The impossible has happened. I've discovered another Swayze Gauge! For those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon (click the fucking link and read about it dipshits) allow me to elaborate....

The Swayze Gauge is a simple, yet fool proof test designed to determine an individual's sexuality.... an exam carefully administered through the viewing of the Patrick Swayze classic Roadhouse. An exam which I've taken many times.... the results of which I prefer to keep to myself.

The Transporter 2 delivers unto us another example of the sexuality tester. Plastered across the screen from beginning to end is the tightly sculpted form of one Jason Stratham, dressed to kill throughout, and brandishing an English accent (no one's perfect, thankfully Mr. Stratham is actually American and just put on the silly accent for the sake of the character) and daring throughout to have imaginations. Like the then Dr. Lecter asking Clarice, Mr. Stratham dares you to fantasize about sexual scenarios. Oh yeah. He can smell your cunt.

Let's get to the story, which is simple but perfect. Jason Stratham plays driver Frank Martin (much more than just a driver if you saw the first one, if you didn't then I guess you are shit out of luck), a total bad ass, who has a military past of some sort now specializes in 'transporting' packages. Frank has travelled from France to Miami and is filling in for a friend as the driver for a high profile government official's son. The government dude is played adequately by Matthew Modine (who gets alot of wet dreams from working out still to this day.... or from dreaming about wrestling with Kuch) is a Drug Czar and as he implements harsher anti-drug policies his son quickly becomes a target by Drug lords everywhere. Needless to say the son get's kidnapped and Frank is the only one who can save the day.

What makes the Transporter 2 very cool is that movie is filmed like a live action version of the video game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The home of Matthew Modine is actually the same home that you take over as the character in the game. Pretty sweet. Throw in a shitload of ridiculous car chases (Frank's car is awesome, it is like a James Bond special, and he drives the shit out of it), outstanding fight sequences and never ending gun battles that require no reloading and you have the makings of a great bad movie.

Throughout most of Transporter 2, Frank is continuously engaged by an assasin named Lola. Lola wears nothing but a pair of panties and bra, which is the preferred garb of the female mercenary. However her nakedness did little to bring my gaze from the warm physique of Jason Stratham, unless she was standing directly in front him.... which I found irritating rather than arousing.

If you are confident in your sexuality, and think you can handle the power of the Stratham.... then Transporter 2 is your movie. If you aren't certain of your sexuality then Transporter 2 is without a doubt the movie for you.

Hamlin Grade: 6

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat