Yo Adrien I lost!

Sylvester Stallone returns as Rocky Balboa, in Rocky Balboa in what is hopefully the final installment of the Rocky franchise. In some brilliant strokes, Rocky Balboa improves upon the original story in many ways. Firstly, Adrien is dead. Thank goodness. For whatever reason, Talia Shire does not return to reprise her role as the retard turned empowered woman, perhaps because she had a conflict playing a phychiatrist on the Geico commercials. Regardless of the reasons, the bitch isn't in this one, and while it offers some somber moments of Rocky remembering fondly the times he shared with her, it gives the rest of us nothing but pure joy that she is absent. Another huge positive. Rocky V is completely ignored! Brilliant! Never thought I'd see that one, but the Rocky franchise utilized the Quickening principle, and executed it perfectly.... pretending that part 5 never existed! Outstanding!

Rocky Balboa is a little tedious in the beginning as it follows the retired boxer who is now a restaurant owner (the place is called Adrien's), and he spends his time pining for his dead wife, who passed from the woman cancer (in other words, got a job doing Geico ads). The current heavy weight champion Mason 'The Line' Dixon, is going through his own trials, as he is hated by the public even though he's never lost a professional match. Rocky Balboa apparently draws some comparisons to the current boxing community as it's popularity is waning. Dixon, can't understand why he's so unpopular when he's never lost a fight.

ESPN, broadcasts a virtual fight between Dixon and Balbo that simulates what a match between a boxer of yester-year and today would be like. Balbo wins the on-screen video game fight, and sets the wheels in motion for the final battle of this film. A few agents talk, throw in a couple of should I, or shouldn't I conversations, an argument with the son, some supportive words from the girlfriend, an embrace, the mandatory training montage and we are ready to go.

The funniest thing about Rocky Balboa, is that a 60 year old man is in way better shape than a man half his age. Dixon (played by Antonio Tarver, a real life boxer) has flabby little titties and a gut. Stallone is ripped. Is there a problem here? Anyway, we get the typical Rocky fight, see the entire first round, then a montage of the next 8, and then the entire 10th round. Rocky loses on a decision, and Dixon (we assume) gains some credibility for standing toe to toe for with a formidable opponent for the first time. Rocky waves goodbye to the crowd (and I guess us) for the final time.... it was hard to tell because my eyes were so full of tears at this point.... not because the movie was so emotional, but because I was holding a piss for so long, I couldn't take it.

If I were to really describe Rocky Balboa to someone, the best I could give it is an 'Eh'. Not bad, not great, and not Rocky V. So take that for what it's worth..... the funny thing is that this is the foreshadowing of another Rambo movie.... how great is that gonna be. No seriously.

Hamlin Grade: 4

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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