How the fuck have we not reviewed this disaster?

I threw on the T.V. (the telly to you silly Brits) over the weekend, and some genius cable program director thought it would be wise to fill the 10:00AM-Noon slot with Caddyshack II. Being a Knight of the Bad Movie I took it upon myself to sit through this mess once more (the last time being when it first hit the screen like a handful of horse shit in 1988).... and I'm still washing my eyes with saline solution to help soothe the burning irritation I sustained.

Caddyshack II is a tragedy on a scale this world has yet to witness. The Hindenberg with the Baldwin brothers strapped to the front (Alec, Billy, Stephen, and oh yeah.... Danny) crashing into the Titanic wouldn't come close to the pain this movie has created.

First off, there are glossary terms abound in this one, not to mention the dozens more that could be spawned just from this 98 minute visual enima. The Guttenberg Principle. This is the act of knowing when to call it quits when a film franchise begins spitting out sequel after sequel. In the case of Caddyshack II, everyone realized that this project would do little to help their careers and politely declined reprising their former roles. All except for Chevy Chase (who returned as Ty Webb), and Kenny Loggins (who once again lent his pipes to produce the soundtrack.... what a fucking whore). Great decision. If anything, their choice to return perhaps sealed their professional fates, as Chase and Loggins have done little of worth since this movie. You can actually see Chevy Chase's career self destructing on screen.

The story of Caddyshack II is essentially identical to the original Caddyshack. There are a few minor variations (but nothing radically different, other than the actors), but for the most part this is just Caddyshack again with all new characters. Or are they new? Absolutely not. Although they may have new identities, and new actors portraying them, these characters are poor facsimiles of the originals. Bear with me, because this list is fucked up.

Jackie Mason plays Jack Hartounian who is top to bottom a clone of Al Czervik originally played by Rodney Dangerfield.

Robert Stack plays Chandler Young, a scary familiar representation of Judge Smails originally portrayed by Ted Knight (brilliantly portrayed I may add).

Jonathan Silverman plays Harry who is just Danny Noonan (played by Michael O'Keefe in the original Caddyshack). Silverman didn't even try to reinvent the character. How the fuck is this guy famous? Holy shit! Has he made a watchable film ever?

And the big fuck you goes to Dan Akroyd. Akroyd played Captain Tom Everett who not only duplicated the character Carl Spackler that Bill Murray helped bring to life to the letter (aside from a high pitched voice he spoke in), he essentially re-enacted the entire end of Caddyshack that Murray had done. Camouflage, guns, beer, patrolling the golf course..... who in their right minds thought this would be a good idea.

The main focus of Caddyshack II has also shifted away from the live actors to a gopher.... or a puppet of a gopher rather. A feature that was marginally funny in the first film, is transformed into the cornerstone of this film..... perhaps the badge of how bad this movie really is. I still can't get over the fact that Jonathan Silverman is a Hollywood actor?

Caddyshack II is so bad it actually makes Highlander 2 watchable. I shit you not. The worst sequel of all time has been trumped.

Normally a film like this would be a treat for Bad Movie Night viewing, but Caddyshack II is anything but. Even if my head was soaked in the finest of hops, and I smoked all of the hash in Amsterdam, this movie would still suck ass. You'd have more fun and get more entertainment out of watching a Yeast Infection video sponsored by Gynalotrimin (actually that's a bad example because we've done that, and that Yeast shit is hilarious).

Caddyshack II is like dental coverage in England. No elaboration is necessary.

Jonathan Silverman?!?! What the fuck!?

Hamlin Grade: 1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat