Perhaps the finest addition to the Star Wars lineage, is George Lucas's masterpiece Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones. We see for the first time, actor Hayden Christensen playing a more mature Anakin Skywalker and breathing life into his character and this film franchise in a way that only an actor of his well honed calibre can..... and of course pushed to the limits of his skill, by master director, screen writer, and visual effects wizard George Lucas.

Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones, invites us to join the adventure once again, as we slowly realize that Anakin's eventual (and unfortunately invevitable) turn to the dark side is becoming more and more apparent. Silmultaneously though, his relationship with Senator Padmé Amidala (played by the amazingly talented and versatile Natalie Portman) begins to take shape and blossom into a love that will rival the very force itself.

Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) at the behest of the Jedi Council is investigating a plot to assassinate Senator Amidala. After tracking down an assassin with the help of his padawan learner Anakin, they apprehend and begin their interrogation. Unfortunatley, the assassin, is assassinated herself, by a mysterious jet pack wearing bounty hunter (our first glimpse of Jango Fett.... I know I could hardly contain my excitement either! The Father of Boba Fett.... the most celebrated bounty hunter, and perhaps character of the Star Wars universe!). Kenobi, takes the dart to a friend of his on the street to obtain some valuable information. Unknown to most, (except for Kenobi), the best intelligence can be acquired from futuristic diner owners reminiscent of Mel (Vic Tayback) from Alice. In this case, the cook Daxx, a lovable, apron wearing, four armed creature that not only provides some classic Star Wars humor, but helps propel our adventure forward through his valuable advice.

Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones continues with Anakin recieving his first assignment which is to protect Senator Amidala by taking her to her home planet of Naboo. A fortunate set of circumstances which provides Anakin and Padme much alone time which will help their love grow. Of course (much to my dismay, because I was so hoping for their relationship to work) logic gets the better of them, and they decide that their careers must come first, and a relationship of secrecy isn't what they really want.

Kenobi, proceeds to Kimino following the lead provided by his friend Daxx, and discovers a society who's main export is the production of clone soldiers. His trip yeilds fruit as he also finds Jango Fett, and a spectacular battle ensues between a Jedi Master and a seasoned Bounty Hunter....young Boba even takes command of Slave 1 and fires it's cannons at Kenobi!! What a treat! The Fetts make their escape but are rapidly pursued by Kenobi through an asteroid field (an obvious but wonderful homage to The Empire Strikes Back). Kenobi decides to fake his destruction so he can follow his mark to their planned destination, and pulls off his clever ruse and continues his pursuit.

Meanwhile Anakin who is haunted by dreams of his mother in pain, decides that he must travel to his birth planet of Tatooine to find her. Padme agrees to help him, and even though they decided against you can begin to see how much they truly care about one another. It's a beautiful point in the film, and an again a true testament to the brilliance of George Lucas. Anakin returns to Tatooine to find that his mother, had been freed by Cliegg Larrs, and married him. This is also where we meet his son Owen Lars, and his girlfriend Beru (the eventual guardians of Luke Skywalker! Wow!). Even though their parts were small, they were vital to Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones, and just went to show you how well thought out the intricasies of this series was. Lucas is tremendously detail oriented not just throughout this chapter but every one of his masterpieces. Unfortunately, much to his disappointment (and ours), Anakin discovers that his mother has been taken by Tuscan Raiders (Sand People). Anakin plans his rescue and infitrates the Tuscan Raider's camp. He discovers the tent where his mother is kept and frees his mother from her bonds. Sadly their reunion is cut short as his mother dies in her arms. This scene breaks my heart every time I watch it, not only does Anakin lose the most important person in his life, but takes another step towards the dark side of the force as he ignites his light sabre and slaughters the entire camp of Sand People. This wholesale murder of a people is so profound that even Yoda feels it as his act send ripples throughout the force. Truly a turning point in Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones.

Kenobi follows the bounty hunter Jango Fett to Genosha and discovers a massive plot to overthrow the Republic, led by the evil Sith Lord Count Dooku (played by veteran master actor Christopher Lee).... while transmitting his findings to the Jedi Council he is captured. All hands to the rescue! The Jedi's mount a massive operation to save their commrade! Anakin, although ordered to remain and protect Padme and not get involved, does follow the first part of that order....Padme however decides she is going to save Kenobi (the comic relief when Anakin admits he's given up arguing with her, is almost as humorous as when R2D2 chortles and beeps to nail a moment!). The pair arrive on Genosha, and circumvent a conveyor belt, smelting factory, that rings familiar with the old classic video game Donkey Kong..... amazingly funny, and a perfect addition by Lucas. They are however captured and set to be executed alongside their friend Kenobi. Padme reveals her true feelings to Anakin and professes her love! FINALLY! Although this movie is loaded with amazing scenes, visuals, dialogue, action, and special effects.... this simple exchange and commitment between the two characters is the finest in all 6 of the movies. Truly an amazing piece of film making.

Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones, ends with a massive land / air battle between the Jedi, and Republic Forces (made up of the Kimino clones and let me tell you how excited I was to notice that they looked very similiar to the Storm Troopers) versus the Federation droid armies. What a battle! Lucas truly is a historian of the classic war film, because Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones carries forward that tradition of the classic battle ground war movie.

Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones final note is the lightsabre battle between Yoda and Count Dooku. Dooku easily bested Kenobi, and Anakin (Anakin loses his hand in the battle foreshadowing the evolution of Darth Vader becoming more machine than man.... expert stroke!), but will he be able to continue the same success against Jedi Master Yoda? I think not! Seeing Yoda fight with a light sabre had to be the one thing I was looking forward to most in this edition of the Star Wars films. Lucas once again pulls it off. He and his team manage to propel the dimunitive Jedi Master from walking cane, to ninja like combatant with little difficulty. Yoda fights Dooku to a stand still, and Dooku is forced to flee....

Ok, if you have read this far, and believed a word of this bullshit, you are a fucking moron. Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones sucked the corn out of the last crap I dropped. Imagine getting kicked in the balls by a freshly shoed horse after drinking a gallon of water.....you might then understand the torture it is to watch this disaster. Now if you found this review funny, good on you.... you are a Bad Movie Knight. If you thought this review was ridiculous, and the review was way off the mark, you have the potential to be a Bad Movie Knight, but you are a fucking idiot for not realizing I was lying. If you agreed with every portion of the review and found it spot on... just kill yourself. Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones is quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen.

Hamlin Grade:

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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