Shoo Monny Too Tonka Oh Wah Gee!

That's Pawnee for "thank you for watching this mess and giving me your $10, sincerely, Kevin Costner".

My fellow Knights, I am back, and I am here to tear into this review like Fletch on a mountain of cocaine.

Dances with Wolves is perhaps the most the painful movie I've witnessed in my lifetime. It combines so many Bad Movie Knights attributes it borders on being an almost perfect bad film. First off, story, direction, acting..... where are they? Now with most films, these qualities would be celebrated, but not in a Kevin Costner flick. Oh no.

Aside from removing the essential mechanics from this production, Coster also does what he does best. His character John J. Dunbar, has an overwhelming urge to see the frontier (before it's gone he claims.... it's still there guy.... I saw it in Dances with Wolves, you're good), and conveniently sets up for a long, boring, self absorbing look at this man for the next 6 hours. Dances with Wolves is the epitome of the Costner Club, as it's length is absurd (this movie never ends.... pack lunch and dinner, and bring a sleeping bag), and the entirety of the film is a closeup of Kevin Costner. That's all you really need to know about the frontier..... it looks like Costner.

The rest of the film is a painfully slow negotiation between the white man, and the native american that eventually flourishes into a family bond..... oh and a shitload of Costner closeups. I wonder when he's working with screen writers if Costner often comments "I think I should say something epic here". "But Mr. Costner, you are grinding coffee in this scene". " Yes coffee..... coffee..... epic coffee".

Of course no Coster flick would be complete without a blatantly unecessary showing of his well sculpted, hairless, gleaming with sweat, sun drenched buttocks. Dances with Wolves does not dissappoint, and provides us with the Van DAMN!

Dances with Wolves is the perfect film for the Costner lover (is there such a human in existance?). If you are looking for long views at K. C.'s face with just a hint of an indian behind him, then this is the move for you. Also I'd like to point out that you are a massive douche bag!

On a positive note, at least their are no English people in this. Oh that's right, cuz it takes place during the Civil War, about 60 years after we kicked your asses. Twice.

Hamlin Grade: 1

You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame.
Duges