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« July 2007 |
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| September 2007 »
 I know that I live on much in the same way that Obi Wan lives on in the Empire Strikes Back form, but I Chuck Bronson have had my heavenly peace disrupted by the most disgusting woman in the universe to ever have lived. Worse than Lorena Bobbitt, hey she was a victim of circumstance, worse than Marie Antoinette, she just had a foot fetish, worse than that racist bitch Rosie O'Donnell, Yes. This woman is worse than any woman that has ever lived.
I'm of course talking about Nancy Grace and her awful TV show which is Jerry Springer meets Bill O'Reily, only with a stinky cunt running the show. Nancy Grace is human garbage, plan and simple.
Nancy Grace of course has caused a woman to commit suicide, by taking cheap shots at her, she was oh so sure that the Duke Lacrosse team raped the stripper whom it was fairly obvious, was looking for a payout. But soiling the innocent's name, causing an unbalanced woman to commit suicide is nowhere near as disgusting as her whole stance on professional wrestling and her coverage of the Chris Benoit tragedy, in which her reporting (And I, Chuck Bronson will not say "Journalism") seems to be finger pointing with no real answers outside of this. She brings on "experts" who don't know anything and all she contributes to the conversation is sound and fury that always signifies nothing (As Billy Shakespeare put it), although I wish it was just fury that signified nothing, because the problem is it's far more cynical than that. It's artifical sound and fury signifying nothing manufactured to get more people to watch.
If there's anything a woman is afraid of is a threat to the good life they live away from the city, in a mediocre paradise they call the suburbs, however such a story scares them because a steroid freak who goes beserk and kills everyone is a red herring woman can appreciate fearing while they buy those things advertised on the televison, indeed most of the housewives watching have little to fear from their husbands, who have (a couple) spare tires. However the only thing a man fears is that his wife will find out that he's having fun somewhere without her and the nagging that will take place afterwards, however Nancy Grace somehow plays on both fears, where as a house wife watches to marvel at how close the violence is hitting toward home (You know, the suburbs away from all those foreigners.) the men can fear a woman who never stops nagging. Indeed Nancy Grace could be used as training for a man, after watching one hour of her nagging, his wife will seem like a teddy bear in the nagging stakes.
Nancy Grace being a nag, isn't the only problem, what makes her dim witted show so dangerous, is that it's a real life slippery slope in which the more people she convinces (Read housewives who want to keep their children from ever witnessing anything slightly offensive and shield them from reality) are the ones who make their voices heard the loudest. Whether it's Rosie O'Donnell on gun control, Tyra Banks on why men don't like fat chicks, or any of the unsightly "psychologists" who believe that porn and violent movies are the fundamental problem of why people are shooting up schools, their agenda is to take what, everybody else (Because women and men both love violent entertainment, which is why horror movies are so popular with the fairer sex.) loves so much, away.
Nancy Grace speaks to these moronic cunts and assholes (Because men are just as guilty as being assholes on this front, Fuck Joe Lieberman) she ends up trading in the stock to give a red herring for those who are looking for an excuse to take away our entertainment freedom and she then gives a voice to the paranoid who then erode sound logic and common sense, all needed to really solve problems. Because she does this for the money, this makes her far more despicable. At least the groups leading the march against violent media, porn, violence against animals (?) and so on do so because they believe it's right.
In a time where we go to war for ridiculous reasons, a time where people drown in hurricanes because nobody gives a shit (Especially the same people leading this crusade against the red herrings) and in a time where the Bush administration gets away with everything, providing a red herring is just downright evil. I mean after all, how can one feel right about banning violent entertainment, when our president and TV shows hype the violence all the time. Whether it's to get you to join the military or buy their products, it doesn't matter it can't be both ways.
So in all regards, Nancy Grace must be stopped. She is the fascist queen bitch that, the director of Ilsa:She Wolf of The S.S could never do justice to in a film.
Worst of all, she's annoying. Pregnant too, one can only weep for the child she carries and the horrible childhood he or she will live. The poor bastard.
Bronson's loose again.
 Gay Marriage.
Aside from a war against a country that did nothing to provoke the United States, Gay Marriage is probably one of the hottest topics to hit the headlines in recent memory. It is also a topic that completely baffles this former starship commander. Really there is a way to appease all parties in the argument, and having dealt with the no win scenario, I of course have that solution.
First off, let me address the homosexual community. Your group is protesting and battling for the right to be married. Am I hearing this right or have I lost my mind? Have you no idea of the freedom you currently possess? Fighting for the right to get married, is like fighting for the right to get kicked in the balls (which perhaps many of you enjoy on a daily basis in the comfort of your own gay homes). I guarantee you this, one day homosexuals will be allowed to join one another in the union of holy matrimony. It may take time, but it is inevitable. However I also promise you that 3 months after you win this privelege, gays across the country will collectively state "What the fuck did we do?" Marriage is not the paradise you all think it is.... trust me on this.... I myself have entered this partnership several times, and every time have found myself clawing the walls, looking for an escape. What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes and be able to say to my current girlfriends "Honey I love you, and I want nothing more than to put that love on a pedestal to be celebrated through marriage, but Damn this oppressive government!" However, because of my fiercely heterosexual lifestyle, it is just not an option for me. Think on this gay friends.
And to the gay haters. As I stated above, homosexual marriage will one day come. Gay men and women are not a figment of our imagination, they are in fact real. You assholes in the South still living in the pre-Civil War era need to update your brains and accept that fact. However there is a way for you to get some measure of retribution. Stop fighting Gay Marriage. Reverse your views entirely and support and encourage the concept. You have a new goal. Fight to prevent Gay Divorce. Wouldn't it make you grin just a little wider to know that the entire homosexual community was just as miserable as you.... every day of your married life? Unfortunately for them, there will be no escape.
Yes, I am a genius, and it was this genius that was able to defeat the genetically enhanced superior intelligence of Khan, save the planet Earth from alien humpback whales, and even slap god in the face when I wouldn't give him the key to my starship. This is your Captain's Log.
Sweet Bill
The Bounty is the true story of a mutiny, way back when England was still a super power on high seas... no I'm serious (I laughed my ass off at that too... try mastering dental hygiene next time).
The Bounty boasts an impressive cast that included relative newcomer and anti-semitic Mel Gibson, Sir Anthony Hopkins (although I don't believe he had received that ridiculous honor of being Knighted back then), Sir Laurence Olivier, Daniel Day-Lewis, and Liam Neeson.
This 1984 epic tells the tale of the famous vessel that travelled to the Far East to obtain bread fruit plants for their King. Lt. William Bligh (Hopkins) is obsessed with rounding Cape Horn, the Southern tip of South America a quicker route than the more travelled one around Africa, but a journey that is often avoided because of bad weather. Stubborn asshole that he is, Bligh puts his crew in danger in his attempt to round the Cape, but ultimately fails after some 2 months. Much to his dissapointment, he retreats from his quest, and decides to take the longer journey around Africa to reach his destination. Along the way, he berates, scolds, chastises, punishes, whips, tortures and administers discipline which he of course "applies with an even hand".
When they do arrive at their destination of Tahiti, the men are met with scores of naked Island women..... supple, freshly sun baked, caramel colored breasts as far as the eye can see.... women who's bodies have obviously been forged from a lifetime of aquatic activities.... in other words paradise (try to imagine an island populated with nothing but one thousand naked Patrick Swayze's and you will begin to understand the magnitude of this old world Club Med). The men enjoy their vacation from duty, and indulge themselves in the pleasures of the flesh to no end. All the men that is except for Bligh. Bligh apparently is not fond of native titties but instead desires the slender form of Mr. Fletcher Christian (ironic that it was my buddy Fletch who once described the Bounty as Bligh's battle with his own sexuality... and then returned to sipping from the next available cock).
Whatever his reason, Bligh determines that it is time for them to depart. Let's see, return to the open ocean, or remain on an island made of boobs? Tough choice. Leaving wasn't enough for Bligh however, as he felt his crew had lapsed so far from the standard of British sailors that he ruled over them with an iron fist. Pushed beyond the brink, the crew led by Mr. Christian eventually took the ship. Those not sympathetic to the cause, were banished to the sea with Bligh and many of the officers on board a small sailing boat.
The Bounty then split time between Christian, the mutineers and their boners as they returned to Tahiti, and Bligh and his band of unfortunates as they enjoyed the spoils of a sip of water and the random retarded pigeon that happened to get caught in their sails. While Bligh and his men did return safely home, what happened to Christian and his men is speculation. According to the film they found refuge on an island where they lived out their days fucking their brains out.
The greatest aspect of this movie is the language. Let me give the British some credit here. They know how to swear at one another, and do it in such a way that they sound dignified. By adding the term 'Sir' to any curse riddled declaration it almost sounds polite. Throughout the Bounty, you will be bombarded with statements like:
"Damn you Mr. Christian! Damn you sir!"
"Filth, sir! Filthy, Mr. Christian! Still filthy! Look!"
"Mr. Fryer, sir! Come back here!"
"By law, I am the first! Do you understand? God damn your height! And now you may dismiss, sir! "
"God damn your eyes, man! You turned your back on me!"
"I am in hell, sir! I am in hell!"
"He was insubordinate, cowardly and insubordinate, he frightened the men, I did not put that fear there, he did. So he will be lashed and we will go around the Horn. Are you frightened to go around the Horn, Mr. Christian? Are you a coward too, sir?" (probably one of the finest scenes in the movie as Hopkins mouth is spitting and smiling while his eye is twitching.... it's supposed to be a moment of high tension, but comes off deliciously as pure comedy)
The Bounty is a well filmed and acted movie, but the egos of the actors were more than even this ship could bare. That is why it is loaded with over the top lines that were over performed to the point where they became ridiculous. And if you are looking for native breasts (not the saggy knee slappers you catch in the National Geographic mind you), then the Bounty is the film for you.
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Tit Counter
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
I was extremely bored (I just got laid off and since i'm going back to college to live on the dorm in August, i'll be 25 hanging out with 18 year olds, so I'll have to show them how to drink and party, mainly causing i'm guessing they're strictly amatuers) Speaking of amateur, I just watched Howling II:Your Sister is a Werewolf. Now I did watch this series as a kid and felt quite funny inside whenever Sybil Danning showed those breasts of hers (I saw this like at 7 years old, so right there shows that my parents had great parenting skills.) However when I look back at it, wow what a stinker. I mean you just won't find a movie more badly made, horribly acted, incoherently written and just plain awful. There is actually a part where we see three werewolves engaged in a threesome, not to mention at least 10 times (during the end credits) where Sybil Danning rips her top off. (Which still left me feeling funny inside) What is most nerve racking is that this movie was compulsive in its awfulness, I really couldn't shut it off, I mean this thing was like a bad trip on acid, you just couldn't believe how inept and incompetent this thing was. Would you believe they have a midget who's eyes explode for no reason? Or the fact that the good guys have to plug their ears with holy wax? That werewolves have to be killed with titanium instead of silver (Which is a relief because Titanium is less expensive) that werewolves have orgies? And even more disturbing is that werewolves are fans of really bad 80s music, and even funnier is that the lead singer of the bad 80s group looks like the lead singer of The Fixx (Maybe you don't remember, after one thing leads to another.)
They seriously, and this is coming from a guy who enjoy the cinematic droppings of Michael Pare and Jan-Michael Vincent, they seriously, seriously DON'T GET ANY WORSE than this. I mean whoa momma, it's been a long time since i've seen a movie so awful.
The special effects are also truly awful, I mean we see a really bad alien styled rip off creature, climb out of a rubber head, all of this extremely obvious in its fakeness. Let's not even forget the ending which has Bad Movie Knight favorite Sybil Danning coming on to her screen brother Christopher Lee, for what is the most awkward climax ever. What this has to do with the original The Howling is anyone's guess, i'm guessing that Reb Brown (Another Bad Movie Favorite, did anyone else see the 70s Captain America movies?) and Sybil Danning thought this would help their careers, they were wrong. And the theme song just never stops playing. In fact I still have that song in my head. Howling II is really bad as sequels go, i'm frankly surprised that this gigantic drop in quality could even be allowed for a movie as respectable as the first Howling. All you need to know is that this has Reb Brown, Christopher Lee, Sybil Danning, lots of nudity, bad 80s music and awful special effects. This movie is the prime definition of cinematic abortion that should be avoided if you have taste in movies. (Thankfully My colleagues and I don't)
On the plus side It is very,very,very funny though. I mean seriously not since ROTOR have I chuckled so consistently throughout. So fun-bad is it, i'm surprised Jan-Michael Vincent wasn't in it.
I give it a high rating, not that it's a guilty pleasure, but because it's just so damn hilarious, it's everything you could hope for in a bad movie, The only reason it doesn't earn higher is because I don't like handing out 10s for nothing.
Hamlin Grade: 9
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
Before filmmaking was transformed by the use of computer graphic special effects, stop motion photography and blue-screening were considered state of the art. In many ways that now deemed archaic technology was far superior. Models, spaceships and monsters had a greater sense of realism to them, because they lacked the polish that current computer graphics prides itself on eliminating. But in life, nothing is perfect….and Robot Jox is a film that falls very far from reaching that standard of perfection.
Robot Jox is one of the last pre-CGI films ever made. It takes full advantage of stop motion photography, and creates some of the finest action sequences between opposing giant robots ever to see the big screen. The Robots are clunky, slow, and sometime awkward, but for all intents and purposes, very realistic. The explosions are real and when the robots are destroyed on screen, it is because the filmmakers are actually blowing the ever-lovin’ shit out of them on the set (who uses the term ever-lovin shit anyway….so Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China).
The special effects in Robot Jox however is where the good in this movie ends…. And the bad begins!! When the entire budget of your film is dedicated to post production there is little left over for luxuries such as story, plot, direction, and actors. While most would turn their nose up at a film like this, we at Bad Movie Knights celebrate it.
The concept for Robot Jox is simple (it had to be because the retard that wrote it was all they could afford). It’s the future (post World War III….How many bad movies start with this original premise?), and war is outlawed. Nations now battle one another for territories through the use of giant robots….. champions that are piloted by Robot Jox… the best of the best… warriors in this case, not actors…. And not so much warriors.
So when the budget ran out, and they had to cast this piece of dick, which thespians did they secure? Out of work T.V. actors Gary Graham, Anne-Marie Johnson, and Paul Koslo! Who? Exactly mother fuckers! Exactly. Graham is probably most well known for playing Detective Matt Sikes in the Alien Nation T.V. series ( the role that James Caan pretty much layed the ground work for), Johnson is famous (famous ha ha, I called her famous!) for playing the wife of Raj on What’s Happening Now!…. The watered down aftermath of the popular television show What’s Happening!….. and Koslo has been the bad guy in just about every television program you can name since 1970. This triumvirate represents the foundation of acting in Robot Jox…. A very shaky foundation indeed. Let's face it, when the opening credits role and you respond to the actors names with "Who?" and "Wha?", assume that you are in for a rough ride.
Grahame plays Achilles, an old war-horse who is ready to retire after his 10th battle against his arch-nemesis Alexander (Koslo). We are to assume they are old rivals, but little in the way of character development (haha I said character development) is presented to us to help that theme along. Achilles is due to be replaced by Athena (Johnson) who is a new breed of genetically engineered soldier (by the way in the future we all wear spandex body suits, so camel toes male and female alike are abundant). Achilles falls for Athena (why I have no idea…. Fletch has more curves than this woman…. She looks as though she hasn’t eaten in over a decade….is it possible to have negative A cup breasts? Well, it is now). There is a fart of a hint at some developing romance between Achilles and Athena, but their chemistry was so awful, and their acting so horrendous it was hard to tell what emotions they were trying to convey. Alexander is perhaps the only interesting character in this movie.... and really that isn't saying a whole lot. Everytime someone in this movie spoke I just played with my balls till they were done. My hand was down my pants for over an hour.
For the most part the story just get’s in the way of this masterpiece. The director should have just made this flick 20 minutes long, cut out all of the talking, and he would have had a half way decent flick, but sadly this was not to be. What should have been a dramatic futuristic tale, loaded with espionage, some romance, mystery, and high action….is completely destroyed by the screenwriter, the actors, and the director. If you are wise, you will keep your hand on your remote (the one not on your sac) and jump ahead past the acting… no seriously keep advancing.
Imagine a healthy chunk of dog shit, wrapped in a candy coating with sprinkles and you have Robot Jox. Bad movie making at it’s finest.
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
There was a song that came out when I was 16 years old, that I loved but never got around to buying. I always thought the song was called "I've been downhearted baby" only the real song is called "Standing Outside a Phonebooth" and the song somehow defines my depressing teenhood and my even more depressing adulthood. However i'm not the only one who's been downhearted, as Jean-Claude Van Damme has been downhearted baby, ever since the day he got shot in the head and his wife was pregnant with another man's child. So in other words Jean-Claude Van Damme is downhearted in Until Death. (Maybe if Primative Radio Gods should try and write music for Van Damme's dramatic career!)
Anyway Van Damme really pulls the stops out for this movie, I mean he really plays a character who really is not unlike the Jean-Claude we all remember. Jean-Claude plays a junkie cop who basically beats up people and single mindedly dogs an enemy he hates. (He's been doing this in movies since I don't know since Cyborg...) This is how downhearted Van Damme is, so downhearted he is Van Damme that he actually gets captured like three times and gets the shit beaten out of him and then gets told off by a hooker for Van Dammering her ring of fire. (He fucks her in the ass in an admittedly hot little scene, although for the woman as Van Damme looks like a methed out version of his former self.) Anyway Until Death is like Hard To Kill, with Van Damme pretty much looking for redemption and finding a creative way to explain that accent of his. In that because his character has been shot in the head (Later in the film) or doped up beyond recognition (Early in the film) , for once Jean-Claude's slurred speech, dumber than a rock demeanor and tough guy approach is for once convincing. And in Until Death he pulls off the Ironside agenda, which of course is astonishing in itself, but what really raised the eyebrow is how much he pulled it off with ease.
Stephen Rea is a great actor, but not in this movie. His character comes off like a gay fashion designer who does all these evil deeds not because he's evil but because he wants to get caught and go to prison. In other words he's a horrible bad guy, badly underwritten and not at all a threat against Jean-Claude Van Damme. (Once you've taken down Dolph Lundgren, Lance Henriksen, Ron Silver, Powers Boothe, Bolo Yeung and yourself (Twice) there's nothing you can't do.) Rea is apparently an ex-cop who now is like a mobster and kills many people, and we know this because we get endless sequences of newspapers showing deaths of random unnamed people, and then the images of the victims tied up and getting executed. We see this far too many times and it does nothing but pad out time. (Sort of like how Cyborg has endless repetitive flashbacks that never add anything to the movie.)
The woman who plays Van Damme's wife is somehow the most unbelievable character. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Van Damme's character, you know one of the reasons why I admire Van Damme is that he has sex scenes with women are really hot. For instance Mia Sara (From Ferris Bueller), Rosanna Arquette, Natasha Henstridge and Ming Na Wen (Okay there was no sex scene in Street Fighter, but there should've been, that way the movie would've just been merely dreadful.) all hot love interests, however the woman here? No thanks, and her walking out on Van Damme and his depression? Come on where is the Jean-Claude Van Damme that would just laugh and say, go the fuck away i'll go get myself some Mia Sara then, i'm Jean-Claude Van Damme bitch! Instead he gets all sad and even tries to play romantic. Which Van Damme is totally convincing doing since he's playing a brain damaged ex-junkie who's trying to wax romantic, so I totally bought it. However what I couldn't buy was that even a brain damaged ex-junkie would jump through hoops to prove his worth to a woman who clearly isn't up to his Timecop standards.
He also has to save his wife in the climax, but where as I was convinced that it would well be worth saving Mia Sara or Rosanna Arquette, not so this time. I mean look at her, not only is she not that attractive, she wanted to leave you and had an affair with another man. The action sequences are consisted of shootouts which are only okay and sadly Van Damme doesn't fight like the way he did when I was a teenager.
Until Death however is a depature for Van Damme, no longer is this the greatest ass kicking belgian who does the splits but rather an actor trying to find the right role in which his talent credibly fills out. And as a doped up, brain damaged and viscous bastard. Van Damme has finally found the role he was born to play, well by that I mean a role that requires you to talk with a slurred accent, look doe-eyed and be mean. For once it's convincing and I anoint Van Damme with high marks on his performance (He did get the Ironside agenda) and give his movie a recommendation. It does posess all the entertainment value that all of his movies posess. And indeed while you can take the bad movie out of an actor, you can't take the actor out of a bad movie.
Now if Van Damme wants to win an oscar he needs to play a retarded man, and after witnessing his performance here, i'm fairly certain he has the chops to give Forrest Gump a run for the money.
P.S. Forrest Gump is the worst movie ever made.
Hamlin Grade: 7
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
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