« March 2007 |
| May 2007 »
American Ninja 2:The Confrontation isn't just a fucking movie, it is truth in advertisement to the letter. Not only does it feature an American ninja but it also has a confrontation. So right there we must give credit where credit is due, because damn it some movies don't even get this right so at least the movie candidly delivers what it said it would. Now the Richard Harrington mocked the title claiming such viscous things as "Have you seen a ninja movie without a confrontation?" but damn it this is no call for crticism, it's for praise. Watch the sarcasm. Also strangely enough that's the only negative thing he says about American Ninja 2, but can you blame him? I sure wouldn't want to piss off the American Ninja,especially after seeing his invincible standards here.
However what makes this attempt at duplicating the success of Bruce Li is that Dudikoff pulls off a performance and of such martial arts skill, that he clearly is my first choice to the heir of the mighty Bruce Li. After all like Bruce Li, Dudikoff basically flattens any schmuck in black suits who call themselves ninjas without even once changing his expression of worried disdain. Also like Bruce Li movies these movies are indefensible because can you honestly fault a movie that exists solely to show some random adidas model and his black sidekick kick the crap out of anything that moves.
What I also love about American Ninja 2 is that it's fight sequences are all timely. And by timely is that these fight sequences like a Bruce Li movie, are just entertaining and not anything else beyond that. Listen i'm the film's biggest fan and I admit with wholehearted truth that these martial arts sequences are certainly enjoyable and even sometimes exciting, but compared to HK cinema or even some of Van Damme's stuff it's clearly the inferior. For the 80s though it's about as good as it gets and it certainly beats Chuck Norris. But then isn't that true of anything? So despite the fact that some morons will say that these action sequences are lame, this is only representive of someone who thinks the CGI work of Charlie's Angels is cutting edge. So I say fuck anyone who would rather watch CA or XXX over this, because you're most likely sexually frustated to the point that the only thing you enjoy, is seeing a bald headed ,fur coat wearing queer snowboard down a mountain or three empty headed chicks who pay more attention to their bust then actually kicking ass, while a true man's man (Michael Dudikoff) is sweating it out, never showing emotion and doing the type of moves that would only work in real life. That's right no fucking CGI here! However if you're used to HK work you'll love this because it's truly as close as the U.S has gotten to given us an American version of Bruce Li.
Anywho the confrontation starts when Dudikoff and James go to "paradise" to solve the mysterious disappearance of marines. By the way, this is one of the greatest things about the movie, all the marines wear hawaiian shirts and sit around the beach doing nothing. Hell I would've joined the marines tomorrow if it was like this in real life, who cares about getting killed in Iraq when you can get stationed afterwards in paradise where you just sit around and go surfing and oogle the naked ladies on the beach. Also for some reason even the commanding officer doesn't wear his uniform. I'm guessing the production couldn't afford the uniforms. Yippee!
Anyway the marines send for the American Ninja and Steve James and brief (While still in the damn hawaiian shirts!) them on the disappearance of marines from various hidey holes. By the way the exchange goes something like "What is this? Ninjas, Drug pushers? My men being kidnapped and murdered, this is really starting to get on my tits!" Or another sample of excellent dialog which goes "This is the most ridiculous story i've heard in my life, are you telling me my men were abducted by ninjas!" To which a not even phased Dudikoff responds "Yes sir!" Also the commanding officer isn't too bright especially that he actually says at one point "Ninja, what the hell are ninja?" Have you ever met anyone in your life who doesn't know what a ninja is? Jeez. (By the way check out badmovies.org for the sound clips that, believe it or not (Without me reading about it first) actually contain all the soundbytes of what I mentioned!)
That Michael Dudikoff was sure one hell of a ninja. I think it stands to reason that this is the last man standing between world domination and democracy. I tell you what, Iraq would be another cold war if the American Ninja were young enough, because he's the main reason the Russians never went Red Dawn on us. (Shame on you if you like that garbage heap of a movie) And when you watch Dudikoff in action, it's not hard to see why. Dudikoff slices and dices his opponents so fast that blood doesn't even splatter! And that fight against his superninja counterpart? Well let's just say that through the art of hanging upside down on whatever the hell it is, he's able to somehow use mind control to have his attacker waste his shotgun shells and even have said shooter shoot another enemy ninja in the process. Not bad for a guy who was once an addias model. Oh and you know those Chuck Norris facts, well let me ask you this, Norris needs to use a roundhouse, the American Ninja doesn't even need to connect with his opponents to make them die. How cool is that? So fuck the Chuck Norris facts, it's really Michael Dudikoff who can do such things. I mean for goodness sake he can beat up ninjas and still drive his car. I can't even drive a car while I'm getting head, so my admiration goes out to Dudikoff.
I was also equally amazed at the turn of events that found Steve James fighting in what have to be the shortest shorts ever. Him and Dudikoff are kicking the crap out of ninjas on a island ledge, to which both Dudikoff and James jump from about 300 feet and land in the moving speedboat while it's still moving! , without even hurting themselves. (As others have pointed out) Once again this is what inspired Road House's character to say "Pain Don't Hurt" because he damn well knew he had no right to complain, especially since just two years earlier an American ninja and his partner did something that would've no doubt killed a normal person, and i'm sure it hurt a little but they weren't crying about it. Patrick Swayze looked up to the said example and therefore he took his staple like a man. Role models can be so important.
Speaking of models, Michael Dudikoff also has the uncanny ability to catch darts, swords and arrows and then pull what I like to call a "return to sender" which basically consists of him catching it and then throwing it back at the sender killing the bastard instantly. All of these all comes to a heated confrontation at a cafe where Steve James and Michael Dudikoff basically clear out an entire room of thugs, and ripping their marine uniforms in the process. What is even greater is what I like to the bicep spread. In which about 20 people pile on top of Steve James, and completely unphased James spreads his biceps and throws them quite a few feet! Also James perfects the art of human shield fighting, this is of course when you grab some hapless schmuck and use his face as a shield from devasating blows, and he uses his shield at least close to 30 times. You see that's what is great about us Americans, the Asians might think to use martial arts percision, but we were the ones that thought of using someone else to take the blows for you, while you go around and kick the crap out of whoever comes your way. Of course not to be one upped, Jet Li then used a midget to smack the crap out of some UFC fighters in Cradle 2 The Grave, but we all secretly know that this was the inspiration of that scene. Woohoo!
Also there is a girl, a crazy druglord who wants to create superninjas to take over the world (Let's just hope this doesn't give George W any ideas, he's dumb enough to try it.) and a master ninja played by Mike Stone who is believe it or not related to the main reason why I can't have an erection for another two years. In that his sister made Basic Instinct 2 and took her clothes off. (Shudder) All of this is pretty much straight forward, and like a Bruce Li movie it's minimal narrative with just an excuse to include martial arts and bad acting.
In other words the perfect movie to watch drunk, high, hungover, at 4 AM or quite possibly when you plan on springing a ninja attack on Holland. Speaking of which, I have score to settle with that damn Yi-Long, who right now is thanking his lucky stars that i'm American Ninja Man and not the real American Ninja.
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Board certified Safety Dancer
Every so often, Hollywood offers up characters of such iconic stature that they are forever household names. You would think that the actors and actresses that portray such memorable characters would have careers that would share a similiar staying power. However as we have learned, the machine that is Hollywood is often unkind to it's creations, and less than merciful to it's players.
The Jake Ryan Experience, is a glossary term that is based on the popular 80's high school senior character from the classic movie Sixteen Candles. Following Sixteen Candles, the high water mark for this young actor's career, Hollywood chewed up another of it's own. The actor who played Jake Ryan faded away.... but the character Jake Ryan lives on!
If you are watching a movie that displays both the beginning and the end of an actor's career, then welcome to the Jake Ryan Experience. Yeah you.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
I'm not sure how the meeting went for these coke sniffing green lighters but we do know that someway, somehow someone figured that the next heir to the Bruce Lee throne would be none other than Kurt Thomas. Now keep in mind we were getting American Ninjas, Ninjas who could die 9 deaths and of course no way to retreat or surrender from such. However the Clouse is in my heart and I can smell the stink, and when I watch his movies I can only curse his name. (Yeah, I ripped off Six Pence None The Richer's Breathe Your Name to insult Clouse, wanna make somethin of it!) Clouse had already given us the equally dreadful Big Brawl (Easily Jackie Chan's worst film next to The Protector) However because some dumbasses like it, Clouse was given the oppurtunity to give us this little classic. Make way for Mister Gil's Ageless Gymkata!
The movie starts with some old guy, who's I guess supposed to be the best the U.S has, probably because the American Ninja and Chuck Norris were booked. Anyway the main bad guy is Richard Norton, who didn't kill Mary Louise Weller off in Forced Vengeance, but does sport a giant mullet and hence that's where this aussie's talent lies. He kills the schmuck as he cheats at the game and voila we are introduced to our gymnast hero, Kurt Fucking Thomas!
I have to get this off my chest, I'm a former kickboxing champ. State gold medalist in 1998 and 1999 and I must admit that this movie was so bad and such a disgrace, not only to legit martial artists like Bruce Lee, Jet Li and the Bruce Lis of the world but a personal disgrace to me, so to score some honor for the genre of martial arts, I went to a gymnastics class, kicked the asses of all the male gymnasts for sheer principle and had an orgy with the female gymnasts. Those weenies tried to claim assault for me giving them a good kicking (No complaints from the women though, cause the ninja orgy caused them to score perfect 10s on their next acrobatic challanges.) but once the cops heard my story, they cleared it as justifiable. Take that! As happy as it should've made me, This didn't make me feel much better until I heard Chuck Norris was so disgusted that he drove to L.A (With a diaper, because we all know that pit stops are for pussies, right on Lisa Nowak!) and raped Kurt Thomas repeatedly. (Why else does Thomas appear in Chuck Norris' Total Gym informercials not for money and certainly not because it works but out of fear that he take a workout in his ass. ) Unfortunately this still didn't make me feel much better because the movie was begging me to believe that against ninjas the best man for the job would be a gymnast.
A gymnast? A fucking gymnast? What am I dreaming? I can just picture MGM discussing the topic "Hmm let's see here, I don't like the script for Amadeus but I do feel somewhat intrigued over the aspect of a gymnast who kicks ass to save the world." It's no secret that Gymkata turned out as terrible as one would expect but did we really need the one-two punch of not only a gymnast hero but also having it directed by Robert Clouse? Well suffice to say I walloped myself in the head with a tireiron when I witnessed Kurt Thomas do backflips and mimic dialog because the princess refuses to speak to him. Just a tip, it could be the mullet. Also our dumb ass hero is only a couple inches taller than a midget and that mullet makes him look, well not very manly. He also tries to tell would be hilarious one liners despite the fact that "I know, I'll out sleep them!", " Keep your hardware in your pants" is not the making of an action hero.
Oh but Richard Norton is in this clunker, he's the main bad guy and he has a showdown with Kurt Thomas and it's here I really felt sorry for the fucker, not because he was in this movie, Norton has always been a quality source of shitty movies so it's hard to feel sorry for him, I mean his movie Kick Fighter is awful beyond compare. No, I felt sorry for him because he gets to get his ass whumped by what is easily the wussiest protagonist that would be the wussiest until Lorenzo Lamas joined the scene in 1990's suckfest known as Final Impact. Still as lame as Thomas is, I admit that I was often fascinated by the sheer ambition of this production, and by that I mean, how many bad ideas are contained. A princess who goes all the way with our gymnast hero on the first date. Check. A completely unnecessary action sequence for no reason other to pad out running time. Check. A hero who has to play a game, all so the U.S Government can place a satelite before the Russians. Check. A hero very low on charisma. Check. A hero who relies on sheer chance to prevail in tough situations. Check. A king who shouts "Yakmallah!" and at least a 100 mullets. Check, Check, Check!
By the way, the sheer luck factor means that during the action sequences are moronic gymnast star finds a bar, does various back flips and even finds a pommel horse to beat up people on. Holy crap this movie is terrible. With all the directing style of a substandard porno knock off of Enter The Dragon. (Which I imagine would be called, "My Dragon Enters you") But it's from Robert Clouse so what do you expect? Coherence, a narrative structure, decent action sequences and some okay acting? Well it's about a gymnast who kicks ass only because the bad guys are dumb enough to leave pommel horses around. So right there describes what level of stupidty we are at.
So who is the one to blame? The moron who thought of the idea, the moron who thought to cast Kurt Thomas, the moron who hired Robert Clouse, the moron who directed this, and of course the moron who watches this. In other words there's enough blame to go around, and hey even Milli Vanilli doesn't blame the rain on Gymkata. Thats how bad this movie is.
Laughable. Ridiculous. Stupid. Incompetent and of course hilarious.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Board certified Safety Dancer
Have you ever gone on a first date and realized that it was doomed seconds after it began? Do I have a tale for you.
Many years ago, I asked a young lady whom I worked with if she’d like to get together sometime…. she of course readily agreed, because I am a handsome man. After a phone call a few evenings later we agreed on a time and place, and thus a blueprint for love was in the making.
I arrived at the chosen eatery looking forward to an evening that would represent the building blocks for a long-term relationship that would blossom into love, marriage, children…. a lifetime of joy. Actually I just wanted some sex.
Regardless of my intentions, the evening ended for me before it started. As soon as I sat down the young lady opened her mouth (not in the way you’d hope) and did not shut for the next 4 hours. A torrent of useless information flowed from her mouth like diarreah from a raw anus. In less than 10 minutes I knew everything about her grandmother, dead grandfather, mother, father, drunk sister, drunk sister’s boyfriend, their hobbies, interests, pets….. AHHHH! When the waiter finally arrived I was ready to order a gun.
Our dinner ended and we began to go for a walk. My ears were throbbing from wave after wave of banal tutelage ranging from how to properly wash an afghan to the best time to add blueberries to your pancake batter. It took all of my willpower not to shove her into traffic.
Many of you may ask, why didn’t I just get up and leave? Believe it or not, I’m not as big of an asshole as I seem to be on this site (yes I am, but suspend disbelief, you will enjoy this review more). Problem two, there was not an opening in the conversation (I use this word very loosely, as a conversation is normally defined as a dialogue between two individuals) for me to get up and excuse myself.
I was going to just suck it up for the evening, until finally salvation was at hand! A movie theatre! She couldn’t possibly talk through a movie could she? I could get her to shut the fuck for at least 90 minutes couldn’t I? YES! Brilliant! What movies were playing at this time? 12 Monkeys, and Sense and Sensibility. Sweet! 12 Monkeys! I heard that was kick ass, I can see a cool flick and get this bitch to pipe down! Awesome! However this was just not to be…..
By now you know where this tale is headed. Sense and Sensibility. Of course the young lady was all over that one and when asked if I wanted to see it, I responded with “Absolutely! I love Hugh Grant!” I think I would have sounded more masculine had I announced that “Yes! I enjoy swallowing cock!” This evening was already going down like Fletch while visiting Brad in Colorado, so I took it on the chin (or in the ass really).
My review of Sense and Sensibility….. believe it or not, as tedious and painful as this movie was, it did succeed in shutting up my counterpart for the better part of two hours. The movie is exactly what you’d expect it to be. A bunch of English, dressed in 19th century clothing (the women looked like Bo Peeps, and the men… just gay, much like the English men of today) sitting around drinking tea, talking, drinking more tea, eating, drinking more tea, dancing around the notion of having sex (why are you so fucking proper that you can’t just come out with it…. look who’s talking…. had I just said shutup and walked out of the restaurant I wouldn’t be in the theatre watching this mess) and drinking more tea. The characters in this movie are nothing more than full sized Hobbits. I think 75% of this movie is them sitting outside drinking tea and talking. The rest of it is peppered with 'love scene' moments where they almost kiss but don't quite seal the deal because that would be rude.... and these scenes are always during monsoon like rainstorms.... I guess cuz that is sexy? Sense and Sensibility stars Hugh Grant (yippee), Kate Winslet (the fat chick from Titanic), and Emma Thompson (who?). Sense and Sensibility offers up interaction between these three gems that is slightly less boring than the verbal phlegm being spewed from date all evening.
Since this movie did save me from my nightmarish evening it does hold a special place in my heart. It sucked through and through, and just admitting I watched it at all is like signing an affidavit to the direction in which my sexuality leans….. however you all know that I am 100% man…. Unless I’m watching a Patrick Swayze movie. But all of us children are gay in the face of Swayze.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Alright, two white guys and a black guy take a walk in the woods........who dies first? Sounds like a bad joke right?! No, no, someone was paid a tidy sum to turn this ridiculous premise into a screen play and that someone would be the most overrated writer in Hollywood......none other than David Mamet! The more I become familiar with his work, the more my loathing for him reaches Costner like proportions. Well that might be taking it a bit too far, how can anyone truly rival the evilness of Costner.......Damn you Costner!!!! Damn you to hell!!!! At any rate Mamet truly urks my soul.
The Edge is a movie I hadn't seen in years until recently when I stumbled across the DVD, and the cover alone warranted it to be reviewed for Bad Movie Knights. Close your eyes and picture this my friends: Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins both bearing their teeth in rage. The laughter that ensued from this image made it difficult to steady my hand to insert the DVD into the player.
David Mamet brilliantly pits billionaire Charles Morse (Anthony Hopkins),photographer Robert Green (Alec Baldwin) and his assistant Stephen (Harold Perrineau) against the Alaskan wilderness. No, I wasn't joking, who do you think will die first?! A photo shoot set in scenic Alaska featuring Charles's trophy wife, Elle Mcpherson, isn't going as well as Robert had hoped for. I know, Elle playing a model, hard to believe. Who's complaining, we get to look at Elle! Allas, our tit counter did not activate for The Edge. Come on Elle, why so shy all of the sudden? As for the photo shoot, Robert is throwing a hissy fit, and in this regard Alec's performance is flawless. His portal of playing a premadana bitch, which almost all fashion photographers are, is amusing as hell and scarily accurate. Needing to obtain the most difficult thing to make a simple photo shoot work Robert insists on tracking down a local hunter to complete his "vision." An impromptu flight is arranged to find this guy and Robert convinces Charles to join the adventure. Needless to say the adventure turns into disaster as the plane crashes into the wilderness. Before you know it, our three hero's are being tracked by a man eating grizzly bear! The first one to go is..........oh, I won't ruin it for you.
The Edge is a fairly entertaining movie with high production value. The footage involving the Bart the grizzly bear is quite impressive and in my humble opinion Bart steels the movie. As I stated before, Baldwin's performance is top notch and we are treated to Anthony Hopkins over the top impression of Al Pacino. One of his rantings features my fellow Bad Movie Knight Pat's favorite line. "We're going to kill the mother fucker!" Nice! If your looking for a mediocre buddy movie with a bear and a cheating wife look no further then The Edge!
Hamlin Grade: 3.5
Fletch is a killing word!
Since the beginning of time, man has sought to uncover the mysteries of satisfying a women. Hollywood has made the task look easy with the invention of romantic comedy. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a sensitive man and not impervious to the sentiments of love stories and the pitfalls that lie therein, especially if I'm provided a few laughs along the way. Unfortunately, just like every other genera, romantic comedies pump out an abundance of mediocrity, only more so. Our focus today turns to one such example in a film entitled Wimbledon.
The backdrop, of course, is set in England at one of tennis's most coveted tournaments. The opening credits had me sharpening my teeth to feast on those prim and proper Brits, as I prepared to count the amount of times the word brilliant is used, or rather misused. You would think the inhabitants of that tiny island from which the English language originated would know the definition of the word brilliant, but alas, they do not. "That crumpet is bloody brilliant!" Where on god's green earth is a crumpet brilliant, and for that mater bloody?!! If I hear that word molested with that silly little accent one more time I'm just going to snap! God I hate Costner! Sorry......association through anger.
Paul Bettany takes the rare step from character actor to leading man in the role of Peter Colt. Peter is an aging tennis pro who appears to be at the end of his career, that is until he crosses courts.....I'm sorry that was just bad, let me try again. Until he crosses paths with a feisty, up and coming American tennis star named Lizzie Bradbury played by Kirsten Dunst. Will this new love interest invigorate his game as well as his libido? Love - Love is the initial score until Lizzie's disapproving father(Sam Niel) enters the picture.
Wimbledon serves up.....I apologize......that won't happen again.
Wimbledon delivers all the typical formulas for a romantic comedy. Yes, the father is the obstacle our young lovers must over come for their love to grow or for there to be any movie at all. There must be more obstacles than that?! Let's throw in a dash of menacing paparazzi with a generous serving of......Now Wait.....that use of serving came along with the cooking analogy not tennis! Oh who cares!
Wimbledon is a highly forgettable movie. Niel mails in his bit part of controlling father. Durst has about as much range as the Spruce Goose which is good enough to portray a spoiled little tennis brat just annoying enough for the viewer to enjoy watching lose. The chemistry between her and Peter Colt is reminiscent of Anakin Skywalker and Padme(who could forget that love affair!) As for Paul Bettany's partial of Peter Colt, well it's nice to get a break from Hugh Grant.
In the end, the story is a complete farce. I mean really an English tennis player making the finals at Wimbledon?!! Sorry chaps, you'll just have to go on pinning those hopes on that scrappy Tim Henman. Scrappy is a euphemism for loser.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Fletch is a killing word!
I want to have a go with Kirstie Alley.
I'm sure your initial reaction is "WHAT"?! Followed by the logical "But Sir Michael, you are an unparalled artist, and you have been in scores of pictures." To which of course I would heartily agree, and also add that I have also been in scores of ladies. Perhaps that is why I find my loins aching for the warmth that only one Kirstie Alley can provide.
Your next reaction will of course be "Ahhh, Sir Michael, you must be referring to a younger Kirstie Alley". Again you are right as rain. A younger Kirstie Alley is what I desire.
A Kirstie Alley younger by one year, and some 75 pounds more beautiful.
Why you ask? My genitals have seen more action than the beaches of Normandie, and because of my prowess on screen (and on the love stretcher) women throw their shoo shoo mary's at me as if it were Mardi Gras. These women are of a similiar ilk, hard bodied, tight, alabaster skinned, and willing.... leaving me bored.
This is why I need to be bedded by Kirstie Alley. A Kirstie Alley of ponderous dimensions. I desire a women that I must do battle with. A woman I must climb upon like a mountaineer and raise my British flag in salute of my achievement! I want to be thrown about, like i was in Jaws: The Revenge. I wish to be forced to get in touch with my feminine side while having my air passages closed off because of a scissors lock. I wish to share in the indulgence of a post-coitus ho ho, and care not where the preservative loaded crumbs fall.
Ms. Alley. Prepare to be Cained.
This is the word of Caine.
Word of explanation, the DVD packaged as Shadow Warriors, was actually part 2 as the original was called Assault On Devil's Island which introduced the world to the team up that would define terrible movies forever. Hulk Hogan, Carl Weathers, Shannon Tweed and Martin Kove. Anyway for some ridiculous reason they made a sequel to Assault On Devil's Island and this was the result. If however you want to see Assault On Devil's Island, you have to buy it as Shadow Warriors 2. It's sort of like the whole Missing In Action/Missing In Action 2 debacle in the 80s. In anycase Shadow Warriors stars Hulk Hogan. What more do I have to say? Oh alright i'll elaborate.
I saw Assault On Devil's Island when I was 16, the reason is because back in 98 some time, a Dolph Lundgren movie called Cover-Up was on TV and because I couldn't fake sick (due to excessive skipped days) I set up my VCR and got not only the Dolph Lundgren Good Friday thriller but also the first of this tragic series. Actually Assault On Devil's Island was hilarious, but it's been 9 years or so since i've seen it. However this movie picks up a couple years later and it seems that our heroes no longer work for the Navy. In fact according to the flashbacks one would swear they were Marines. They're mercenaries now and the first thirty minutes is of a rescue attempt that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.
The beginning mission finds Hulk Hogan, Carl Weathers, Shannon Tweed and some generic army sidekick travel to Austria to save a kidnapped girl for a doting mother who claims that her husband (the girl's father) doesn't really care for his daughter and is just kidnapping her to punish the mother for leaving. However the big plot hole here is that what man would abduct his own child so that he could raise the kid? I mean if I was a suave James Bondian style villain i'd be out getting threesomes rather then playing daddy to a whiny kid who never shuts up. Anyway our heroes break into a party and rescue the said girl and the big chase action sequence is on a cable car. (You know sort of like the things that you ride on when you go skiing) because nothing is more exciting then riding on cable cars. Anyway what seems like forever takes place and they finally deliver the girl to her mother and we learn just how noble our heroes are.
Then Hulk Hogan recognizes someone who used biological weapons on his men and he decides to go to Saudi Arabia armed with guns and bombs, how this guy got through security is anybody's guess but damn it when he shoots up the place the sparks really fly. Although the action sequence would be more exciting if Hogan didn't just stand there and fire endless rounds of ammo while stuntmen do perfect backflips as they run into the bullets. Hulk Hogan surprisingly gets captured and is infected with a virus that will kill him in 72 hours. Because bad guys are always too squeamish to shoot the hero in the head, so they go out and try to use ridiculous forms of murder that the hero always overcomes. Hogan escapes thanks to Carl Weathers, Shannon Tweed, Martin Kove and the generic army guy. We then learn what the bad guy's plans are.
The bad guy wants to launch a missle (From Canada, as if William Shatner wasn't enough) onto Seattle, would be dramatic acting takes place as Shannon Tweed panics over the fact that her daughter lives there. Of course watching Shannon Tweed trying to emote (She doesn't even get naked, so what's the point of casting the broad) is almost as bad as watching Hulk Hogan act, which frankly is painful to endure. While Carl Weathers ponders how the hell he could've gone from making Rocky, Predator and Action Jackson to this. Indeed Weathers' bored performance is easily the Ironside agenda, since his bored demeanor and irritated demeanor still manages to outact his other co-stars. Martin Kove who should be a poster boy for the site, contributes an awful performance that is at least more entertaining then Hogan and Tweed's. I always liked The Kove especially after the brilliant Steele Justice, when he used a frying pan to cautarize his wound. Although Kove is somewhat in his element, this is nowhere near the bad movie fun that was Steele Justice.
Anyway the movie ends as stupidly as it started, although I must admit I chuckled when I saw Martin Kove used a bazooka to blow up a missle, while somehow flying his plane. Perhaps he had some of his Steele Justice invincibility left. Who knows? Unfortunately Carl Weathers and Martin Kove are overshadowed by Hulk Hogan and Shannon Tweed, so unlike the Sly Sly Stallonify approach, the right word is what Generic Mugwump spoke up on in his Stallonification rant. Still with Hulk Hogan, there was potentional for laughter. Unforunately though his dramatic scenes are too painful to watch, even for the seasoned bad movie knight. So in the end Shadow Warriors is not worth seeing.
Assault On Devil's Island though...perhaps, after all you can't go wrong with the winning combo of not only Hulk Hogan, Carl Weathers, Martin Kove and Shannon Tweed but also Billy Blanks, Trevor Goddard and of course Billy Drago. Because no actor outside of Shatner and Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) had been the bigger ham plus we do get to see Tweed's two main talents, although she's in bed with Billy Drago which makes me rethink my whole status on Shannon Tweed. I mean getting sodomized everynight by Gene Simmons is one thing, getting it by the Drago, well ugh.
Hamlin Grade: 1.5
"Board certified professional safety dancer, cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine!"
Shoo Monny Too Tonka Oh Wah Gee!
That's Pawnee for "thank you for watching this mess and giving me your $10, sincerely, Kevin Costner".
My fellow Knights, I am back, and I am here to tear into this review like Fletch on a mountain of cocaine.
Dances with Wolves is perhaps the most the painful movie I've witnessed in my lifetime. It combines so many Bad Movie Knights attributes it borders on being an almost perfect bad film. First off, story, direction, acting..... where are they? Now with most films, these qualities would be celebrated, but not in a Kevin Costner flick. Oh no. You know the urban legend about the mom who gets so pumped up on adrenaline that she lifts a car off of her baby? I get so enraged by the awfulness of this movie that I could lift a whole car transport and throw it on Costner instead.
Aside from removing the essential mechanics from this production, Coster also does what he does best. His character John J. Dunbar, has an overwhelming urge to see the frontier (before it's gone he claims.... it's still there guy.... I saw it in Dances with Wolves, you're good), and conveniently sets up for a long, boring, self absorbing look at this man for the next 6 hours. Dances with Wolves is the epitome of the Costner Club, as it's length is absurd (this movie never ends.... pack lunch and dinner, and bring a sleeping bag), and the entirety of the film is a closeup of Kevin Costner. That's all you really need to know about the frontier..... it looks like Costner.
The rest of the film is a painfully slow negotiation between the white man, and the native american that eventually flourishes into a family bond..... oh and a shitload of Costner closeups. I wonder when he's working with screen writers if Costner often comments "I think I should say something epic here". "But Mr. Costner, you are grinding coffee in this scene". " Yes coffee..... coffee..... epic coffee".
Of course no Coster flick would be complete without a blatantly unecessary showing of his well sculpted, hairless, gleaming with sweat, sun drenched buttocks. Dances with Wolves does not dissappoint, and provides us with the Van DAMN!
Dances with Wolves is the perfect film for the Costner lover (is there such a human in existance?). If you are looking for long views at K. C.'s face with just a hint of an indian behind him, then this is the move for you. Also I'd like to point out that you are a massive douche bag!
On a positive note, at least their are no English people in this. Oh that's right, cuz it takes place during the Civil War, about 60 years after we kicked your asses. Twice.
Hamlin Grade: 1
You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame.
The Belushi's Relative Theory is when celebrity relatives try to ride their famous family members coat tails to success. Shameful actors who follow such the Belushi Relative theory (Though James Belushi is the best example) are Chad Lowe, Mike Norris, Don Swayze, Chad McQueen, Frank Stallone, Joey Travolta, Lorenzo Lamas, Donnie Wahlberg, Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen.
Sometimes movie makers trick the viewer as they did in the film Death Ring, by plastering the names NORRIS, MCQUEEN, SWAYZE and Billy Drago. Unfortunately the sad renter of said film was to realize that it starred Mike (Not Chuck), Chad (Instead of Steve), and Don (which I know you're sad about, instead of Patrick).
If you recognize the last name, but have never heard of the first..... welcome to Belushi's Relative Theory.