Jim, Jim, Jim... please! STOP!!

I'm begging you Carrey, I'm on my knees (where I often find myself) pleading with you to stop with this self-obsessed desire to transform yourself into a dramatic actor. It's not in the cards for you. It's just not. What you are trying to do is like Derek Jeter saying he's had enough with baseball and just wants to play in the NHL from this point forward(for the record I would love to see that). Perhaps my analogy is a bit of a stretch, but not really. You have a gift (which is debatable in some circles) to make people laugh... and also make ridiculous faces, noises, impressions etc..... yet you are turning your back on them. No dramatic actor, with exception of our lord and savior Michael Caine, could possibly turn their backs on their thespian ways and do what you do.

You want an Oscar. I understand. But let me break it down for you. Firstly, you will never win one (especially if you star in pile of shit films like the The Number 23). Secondly, who cares. The Oscar lost it's credibility 5 minutes after it's creation. It's a meaningless award surrounded by a ceremony which is nothing more than Hollywood getting together for 8 hours to blow one another. Take away their scripts and you will have a room full of assholes who couldn't come up with one original thought between them (unless Michael Caine was there).

Ok, off the soapbox, and onto the movie. The Number 23 was a heaping helping of animal excrement. I was going to list 23 reasons why you shouldn't watch this movie, and I couldn't because I was unable to get past reason number one. Joel Schumacher directed it. How the fuck is this guy still directing? If I did my job as shitty as him, not only would I be fired, I would be dragged out into the parking lot and raped to death by a bulldozer.

The Number 23 follows the life of Walter Sparrow (played by Jim Carrey) who is a dog catcher. His wife buys him a book called the Number 23, which focuses on the number 23 of all things. The book (he wrote it, I know thats retarded, but he did, and he discovers that along the way) makes him go crazy, and unlocks suppressed memories of a murder which he committed, which he feels so guilty about that he turns himself in and goes to jail. That's it. I just saved you 98 minutes. Schumacher once again tries to get artsy (which he just can't) so the film is liberally seasoned with flashbacks filmed in a Sin City-esque manner, which reveal more and more, till you get to that 'oh who gives a shit' point of the film.

The Number 23 is just plain bad, and doesn't offer anything in it's badness, except perhaps a studio executives future hesitation when the time comes to find a director for a project and think.... Joel Schumacher. Drop the 3. Just call it Number 2.

Hamlin Grade: 1


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Posted by Patrick at 03:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

American Ninja 3:Blood Hunt was made in 1989, I mean that's what the box tells me and IMDb backs this fact up. However given the sub-porn production values, the incompetently staged fight sequences and the horrific acting of the entire cast, one would be hard pressed to believe that this wasn't made in the 60s.

While it is hard to describe what is the most awful thing about this sequel, there is an interesting story that coincides with this. (Well interesting if you like B.movies) Seems Michael Dudikoff turned down the chance of reprising his role because he wanted to perfect his acting craft. (In other words this meant that B.movie fans would have to suffer through his dramatic stage that gave us Platoon Leader and River Of Death, saw em both and they sucked) So they needed someone American to take over the part, well somewhere somehow somebody thought that David Bradley would be a great choice for the heir to this series. Completely unaware that this talentless muscle man may have had some martial arts experience but so little charisma (and even less acting credibility) that he made Michael Dudikoff seem like the pinnacle of acting talent.

Somehow Steve James returned and this time went on to fight ninjas with our new American Ninja. By the way, i'm not sure when Steve James was diagnosed with cancer (As Steve James passed away in 1993) but Steve James looks noticably weaker and indeed doesn't appear to even be having any fun with the role something completely drastic from his look in American Ninja 2. He still manages to give the best performance because I mean seriously the talent in this movie would pale in comparison to actors who don't pass muster in the adult industry. The first two American Ninja movies were reasonably well made for the budget (and time) it was made, the action sequences were entertaining (If not outstanding) and there was a watchable edge that made these movies enjoyable for the B.movie lover in me. They were bad but they were entertainingly bad. Unfortunately American Ninja 3 is neither entertaining, campy or for that matter watchable.

The story itself is lame (As expected) as we are given a half assed orgin story of how the new American Ninja became well, a ninja. Apparently the new American Ninja had a karate expert father who was killed in a hold up (Seriously a robbery during a martial arts tournament?) and so the father's best friend teaches the boy the ways of the ninja. The boy ninja becomes a man ninja and he decides to compete in a tournament which is apparently a cover for 'The Cobra' (Marjoe Gortner, yes the televangelist!) who is looking for the strongest man to use a deadly virus on. So of course Ninjas fall out of the woodwork trying to kidnap David Bradley, only to have their asses kicked by David Bradley and Steve James. (As well as some annoying sidekick type who reminded me of Rob Scheneider)

These fight sequences are choreographed with all the intensity of a chess match. There literally is no suspense or sense of energy that would hope to find for a martial arts movie. Also the camera angles shoots such scenes with such an irritatingly detached angle that any glimmer of potentional (not that there is much in this boring choreography) is lost on the audience. Apparently David Bradley is more trained in the martial arts field and yet he still is far duller to watch in action then Michael Dudikoff or anyone else for that matter. Bradley just hangs back does incredibly simple and lame moves and the fight is over after a couple seconds.

Of course anything else outside of the fight arena, are somehow even duller to watch. It's just disposable garbage, the type of movie you watch only for the fights that somehow disappoints you in its hopeless awfulness. This failure in the fight arena basically renders this particular sequel as utterly useless.

Hamlin Grade: 1

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer

Posted by Patrick at 12:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)