REVIEW: The Punisher
Let's face it, Stan Lee is a complete moron. Gary Conway is a complete moron. Conway actually went on record to say that Dolph Lundgren as a The Punisher was a bad choice. Why is Conway a moron? Because his creation is nothing more than a lame ass version of Death Wish, which needs someone like Lundgren (Or better yet Bronson) to actually fill the role convincingly. (See Thomas Jane. Ugh) and he' s just a standard viglante except the hero in question wears a stupid uniform that looks incredibly gay. (Ooh a skull, looks more like a guy trying to fit in at the local leather bar than anything else.) Stan Lee is of course a moron because he has for some reason found it necessary to include himself in a cameo in almost every single comicbook adaptation ever. Can we say ego?
Thankfully The Punisher starring Dolph Lundgren is Stan Lee cameo free. Also thankfully it has little to do with the horrendous comic that spawned it. Ooh he's a vigilante in a skull t-shirt who shoots people. The Punisher comic itself is a rip off of Death Wish, except where as Death Wish was cool and for people who actually live outside mom's basement, The Punisher comic was for acne infested morons who's closest action ever gotten from a woman, is the time the female cashier told him to have a nice day. Thankfully the movie starring Dolph Lundgren, is for cool people as well, in that it is nothing more than Dolph Lundgren dressed in black killing Japanese and Italian mobsters. How much action is there? So much that for 92 minutes at least 5 people are killed a minute in this bone crushing classic.
Lundgren plays an ex-cop who then turns vigilante. Louis Gossett Jr is his old partner who believe Lundgren is indeed The Punisher. Despite the obvious fact that Dolph Lundgren is 6'5 and is pretty hard to miss, although somehow the bad guys have an even harder time missing him when they shoot at him. It's all a straight forward 80s actioner and the perfect example of a comicbook movie. In that things are violent, children are smacked (And are almost sold into slavery), nannies are shot, people are tortured and Lundgren stabs a lot of people.
Now this movie divided its audience (And it did too, because the only people who don't like it are basement geeks still hoping that their 39th birthday will lead to their first kiss that they don't have to pay for.) and I don't understand why, this movie is nothing but simple action with no pretense at anything else. It's Dolph Lundgren at his best and it contains very good action. (People who say the action is bad, are people who lie.) Now of course there are those who like both the comic and this movie, and indeed it's easy to tell who, because you can smell the scent of a woman nearby, however for someone like me who actually spent their teenage youth kicking ass in the ring and getting pussy, this is the perfect adaptation of a comicbook because I have no idea what it gets right or wrong with the comic nor do I care. Please note that i'm not afraid of you fanboys, i'm not the 110 pound girl that you stalk on regular intervals, I will kick your ass if I notice you following me and I will run you down with my truck if you start chucking your action figures at me while i'm driving.
Hell even Dolph Lundgren's biggest detractor Part Time Ninja loves this movie, because Dolph shows his ass (Think Van Damn!) not once but twice, indeed the people watching this movie with PTN at the time, felt the room get a little hotter after that scene. Me on other hand, i'll pass, I'll stick to Van Damme when it comes to gratuitous nudity. It's just kinkier that way.
On the other hand when it comes to non-stop action, Dolph Lundgren actually giving a good performance and watching Louis Gossett Jr and Jeroen Krabbe (The guy who was in a real James Bond movie with the real James Bond, Timothy Dalton) treat this thing like Shakespeare, and if you really love a movie where everybody sooner or later gets a boot to the head. Seriously, i've yet to see a movie where more people face head trauma due to people wacking each other.(Although more wacking was probably going on at PTN's house) Then The Punisher is indeed not only a must for Bad Movie Knights, but a must for anyone as well.
Oh and avoid the remake, this version featured a complete pussy in the role, seriously Roger Moore was more masculine than Thomas Jane, and while in that movie there is thankfully no cameo from Stan Lee, there is unfortunately John Travolta and Rebecca Romijn and that's just no damn good.
Once again, the winning math formula for this classic is, 92 minutes of pure ass kicking bliss+Dolph Lundgren+Louis Gossett Jr.+Jeroen Krabbe+Tons of kids getting beaten up+Ninjas+Van Damn!+Fast pace -Stan Lee cameo=A great way to spend 90 minutes in front of the boob tube. Need I say more.
Hamlin Grade: 8
-Board certified professional safety dancer