Whatever.

No doubt you’ve heard this declaration many times before and it was most certainly voiced towards the end of a heated conversation, or disagreement.

The word ‘whatever’ is usually fired from the pursed lips of a very hostile woman, or a gentleman that enjoys open mouth diving into other men’s laps.

‘Whatever’ itself has grown in popularity and unfortunately in power over the last decade. It is what many consider a conversation ender, as it requires little more than the use of it to silence an argument, and grant it’s benefactor the belief that they have won the debate with their well placed verbal jab.

I however most assuredly disagree, and am here to excise this false power the word ‘whatever’ has been bestowed. Look at it from my very correct, always right, and fiercely masculine perspective.

When I hear ‘whatever’ during an argument that I am participating in, I know that not only is victory mine, but my counterpart has also stamped my triumph with her approval. You see, when you say whatever, most think they are flipping off their opponent, and securing a win in your vocal battle, this however is not the case. When you say ‘whatever’ you are in fact saying: “Excellent point sir, and forgive me for not being intelligent enough to come up with any more facts to not only prove my case but my own self worth as well.” Saying ‘whatever’ during a discussion of anger tells everyone that firstly, you are an idiot, secondly, your argument was a lost cause before it began, thirdly, that the individual whom you were arguing is correct, and finally that your mother is a big fat cunt, and a whore.

So you see gentleman, (and I say gentlemen, because no brother of mine with an ounce of self respect would ever find that term being launched from their tongue) when you hear someone say ‘whatever’, do not become agitated. They are really just saying that you are right, and they are blatantly wrong. And a cunt.

This is the word of Caine.

Praise be to Caine.

Posted by Patrick at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

What's more frightening than zombies?

A middle-aged English man's dentist bill!

I'm just fucking with you.... the English don't go to the dentist... because their are none in England. To the original question, as to what is more frightening that zombies? Zombies in England (see we've come full circle).

Now as far as coming up with something original within a genre that has been beaten to death with over saturation, 28 Days Later does manage a modest amount of success in the uniqueness department. The zombies in this film are the unfortunate victims of an infection from something called the RAGE virus (obviously an aberration of tooth decay... another virus rampant among those fuckin' Brits), and unlike their previous mindless, slow moving counterparts, these zombies are quick and savage..... much like the bacteria within a pre-root canalled English bicuspid. (Yes two bad teeth English jokes in one paragraph!!! I rule!).

28 Days Later opens in a truly unique way by giving us the perspective of a man who wakes from some kind of coma in a deserted hospital. From our vantage point we share the same confusion he does as walks through a London that is devoid of life.... much the same way the country is devoid of dental care.

After some snooping our guide (played by Cillian Murphy) does run into a band of zombies, and is narrowly rescued by a pair of zombie-killing experts. They fill him in (and us) and blah blah blah same old zombie movie. Humans run and hide, some die, they pick up some new companions, some new companions die, they decide on a destination and / or goal, and then they reach said goal only to find that it was not all they had hoped it would be..... pretty much the standard zombie movie template to the letter.

The goal or destination in 28 Days Later is to follow a repeating radio broadcast to a military base where they have the answer to infection. That answer to infection? A gaggle of British soldiers playing G.I. Joe in what looks like Scarface's old house. They have food, liquor, smokes, plenty of guns, and thanks to the arrival of the group of survivors, two fresh vaginas (and one penis, but that is overlooked).

The time stamp in this movie is 4 weeks, hence the title of this sweeping epic 28 Days Later. The biggest problem I had with this film, is the lack of time it took for the human being to revert to a savage, thriving on little more than blood lust, and the reward of rape. Agreed, that over a period of time, dwelling in the aforementioned circumstances would take it's toll on the most stable of minds, and inevitably drive us to a less than civilized approach toward life. However I think that period of time would be far greater than 28 days. What exacerbates this problem for me, is that the individuals who quickly embrace this new savage lifestyle of rape and killing are military men, generally a group that follows a strict and orderly regimen. But then I remembered that they are English, and if it took them 28 days to get to rape, then you know dental hygiene went out the window on day 1.

28 Days Later is actually a gem within a genre that is dedicated to producing truly bad movies. It's originality on the zombie theme is to be commended, and if you can get past the silly accents of the actors within the movie, you might enjoy it.... then again maybe not.

Hamlin Grade: 5


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat

Posted by Patrick at 12:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Media Hype...

There seems to be an unwritten rule that cause always has an effect but like most things in science it's not 100%. We like to think that every asshole who picks up a gun and shoots up his school has a seemingly believable reason (Or more likely an easy outlet to blame.) but few things have ever been as shameless as the way The Virginia Tech Massacre hyped the the killer. We learned that Cho-Seung Hoi wrote violently disgusting plays that horrified his classmates and teachers. Something so fucking intense that he was removed from his English class and privately tutored. After reading Hoi's plays, I, Chuck Bronson don't fault the teacher's decision to kick them out of class and get him a tutor. Indeed those plays were so heart wrenchingly awful and delightfully atrocious in their ineptiude that I often couldn't hold my mouth from the shock. One of this moron's play featured endless Guns and Roses lyrics (So this proves he's a psycho, he listens to Axl Rose) and the other was about a stepfather who kills his asshole stepson in self defense. In it (And this shows exactly where Hoi's complete and utter failure to pick up on a female's frame mind) the stepfather is implicated for killing his wife's first husband and his response is to ask her to do it doggy style. Remember that one guys, the next time the missus gets pissed off for killing one of her friends. It gets even worse, and I could write a thesus of what's so grotesquely awful (in its ineptitude) about it. However you would think by the press that this would make Stephen King and Clive Barker's work seem like disney pictures.

However that's not all. My favorite things about the media is the blame shot by moronic psychologists who blame the violence on the medium I so very much love. I made a career killing people who begged for mercy, Indeed my last Death Wish I forced three consecutive people in a row to beg before giving them acid bathes, a ride through a grinder and suffocating them with shrinkwrap. I knew how to kill with style it is a true pleasure I hold dear is to give anonymous bad guys a death wish that I could only grant. But enough about me, you know that, my point is that these psychologists are dangerous because they want to take away the rights you Americans hold so dear. Do you want to live in a toilet like England? Where they cut off Bruce Lee using nunchucks? I thought not. So the main question was what inspired our korean madman? Well believe it or not christian music was found on his harddrive and his last words were some incoherent bullshit about punishing them for god. But did we blame the church? Of course not. But the Washington Post ran a ridiculous article about John Woo and how the classic Hard Boiled was so stylish and bloody. (Which it is, which is why it kicks ass.) and of course Old Boy because Hoi posed with a hammer. Don't you love how this dickweeds operate?

So it is Korea and Hong Kong's fault for the violence that has affected our youth. Well at least I now know what was responsible for the numerous ninja gangs that used to hang out across highschools in the 70s after the Bruce Li craze. So it is Korea and Hong Kong cinema that is at fault and not the college who didn't kick the bastard out when he set fires on campus and stalked women, and not the faults at all of the media who hyped the Columbine massacre as if they were vampires let loose on a bloodbath, it was not at all the fact that this guy was wired wrong, it was not at all that kids were most likely pricks to the assholic lad. Not at all. At the end of the day we can all sleep a little peacefully knowing that people like this don't exist. Until they watch Korean cinema.

Of course school shootings have been going on at least one a year since 1999, and I know with all my intellegence and confidence that the pictures of showing Cho Seung Hoi pose with guns and hammers will not inspire other wackos out there. Once again, keep your kids away from Korean and Hong Kong cinema, because at best the kids end up like that deviant Ryan, and at worst like a psychothic shooter. Take heed America. And do speed!

Bronson's Loose Again!

Posted by Patrick at 12:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Mark Dacascos, Robert Patrick, Scott Wolf and Alyssa Milano. You would think that this would be the greatest terrible B.movie actioner ever made, sadly the movie is utterly unwatchable. There just isn't enough bad movie magic and I think the main reason is because when you cast the guy who was the T-1000 and the guy from Kickboxer 5, and when the movie is based on a video game in which you just kick the crap out of people. This could be your problem.

This has to be an easy premise to adapt, the game was about two martial artists who fought bad guys who kidnapped their girlfriend and try to capture a magic medallion. This movie should simply be Dacascos and Wolf trying to save Milano from Patrick. Plug in numerous asskickings, tons of mutant creatures, some Raiders Of The Lost Ark like moments as well as some Blade Runner like rip off moments. (This does take place in the apoclypse.) Instead they turned this into insipid nonsense aimed at stupid kids.

I loved playing Double Dragon, it was awesome. The movie is awful. But this had potential for bad movie greatness, I mean Kickboxer 5's Dacascos (Not to mention the Iron Chef chairman) and Robert Patrick! (Let's not forget erotic star Alyssa Milano, okay she was on Who's The Boss and Scott Wolf currently employed with an insurance company.) This was a great idea on paper, a simplistic story with a great bad movie cast. It fell apart because this movie is played for laughs, when it should've had more kickboxing. Seriously, Double Dragon isn't a funny premise, it's an action movie premise which is incredibly easy to adapt. (It's two guys kickboxing the crap out of thugs who kidnapped their girlfriend and stole a magic medallion, how hard is that to adapt?) Sadly this movie is crap. Not fun crap. Just crap. Watch Mortal Kombat (The best videogame adaptation ever, which isn't saying much since all that one is, is a fun bad movie.) This is among the nadir of the genre. Better than Resident Evil and Tomb Raider but still worse than Super Mario Bros. and Street Fighter.

Avoid it.

Hamlin Grade: 2

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer

Posted by Patrick at 12:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)