The Patriot is a terrible, terrible movie. It combines millions of dollars of production and mashes them into a collection of massive egos, and spreads it across the screen like a celluloid miscarriage. In an almost templatized format, The Patriot essentially takes the Oscar Winning (I say that as if it even matters) Braveheart, reconditions it for the time period, and throws it back out the door (I know that joke has been done to death, but it is, what it is). It all comes down to money, and The Patriot is nothing more than Braveheart with a paint job.... and the same number of stinky English.

The Patriot while containing some outstandingly bad performances from Mel Gibson, Heath Ledger, Adam Baldwin, the gay English dude on the horse that kills Gibson's kids (I had to specify, because saying gay English guy may have confused you), Adam Baldwin, the fat racist guy from ER, the French guy (actually he's quite good.... playing a French asshole.... maybe cuz he's from France?), the Nip Tuck chick (who is neither attractive, nor able to act), the babe who Heath Ledger show's interest in, the Lord Cornwallis guy (i love the way he says 'that is a separate issue .... Isew.... Isuee...so pompous), and the fat, deaf, one legged guy. The Patriot should really have been called the Gibson. He takes advantage of every aspect of the Costner Club by not only making this movie flexes past the 3 hour boundary, and whenever possible show us constant close ups of Mel Gibson. Mel is also sporting a fine 'Ichabod Crane' (the school teacher from the Legend of Sleepy Hollow for the unread retards out there) version of the Melmet.

Yes the Patriot is a disaster, but it does succeed in one way. It highlights a fact that is celebrated every July 4th. The fact that America kicked the shit out of you Brits baby! Yep, we fucked you up. The greatest super power of that time, marched in perfect order upon our shores in their fancy white wigs, crisp, freshly pressed red blazers, and got their asses handed to them by a bunch of farmers. Gentlemen? Perhaps. Naval superiority? Maybe. Country of pussies that couldn't get the job done. Absolutely.

I know it stings. I bet you put the Patriot on and just watch the first 30 minutes, and turn it off as you cry into your tea hoping for an extended director's cut that will show a deleted scene or an alternate ending displaying a British victory. There's not enough money in Hollywood to showcase that fiction my friends. The Patriot rocks because we are American! Just like Jesus.

Hamlin Grade: 6

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond (and he kicks ass because he's American!),
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