When I looked into the abyss of doom, I saw a pair of eyes that knew my every being, a pair of eyes that knew what true evil was and what brutality could be unleashed. The abyss of doom, in other words, was my BMD (Bad Movie Disorder) and the eyes of evil looking at me were those of Lorenzo Lamas and he was promising me impact of the final kind.

I immediately figured out that the movie was a documentary on the last dump he took after a bad case of constipation, however, I wasn't 100% wrong because if there's anything Final Impact is about, it's constipation: The constipation of one man and his attempt to sell himself as a more fabulous looking Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Has there ever been an action star more gay than Lorenzo Lamas? I mean, I admit that Jean-Claude Van Damme's constant posing can be ridiculous, though he at least exuded a manliness that convinced me that yes, while in prison, Van Damme can hold his own against those who might try and make him their bitch.

Lorenzo Lamas, however, lacks that quality as he is far too pretty boy-ish to kick ass and I think it speaks for itself why Lamas has never starred in a prison movie. Why this guy makes movies that sell reasonably well on DVD is anyone's guess. But I have a theory.

Homosexuals.

Homosexuals watch action movies, too, and although I don't know many homosexuals aside from the obvious closet-talk from fellow COF reviewer Yi-Long, I'm guessing this is the one market that supports Lamas and his never ending quest to provide hard-hitting action while looking prettier than his female co-stars.

However, for the straight action movie fan, one is left with the fact that we have a hero that seems more interested in how much hair gel he wears rather than kicking ass. You know people have accused me of having sexist views on today’s action movies because I generally hate action movies that star women. I think an action star should be tough. Sigourney Weaver? Tough. Uma Thurman? TOUGH. But if she’s paying more attention to her make up and hair, then I don't buy it. However, I'm really not sexist because men who do the same also earn the scorn that I feel for delicate little flowers attempting to sell the concept that they’re action stars. Lorenzo Lamas is a prime example of this. Imagine if one of the members of N’SYNC starred in an action flick, it wouldn't work, would it? Timothy Dalton was the best Bond. Dolph Lundgren was the best Punisher. Michael Keaton was the best Batman. Action stars need grit and Lamas is about as gritty as RuPaul.

But he sure looks fabulous in tight jeans, and cowboy shirts.

People complain that action flicks have lost their masculine edge because of school shootings and such, but the real reason is Lorenzo Lamas and his metrosexual action poses. He's a pussy and a piss-poor actor…so bad that he makes Michael Dudikoff seem like Chow Yun Fat.

Anyway, 95% of this has been me complaining about how lame Lorenzo Lamas is and really, the movie isn't much better. It's endless complaining from Lamas about how he got a raw deal in life. The bitching and complaining is all about how Lamas used to be a big-time champion (even though we all know Lamas wouldn't be involved in a sport that might fuck up his pretty face) and he got brutally humiliated by Jeff Langston. (Langston, by the way, looks sort of like Chris Penn with his a big paunch. I do, too, but in my kickboxing days I had a stomach so flat you could use it as a washboard.) And although fighters like that exist they're never professional champions because damn it, they would be too slow against a far more agile and speedier opponent. Casting such an opponent strains credibility because honestly, how hard would it be to beat up a fighter who is at least 30 pounds overweight?

The poor soul (aside from the audience) who listens to Lamas's endless complaining is Michael Worth who is apparently a Karate Kid-like fighter who wants Lamas to teach him the ropes to beat a kickboxing champion. I'm not one to bring up flaws in one's kickboxing strategy, but why the fuck would you ask for help from a fighter who LOST to the guy you want to beat? At least Rocky teamed up with an opponent he beat to learn a new strategy to beat Mr. T, but why Lorenzo Lamas, especially since he's apparently an alcoholic who you have to be way better than, to even have a shot at winning this fight? Michael Worth is a decent martial artist and is easily the best actor in the cast but you can't help but feel detached from the action sequences knowing that Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren (let alone a Jackie Chan or Yuen Biao) would fight the main bad guy and kill him within thirty seconds before moving on to their next opponent.

Also, there is the girl played by Kathleen Kinmont who was married to Lorenzo Lamas, and between the two of them, I still don't who's prettier (which isn't a stab at Kinmont because she's quite attractive). However, she doesn't show her boobs and considering that she isn't afraid to establish her goodies as the main prize for watching one of her movies, she is ultimately wasted.

The movie’s plot is part The Karate Kid and part Kickboxer, which of course means it has endless training montages with unlikable characters sporting ridiculous zen philosophies and boring fights that features choreography so basic and slow that I started looking for backyard wrestling hicks to pop out of the woodwork. If the fights had been good and had Lamas actually come off as more than a whiny puddle of wuss, I may have actually enjoyed the movie. However, because of the constant metrosexual posing and dull fight sequences, I'm afraid I can only condemn Final Impact as the type of movie nobody will want to see.

But of course, that's true of most Lorenzo Lamas movies.

Hamlin Grade: 2.5

Board certified Safety Dancer
Ryan