Before filmmaking was transformed by the use of computer graphic special effects, stop motion photography and blue-screening were considered state of the art. In many ways that now deemed archaic technology was far superior. Models, spaceships and monsters had a greater sense of realism to them, because they lacked the polish that current computer graphics prides itself on eliminating. But in life, nothing is perfect….and Robot Jox is a film that falls very far from reaching that standard of perfection.

Robot Jox is one of the last pre-CGI films ever made. It takes full advantage of stop motion photography, and creates some of the finest action sequences between opposing giant robots ever to see the big screen. The Robots are clunky, slow, and sometime awkward, but for all intents and purposes, very realistic. The explosions are real and when the robots are destroyed on screen, it is because the filmmakers are actually blowing the ever-lovin’ shit out of them on the set (who uses the term ever-lovin shit anyway….so Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China).

The special effects in Robot Jox however is where the good in this movie ends…. And the bad begins!! When the entire budget of your film is dedicated to post production there is little left over for luxuries such as story, plot, direction, and actors. While most would turn their nose up at a film like this, we at Bad Movie Knights celebrate it.

The concept for Robot Jox is simple (it had to be because the retard that wrote it was all they could afford). It’s the future (post World War III….How many bad movies start with this original premise?), and war is outlawed. Nations now battle one another for territories through the use of giant robots….. champions that are piloted by Robot Jox… the best of the best… warriors in this case, not actors…. And not so much warriors.

So when the budget ran out, and they had to cast this piece of dick, which thespians did they secure? Out of work T.V. actors Gary Graham, Anne-Marie Johnson, and Paul Koslo! Who? Exactly mother fuckers! Exactly. Graham is probably most well known for playing Detective Matt Sikes in the Alien Nation T.V. series ( the role that James Caan pretty much layed the ground work for), Johnson is famous (famous ha ha, I called her famous!) for playing the wife of Raj on What’s Happening Now!…. The watered down aftermath of the popular television show What’s Happening!….. and Koslo has been the bad guy in just about every television program you can name since 1970. This triumvirate represents the foundation of acting in Robot Jox…. A very shaky foundation indeed. Let's face it, when the opening credits role and you respond to the actors names with "Who?" and "Wha?", assume that you are in for a rough ride.

Grahame plays Achilles, an old war-horse who is ready to retire after his 10th battle against his arch-nemesis Alexander (Koslo). We are to assume they are old rivals, but little in the way of character development (haha I said character development) is presented to us to help that theme along. Achilles is due to be replaced by Athena (Johnson) who is a new breed of genetically engineered soldier (by the way in the future we all wear spandex body suits, so camel toes male and female alike are abundant). Achilles falls for Athena (why I have no idea…. Fletch has more curves than this woman…. She looks as though she hasn’t eaten in over a decade….is it possible to have negative A cup breasts? Well, it is now). There is a fart of a hint at some developing romance between Achilles and Athena, but their chemistry was so awful, and their acting so horrendous it was hard to tell what emotions they were trying to convey. Alexander is perhaps the only interesting character in this movie.... and really that isn't saying a whole lot. Everytime someone in this movie spoke I just played with my balls till they were done. My hand was down my pants for over an hour.

For the most part the story just get’s in the way of this masterpiece. The director should have just made this flick 20 minutes long, cut out all of the talking, and he would have had a half way decent flick, but sadly this was not to be. What should have been a dramatic futuristic tale, loaded with espionage, some romance, mystery, and high action….is completely destroyed by the screenwriter, the actors, and the director. If you are wise, you will keep your hand on your remote (the one not on your sac) and jump ahead past the acting… no seriously keep advancing.

Imagine a healthy chunk of dog shit, wrapped in a candy coating with sprinkles and you have Robot Jox. Bad movie making at it’s finest.

Hamlin Grade: 6.5


Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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