William Shatner is without question one of the finest gifts we have ever received from our Canadian brothers (Celine Dion being one of the other treasures ladeled upon us from the Great White North), and he is a gift that continues to bear fruit. Except when he chooses to get behind the camera. Shatner strength has always been in getting quality face time, but wearing the hats of both thespian and director have proved to be a disaster. The movie that Shat, shat upon? Star Trek V.

Star Trek III : The Search for Spock, and Star Trek IV : The Voyage Home, followed up on the success and the story of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Brilliantly directed by Leonard Nimoy, episodes III and IV are second only to the Wrath of Khan, but rather than encapsulate the films, Nimoy's version of the franchise, continue the adventure of these beloved characters..... damn I sound like a fucking loser.

Thinking he could do as good a job as Nimoy, Shatner took on the mantle of director for Star Trek V : The Final Fronter, a massive error in judgement. While the concept and story were interesting, the direction and production values of this film dropped off dramatically. There was a level of cheese in this movie not seen since the 60's television series.

Star Trek V : The Final Fronter introduces us to Spock's long lost brother Sybok. Sybok was for lack of better word, banished from Vulcan for not following their tradition of logic but rather embracing his emotions. Love! Spock had another brother, who was lesser known. His name was Cock. He was a Vulcan rapist. Spock, Sybok and Cock. One big happy family.

Spock's gay brother emerges after years with a healing ability to remove people's pain... a regret that they carry. Sybok through vigourous massage and shouting (and I think some genital manipulation) is able to release (release being the key word) this 'pain' and the subject in question is now happy (and entitled to a cigarette). They also become an instant disciples of the man (why not, he just jacked them off). Sybok through a clever hostage hoax manages to take over the Enterprise. His goal.... to reach Heaven, or in this case the Final Frontier.

Star Trek V : The Final Fronter really sucks. This movie is fucking awful, from beginning, till about 5 minutes from the end. I am a huge Star Trek fan, and an even bigger Captain Kirk and William Shatner fan, but this movie is downright painful. However it does have a saving grace. As I said this movie is crap until the very end..... when Captain Kirk meets God (or what appears to be God). The fucking balls on this guy. Only Kirk would mouth off to the almighty, and mouth off he does.

"What does God want with a starship!?"

When asked by this God if Kirk doubts him, CK retorts with...

"I seek proof!"

Then when asked who Kirk is.....

"Aren't you GOD?!?? DON"T YOU KNOW!!!"

HUUUUGE fucking balls! This final few minutes practically saves this entire train wreck (and I even give it extra Hamlins because of this exchange)..... but not quite. Although, just hearing Shatner act is always priceless, this movie is like taking a 3 mile long shit..... it just goes on forever. I recommend jumping to the final scene..... and renaming the film Star Trek V: The Final Chapter. The Final Frontier it is not.... unless we are referring to Shatner's career as a director..... which should be the last time that is tried.

Hamlin Grade: 4.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat