I must admit that I was never a huge fan of Transformers growing up. Sure I had a few toys and stuff but I was more into the Ninja Turtles as a kid (Cause I was 8 in 1989 and I was only 4 when this came out.) That being said Transformers:The Movie is a movie brought to life to sell toys and thankfully provide adults with the bad movie fun of seeing such stars as Eric Idle, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack and (especially) Orson Welles slum for an easy paycheck. I would normally say Judd Nelson also but because this movie is one of his few high points in his filmography (and seriously did anyone here (even at Bad Movie Knights and Twisted Edge) watch Conflict Of Interest, Cabin By The Lake, Blue City and Blindfold Acts of Obsession? I thought not. And yes I did.) So with such star power the greatest thing ever took place. We got the greatest movie ever inspired by a toyline. (Seriously Masters Of The Universe sucked hard even if it had contained brilliant (bad) acting from Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Meg Foster and (worse of all) Courteney Cox) G.I Joe: The Movie was utterly unwatchable and the Ninja Turtles were originally based on a comicbook which is why the first movie is actually pretty decent. So with that all said and done Transformers:The Movie is the best movie to ever be based on a toyline.

However Transformers:The Movie may perhaps be the worst movie to ever get a 20th aniversary edition. I mean seriously, did we need something in big letters saying that this was the 20th aniversary edition, especially when the movie is about stupid ass cars turning into stupid ass robots and dinosaurs. I mean wouldn't a DVD release be enough? Guess not.

Describing the plot of this movie is nearly impossible because I for one couldn't connect with who was who and follow the logic of what was going on. However it's about a society of morphing machines who are at war. There are autobots and deceptabots (Spelling? Ah, who gives a shit?) For reasons unknown, so Unicrom (Voiced by Citizen Kane himself) a powerful robots who destorys planets for reasons unknown wages war and only the matrix can stop him. Actually the matrix is never explained (Kinda like The Matrix movie.) but apparently it's a blue light that gives the right transmorpher the power to destroy evil. Once again as some one indifferent to the Transformer series, this is embarrassingly awful writing. Even for a children cartoon.

However there are some classic moments, For instance Casey Kasem's voiced robot says "Shit!" when Unicrom (Voiced by Orson Welles, I still can't believe it.) captures him. Judd Nelson talks constant gibberish, you think he's the main hero of the movie but then he disappears so long and does nothing all that heroic or for that breaks a sweat in combat. Indeed what this movie needed was a training montage, mainly so we would know who the hero was and would sense that he really needed to whip his ass in shape for the overwhelming odds against him. I mean seriously he even had Stan Bush on the soundtrack (Stan Bush who would later go on to do the work that people thousands of years from now will remember him for, his work on the Kickboxer and Bloodsport soundtracks that made Jean-Claude Van Damme's muscled torso a cultural phenomenon and not Jeff Fahey.) So where's the training montage?

The animation is well done, even if the story makes little logical or dramatic sense on any levels. There are some nice shots that would put anime to shame (Not that it doesn't already, since Anime is for losers who don't understand that they're missing life's parade, in that they could be watching movies with Jean-Claude Van Damme.) However some of the colors are nifty, the voices rarely match the machine's lips (?) and therefore this is a must see to watch high on mushrooms or drunk off your ass. Ooooh the colors!

Transformers:The Movie is the pinnacle of bad movie knight magic. The type of movie that kids should like today, instead of all the wussed out Spongebob Squarepants bullcrap. Whatever happened to watching and enjoying ridiculous violent entertainment? Stupid ass kids, you're a far cry from the greatness that us kids were and that goes double for the entertainment that we availed ourselves into. How did we go from asskicking turtles and asskicking machines to a sponge that lives under a pineapple who is a complete retard? What's next a TV show about how to be a hopeless nerd who takes his wedgies with dignity? Seriously us kids would've totally kicked the asses of today's children. I mean we all had ADD and aggression. An aggression that wouldn't be relieved until we witnessed violent mass destruction.

Of course like Stan Bush we went onto better things (Jean-Claude Van Damme movies of course) but I'd like to think that movies like Transformers were our training montage for bigger and better things.

So go out and get emerge yourself into the glory days of when kids entertainment was silly, cheesy and violent, the way it used to be and should be. I think as generations come and go, I'll be telling my grandkids about the way it used to be. Before Al Sharpton and Nancy Grace made this country into the worthless society devoid of what has entertained us since the caveman days. And if you choose not to see Transformers:The Movie, just know that you're letting the terrorists win. And do you really want to take a chance on a society run by Nancy Grace?

I'll let you make the final decision on that.

Hamlin Grade: 8.5

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer