The Bounty is the true story of a mutiny, way back when England was still a super power on high seas... no I'm serious (I laughed my ass off at that too... try mastering dental hygiene next time).

The Bounty boasts an impressive cast that included relative newcomer and anti-semitic Mel Gibson, Sir Anthony Hopkins (although I don't believe he had received that ridiculous honor of being Knighted back then), Sir Laurence Olivier, Daniel Day-Lewis, and Liam Neeson.

This 1984 epic tells the tale of the famous vessel that travelled to the Far East to obtain bread fruit plants for their King. Lt. William Bligh (Hopkins) is obsessed with rounding Cape Horn, the Southern tip of South America a quicker route than the more travelled one around Africa, but a journey that is often avoided because of bad weather. Stubborn asshole that he is, Bligh puts his crew in danger in his attempt to round the Cape, but ultimately fails after some 2 months. Much to his dissapointment, he retreats from his quest, and decides to take the longer journey around Africa to reach his destination. Along the way, he berates, scolds, chastises, punishes, whips, tortures and administers discipline which he of course "applies with an even hand".

When they do arrive at their destination of Tahiti, the men are met with scores of naked Island women..... supple, freshly sun baked, caramel colored breasts as far as the eye can see.... women who's bodies have obviously been forged from a lifetime of aquatic activities.... in other words paradise (try to imagine an island populated with nothing but one thousand naked Patrick Swayze's and you will begin to understand the magnitude of this old world Club Med). The men enjoy their vacation from duty, and indulge themselves in the pleasures of the flesh to no end. All the men that is except for Bligh. Bligh apparently is not fond of native titties but instead desires the slender form of Mr. Fletcher Christian (ironic that it was my buddy Fletch who once described the Bounty as Bligh's battle with his own sexuality... and then returned to sipping from the next available cock).

Whatever his reason, Bligh determines that it is time for them to depart. Let's see, return to the open ocean, or remain on an island made of boobs? Tough choice. Leaving wasn't enough for Bligh however, as he felt his crew had lapsed so far from the standard of British sailors that he ruled over them with an iron fist. Pushed beyond the brink, the crew led by Mr. Christian eventually took the ship. Those not sympathetic to the cause, were banished to the sea with Bligh and many of the officers on board a small sailing boat.

The Bounty then split time between Christian, the mutineers and their boners as they returned to Tahiti, and Bligh and his band of unfortunates as they enjoyed the spoils of a sip of water and the random retarded pigeon that happened to get caught in their sails. While Bligh and his men did return safely home, what happened to Christian and his men is speculation. According to the film they found refuge on an island where they lived out their days fucking their brains out.

The greatest aspect of this movie is the language. Let me give the British some credit here. They know how to swear at one another, and do it in such a way that they sound dignified. By adding the term 'Sir' to any curse riddled declaration it almost sounds polite. Throughout the Bounty, you will be bombarded with statements like:

"Damn you Mr. Christian! Damn you sir!"

"Filth, sir! Filthy, Mr. Christian! Still filthy! Look!"

"Mr. Fryer, sir! Come back here!"

"By law, I am the first! Do you understand? God damn your height! And now you may dismiss, sir! "

"God damn your eyes, man! You turned your back on me!"

"I am in hell, sir! I am in hell!"

"He was insubordinate, cowardly and insubordinate, he frightened the men, I did not put that fear there, he did. So he will be lashed and we will go around the Horn. Are you frightened to go around the Horn, Mr. Christian? Are you a coward too, sir?" (probably one of the finest scenes in the movie as Hopkins mouth is spitting and smiling while his eye is twitching.... it's supposed to be a moment of high tension, but comes off deliciously as pure comedy)

The Bounty is a well filmed and acted movie, but the egos of the actors were more than even this ship could bare. That is why it is loaded with over the top lines that were over performed to the point where they became ridiculous. And if you are looking for native breasts (not the saggy knee slappers you catch in the National Geographic mind you), then the Bounty is the film for you.

Hamlin Grade: 6.5

Tit Counter

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat