Mystery, Alaska is a bad movie (when I say bad, I mean extraordinarily shitty) about a fictitious town ( I looked it up on Mapquest, no such place exists) that loves hockey. One of their own organizes a game to be televised over the holidays with Mystery's best players against the New York Rangers. And they lose.

That's the movie. Sure they stretched it out to last 119 minutes and vigorously teased and toyed with your errogenous zones in anticipation of the hockey game that would come at the end of the film, but what this film really comes down to is filler.

The game itself while somewhat exciting is really a complete mess. In 1999, the New York Rangers were at the apex of their 7 season playoff drought, so the allure of playing them at all was borderline non-existent. In fact, during the movie, the boys from Mystery are actually winning the game (I am a Ranger fan for the record, and this infuriated me to no end, because not even in the land of fiction could New York buy a win back then).... before the Rangers went on to defeat them..... and barely I might add. The dumbest thing about this film also, is that not one Ranger was actually in the film. Unfortunately, the Rangers at that time didn't really have any name players worth mentioning..... except for WAYNE FUCKING GRETZKY!!!

Holy shit this movie sucked. Mystery, Alaska makes Youngblood look like the greatest hockey film ever made (in many ways it was.....all I gotta say is Rob Lowe's ass (Van DAMN!!) ....perfect.... and all the medium rare Swazye that you can handle!). If you are looking for classic Burt Reynolds, and Russell Crowe..... you will definitely find that in Mystery, Alaska, because much like this movie, they suck too. Everyone involved in this bad movie sucks. People who watched it suck. I suck too..... and now I can't stop thinking about Rob Lowe's ass.

Hamlin Grade: 1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat