas on the warm side of the door" of course this could all be one big metaphor.

So we get decapitations, impalings, lots of boobies,bad acting (Excepting the guy who plays Billy, who is alright), women and their weakling boyfriends getting the crap kicked out of them (See this movie isn't sexist) and two santa clauses gunned down in front of kids. All in all, a perfect christmas movie filled with good tidings and good cheer. The type of movie I watch Christmas Eve with a bottle of Jack Daniels, a pizza and my girlfriend. As I wrote that last sentence I realized, that's pretty much my friday nights and saturdays as well. Oh well, it's always christmas on the warm side of the door.

Hamlin Grade: 6

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer

Posted by Patrick at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. So you thought a holiday that celebrates our total rape, exploitation, conquering, and eventual extermination of a people would go untouched by us? No my friends, the Knights of the Bad Movie are here as always to defend the undefendable (unless it's in the form of a spectacularly shitty ass film....like The Bronx Executioner), and in some small way, right the wrongs of the past by bringing justice to our Native American friends.

Initially, I was going to review 1492: Conquest of Paradise, starring Gerard Depardieu as Christopher Columbus which chronicled the adventures of the famed explorer during his pursuit of the New World. While his efforts did open the doors for future explorers, the fact still remains that he landed in the Virgin Islands, and not the continent of North America where he is credited to this day as the discoverer of....and it was he that fathered the downfall of the Native American. The truth is, that it was really all the fault of that son of bitch Amerigo Vespucci. So rather than review a movie that covers the birth of the Native American extermination, I thought it more appropriate to cover a film in which this holocaust is in it's full rennaissance, for lack of a better term. That being said, I give you The Last of the Mohicans.

The title of the film is truly appropriate for this Thanksgiving holiday, as it highlights the crest of the Mohawk culture. The Last of the Mohicans is actually a great movie, but it does warehouse some outstanding bad movie elements. Set to the back drop of the French and Indian War, The Last of the Mohicans is a tale of a forbidden love, a love that just cannot be, but fights to blossom between Hawkeye (or Nathaniel Poe) played by Daniel Day-Lewis, and Cora Munro played by Madeleine Stowe. Nathaniel is the adopted son of the last of the Mohawk people, and Cora, the daughter of a British officer. See. Forbidden love.

The Last of the Mohicans does represent one of the finer war movies of that era. To date, there really hasn't been a decent movie about the Colonial times or the Revolutionary War....and no, Mel Gibson's The Patriot does not count. The battle sequences are spectacular, and the hand to hand combat scenes even better. Almost too good. Nathaniel, his step brother, and step father, are all formidable opponents. Unbeknownst to me, the Mohawks were actually back woods ninjas, that produced a unique fighting style, that combines the rifle, clubs, daggers, swords, and some Brazilian Jujitsu ground fighting techniques. I'm just fucking with you. They didn't really use swords. Several of the close quarters combat sequences were most likely inspiration for the Wachowski Brothers when they were filming Keanu during the Matrix.

The movie follows the fortuitous meeting of Nathaniel and his family and Cora, her sister, and Major Duncan Heyward as they are ambushed by a Huron raiding party. Nat and his crew save the day with Nin-hawk skills (Moh-ja?) and rescue the three travellers, and guide them to Fort William Henry which is under siege by the French (during this little camping trip, Nathaniel lays the ground work for the sweet loving he will eventually be administering to Cora). Sadly the Fort falls days later, and the group is trapped and forced to surrender alongside all of the British soldiers. The French offer gracious terms, and allow the defeated British army to leave the field of battle unharmed. However, during their march of shame, they are ambushed by the Huron (damn them!). Once again, the Huron, kill everyone, but Nat and friends, Cora, Alice and Duncan!

CANOE CHASE! Yes! Imagine the car chase scene from Ronin, and replace the high octane burning european sports cars, with deer skin wrapped canoes on the Hudson, and you have a action packed pursuit of epic proportions. From this point forward, The Last of the Mohicans becomes a cat and mouse chase, with a few more fight scenes peppered in for excitment. Daniel Day-Lewis, Oscar calibre (and winning) actor that he is, does have a tendency to lay it on a little thick, and sometimes over act. This movie is no exception. What has this film orbiting the realm of bad movies are some of the lines he spews throughout. Most could have been stated matter of factly, but DDL brandishes a fist in the air and belts out his lines like an orator on crack cocaine. Here's a sampling of some of his better speeches:

"Someday I think you and I are going to have a serious disagreement. "

"Well, we face to the north and, real subtle like, turn left. "

"I am Le Long Carabine! My death is a great honor to the Huron, take me! "

"In case your aim is better than your judgment. "

"My father's people say that at the birth of the sun and of his brother the moon, their mother died. So the sun gave to the earth her body, from which was to spring all life. And he drew forth from her breast the stars, and the stars he threw into the night sky to remind him of her soul. So there's the Cameron's monument. My folks' too, I guess." (this speech pretty much rocks Madeliene Stowe right out of her panties....I fill up a bit when I hear it too....DDL is the man!)

and by far my favorite:

"No, you submit, do you hear? You be strong, you survive... You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you. "

Throw in Madeleine Stowe's acting which reaches Dakota Fanning levels of irritation at times and you suddenly find yourself watching a bad movie called The Last of the Mohicans. A bad movie that is loaded with tons of goodness.

From all of us here at Bad Movie Knights, have a Happy Thanksgiving. To our Native American friends.....sorry our forefathers were such fucking assholes.

Hamlin Grade: 6

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Posted by Patrick at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

This is not really a review. No in fact this is an apology. I have been humbled and to show that I am in fact a man of honor, I submit this unto you.

Kevin Costner, I am sorry.

We at Bad Movie Knights have had a love affair with hating the films of Kevin Costner, but he has just whipped his blessedly large penis across our collective faces dry and hard. That cock slap came in the cinematic form of Costner's lastest achievement Mr. Brooks.

Teamed with William Hurt, Kevin Costner has put together one of the most creative pictures focusing on the life of a serial killer. Mr. Brooks gives us a god perspective on what it would be like to be insane, and in a way that dances near perfection. I have not seen a movie on this subject done so well since I viewed the classic American Psycho.

While I admit it is hard for me to sit down with an unbiased view of Costner movie these days, I do try my best to keep an open mind. Costner always has his work cut out for him, because he unlike many thespians of today, has to get you to stop hating him for you to actually focus on the story itself. In Mr. Brooks, Costner has succeeded. I will speak no more of this.

You have won this day Kevin Costner, but mark my words. I will return.... and like the sand people.... in greater numbers.

Hamlin Grade: 8


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Posted by Patrick at 12:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

Went I popped Hannibal Rising into the dvd player I have to be honest, I was hoping it would suck, and banking on hating it.

To a certain extent I was right across the board. Hannibal Rising was a weak pre-quel to the Silence of the Lambs movie which focused on the brilliant portrayal of Dr. Hannibal Lecter by Sir Anthony Hopkins. This film is nothing more than a poorly conceived marketing ploy that would bank on the success of the preceding movies. Probably not much of a shock there.

So where did Hannibal Lecter come from? His mother's vagina of course, but the Lecter we know and love was a small boy growing up during World War 2 in Lithuania. All of his family is killed during the war and he is left to tend to his young sister Mischa. While caring for her, a bunch of looters break into there house, and hold young Hannibal and his sister captive. Dancing a fine line between freezing to death, or dying of starvation, the looters choose to dine on his baby sister.

Flash forward just shy of a decade and Lecter is a young man, who can only remember what happened to he and his sister through nightmares. He leaves his orphanage to reconnect with his ridiculously wealthy Aunt living in Paris. His Aunt, a hot young Japanese woman, of course teaches him the way of the samurai (which for the record can be picked up over a long weekend - see Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai for proof of this). Brilliant move by the way, teaching an angry young teenager how to use a sword, and then also showing how your ancestors used to sever the heads of their opponents and place them before an alter as an honorable prize. So young Hannibal spends some time in the French countryside cutting the heads off of French assholes. This of course shocks his Aunt. DUH?! What the fuck did you think he was gonna do, go and sit in the den and write Haikus with his cock?

Lecter then goes to medical school, for no other reason than to show how he became a doctor. From here Hannibal Rising turns into a revenge fantasy as he carefully singles out the men who abducted him and his sister when they were children and one by one executes them in a manner similar to the one they visited upon his sister. He eventually works his way to the leader of the gang of looters who is now a very successful post WW2 businessman and unleashes untold fury upon him. Prior to the man's demis he let's young Hannibal know that he also ate his sister as he enjoyed some of the very same soup they did. Rage, anger, blah blah blah. Young Hannibal bites more cheeks in this film than Marv Albert did.

The most ridiculous feature of this movie is how many supporting characters had to point out that Hannibal was now a 'monster'. Lines like 'whatever part of that boy was human died long ago in that winter cottage'.... and his Aunt's epic utterance of 'Hannibal, there is nothing left of you for me to love'. We all know he's gonna turn into a psychotic cannibal, but the idea that he is becoming that in this film is force fed to you (no pun intended) at every turn.

Had this film not been a pre-quel to the ultra successful originals, it may have been halfway decent as a stand alone. However it was not, and much in the same way the Star Wars Pre-quels failed, Hannibal Rising suck balls. Big time. Don't waste your time with this crap, especially if you enjoyed the original.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Posted by Patrick at 03:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)