Some of you out there may have figured out by now that when it comes to buying movies, I'm an impulse shopper. Yes, more often then not, my choices are ones that lead me to the corner of a dark room weeping and asking why. There are, however, those rare occasions that my gut leads me to the promised land of bad movies. As I speedily perused a DVD sale, barley slowing down enough to read the titles, a cover grabbed my attention: a motor-cross bike caught in midair, a smiling monkey in the foreground flanked by two children in BMX gear. Moto X Kids seemed like a no brainier purchase at the time, but would it lead me to that dark place where I can only taste the salty sadness of my tears? Later that week, as I prepared to view my newly acquired movie, I felt confident as I examined the DVD cover, "A monkey with motorcycles . . . what could be better?!" Then the billing, which I had overlooked in the store, hit me like a ton of bricks; Lorenzo Lamas. Victory is Mine!

Evan Read (Lorenzo Lamas) is the worlds top motor-cross trainer and is celebrating the fact that his daughter, whom he has coached, has just won the national championship. After the hoopla has died down our proud papa explains to his daughter Callie, (Alana Austin) that the next years training will be even better and a repeat win inevitable. Callie has plans of her own, however, and breaks it to her father that she will not be continuing motor-cross, but instead will be attending medical school. "You don't need me Dad. You're such a good coach, you could train a monkey to win nationals" Yes!! This is the movie I wanted; Lorenzo training a monkey . . . simeon brilliance! Being the Obi-Wan Kenobi of motor-cross, Read is highly sought after, and his phone is ringing off the hook
with offers. Could a monkey call?

To book his next gig, his agent Lou shows up and it's non other than Phyllis Fucking Diller! I thought this bitch was dead, but apparently she won't work on anything unless Lorenzo Lamas and a monkey are involved. Read gives Lou the slip as he goes to help out a friend who just happens to be Grizzly Fucking Adams! Some may say this would mark Dan Haggerty's epic comeback to the limelight, but I would argue he's never left my friends, he's never left. Dan has just chosen not to work on a project that doesn't involve Lorenzo Lamas, a monkey, and Phillis Diller.

Dan Haggerty plays Read's old friend named Bear . . . yeah pretty sweet. Bear runs a motor-cross training park for kids slash animal shelter on his land. Am I finally going to get my monkey? Yes, we have monkey! All the parts are in place, we have the motorcycles, we have the monkey, now all we need is for Lamas to put that damn monkey on a bike and we'll have bliss. But alas, the story turns to the financial troubles of Bear. Apparently, he's in debt to an evil motorcycle gang known as the Malibu Pirates.
Pirates. Right. When was the last time pirates were threatening? Seriously?

As they roll up to collect from Bear, I'm trying to place the pirate called Mongo. He looks familiar but I can't quite place . . . my god it's that Joe Fucking Millionaire! I didn't know Evan Marriot was an actor, but it has been brought to my attention he'll pass on anything unless Lorenzo Lamas, a monkey, Phillis Diller and Grizzly Adams are on board. Bear won't cough up the cash and sends the Pirates back to report to their leader known as Viper. How could the casting get any better you ask? The answer: Gary Busey. The unhinged Viper is a roll made for our Bad Movie Knights poster boy. One may ask if he is even acting. On hearing of Bear's effrontery, Viper orders his pirates to take off the gloves and bring the man to him by force if need be. Read learns of his friends' kidnapping and teams up with the monkey to rescue him. That's right folks, Lamas and the monkey are fighting motorcycle pirates! Team Read-monkey are successful in getting Bear back, but Viper and the Pirates arrive at his ranch shortly thereafter looking for revenge. Bloodshed seems inevitable until one of Bear's Moto kid's makes the pirates a fateful offer. They will race for Bear's "dirt-bike ranch" as it were. Will Lamas teach a monkey to ride motor-cross to defend his honor against the pirates? I don't want to spoil this gem, but I assure you that I was strolling on the high planes of bad movie land at the end of this one and basking in all it's glorious light.

Hamlin Grade: 8

Fletch is a killing word!