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Oh boy. What can be said about such a movie? Not since the days of my teenage youth where I witnessed Bloodsport and Kickboxer, has a movie inspired me in such a way. Of course what people don't is that this indeed a lost Bruce Lee classic that somehow never gets its due credit from the mainstream. I mean Bruce Lee:The Invincible was made in 1977 and it clearly shows that Bruce Lee could make movies from beyond the grave. Of course we all know that Bruce Lee is really living on an island somewhere due to return one day (According to his 70's biography Bruce Lee:The Man The Myth) Of course they said he would return in 1983 but my theory is that the reason he hasn't returned is because he's been running secret missions. Bruce Lee:The Invincible is of course a documentary of one said mission.
I mean seriously, no producer would honestly think that the audience in question would buy into a notion that Bruce Li and Bruce Lee weren't the same guy. I mean how else can you explain the uncanny looks and the fact that Bruce Li was indeed an alias. Of course sadly, this was the case. Bruce Lee isn't in this movie and in reality they cast Bruce Li and of course this was made to capitalize on Bruce Lee's image. Bruce Lee of course was awesome. Bruce Li was well, Bruce Li.
However Bruce Li did make some great bad movies, among them are classics such as Exit The Dragon, Enter The Tiger (The offical sequel to Enter The Dragon?), Bruce Li In New Guinea (Because the country Li is in, makes all the difference) and of course Deadly Strike which actually promised Bruce Le but instead gave us Bruce Li. Poor Bruce Li, his whole career was ripping off Bruce Lee but somehow one of his movies was advertised as having Bruce Le (The title is "Bruce Le:Deadly Strike") when it in fact starred Bruce Li. Ouch.
Bruce Lee:The Invinicble stars Bruce Li not as Bruce Lee, but as a martial artist who travels with his master, to confront a bad guy martial artist who is causing all kinds of trouble in some area of the world, different from China. (Honestly i'm not sure if this takes place in Singapore, Malaysia or somewhere else in China away from the village our heroes come from.) Anyway the main bad guy martial artist is named Cheng, and why is he such a bad guy? Well as it turns out, he wants to settle down and being that there are no unmarried women (Maybe this is China) he decides to force Bruce Li's female cousin in an unwanted marriage. Really is Cheng that bad of a guy? All he wants is consistent pussy and this is not unreasonable for a bad guy. I mean this woman is apparently infatuated with Bruce Li (Who is her cousin no less) and Cheng would probably be better than Bruce Li. But I digress.
The sequence where Cheng kidnaps the woman is truly as hilarious as it comes. She screams in such an over exaggerated way (Think of a high school students making a horror film) and Cheng comes in and beats up both her parents as well as her brother. This is all hilarious of course but what is even better is the bad dubbing that for my money is the only way to watch a 70's Kung Fu movie. Plus the dialogue is truly inspired in its atrocious badness.
However what provides Bruce Lee:The Invincible the greatness of classic bad movie status, is that Bruce Li actually fights kung fu apes. That's right, Cheng's last line of defense against Bruce Li and his master, is to sic his kung fu fighting gorillas. Once again it's BLATANTLY obvious that these are guys in suits (And these suits are incredibly hilarious, think of the worst halloween costume and you're not even coming close.) Watching these stuntmen do back flips and all kinds of karate kicks on Bruce Li is truly inspired genius. What is even better is that when these gorillas die, their eyes pop out (Think Total Recall) so this kung fu theater classic provides everything that is great (awful) about the genre.
The fight sequences are also good, the production values are above average for the time and Bruce Li seems to have charisma, all of this though pales into comparison of what is the greatness of Bruce Lee:The Invincible. Which is of course Bruce Li using his kung fu on gorillas.
This is the definition of a movie that has cowbell. I of course have a fever and the prescription is of course Bruce Lee:The Invincible. I gotta have my Bruce Lee:The Invincible. And for one dollar you can too.
Hamlin Grade: 8
-Board certified professional safety dancer
I must admit that Jean-Claude Van Damme is quite possibly the greatest belgian action star to ever play twins in one movie. It's a theory of mine that the Belgian military loans out Van Damme to Hollywood to infiltrate the good ol' US of A and take it down from the inside with a spinning round house kick. That's a discussion for another time... However what makes such a movie so enjoyable that Van Damme here manages to rise above typecasting and deliver performances so horrifyingly awful that it becomes truly hilarious. Witness the sequence in Double Impact when Jean-Claude Van Damme as the good twin, is asked by the triad boss if he wants to join up, Jean-Claude sits back in the car never speaking until he is forced to. And what comes out of the mouth of this belgian? "Yo go fook YoSell" Not since Tiny Tim's Tiptoe Through The Tulips has their been more unintentionally hilarious poetry.
Anyway the movie's plot (Because you're always obligated to describe such when reviewing a movie) is basically a glorious ode to Dead Ringers. Seriously, it's been said that it Jean-Claude Van Damme to make this movie. However Van Damme failed to realize that Jeremy Irons is a good actor and that he's American as well. So playing twins, especially after giving such performances in Cyborg, Death Warrant and well pretty much everything before or after this, is all in naught. Actually in reality, Jean-Claude was most inspired by The Corsican Brothers, which basically is about twin brothers who are seperated at birth and then join forces to kill the man responsible for their parent's murder. Actually I never read the book or watched the movies, well except for the Cheech and Chong version (The less said the better) and I must admit that this is probably the cheesiest offering you're most likely going to get. Jean-Claude Van Damme playing twins is so funny because the special effects are lame, making it fairly obvious who the stand in is, or for that matter when they are very often not in the same frame, or when one Van Damme is wearing sunglasses. Thanks a lot Jeremy Irons.
What it all comes down is how much action this has, and I must admit that this is all very entertaining, of course the action sequences are far less entertaining than the unintentional acting stretch Van Damme makes.(And he's in every scene) He plays both characters with such exaggerated macho posturing that it was truly hilarious. All of this leads up to a truly hilarious fight sequence between Jean-Claude Van Damme and himself. Van Damme would of course up the ante and fight Dolph Lundgren the next year, but this shows exactly how Van Damme had to overcome himself before he could even try and take on someone twice his size. So after this, is it any surprise that Van Damme pretty much kills everyone and with general ease. Evil twin Van Damme fights Cory Everson (Ms. Olympia) and Good Van Damme fights Bolo Yeung. These are fun fight sequences but what really highlights the fight sequence between Van Damme and Bolo, is that Bolo pushes a barrel at Van Damme, however there is a crease in said barrel, which would indicate that the best defense against a belgian ass-kicker is to basically use foam barrels of gas to ram him. Of course one must remember that Van Damme can jump over you and he will if he has to. I think the reason Jean-Claude Van Damme is my favorite action star is that he jumps over opponents (Here), kills people with their own weapons (Cyborg), Does the splits (Everything he did until 2001) and of course isn't afraid to show that award winning ass of his. Although this time the audience is robbed of such a shot. Part Time Ninja of course got his wish in 1991's Showdown In Little Tokyo, but what of us Van Damme fans. We had to settle of course for witnessing Van Damme do the splits in spandex. Can we say rip off.
Ah yes, Van Damme for my money easily beats Swayze in the Swayze guage, I mean I watched Road House and walked away thinking, a fun movie, Patrick Swayze has a gigantic melmet, good flick. However when it comes to Van Damme I am helpless, much in the same way I am in the presence of Chow Yun Fat. In fact this problem has gotten so bad, that everytime I watch their movies I go out and buy Disco CDs. Scary, I know. However I'm 100% sure that Van Damme and Chow Yun Fat are such supreme examples of what masculine is, that the affection felt towards them, is more vicarious. Well that's what I tell myself anyway.
As for Double Impact, I must admit that this is quite possibly one of Van Damme's most signature roles, One where he shows just how much of an actor he is. In other words he rises to the occasion to not give one bad performance but two. All the while Van Damme's poetry can't be contained in the medium of words although we'll just say, get two bad performances for the price of one, rent Double Impact.
However my favorite part of Double Impact is when I heard the rap song which plays over the credits. Called "Feel The Impact" The song starts out in a very cheesy baseline (Almost disco like) to which really bad bullet sound effects come out and say "HA, get ready, cause i'm gonna even the score, you thought I wouldn't be backvfor more, my aim to true for you to overcome, you don't even know what I hold inside, ha and that's why i'm gonna feel the impact, of my soul! Feel the impact of my soul, feel the impact, feel feel feel the impact!" Which alone guarantees a high Hamlin grade.
So bad movie knights, I give you a cherished artifact of our archive. The movie in which Van Damme played twins. Badly. Now if only we could get Michael Pare to do such a feat.
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
-Board certified professional safety dancer
How the fuck is Harrison Ford still a Hollywood actor(I bet even Jonathan Silverman is baffled by this one)? Let's be honest, the man has never been able to act (anyone who disagrees with me, can watch Temple of Doom and then suck my ass), and yes perhaps at one time he could have been considered a handsome man, but now his face looks like my testicles after I've been swimming for three hours in an over-chlorinated pool (or that pig diarreah bath that Rambo was soaking in during First Blood Part II (why the fuck didn't they just call that Second Blood?)).
Firewall is essentially a re-hashing of several movies (Swordfish, The Net (yeah that shitty Sandra Bullock movie that no one saw but me), and perhaps some War Games (turn your key sir! turn your missile key now sir!)) which is basically about a guy who works for a bank as a software engineer (Ford), sees his family kidnapped by some English bad guy (oooooh scary gay Brits), and is forced to steal money from said bank using all sorts of cool Hackers style methods (including the clever use of an iPod.... Apple products can take over the world... remember Independence Day, and Mission Impossible?). That's it.
I can only assume that Firewall would have never seen the big screen had Harrison not agreed to be a part of it, and even with his name, it had the staying power of Fletch's erection in front of a vagina.... little to none. Ford's career is definitely on a downward spiral ( and as soon as the newest Indiana Jones comes out will surely hit ass bottom), and it's painfully obvious that recently, he stamps every film he's in.... and mails it in. Well done sir. You've gone from household name (shitty ass actor) to total whore.
I actually watched Firewall just to see old man Harrison fire off another epic line like:
"HOW DARE YOU SIR!"
"GET OFF MY PLANE!"
but the poor geezer is so over the hill I think his jugular veins would explode if he tried to exert any emotion whatsoever. So we get the serious old man Harrison, who bides his time, while doing the gay English guy's dirty work, while also trying not to get caught at work even though he is raising plenty of suspicion (don't worry, his employer is always one step behind and Harrison's teste face never get's caught). Wrap Firewall up with some pointless and way to late to save this shitty film gun fire and a fist fight (ok, the English guy, even though he's English is still some 30 years the junior of Harrison.... I don't know about the rest of you, but even on my worst day, drunk off my ass, and shitting bad Mexican food, I would fuck that old man up) that finishes with a pick-axe to the spine..... and you have an epic. How dare you Harrison. How dare you sir.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
I have just watched the greatest movie ever. Deja Vu. I have just watched the greatest movie ever. Deja Vu.
Ok, that was a cheap one, but it had to be done. Let's get to the meat and potatoes. Denzel Washington is the fucking man. Is there any project out there that he has not stuck his magical penis into that didn't turn into pure gold? I swear that man's asshole shits Oscars. Deja Vu should have just been called Denzel.
Deja Vu is brought to by producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Tony Scott, which means prepare for non stop explosions, gun-play, and limitless action. Deja Vu actually delivers a pretty interesting story (a rarity here at Bad Movie Knights) which delves into the phenomenon of time travel (something we are very familiar with here at Bad Movie Knights). Deja Vu also gives us a first look at the new fat Val Kilmer.... and I have to say the man carries his weight well. When's the last time you walked up to someone and said.... 'Damn you got fat'.... and followed that with a 'and you look pretty good' prior to getting punched in the face (most likely you'd be able to easily dodge said punch from the fatty). Needless to say, fatty Val, is working the look.
Denzel Washington plays ATF agent Doug Carlin (ATF stands for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.... all which we here at Bad Movie Knights are intimately familiar with) and is investigating the mother of all explosions (this one is a beauty even for Bruckheimer and Scott) that occurred on board a ferry in New Orleans. A pickup truck (scarily familiar to the one Chuck Norris ran around in Lone Wolf McQuade) is loaded with all sorts of military grade explosives and detonates in the car port of the ferry. The ferry which is toting a bunch of Navy guys, women and children blows sky high killing over 500 of the passengers. It's up to Denzel to save the day.
Carlin is quickly recruited into a secret task force headed up by Agent Pryzwarra (fat Val) and is introduced to the time travel equipment that allows the users a glimpse 4 days into the past. This undercover secret task force attempts to catch criminals by viewing how they perpetrate their crimes. Carlin decides that the group should be pro-active rather than re-active when he discovers the video they are watching can affect the past. Do I really need to tell you what happens next?
Denzel strips down Terminator style and goes back into the past to save the fucking day! HELLL YEAH!! That is some quality Denzel! What's even cooler is that his nemesis in this film is played by Jesus. I mean James Caviezel, the artist formerly known as Jesus.
Deja Vu, as I said before does have a great story (perhaps a first on this site), awesome action, explosions, gun fights, a fat Val Kilmer, and perhaps the greatest thing of all... fucking Denzel.
Hamlin Grade: 7
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
And I thought my country was tight assed.
You Americans make me laugh. You claim to promote freedom, and all the luxuries and benefits that come with that freedom, but the moment anyone utilizes said freedom..... you strike them down where they stand.
Case in point. This witch hunt of your radio personalities. Freedom of Speech? What's that? Obviously over the last month, America has clearly shown there is no such thing. You began by firing Don Imus for making a joke about some second rate basketball players. Perhaps the joke was crude, but it was a joke nonetheless. However Don Imus was branded a racist and dismissed. J.V. and Elvis.... another dynamic duo of ludeness..... fired a shot across the bow of the Asian community, in the form of a humorous reference.... a joke. However, they too, were deemed racist and let go. Just yesterday, Opie and Anthony a couple of entertaining young lads who had supplanted Howard Stern many years ago were fired for on air humor.... on a pay radio service?
Freedom of Speech is not even available to those who subscribe to a service that they know may contain references that will offend? Not in America, not anymore.
What I find most humorous is that you have replaced your President with a new figure-head who lays down your country's moral law. I refer of course to none other than Reverand Al Sharpton, the crusader of prejudice. He lacks credibility, and doesn't know the meaning of the word justice yet somehow he has taken over your country without even winning an election.
Not since Adolf Hitler have I witnessed such a rapid rise to power built on a wave of racism and hatred.
This is the word of Caine.
Praise be to Caine.
Some of you out there may have figured out by now that when it comes to buying movies, I'm an impulse shopper. Yes, more often then not, my choices are ones that lead me to the corner of a dark room weeping and asking why. There are, however, those rare occasions that my gut leads me to the promised land of bad movies. As I speedily perused a DVD sale, barley slowing down enough to read the titles, a cover grabbed my attention: a motor-cross bike caught in midair, a smiling monkey in the foreground flanked by two children in BMX gear. Moto X Kids seemed like a no brainier purchase at the time, but would it lead me to that dark place where I can only taste the salty sadness of my tears? Later that week, as I prepared to view my newly acquired movie, I felt confident as I examined the DVD cover, "A monkey with motorcycles . . . what could be better?!" Then the billing, which I had overlooked in the store, hit me like a ton of bricks; Lorenzo Lamas. Victory is Mine!
Evan Read (Lorenzo Lamas) is the worlds top motor-cross trainer and is celebrating the fact that his daughter, whom he has coached, has just won the national championship. After the hoopla has died down our proud papa explains to his daughter Callie, (Alana Austin) that the next years training will be even better and a repeat win inevitable. Callie has plans of her own, however, and breaks it to her father that she will not be continuing motor-cross, but instead will be attending medical school. "You don't need me Dad. You're such a good coach, you could train a monkey to win nationals" Yes!! This is the movie I wanted; Lorenzo training a monkey . . . simeon brilliance! Being the Obi-Wan Kenobi of motor-cross, Read is highly sought after, and his phone is ringing off the hook
with offers. Could a monkey call?
To book his next gig, his agent Lou shows up and it's non other than Phyllis Fucking Diller! I thought this bitch was dead, but apparently she won't work on anything unless Lorenzo Lamas and a monkey are involved. Read gives Lou the slip as he goes to help out a friend who just happens to be Grizzly Fucking Adams! Some may say this would mark Dan Haggerty's epic comeback to the limelight, but I would argue he's never left my friends, he's never left. Dan has just chosen not to work on a project that doesn't involve Lorenzo Lamas, a monkey, and Phillis Diller.
Dan Haggerty plays Read's old friend named Bear . . . yeah pretty sweet. Bear runs a motor-cross training park for kids slash animal shelter on his land. Am I finally going to get my monkey? Yes, we have monkey! All the parts are in place, we have the motorcycles, we have the monkey, now all we need is for Lamas to put that damn monkey on a bike and we'll have bliss. But alas, the story turns to the financial troubles of Bear. Apparently, he's in debt to an evil motorcycle gang known as the Malibu Pirates.
Pirates. Right. When was the last time pirates were threatening? Seriously?
As they roll up to collect from Bear, I'm trying to place the pirate called Mongo. He looks familiar but I can't quite place . . . my god it's that Joe Fucking Millionaire! I didn't know Evan Marriot was an actor, but it has been brought to my attention he'll pass on anything unless Lorenzo Lamas, a monkey, Phillis Diller and Grizzly Adams are on board. Bear won't cough up the cash and sends the Pirates back to report to their leader known as Viper. How could the casting get any better you ask? The answer: Gary Busey. The unhinged Viper is a roll made for our Bad Movie Knights poster boy. One may ask if he is even acting. On hearing of Bear's effrontery, Viper orders his pirates to take off the gloves and bring the man to him by force if need be. Read learns of his friends' kidnapping and teams up with the monkey to rescue him. That's right folks, Lamas and the monkey are fighting motorcycle pirates! Team Read-monkey are successful in getting Bear back, but Viper and the Pirates arrive at his ranch shortly thereafter looking for revenge. Bloodshed seems inevitable until one of Bear's Moto kid's makes the pirates a fateful offer. They will race for Bear's "dirt-bike ranch" as it were. Will Lamas teach a monkey to ride motor-cross to defend his honor against the pirates? I don't want to spoil this gem, but I assure you that I was strolling on the high planes of bad movie land at the end of this one and basking in all it's glorious light.
Hamlin Grade: 8
Fletch is a killing word!
How the fuck have we not reviewed this disaster?
I threw on the T.V. (the telly to you silly Brits) over the weekend, and some genius cable program director thought it would be wise to fill the 10:00AM-Noon slot with Caddyshack II. Being a Knight of the Bad Movie I took it upon myself to sit through this mess once more (the last time being when it first hit the screen like a handful of horse shit in 1988).... and I'm still washing my eyes with saline solution to help soothe the burning irritation I sustained.
Caddyshack II is a tragedy on a scale this world has yet to witness. The Hindenberg with the Baldwin brothers strapped to the front (Alec, Billy, Stephen, and oh yeah.... Danny) crashing into the Titanic wouldn't come close to the pain this movie has created.
First off, there are glossary terms abound in this one, not to mention the dozens more that could be spawned just from this 98 minute visual enima. The Guttenberg Principle. This is the act of knowing when to call it quits when a film franchise begins spitting out sequel after sequel. In the case of Caddyshack II, everyone realized that this project would do little to help their careers and politely declined reprising their former roles. All except for Chevy Chase (who returned as Ty Webb), and Kenny Loggins (who once again lent his pipes to produce the soundtrack.... what a fucking whore). Great decision. If anything, their choice to return perhaps sealed their professional fates, as Chase and Loggins have done little of worth since this movie. You can actually see Chevy Chase's career self destructing on screen.
The story of Caddyshack II is essentially identical to the original Caddyshack. There are a few minor variations (but nothing radically different, other than the actors), but for the most part this is just Caddyshack again with all new characters. Or are they new? Absolutely not. Although they may have new identities, and new actors portraying them, these characters are poor facsimiles of the originals. Bear with me, because this list is fucked up.
Jackie Mason plays Jack Hartounian who is top to bottom a clone of Al Czervik originally played by Rodney Dangerfield.
Robert Stack plays Chandler Young, a scary familiar representation of Judge Smails originally portrayed by Ted Knight (brilliantly portrayed I may add).
Jonathan Silverman plays Harry who is just Danny Noonan (played by Michael O'Keefe in the original Caddyshack). Silverman didn't even try to reinvent the character. How the fuck is this guy famous? Holy shit! Has he made a watchable film ever?
And the big fuck you goes to Dan Akroyd. Akroyd played Captain Tom Everett who not only duplicated the character Carl Spackler that Bill Murray helped bring to life to the letter (aside from a high pitched voice he spoke in), he essentially re-enacted the entire end of Caddyshack that Murray had done. Camouflage, guns, beer, patrolling the golf course..... who in their right minds thought this would be a good idea.
The main focus of Caddyshack II has also shifted away from the live actors to a gopher.... or a puppet of a gopher rather. A feature that was marginally funny in the first film, is transformed into the cornerstone of this film..... perhaps the badge of how bad this movie really is. I still can't get over the fact that Jonathan Silverman is a Hollywood actor?
Caddyshack II is so bad it actually makes Highlander 2 watchable. I shit you not. The worst sequel of all time has been trumped.
Normally a film like this would be a treat for Bad Movie Night viewing, but Caddyshack II is anything but. Even if my head was soaked in the finest of hops, and I smoked all of the hash in Amsterdam, this movie would still suck ass. You'd have more fun and get more entertainment out of watching a Yeast Infection video sponsored by Gynalotrimin (actually that's a bad example because we've done that, and that Yeast shit is hilarious).
Caddyshack II is like dental coverage in England. No elaboration is necessary.
Jonathan Silverman?!?! What the fuck!?
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
The impossible has happened. I've discovered another Swayze Gauge! For those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon (click the fucking link and read about it dipshits) allow me to elaborate....
The Swayze Gauge is a simple, yet fool proof test designed to determine an individual's sexuality.... an exam carefully administered through the viewing of the Patrick Swayze classic Roadhouse. An exam which I've taken many times.... the results of which I prefer to keep to myself.
The Transporter 2 delivers unto us another example of the sexuality tester. Plastered across the screen from beginning to end is the tightly sculpted form of one Jason Stratham, dressed to kill throughout, and brandishing an English accent (no one's perfect, thankfully Mr. Stratham is actually American and just put on the silly accent for the sake of the character) and daring throughout to have imaginations. Like the then Dr. Lecter asking Clarice, Mr. Stratham dares you to fantasize about sexual scenarios. Oh yeah. He can smell your cunt.
Let's get to the story, which is simple but perfect. Jason Stratham plays driver Frank Martin (much more than just a driver if you saw the first one, if you didn't then I guess you are shit out of luck), a total bad ass, who has a military past of some sort now specializes in 'transporting' packages. Frank has travelled from France to Miami and is filling in for a friend as the driver for a high profile government official's son. The government dude is played adequately by Matthew Modine (who gets alot of wet dreams from working out still to this day.... or from dreaming about wrestling with Kuch) is a Drug Czar and as he implements harsher anti-drug policies his son quickly becomes a target by Drug lords everywhere. Needless to say the son get's kidnapped and Frank is the only one who can save the day.
What makes the Transporter 2 very cool is that movie is filmed like a live action version of the video game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The home of Matthew Modine is actually the same home that you take over as the character in the game. Pretty sweet. Throw in a shitload of ridiculous car chases (Frank's car is awesome, it is like a James Bond special, and he drives the shit out of it), outstanding fight sequences and never ending gun battles that require no reloading and you have the makings of a great bad movie.
Throughout most of Transporter 2, Frank is continuously engaged by an assasin named Lola. Lola wears nothing but a pair of panties and bra, which is the preferred garb of the female mercenary. However her nakedness did little to bring my gaze from the warm physique of Jason Stratham, unless she was standing directly in front him.... which I found irritating rather than arousing.
If you are confident in your sexuality, and think you can handle the power of the Stratham.... then Transporter 2 is your movie. If you aren't certain of your sexuality then Transporter 2 is without a doubt the movie for you.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Hercules. This film is a giant pile of shit that has been gift wrapped with a card made out specifically for Bad Movie Knights. It stars former Mr. Universe bodybuilder Lou Ferrigno as Hercules. I could essentially stop the review right there, shower it with Hamlin heads, make a joke about how much England sucks and tell you to go out view this epic. However, I will elaborate.... mostly because it will give me more opportunities to rip on those fuckin' Brits.
Lou Ferrigno. Once considered a peer of and the man who would dethrone Arnold Schwarzenegger in the sport of bodybuilding, Ferrigno has fallen so far from grace that I'm actually more famous than he is today. While Schwarzenegger went on to conquer Hollywood, earn millions, buy so much land in California that they had to elect him President of that far away land, Ferrigno took a different path. The path less travelled? No not necessarily. The path to mediocrity. Schwarzenegger is now busy making appearances at the White House, and if you are lucky, you can catch Lou Ferrigno autographing photographs of himself as the Incredible Hulk for the paltry sum of $20. Unfortunately Ferrigno's career post Incredible Hulk (the television series from the early 80's) has become a never-ending a 30 year joke.
Stop me if you've heard this one.....
Knock Knock. Who's there?
Back to Hercules. This film is spectacular. Not only does it star Lou Ferrigno, but the lovely breasts of Sybil Danning as well (Danning is also in this film soley as a transporter of her lovelies). Ferrigno did next to nothing to prepare for his role as the demi-god, except for toss on a loin cloth and liberally cover his pecs with massage oil (you hot yet?). He sports a beard and the same 'Ponch' from C.H.i.P.s hairstyle that he's been wearing since his Brooklyn days. The master stroke of Hercules however is from Director Luigi Cozzi who decided that instead of using the original voice track of Ferrigno, all of his scenes should be re-dubbed. Brilliant!
What more do you need? You get a dubbed Lou Ferrigno (the voice over guy while clear and able to annunciate can't act either..... which means he is probably an amazing actor because he was able to act like an actor who couldn't act.... or perhaps I'm just an idiot), you get Sybil Danning's amazing breasts smashed together in an outfit a 1st grader couldn't fit in, horrible special effects, no story, and some of the best directing in Hollywood. I give you Hercules.
Hamlin Grade: 7
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
When I looked into the abyss of doom, I saw a pair of eyes that knew my every being, a pair of eyes that knew what true evil was and what brutality could be unleashed. The abyss of doom, in other words, was my BMD (Bad Movie Disorder) and the eyes of evil looking at me were those of Lorenzo Lamas and he was promising me impact of the final kind.
I immediately figured out that the movie was a documentary on the last dump he took after a bad case of constipation, however, I wasn't 100% wrong because if there's anything Final Impact is about, it's constipation: The constipation of one man and his attempt to sell himself as a more fabulous looking Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Has there ever been an action star more gay than Lorenzo Lamas? I mean, I admit that Jean-Claude Van Damme's constant posing can be ridiculous, though he at least exuded a manliness that convinced me that yes, while in prison, Van Damme can hold his own against those who might try and make him their bitch.
Lorenzo Lamas, however, lacks that quality as he is far too pretty boy-ish to kick ass and I think it speaks for itself why Lamas has never starred in a prison movie. Why this guy makes movies that sell reasonably well on DVD is anyone's guess. But I have a theory.
Homosexuals watch action movies, too, and although I don't know many homosexuals aside from the obvious closet-talk from fellow COF reviewer Yi-Long, I'm guessing this is the one market that supports Lamas and his never ending quest to provide hard-hitting action while looking prettier than his female co-stars.
However, for the straight action movie fan, one is left with the fact that we have a hero that seems more interested in how much hair gel he wears rather than kicking ass. You know people have accused me of having sexist views on today’s action movies because I generally hate action movies that star women. I think an action star should be tough. Sigourney Weaver? Tough. Uma Thurman? TOUGH. But if she’s paying more attention to her make up and hair, then I don't buy it. However, I'm really not sexist because men who do the same also earn the scorn that I feel for delicate little flowers attempting to sell the concept that they’re action stars. Lorenzo Lamas is a prime example of this. Imagine if one of the members of N’SYNC starred in an action flick, it wouldn't work, would it? Timothy Dalton was the best Bond. Dolph Lundgren was the best Punisher. Michael Keaton was the best Batman. Action stars need grit and Lamas is about as gritty as RuPaul.
But he sure looks fabulous in tight jeans, and cowboy shirts.
People complain that action flicks have lost their masculine edge because of school shootings and such, but the real reason is Lorenzo Lamas and his metrosexual action poses. He's a pussy and a piss-poor actor…so bad that he makes Michael Dudikoff seem like Chow Yun Fat.
Anyway, 95% of this has been me complaining about how lame Lorenzo Lamas is and really, the movie isn't much better. It's endless complaining from Lamas about how he got a raw deal in life. The bitching and complaining is all about how Lamas used to be a big-time champion (even though we all know Lamas wouldn't be involved in a sport that might fuck up his pretty face) and he got brutally humiliated by Jeff Langston. (Langston, by the way, looks sort of like Chris Penn with his a big paunch. I do, too, but in my kickboxing days I had a stomach so flat you could use it as a washboard.) And although fighters like that exist they're never professional champions because damn it, they would be too slow against a far more agile and speedier opponent. Casting such an opponent strains credibility because honestly, how hard would it be to beat up a fighter who is at least 30 pounds overweight?
The poor soul (aside from the audience) who listens to Lamas's endless complaining is Michael Worth who is apparently a Karate Kid-like fighter who wants Lamas to teach him the ropes to beat a kickboxing champion. I'm not one to bring up flaws in one's kickboxing strategy, but why the fuck would you ask for help from a fighter who LOST to the guy you want to beat? At least Rocky teamed up with an opponent he beat to learn a new strategy to beat Mr. T, but why Lorenzo Lamas, especially since he's apparently an alcoholic who you have to be way better than, to even have a shot at winning this fight? Michael Worth is a decent martial artist and is easily the best actor in the cast but you can't help but feel detached from the action sequences knowing that Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren (let alone a Jackie Chan or Yuen Biao) would fight the main bad guy and kill him within thirty seconds before moving on to their next opponent.
Also, there is the girl played by Kathleen Kinmont who was married to Lorenzo Lamas, and between the two of them, I still don't who's prettier (which isn't a stab at Kinmont because she's quite attractive). However, she doesn't show her boobs and considering that she isn't afraid to establish her goodies as the main prize for watching one of her movies, she is ultimately wasted.
The movie’s plot is part The Karate Kid and part Kickboxer, which of course means it has endless training montages with unlikable characters sporting ridiculous zen philosophies and boring fights that features choreography so basic and slow that I started looking for backyard wrestling hicks to pop out of the woodwork. If the fights had been good and had Lamas actually come off as more than a whiny puddle of wuss, I may have actually enjoyed the movie. However, because of the constant metrosexual posing and dull fight sequences, I'm afraid I can only condemn Final Impact as the type of movie nobody will want to see.
But of course, that's true of most Lorenzo Lamas movies.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Board certified Safety Dancer