According to many people who have encountered this movie, Hostel is allegedly disturbing, scary and shocking. It isn't. One thing it also isn't, is all that watchable. Of course i'm not going to get politically correct because I wasn't offended or even grossed out. Just bored by it.

The slim story is about a three frat boy styled Americans who travel to Europe to party. In Amsterdam they're told that Slovakia is far more fun (Yeah right) , tons of horny women are there and it's the garden of eden. Of course the old saying "Too good to be true" doesn't seem to have been learned by our moronic trio, so they head out to Slovakia and get tortured there. That's about all there is to the narrative of Hostel.

One of my biggest pet peeves are when protagonists are smug and idiotic. I mean Slovakia a bigger party town than Amsterdam? Also who just trusts someone with an offer that is too good to be true? I mean haven't these characters ever bought a car? Well we definitely know these frat boys aren't from the big city. I mean how naive does one have to be to take some stranger's word (Let alone a guy from Amstersdam, that's like trusting some random guy from Bangkok.) that such a hotel is the party capitol of the world.

One of the dullest things about Hostel, is just how predictable it all is. Also for a movie that is supposedly a horror movie, the movie spends little time actually giving the audience the splatter that one would assume that such a title contains. Indeed the first hour is non-stop frat boy partying and naked chicks. Actually the naked chicks are the only thing that provides one with the little entertainment value this movie has. Then things (finally) start happening and once again our lone protagonist doesn't figure out that sometimes it's wise to get out while the getting is good. I mean when two of your friends disappear, I think it's time to go back to Holland. Once again the protagonists have an I.Q lower than a box of hammers.

Then the torture begins and it's really not that disturbing as people would have you believe. I mean i'll admit the eyeball sequence is gross but outside of that, there isn't anything here that wasn't done in the 70s and the only real reason people think of it as disturbing is because most horror movies of today are PG-13 processed crap that lacks the edge of even the worst 80s slasher flick. So of course the hype surrounding it is going to be there, I mean when comparing the genre standards. However for people who have seen 70's exploitation flicks, Hostel is just a waste of time. Hostel doesn't have the sick shock effect of an I Spit On Your Grave and it certainly doesn't have the suspense of a good horror flick.

So in other words, all Hostel is, is hype. A movie with no surprises, no suspense, no story and no entertainment. If gore is your thing rent Hellraiser, if disturbing is what you want, rent Last House On The Left. If edgy horror is what you seek, rent something from the 70s or 80s. However if it is unpleasant boredom you search for, then you may want to check out Hostel.

Hamlin Grade: 2

Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer