Have you ever gone on a first date and realized that it was doomed seconds after it began? Do I have a tale for you.

Many years ago, I asked a young lady whom I worked with if she’d like to get together sometime…. she of course readily agreed, because I am a handsome man. After a phone call a few evenings later we agreed on a time and place, and thus a blueprint for love was in the making.

I arrived at the chosen eatery looking forward to an evening that would represent the building blocks for a long-term relationship that would blossom into love, marriage, children…. a lifetime of joy. Actually I just wanted some sex.

Regardless of my intentions, the evening ended for me before it started. As soon as I sat down the young lady opened her mouth (not in the way you’d hope) and did not shut for the next 4 hours. A torrent of useless information flowed from her mouth like diarreah from a raw anus. In less than 10 minutes I knew everything about her grandmother, dead grandfather, mother, father, drunk sister, drunk sister’s boyfriend, their hobbies, interests, pets….. AHHHH! When the waiter finally arrived I was ready to order a gun.

Our dinner ended and we began to go for a walk. My ears were throbbing from wave after wave of banal tutelage ranging from how to properly wash an afghan to the best time to add blueberries to your pancake batter. It took all of my willpower not to shove her into traffic.

Many of you may ask, why didn’t I just get up and leave? Believe it or not, I’m not as big of an asshole as I seem to be on this site (yes I am, but suspend disbelief, you will enjoy this review more). Problem two, there was not an opening in the conversation (I use this word very loosely, as a conversation is normally defined as a dialogue between two individuals) for me to get up and excuse myself.

I was going to just suck it up for the evening, until finally salvation was at hand! A movie theatre! She couldn’t possibly talk through a movie could she? I could get her to shut the fuck for at least 90 minutes couldn’t I? YES! Brilliant! What movies were playing at this time? 12 Monkeys, and Sense and Sensibility. Sweet! 12 Monkeys! I heard that was kick ass, I can see a cool flick and get this bitch to pipe down! Awesome! However this was just not to be…..

By now you know where this tale is headed. Sense and Sensibility. Of course the young lady was all over that one and when asked if I wanted to see it, I responded with “Absolutely! I love Hugh Grant!” I think I would have sounded more masculine had I announced that “Yes! I enjoy swallowing cock!” This evening was already going down like Fletch while visiting Brad in Colorado, so I took it on the chin (or in the ass really).

My review of Sense and Sensibility….. believe it or not, as tedious and painful as this movie was, it did succeed in shutting up my counterpart for the better part of two hours. The movie is exactly what you’d expect it to be. A bunch of English, dressed in 19th century clothing (the women looked like Bo Peeps, and the men… just gay, much like the English men of today) sitting around drinking tea, talking, drinking more tea, eating, drinking more tea, dancing around the notion of having sex (why are you so fucking proper that you can’t just come out with it…. look who’s talking…. had I just said shutup and walked out of the restaurant I wouldn’t be in the theatre watching this mess) and drinking more tea. The characters in this movie are nothing more than full sized Hobbits. I think 75% of this movie is them sitting outside drinking tea and talking. The rest of it is peppered with 'love scene' moments where they almost kiss but don't quite seal the deal because that would be rude.... and these scenes are always during monsoon like rainstorms.... I guess cuz that is sexy? Sense and Sensibility stars Hugh Grant (yippee), Kate Winslet (the fat chick from Titanic), and Emma Thompson (who?). Sense and Sensibility offers up interaction between these three gems that is slightly less boring than the verbal phlegm being spewed from date all evening.

Since this movie did save me from my nightmarish evening it does hold a special place in my heart. It sucked through and through, and just admitting I watched it at all is like signing an affidavit to the direction in which my sexuality leans….. however you all know that I am 100% man…. Unless I’m watching a Patrick Swayze movie. But all of us children are gay in the face of Swayze.

Hamlin Grade: 1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat