REVIEW: The Punisher
Let's face it, Stan Lee is a complete moron. Gary Conway is a complete moron. Conway actually went on record to say that Dolph Lundgren as a The Punisher was a bad choice. Why is Conway a moron? Because his creation is nothing more than a lame ass version of Death Wish, which needs someone like Lundgren (Or better yet Bronson) to actually fill the role convincingly. (See Thomas Jane. Ugh) and he' s just a standard viglante except the hero in question wears a stupid uniform that looks incredibly gay. (Ooh a skull, looks more like a guy trying to fit in at the local leather bar than anything else.) Stan Lee is of course a moron because he has for some reason found it necessary to include himself in a cameo in almost every single comicbook adaptation ever. Can we say ego?
Thankfully The Punisher starring Dolph Lundgren is Stan Lee cameo free. Also thankfully it has little to do with the horrendous comic that spawned it. Ooh he's a vigilante in a skull t-shirt who shoots people. The Punisher comic itself is a rip off of Death Wish, except where as Death Wish was cool and for people who actually live outside mom's basement, The Punisher comic was for acne infested morons who's closest action ever gotten from a woman, is the time the female cashier told him to have a nice day. Thankfully the movie starring Dolph Lundgren, is for cool people as well, in that it is nothing more than Dolph Lundgren dressed in black killing Japanese and Italian mobsters. How much action is there? So much that for 92 minutes at least 5 people are killed a minute in this bone crushing classic.
Lundgren plays an ex-cop who then turns vigilante. Louis Gossett Jr is his old partner who believe Lundgren is indeed The Punisher. Despite the obvious fact that Dolph Lundgren is 6'5 and is pretty hard to miss, although somehow the bad guys have an even harder time missing him when they shoot at him. It's all a straight forward 80s actioner and the perfect example of a comicbook movie. In that things are violent, children are smacked (And are almost sold into slavery), nannies are shot, people are tortured and Lundgren stabs a lot of people.
Now this movie divided its audience (And it did too, because the only people who don't like it are basement geeks still hoping that their 39th birthday will lead to their first kiss that they don't have to pay for.) and I don't understand why, this movie is nothing but simple action with no pretense at anything else. It's Dolph Lundgren at his best and it contains very good action. (People who say the action is bad, are people who lie.) Now of course there are those who like both the comic and this movie, and indeed it's easy to tell who, because you can smell the scent of a woman nearby, however for someone like me who actually spent their teenage youth kicking ass in the ring and getting pussy, this is the perfect adaptation of a comicbook because I have no idea what it gets right or wrong with the comic nor do I care. Please note that i'm not afraid of you fanboys, i'm not the 110 pound girl that you stalk on regular intervals, I will kick your ass if I notice you following me and I will run you down with my truck if you start chucking your action figures at me while i'm driving.
Hell even Dolph Lundgren's biggest detractor Part Time Ninja loves this movie, because Dolph shows his ass (Think Van Damn!) not once but twice, indeed the people watching this movie with PTN at the time, felt the room get a little hotter after that scene. Me on other hand, i'll pass, I'll stick to Van Damme when it comes to gratuitous nudity. It's just kinkier that way.
On the other hand when it comes to non-stop action, Dolph Lundgren actually giving a good performance and watching Louis Gossett Jr and Jeroen Krabbe (The guy who was in a real James Bond movie with the real James Bond, Timothy Dalton) treat this thing like Shakespeare, and if you really love a movie where everybody sooner or later gets a boot to the head. Seriously, i've yet to see a movie where more people face head trauma due to people wacking each other.(Although more wacking was probably going on at PTN's house) Then The Punisher is indeed not only a must for Bad Movie Knights, but a must for anyone as well.
Oh and avoid the remake, this version featured a complete pussy in the role, seriously Roger Moore was more masculine than Thomas Jane, and while in that movie there is thankfully no cameo from Stan Lee, there is unfortunately John Travolta and Rebecca Romijn and that's just no damn good.
Once again, the winning math formula for this classic is, 92 minutes of pure ass kicking bliss+Dolph Lundgren+Louis Gossett Jr.+Jeroen Krabbe+Tons of kids getting beaten up+Ninjas+Van Damn!+Fast pace -Stan Lee cameo=A great way to spend 90 minutes in front of the boob tube. Need I say more.
Hamlin Grade: 8
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
Comments
First off... I'm one of those fanboys who love the comic book, and thinks the original Punisher (Dolph version) is far superior to that piece of shit remake with Thomas Jane.
Secondly, and here's where I put my geek hat on and pull out my 12 sided die.....The Punisher and Death Wish were both born in 1974. The Punisher however predates the movie Death Wish by 6 months. The comic character made his first appearance in Amazing Spiderman #129, February 1974.... Charlie Bronson, hack that he was clearly copied the comic book character and came out with his film Death Wish that very same year in July.
So in fact it is Death Wish that copied the comic character and not the other way around..... you may begin sucking that dick now....Lundgren's or Van Damme's.
Posted by: pat | July 27, 2007 03:57 PM
Ah yes, but the novel came out way before the comic, since Brian Garfield made wrote it back in the 70s.
You may suck on that...
Posted by: Ryan | July 27, 2007 10:50 PM
In fact Garfield wrote it in the late 60s. Piss on that turd!
Posted by: Ryan | July 27, 2007 10:51 PM
Last but not least, Death Wish was most likely in production BEFORE the comic. Yeah, you have been offically owned. Next time don't taunt a man who's been drinking.
Posted by: Ryan | July 27, 2007 10:59 PM
Frank Castle kicked the shit out of Spiderman.... Charles Bronson managed to best a young Jeff Goldblum..... on your knees sir.
Tell me you read the Death Wish novel!?!
Tell me after the you saw the movie you were that guy who said 'The book was WAAAAY better'.
Posted by: pat | July 28, 2007 12:15 AM
I wholeheartedly agree that the Dolph version was better than the Jane version.
Btw, the main issue the fanboys had was that the Punisher wasn't wearing his skull shirt. According to legend, Stan Lee realized it was a mistake and ordered it put back in but it was too cost-prohibitive to reshoot the scenes. I suppose some fanboy will CGI a skull shirt at some point.
Posted by: Walt C | July 28, 2007 12:24 AM
You obviously didn't see Death Wish 3 Pat!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kh2CSXUQbns
Greatness it is.
As for the book, I'll concede, the book sucked compared to the movie.
Posted by: Ryan | July 28, 2007 01:41 AM
Thomas Jane is a pussy... and so are you RYAN!!!
Posted by: pat | July 30, 2007 09:34 PM
Despite the fact that I was once a state kickboxing champ, I finished a fight (That I won) with a sprained angle and that I worked summers swinging pickaxes on construction jobs when I was 18 and 19.
While you reading these silly comicbooks and vicariously kicking ass through them, I was actually kicking ass and getting pussy. Of course the latter is a foreign concept to you, but hey i'm sure the image of Electra got you through many lonely nights.
Speaking of bad, for some freakin reason they keep playing this horseshit on FX all the time. You would think they would've gone for a dominatrix style actress who you know would be down for anything (You know someone like Patricia Arquette or Angelina Jolie, but they went for Jennifer Gardner who is just too girl next door for me.
I personally like a chick who is batshit insane, someone like Bjork, Sean Young and Erika Eleniak. Although Elisha Culthbert looks to have that crazy edge that turns me on.
Posted by: Ryan | July 30, 2007 11:48 PM
I remember a comic book published in the 90's called 'Punisher Kills The Marvel Universe.' Basically Punisher goes apeshit and murders every single Marvel character, just for kicks.
Your amusing little debait reminded me somehow of a scene where Venom and Spinderpants are fighting in a sewer. Frankie Boy Castle casually marches in, electricutes the water, and fries both those fuckers shitless. Somehow Spiderpants survives this, but not to worry - Punisher is not sated.
"Why me?" mumbles the partially melted superhero.
"Somebody had to be first" says Punisher, before placing the barrel of a gun next to his temple and blasting that webslinging bastard all over the wall.
Aah, simpler times...
Posted by: Part-time Ninja | July 31, 2007 03:57 AM
Screw the superheroes, it's all about Jan-Michael Vincent he's far tougher than any superhero alive. Why? Because he did more drugs that would put Rick James and Keith Richards to shame, and yet he's 63 and still the junkie he was at 20. That's true superpower.
Posted by: Ryan | July 31, 2007 01:07 PM
I still thinks the Thomas Jane version is way better than this crap. To every one who really likes this one you must be on something really bad.
Posted by: Mick | May 14, 2008 10:29 AM