Bad Movie Knight's favorite Michael Pare returns.... for quite possibly the last time ever (especially following this mess) in the sci -fi action thriller Moon 44! The only problem was that the sci-fi was extremely low budget (remember the Battlestar Galactica TV show where they re-used the same space battle sequences over and over again? Same shit here, except instead of a variety of shots, there are two. The same explosion over and over again. The helicopter / jet / space ship things also look like they fly on strings..... ok I'm tangentizing), there was no action to be found..... and I am far from thrilled.

Ok let me give you the quick plot (my spine aches just typing that) from Moon 44. The year is 2038 (I'm paraphrasing from that narrative text that was displayed at the film's opening.), and the Earth has been mined out, so we travel into space to lay claim to new planets, moons, blah blah in search of minerals. Corporations wage war against one another to take over these mineral rich planets.... which brings us to Moon 44.

The moon (44 that is.... don't want you to confuse it with 43) is the last mining facility controlled by a large corporation (the name escapes me) and is in danger of being lost to a hostile takeover by another corporation (also, escaping me) ..... however the situation is so dangerous that pilots have refused to travel there and protect the facility. The corporation in a last ditch effort decides to offer prisoners reduced sentences in exchange for their service in protection of the mining facility as copter pilots. Are you as bored as I am right now? No bullshit, this text you are reading is infinitely more exciting than the film.

There is also a conspiracy occurring on Moon 44, where mining and copters are being hijacked. Felix Stone (played by Michael Pare) an Internal Affairs officer is sent in undercover with the prisoners to uncover this fiendish plot and put a stop to it. The prisoners are immediately teamed up with navigators (who in this case are a group of young hackers.... boys.... UMMMM, who's brilliant idea was this? Well the prisoners are instantly salivating). Moon 44 goes from science fiction to prison film. The prisoners and navigators have an uneasy relationship throughout the film, and of course with any prison flick, there is a rape scene, a retaliation, a hanging, another retaliation, a beating, threats, unecessary shower room nudity (although that was kinda hot), more retaliation.... and it goes on forever. It's so easy to get lost in the story, because it's so fucking boring.

Stone and his navigator Tyler (played by Dean Devlin) have this bizarre relationship which dances the fine line between brotherly love and angry, caramel covered, man on man ass wrestling. These two are the most amazingly bad actors I've ever seen. Why the director and casting agent thought it would be a brilliant idea to pit them together in some of Moon 44's more pivotal scenes is baffling. If there was a reverse Ironside Agenda, these two would win it hands down. Pare's acting style is so unique. His goal in every scene is to spit his lines out as quickly as possible in an even and unwavering tone that displays little to no emotion. He sounds like the voiceover from a GPS at times. Devlin is amazingly bad, but at least the lad tries.....

Moon 44 is actually a nice jaunt back into the realm of the bad movie. I've been reviewing blockbusters (that term is used loosely) lately, so it was welcome to see a film so shitty. Bad acting, horrible special effects, and a story that combines the worst stereotypes and scenarios stolen from other films combine to bring you horrible pile of bear cum. Moon 44. It sucks! That being said, it's perfect for your next bad movie night!

Hamlin Grade: 5.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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