REVIEW: 300
Can you say sausage fest?
300 is a bad movie. Yes it's loaded with action. Loaded with battle scenes. Loaded with special effects. So why is it a bad movie? Because it is also loaded with cock.
When the armies of Xerxes decides to annex Sparta, and the Spartan soothsayers forbid Leonidus from going to war, he and 300 of his soldiers jump into their speedos, grab their spears (no pun intended) and shields, don their red capes and saunter off to the battlefield. What follows is 2 hours of Greco-Brokeback Mountain-Wrestling between these combatants armed only with their courage and the best abdominal muscles the computer graphics world could supply (my thoughts and prayers go out to the poor bastard who had to sit for the better part of 8 years digitally enhancing abs while his peers created spaceships, monsters, and cityscapes dotted with a giant ape).
The novelty of the grand battle sequence is truly over. Ever since Mel Gibson whipped out his Braveheart and slaughtered the English, every director in Hollywood (and a scant few in New Zealand) has clambered to reproduce that same effort. Some have succeeded, but most have failed. 300 to it's credit, does offer a new look at the giant battle scene, but after several hours of this monotony, it too becomes a parody of itself. What you are ultimately left with is a bunch of guys in capes and g-strings dancing around fighting a losing battle until they all die.
300 is visually entertaining, and the Director does manage to toss a few breasts our way but they are few and far between and hardly serve to balance the heaving pile of penis this movie throws your way. From what I've read in the history books, these guys actually fought in the buff, so the speedos and capes were creative license taken by the films director. For that I bless him with a Hamlin. Otherwise, that CGI guy would have been digitally enhancing cock for a decade..... and we would have been forced to swallow... I mean watch it.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Comments
Strange. After the massive cult hit that was Sin City, Hollywood scrambled around the thrusting nuts of legendary comic author Frank Miller, grasping for another hit.
The man has done much work over the years, including a graphic novel I shoplifted aged 15 in which Batman, aged in his 50's, comes back from retirement, shoots the living shit out of a bunch of skinheads with a tank, and violently strangles The Joker to death. This is widely considered the greatest Batman adventure of all time. And that's just one of the man's many works.
So as to why the fuck Hollywood's producers decided that a mediocre Men In Silly Capes Stabbing Each Other book was the way forward is anyone's guess. Maybe they have a craving for frenzied masturbation over there or something.
Mind you, the film made more money than God, so who the fuck am I to judge?
Posted by: Part-time Ninja | June 13, 2007 09:58 AM
I haven't seen the film yet, but I do know one thing--it was Frank Miller that took some creative license with the costuming in the first place. Real Spartan armour was full metal breast plates and leg protection behind solid shields; these were the best warriors of their days that knew the value of body cover (although apparently their Olympic games were played naked, so there you go).
The closest to (Europeans) fighting naked were the stupid Celts in England thinking that the Romans could never penetrate their clever armour of...body paint. Gee, why do so many English places have Roman names now?
Posted by: Sean | June 13, 2007 10:10 AM
Oh, come on now Pat, we all know that this review is just a "beard" for you and your attraction to oily, buff men in combat. So I'm taking everything you wrote in this review and believing that you actually think just the opposite.
Posted by: Duges | June 13, 2007 12:28 PM
Duggan.... your comments are much like the number of reviews you have written..... pathetic.
Posted by: pat | June 13, 2007 05:49 PM
Fantastic. Trust Americans to side step all historical debaits as to the accuracy of the film, the heroic actions of those involved and the historical impact of the events portrayed versus their actual recorded significance.
Instead we have a bunch of yanks discussing whether or not you could see the Spartan's dicks. Seek therapy.
Posted by: Part-time Ninja | June 14, 2007 04:21 AM
Nice review
Posted by: santaram | June 25, 2007 07:28 AM
I'm glad there are other people out there who didn't like this movie. I feel like everyone loves it and I don't get it! With lines like "freedom isn't free," 300 makes me want to stab myself.
Posted by: ryan | June 25, 2007 09:51 PM