REVIEW: The Patriot
The Patriot is a terrible, terrible movie. It combines millions of dollars of production and mashes them into a collection of massive egos, and spreads it across the screen like a celluloid miscarriage. In an almost templatized format, The Patriot essentially takes the Oscar Winning (I say that as if it even matters) Braveheart, reconditions it for the time period, and throws it back out the door (I know that joke has been done to death, but it is, what it is). It all comes down to money, and The Patriot is nothing more than Braveheart with a paint job.... and the same number of stinky English.
The Patriot while containing some outstandingly bad performances from Mel Gibson, Heath Ledger, Adam Baldwin, the gay English dude on the horse that kills Gibson's kids (I had to specify, because saying gay English guy may have confused you), Adam Baldwin, the fat racist guy from ER, the French guy (actually he's quite good.... playing a French asshole.... maybe cuz he's from France?), the Nip Tuck chick (who is neither attractive, nor able to act), the babe who Heath Ledger show's interest in, the Lord Cornwallis guy (i love the way he says 'that is a separate issue .... Isew.... Isuee...so pompous), and the fat, deaf, one legged guy. The Patriot should really have been called the Gibson. He takes advantage of every aspect of the Costner Club by not only making this movie flexes past the 3 hour boundary, and whenever possible show us constant close ups of Mel Gibson. Mel is also sporting a fine 'Ichabod Crane' (the school teacher from the Legend of Sleepy Hollow for the unread retards out there) version of the Melmet.
Yes the Patriot is a disaster, but it does succeed in one way. It highlights a fact that is celebrated every July 4th. The fact that America kicked the shit out of you Brits baby! Yep, we fucked you up. The greatest super power of that time, marched in perfect order upon our shores in their fancy white wigs, crisp, freshly pressed red blazers, and got their asses handed to them by a bunch of farmers. Gentlemen? Perhaps. Naval superiority? Maybe. Country of pussies that couldn't get the job done. Absolutely.
I know it stings. I bet you put the Patriot on and just watch the first 30 minutes, and turn it off as you cry into your tea hoping for an extended director's cut that will show a deleted scene or an alternate ending displaying a British victory. There's not enough money in Hollywood to showcase that fiction my friends. The Patriot rocks because we are American! Just like Jesus.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond (and he kicks ass because he's American!),
pat
Comments
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *AHEM*
That made me laugh.
Shit, I almost had a fucking heart attack with the 'cry into your tea' bit. I'm so happy I could crap.
Posted by: Part-time Ninja | March 23, 2007 04:43 AM
I was just kidding, I love the English. I want to throw you over a judge's bench and bang you all while wearing a Barrister's whig!
Posted by: pat | March 23, 2007 12:14 PM
That's no joke, Pat loves to wear wigs
Posted by: Duges | March 23, 2007 02:24 PM
Are we doing a spotlight on Roland Emmerich?
Universal Soldier
Moon 44
The Patriot
Day After Tomorrow
Can't think of a more qualified director to get the bad movie treatment. He did do Godzilla after all...
Posted by: Ryan | March 24, 2007 03:29 AM
you fuckin americans are all alike you started well by exposing the patriot as a horrible movie but ending with the same american propaganda that made the movie such a joke to any clear thinking human being. be nice to the brits assholes they ruled the world a lot longer than you did
Posted by: dan | April 28, 2010 12:45 PM
So did the dinosaurs but look where they ended up. Go back to your fish and chips.
Posted by: pat | June 2, 2010 12:29 PM
To be honest, Britain never really had America. A bunch of peasants got on a boat, fucked off overseas, landed on America and found out that growing crops in sand is hard work. After decades of fucking over the natives, making long and boring speeches and setting fire to brown people, we English finally took notice. And we taxed you silly fuckers.
Yes, despite our only claim on you being an old piece of paper with some signatures on it, we decided to tax you fuckers senseless. And Benny Franklin quite liked the idea too. And despite the fact we had no claim and no way of forcing you to pay, a sizeable portion of the Yank populace actually did. We found it fucking hilarious, before going back to our pastimes of tea drinking and aggressively spanking our young.
Then some of you threw tea overboard. A war was declared. We sent over some troops, you Yanks hid, we got bored of searching and came home - in the end we ended up not owning a country we never owned. We mourn the loss with the same passion as your nation mourns the loss of Dennis Hopper.
I like this site. Your stupidity nourishes me.
Posted by: Part-time Ninja | June 3, 2010 06:09 AM
You still have a Queen. That's as silly as believing in Unicorns and Jesus!
Posted by: pat | June 3, 2010 08:04 AM